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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The King Of Summer...



Summertime, and the livin' is easy. So easy, in fact, that sometimes it's hard!

And the older I get, the harder it gets. Maybe not hard, per say, but with Summer comes the increased likelihood that in any given sun drenched day you're going to be tempted by a friend with a good time. One that will more than likely deter you from your days tasks, or at the very least, send you off to work in a frame of mind similar to a deranged serial killer. Probably more towards Patrick Bateman than Ted Bundy, but seeing as one of them is named Ted, we'll say you go to work in a Ted Bundy state of mind. OR, wait, I got it! Ted Van der Sloot! A Perfect blend of 2 of my favorite things to talk about (Teds + hilariously named Dutch people), and no doubt a perfect description of how you will no doubt be feeling...

Then, after you've transformed into the aforementioned RoochNation serial killer of choice, you end up wasting your day anyway, watching your Facebook wall get updated with all the fun your friends are having! Phrases like "Get a real job" and/or "Who are these Teds kidding?" get tossed around, and once again, you're reaching for a blunt instrument of destruction, and contemplating which of your colleagues is the most disposable....

Hmmm, is anyone gonna miss the cleaning lady? Or what about that Ted in the sales department? I bet I could take them both out with 3 paper clips, an erasable pen cap, and a promotional vuvuzela key chain...

So in the interest of keeping you distracted while your friends frolic in the sun, while at the same time keeping your janitorial staff out of a rolled up carpet in a blood soaked dumpster, allow me to present to you this relatively quick-hitting, and Summer friendly version of this week's Rooch Nation. "Relatively" because these things always end up being longer than I intend, especially when I try to keep them short. And "Summer friendly" because again, I'm saving you from committing murder. Let's not forget that...

Now let's do it!..

First, let's start with LeBron James. It's the eve of his long awaited jaunt into free agency, and his impending decision has half the GM's in the league more anxious than an armless man in a rocks/paper/scissors contest...

In my opinion 1 of 3 things is gonna go down here...


1) LeBron stays in Cleveland. They can pay him the most money ($126 mil/6 years), it's his hometown team, and it would probably just all around be the easiest/least stressful thing for LeBron in regards to his personal life...


2) LeBron goes to Miami. They can only pay him $96 mil, but with no state income tax and the lure of at least 1 other established star to play a straight Robin to his pimp, Christian Bale-esque Batman, it more than makes up for it. After all, he is after rings, right? And with D Wade the only elite free agent that seems to control his own destiny, Miami would seem the perfect landing spot and a place that a deal could easily be reached. Not that a deal would be hard to reach with any team that has the cap room, but you know what I mean...


3) Shit hits the fanbox, and absolutely none of the common theories on where he lands come to fruition. This would include, but is not limited to, LeBron buying the Cavs, LeBron being dealt to the Lakers or Celtics, or LeBron deciding to forgo his basketball career (a la MJ) and take a shot at playing in the NFL...

I don't see him going to Chicago, I don't see him going to the Knicks, and I certainly don't see him doing whatever people claim he's gonna do with Jay Z in Brooklyn/New Jersey/Diddy's House in the Hamptons. I know people think that somehow if LeBron teams with Jay Z then they'll be able to form some sort of new super sport that looks like an "iced out" version of Slam Ball, sounds like a Jesus Christ remix of Numb/Encore, and smells like a blend of baby powder and Rocafella cologne, but I'm afraid that's just not going to be happening. Sorry. Sounds cool, it's just not all that likely. Then again, maybe that makes it a perfect fit for option # 3? Hmmmm. I like it! Baby Powder for everyone!...

Now for the most par, this quirky 3-way theory is new for me, as I've been saying all along I was about 75% that LeBron would stay in Cleveland. But I think my gambling and sports-drama loving nature is getting the best of me as the deadline nears, and I can't help but bring a few more, perhaps tastier options into the fold...

Hey, I'm a sucker for a good story, I'll be the first to admit it. I mean, I am writing a blog from the basement of my childhood home, am I not? Right. So while my mind may still be 75% that the King remains on his MidWestern throne, my heart and my curiosity are equally as sure that something totally unexpected will go down. Either way, whatever move is made or not made, LeBron's eventual signing will set off a series of dominoes and start a chain of events that won't likely be edited from the consciousness of any sports fan for quite some time to come...

There is, after all, a reason they call him The King. And when the King's makin' moves, it's bound to effect the landscape of the league...

---

Sticking with the NBA for a second, I was remiss in last week's post when I didn't mention the Celtics/Lakers, but in the wake of Boston's loss I really only have one thing to say. And no, it's not "I told you so" or anything even remotely along those lines...


No, all I have to say in the wake of the Celtics 2nd Finals appearance in the last 3 years, and the Lakers second consecutive title, is that the now likely departed Dr. Glen Rivers MD's *career in Boston has yet again taught me a valuable lesson about the sports world we live in. Much like you often hear that an NFL coach is the most important and valuable head coach in the 4 major pro sports, I'm here to tell you that Doc's performance over his tenure in Green is proof positive that the NBA coaches are on the opposite end of that coaching "importance" spectrum. Which is to say that in the NBA, more than any other league, it's the player's that win the titles, and not the coach...

*Obviously, within hours after publishing this, Doc went against the common opinion and decided to stay. You screwed me again, Doc!)


Call it sour grapes if you must, as I've been a notorious critic of Doc's since he landed here in '04, but believe me, the only problem I've ever had with Glen is that I've never been impressed with anything he's done on the court. I'm not saying they won in spite of him, I'm just saying they won because they added 2 Hall of Famers and the league's best new PG during his tenure, and their success was based almost 100% on that. It's similar of the criticism that people often lay on Phil Jackson, that he only wins when he has stars, and I think it's becoming increasingly clear that's indeed the only way any coach can win in this league, talented or not. Sure there may be guys like Larry Brown that prove time and again they can make competitors out of underachievers, but in order to win rings, it's the players that need to be the ones with the majority of the talent, not the coach...


So as he more than likely leaves the Celtics to spend time with his children and rake in the cakes on TNT, I guess I have just one thing left to say to Dr. Glen Rivers MD. Thanks. Thanks for proving to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter how inept the coach in the NBA, it will always be the players that determine a team's ultimate destiny...

So enjoy, Glen. Enjoy your time away, and have fun with your family. Honestly, I really hope you do. It's a great luxury to be able to take a hiatus away from work at age 48 to enjoy your family, and it's one I would hope I too would want to take advantage of if I were in your shoes. Just be leery that upon your return (because we all know you'll be back), I'll be here waiting for ya. And unless my diagnosis is incorrect, there will probably be a lot of "maybe it was that Thibodeau guy" comments when your next gig doesn't exactly work out as swimmingly as this one has. Those people will be wrong, too, because it's all about the players. But believe me, that won't stop them from making that the most popular theory as to your demise...

OK, maybe that last part was sour grapes. So sue me. At least I'm not a fake doctor! Not yet, anyway. I still am a Reverend with the Universal Life Church , though. I remember I really wanted to be a White Wizard (no joke), but that was like $40 beans or somethin' so I went with the free Reverend title instead. I also made up a bunch of Revernd certificates for my Jewish friends and put them on the doors to their rooms in my frat house. They were pumped. Well, not the ones whose names I had hilariously altered, but for the most part it seemed to go over pretty well...

Ahhh yes. Religion and the Internet. A combination unlike any other...

---

Next up, we have a few observations from my Saturday excursion to visit my good friend Josh at his new digs in Long Beach, NY...


First and foremost, that place is a rare little piece of earth. I've been up and down this coast of ours, and to beaches and beach communities from here to LA, and I've never come across a place quite like that. I won't waste time describing it to you, but if you ever get a chance I recommend you getting down there. There's just something about it, I don't know, but you should definitely check it out. If for no other reason than the beautiful vistas. See that photo there? Yeah. My buddy Sean, who accompanied me on the trip, told me to take a picture of that...errr...great view? Yeah, there were a lot of great views all over the place, and when they weren't busy PDAing it up with their respective man partners, they were even more pleasant to enjoy...

But seriously I have no idea who that chick is, but Sean said I should just try and take a shot of her rack and put it in my blog. And that's the best I got. So there it is. If any of my female fans think they have a better entry, I'd love to see it. Not trying to steal the "Smokeshow" shtick from the Barstool boys, but hey, if wanna send me a picture of you in a scantily clad bikini, I'm not exactly gonna throw it away. Just one rule. NO DUDES. Other than that, snap and flash away, my fair ladies, and fill my inbox til your hearts desire...

The only other observation I have about Long Beach and it's inhabitants is that I wouldn't go walkin' around there talkin' about the World Cup. And I wouldn't go around bashing the World Cup either, unless you want to then be handed an invitation to a KKK rally...

What? Yeah. It was pretty wild stuff...

While sitting with Sean at a beach side seafood shack about an hour after the US had lost to Ghana, I chirped at a white guy blowing on a vuvuzela and said something to the effect of "World Cup's over, buddy". Well needless to say that got the attention of our female server, a woman who I would say was probably in her mid 40's, and caused her to launch into a rant that would have made Clayton Bigsby blush, and left both Sean and I nearly speechless...

I don't want to quote her word for word in fear of furthering my own potential damnation, but let's just say that in her remarks about fans of the World Cup, this apparently religious Caucasian female used the word "monkeys" not once, but twice, and even somehow got onto the topic of how many death threats President Barrack Obama receives. Oh, but don't worry. She prefaced herself several times by saying that she "wasn't even like that", so I'm sure she's not really a rabid racist at all, and just a normal person with a legitimate beef...

Right. Well I'm not "like that", either, so lemme get my crab cakes so I can get the Hell out of here. You crazy bitch...

So in closing, if you're a white, and you don't like soccer, then Long Beach, NY, may very well be the place for you. And if you don't fit that description? You can still go, I guess, I just don't recommend frequenting any of the beach side seafood establishments. Not without a gun, at least...

---


Red Sox Update
Overall: 47-31, 1 game back of NYY in AL East

This Week: vs TB (6/29-6/30) vs BAL (7/2-7/4) @ TB (7/5-7/7)

I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to write here in any given week. Every week it seems like I point out reasons why the Sox shouldn't be winning, and every week they continue to win. But hey, just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to enjoy it. And no, that doesn't make me a temporary pink hat...

I'll tell you this, though. With Martinez, Buchholz AND Pedroia all going down with injuries this week, it'll be interesting to see how this surging bunch of scrappers continues to narrow what's now just a 1 game deficit in the AL East. And hopefully, it'll continue to be interesting in a good way. They'll have to defy logic to continue doing it, but that's just going to make it all the more enjoyable...

Come on Sox! Don't let these injuries RUIN MY SUMMAHHHHHH!


So there you have it, my Summer lovin' friends. A couple predictions, a few jabs at Glen, a dash of racism and even a little bit of hopeful optimism for the Red Sox. All 'n all, not a bad little summary of what's goin' on these days in my nape of the woods if I do say so myself. Now, in keeping with today's message, I'm headed out into the bright sunshine of yet another beautiful early Summer's day here in New England, to pick my fresh jalapenos and soak up all the rays I can before I go into work. And don't worry, whatever fun I do manage to have in this short, sun bathed window, I won't tease you with on Facebook...

Have a great week, everybody, and have a great 4th of July weekend. An ideal weekend, by the way, for snapping a few of those aforementioned bikini shots. Hey, just sayin'...


Teddy Williams...
vuvizuli...
Burr!...
100...

#$>

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L-B-J, he's runnin' this ball sh*t! Watch out, he's gonna run New York!!!!!!

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