Tuesday, May 18, 2010

May The FAIL Be With You...

Lemme tell ya, for a guy that's not into the NBA or the NHL, and whose baseball team is currently struggling to stay at .500, the month of May can be one trying time. Especially when you can't seem to catch a break on the pone-boxes...

So while I take yet another week away (or at least a few days) from the sports spotlight to search for some true, semi-journalistic inspiration, I'm gonna leave you with a few images that I think might give you yet another glimpse as to where my head is at these days. You know the FAIL blog that always seems to make it's way into your email inbox on a bi weekly basis? Well you can call this EPIC FAIL Rooch Nation Boston Edition. Not sure if I'm breaking any Intraweb copyright rules there, but at this point I don't really care. Matter of fact, the Fail Blog trying to rip me would probably do wonders for my career. Kinda like when Jeff Gellman, the "pack leader" whose dog training show I produce every Saturday 9-11, had me send a show clip of his into The Howard Stern Show, simply so he could be made fun of. Hey, any publicity is good publicity, right? You're damn straight it is. And I hope the Boston area teams keep that very principle in mind while I use a few photographs and video clips to "low light" their less than stellar play over the last month. Or in the case of the Celtics, when I rip them for having a Ted of a GM that I've loathed since he rocked the Purple and Orange...

Set your brain to FAIL, kids, and enjoy...

Any Boston FAIL blog has to start with the Boston freaking Bruins, right? I mean blowing a 3-0 lead is like hitting 3,000 hits in terms of auto-FAIL status, isn't it? Hell, it might even be hitting your 3,000th hit and then dying in a plane crash type auto-FAIL status, it's that automatic...

And listen, while I know a lot of you think I hate the Bruins, and must be dancing around their grave, I gotta tell you it's honestly not the case. I mean, why would I waste my time with that, when their 3-0 come from ahead collapse has left me with an even more powerful weapon to use against the masses that got caught up in Bruins fever. Now, every time something incredibly trendy, incredibly cheesy, and incredibly crappy takes hold of the minds of the American populous, I reserve the right to ask you if you're into it. Example:

Me: "Hey Ted, what'd you think of the latest episode of So You Think You Can Dance?"

Ted: "Why the Hell would I be watching So You Think You Can Dance?"

Me: "You watched the Bruins, right? I just figured you were into watchin' crap on TV. OH, BAM! Bruins SUCK!"

Hahaha OK, so maybe I don't like the Bruins, but B's fans I wouldn't take it personally. I just don't like the NHL, and to be honest there's no team I would have wanted to see do that to the Bruins less than the Philadelphia Flyers. Because while I don't like the NHL, I actually hate the city of Philadelphia. Personally, I'd like to see all those mouth breathing, gristled shoe leather and Cheez Whizz guzzling, classless d-bags shown a cattle brand in the most unpleasant of orifices, but still won't change the fact that their hockey squad just made Boston their bitch. Big time FAIL, fellas, and best of luck trying to make this town care again next year...

Championship drought, 38 years and counting. Oh, but nice Bobby Orr statue. That's some good work right there. And from what I can tell, putting up statues tends to do wonders for the intellect of your fan base, as well. So we got that goin' for us, which is always nice...

And where's the freakin' Bill Russell statue, already? Huh, Celtics?...

I missed on this last week when I was busy getting all political, so while I know it's long since been run through the cycle like a soiled pair of ARod's bikini briefs, I still have to throw in my two cents. And while I stop before saying "I told you so", in regards to Danny Ainge, this incident should at the very least open your eyes to the type of guy we're dealing with, here. He's just a punk. I mean, who else does something like this? Throws a towel up to distract an opposing player at the free throw line? A fan doing that would be bad enough, and even the the lawless atmosphere of the NBA stands it would raise some eyebrows. Logo "hankies" or Thunderstix, maybe, but not even fatty boom batty whose 7 $10 beers deep is grabbing the closest object and launching it into the air!...

And I don't wanna hear how it was a "lapse in judgement", either. Is the same "lapse in judgement" guys like ARod and McGwire had? Please. This is a reflection of character, and if you didn't already know, Danny Ainge has barely enough character to play a bit part in a community theater production of Simple Jack...

And hey, I get it, people like what Ainge has done with the Celtics. Most of all, people like that they're winning. So when it comes to hating on Danny and the job he's done, I know I'm not only in the minority, but that it's not really an argument worth having because of the strength of his results. So it's one I choose not to have. What I will say, though, is that when the Celts were Shoeless Joe-ing their way into the lottery, nobody would have been the least bit surprised had Danny pulled a stunt like this. That was a time when I was President of the Danny Ainge is a Huge Ted Club, and I had dozens of club members that echoed my message. Now? My followers are gone, most of their positions at the very least, "revised". But I'm still here, keeping the message alive. And it doesn't hurt when you get some video proof to help your cause...

Danny Ainge? FAIL...

Banner 18 is in Sheed's bald spot, by the way. O marks the spot, pimps. It ain't Sheed-friends, it's Sheed-Bidness. Getcha Getcha Getcha Sheed On...

The next red F that I'm choosing to dish out with my Intraweb version of the fine point Sharpie, goes to none other than the 19-20 Boston Red Sox. OK, maybe I'm not giving the Sox a FAIL quite yet, but it has more to do with the fanboy inside me than it does to do with anything I've seen on the field. I still feel confident that the pitching staff will steady the ship and get this team on a more stable course, but it's the inconsistency of the offense that I believe will plague this team all season long...

To be honest, they're play has been more or less what I predicted it would be before the start of the season. Now I know you're saying "but didn't you pick them to win the World Series?" Well I did, and while I won't sit here and tell you their 19-20 start was part of my grand plan, it's what's coming, or not coming, next from Theo Epstein that will determine whether or not I was actually in the ballpark. IF I can see that this offense is destined to be inconsistent, with or without a healthy Ellsbury, then Theo has to see it, too. The ball is in his court, and I'm pretty sure he knows it. People wanna know if this really is a bridge year? Well I say we find out sooner rather than later simply by watching the actions of the GM...

And here's to hoping that won't be yet another FAIL to add to this list...

Theo Epstein: Rooting on the Celtics in hopes they buy him another week or two out of the Bostonian crosshairs. Good luck with that, Mr. Theo. Or as I have now dubbed you, Mr. Huxtable. And that's dangerously close to "Ruxbin". So combined that with the fact your name is Theo, and I'd keep an eye on my performance if I were you, or the Ted-isms are gonna start flyin' out of here like a Dice K gyro ball...

Now finally, just to round things out and hit on all 4 "major" teams (Ha! Bruins!), we have this...

You know a guy didn't have an impact when the only relevant photo I could find in a Google Images search for his name and the word "Patriots", is the one I posted above. Derrick Burgess? Really? Again?...

The signing is so minor that it's not really worth the valuable web space I'm taking up to question it, but in an age where a lot of us are getting sick of simply "trusting Belichick", I just had to go ahead and give this signing a nice big FAIL...

"Yup". That's the response I expect to give in about 3 1/2 months when I get multiple texts asking "Whoa, Derrick Burgess is still on the team?!" That is, assuming he makes it through camp...

So there you have it. Hope you enjoyed the FAIL edition of the Nation, boys and girls, and I wish you all a great week, free of any failures of your own. But remember, failing is bound to happen when you try new things. And you should always be trying new things. It's just also important to be able to laugh at your failures, and in turn learn from them. After all, learning and laughing are what life is all about, and if we can't laugh at ourselves, and learn from our mistakes, then it really makes life rather unbearable...

Live. Learn. Laugh. Love. Just don't love in public. I'm not down with excessive PDA's and I have access to my dad's gun closet...

Have a great week, friends!

Teddy Williams...



Street Dance fan said...

Great blog! I'm like you, more of a baseball man. It's tough seeing all these other sports all the time!

Brett Ferruccio said...

Yea, I just feel baseball doesn't as easily lend itself to the bandwagon fan. But once the winter sports are over, they'll all come crawling back...

Nice website, by the way, and thanks for the kudos!

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