Divisional Picks: Yaaaaa, Cocaine...

Hey there! supporters and frequenters of The Nache!

Sorry if that came across a little too 'hot', kids (and yes, there should be a '!' After 'there!'...that's just how I talllk! Haven't you seen my blogggggs?!?), but after watching Tony Bourdain completely torch 6 tons of Panamanian Nasal Treats, I'm not sure what else I could have possibly opened with. To be honest, if not for my man Tony's inspiration, I might not have even had this week's picks penned in a timely manner. He really is the #1 real TV pimp to Don Drapers #1 fictional TV pimp, and if you're still not watching his hit show No Reservations (10 pm Mondays on the Travel Channel), now's a great time to get on board. You're definitely late to the party, but with a new season just booting up this past week, you can still arrive in time to grab a few gratis adult cocktails and snack on the remaining delicious h'ordeuvres...



Hey, it's great food, great locales, there's an amazing host (I mean, just listen to the guy!), and most importantly, its Rooch Nation approved. It's got 'The Nache' stamp all up over it. It's filthy with that thing, truth by told. Even smells like it. And that smell? Why its pork of course. A magical treat, from a magical pink leathery snouted pouch of deliciousness. Oink oink, baby. Oink oink...

(PS - Joe Dirte and Pootie Tang are also Rooch Nation approved. So, ya know, watch those too.)

But like I said, I had to be inspired to get thing up on time, thanks to a myriad of car issues, power failures, and work related chores, so I don't really have much time to screw around. I mean, I mentioned coke AND pigs, and I haven't even had enough brainstorming time to think up an adequate 'Patrick Ewing' reference. Ya know? Huge nostrils? Pigs have funny snouts? Massive amounts of blow-neez? What? No good? Eh, I thought it had potential. Maybe it was just editorial destiny that I didn't have enough time to properly mold that one. Who knows, but I'm tellin' ya right now, had Len Bias not died on that night, he would have trying to keep pace with Patrick Ewing. And you just know! Lawrence Taylor would be in the mix too. Woooooo Eeee!!...

Either way, it's time to get down to business. So without any further dudes, I'm just gonna get right down to the picks...

Actually, one further dude. The cup holder of the Ford that I've been loaned while my "johnson rod" gets replaced has a cup holder in it that's truly somethin' else. At first I was befuddled thinking there wasn't one at all, and was about to Tweet about it, but then when I found it, I knew this little tidbit was more fit for the blog than for my 160 spaces of freedom. This cup holder is so complex (as opposed to the one pictured...disgusting/you know that chick TOTALLY plays the lottery on an hourly basis and crushes Marb Menthols for breakfast), it's as if Optimus Prime himself is next to me keeping my iced coffee company. I had to do so many pulls and folds to get this thing unearthed, I was convinced at any second that a kilo of the aforementioned Panamanian Bam Bam was gonna come rippin' out of there an spew all over my dash. It didn't, oddly enough, which is why I am actually able to get these suckers to ya before the weekend actually begins. Had the 'Bam Bam' flowed over my rental like the Salmon to Capistrano, then this post might have been headed in an entirely different direction...

Anybody else having trouble feeling their teeth?...

Enjoy, kiddos. Good luck, and have a great weekend. Oh, and if you do happen to win some money, slang some to Wyclef. He needs it for his peeps...2 times, 2 times!

Divisional Picks

Arizona Cardinals (+7) @ New Orleans Saints OVER 57

You see that game last week against Green Bay? Yeah, that's the type of performance I expect the Cardinals and Saints to put on this weekend in New Orleans. It almost makes too much sense to pick the team you just saw win most recently, and the points because these two teams love to score, but for once I'd rather be part of the herd than the good 'ole contrarian. Being the contrarian is how I went 0-4 last week, and while that's impressive in it's own Teddish way, I'm trying my best not to duplicate that performance again...

Glenn Ordway announced this week on WEEI's "Big Show", that he intends to pick all the losers this weekend in order to continue the 0-4 pace he set last week, but that's just him being embarrassed (though you'll never get him to admit it). I, on the other hand, have faith in my ability to bounce back, which is why I'm adding some OVER/UNDER's to my plate in order to finish the '09-'10 on a winning note. So again, to recap. Fat stumpy midget runs away and makes excuses, while statuesque, handsome, bearded savant sticks with his guns, and goes for the glory...

Nah, just kidding, Glenn. You may be stumpy, and you may strongly resemble that weirdo who does that shady food show in the morning and looks like Jabba the Hutt's brother, but you're still the man in this town when it comes to sports. SO for that, I salute you...I have to salute downward, though. Ya know, because you're so stumpy...

Indianapolis Colts (-6.5) vs Baltimore Ravens UNDER 44.5

This game was probably the hardest for me to pick this week, and seeing as I went 0-4 last week, that's saying a lot, but ultimately I decided to stick with the Colts and take the UNDER. I don't like when teams rest their players to end the season, and I usually factor that in, but I think the way this team controversially mailed it in during week 16 might serve as just enough extra motivation to it's stars to come out blazing to start this game. Not that I'm calling Colts owner, Bill Polian, some sort of genius for finding this amazing motivational tool and fooling us all, I just think that seeing as how it all unfolded against the Jets so oddly, will get Peyton and Co. in the right mood to go out there and prove their good to go...

I say they jump on the Ravens early, force Joe Flaccid to do more than the like 5 competitions from a week ago, he won't, and the Colts will ride into the AFC title game behind a 27-10 win. Yeah, 27-10. I like it. Maybe even 27-11, as the Ravens, down 27-3, go for and make a 2 point conversion to make a 2 score game some time in the 4th. Yeahhh. I like it...



Dallas Cowboys (+3.5) @ Minnesota Vikings OVER 45

Which gunslinger's gonna choke, and which one's gonna hop on his horse and Marlboro Man his way to the NFC Championship? That, my friends, is the question...

My decision, was to take the Cowboys in a similar fashion in which I took the Colts. Hop on 'em early, and make their QB beat ya. Thing is here, is that the QB is a little more capable, and wants nothing more than to fall behind and be "forced" into chucking the bean. I say a late strip sack clinches it for the Cowboys, excorcising Tony Romo's demons, and Brett Favre begins his yearly tap dance with the media. Eh, I guess it's better than having to watch him in the Super Bowl. Whenever you're done praying for Haiti, please pray for that, too. Lord knows it wouldn't be as horrific, but Dear God it wouldn't be all that pleasant, either...

And you know who had a heck of a wedding? Yeah, you know. Unless you didn't watch that shadily bootlegged Family Guy clip I have posted up there. That's dedication, taping that thing from your TV. I'd never want to meet the person who would do such a thing, but I'm glad they exist. Like trash men, or crazy street people that entertain you one minute, only to make you sad the next. Oooo he plays the banjo....Ahhhh I bet that backpack doubles as his house :-(...


San Diego Chargers (-7) vs New York Jets UNDER 42.5

Finals match up of the week, but much of the same from this guy. This guy, of course, referring to me...

In past seasons I've screwed myself by never giving enough credit to the #1 and #2 seeds in their first games. Ya know, out of sight out of mind, type deal. Well I'm not doin' that with San Diego this time around. Rivers has been too good, and that team too consistent for me not to pick them for at least the AFC Championship game. I still would have loved to see a GB/SD Super Bowl, but even though that ship has sailed, I still like the Chargers chances...

I know the Jets D is good, but like I said, I see this game going like 2 others above. San Diego comes out hot, forces Dirty Sanchez to make plays, he can't, and the Jets fly back home with Rex Ryan's gullet dandruff tucked between their legs. Rivers just has too many weapons for Darrelle Revis to shut them all down, and there's no way Norv Turner is gonna keep one big time corner from having Big Philly Styles chuck the rock around all game...

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the 'Norv Turner Can't Coach in the Playoffs' factor is being negated in this instance by the 'Yaaaaaa, Go Bolts'. My good friend, and SoCal native, Cyrus Mor (that's him above, explaining why I have a half nude Persian/American dude on my blog), is found of saying "yaaaaaaaaa", and has a knack for jumping on teams' bandwagons' right before they win a Championship (see: Angels '03; Cuse '03). Going to school in San Diego, living across the way from Qualcom Stadium, and being fond of the powder blue uni's....not to mention a 12-4 season coinciding with all this, was more than enough to gain Cyrus's allegiance. That, and the only interest he had before was rooting against "East Coasters", and their favorite teams such as the Jets, Pats and Giants...

So Yaaaaaaa, indeed, my good friends. Take the Bolts, fer Sholts in yet another one sided affair...


Last Week: 0-4-0

'09-'10 Regular Season: 155-110-7 (.583)


Hope you enjoyed the ride, boys and girls, and don't forget to check out RoochNation on Twitter at, @RoochNation. Hell just sign up already. Trust me, if you like being up to date on things in any field whatsoever, Twitter is really the way to go. I know I sound like a broken record at this point, but just like with No Reservations, just do it now, and thank me later. The more hilarious and informative people I can get on my Twitter feed, the better. And chances are, if you're reading this, you're probably both...or neither...

So decide which one you are, and either sign up or don't...And if the only thing you liked about this blog was the shirtless Persian kid, not only should you not sign up, but should seek immediate help...or just go to Gary Glitter's house. And yes, I'm chosing to end on that incredibly gross remark about pedofilia...

Have a great weekend, you ultimate savages...

1 time 4 Haiti...

Teddy Williams...
100...