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Monday, October 26, 2009

NFL Week 8 Picks: Getaway Day...


Ladies and Teds, I've made an important decision. Actually, it's more like I've come to an important conclusion. And no, it's not that I've decided to be Pedro's dead midget for Halloween. For a change, this is actually semi-serious. So here it is, my revelation...

Less is more.

Ooooo, I'm so deep. Like the bucket seats in Serena's Corvette. But just because my new thought process is popular saying and a long time philosophy, doesn't mean that when it comes me, it doesn't still apply, right?

And believe me, it's not an excuse as to why I haven't been on my A game as of late, either. More, it's just a slight change in philosophy mixed with a small dash of reality. Translation? I'd rather post less often and have those posts be on topics that I truly am passionate about. You know, more of a "the rhythm is gonna get you" type deal rather than the "just another brick in the wall" mentality...

OK, even I didn't totally get that comparison, but I think the point has been driven home. When it comes to the Nation, less will be more. I'll still have my picks every week, and I'll still be posting on a "regular basis", just not actually on a "regular schedule" if you know what I'm sayin'. It's more of a quality control thing, really...

That, and I'm about an hour away from leaving for a debacherous weekend in New York, so I had to think of an adequate excuse as to I A) didn't post earlier in the week and B) why my weekly picks were so abbreviated...

So enjoy this week's picks, as I head into the pleasure-dome that is New York City, and keep one eye on the horizon for the next edition of Rooch Nation. If my gut feeling is correct, you won't have to wait too long, and when it does arrive it will probably be a big hate-fest on JD Drew and Theo Epstein, with a little side order of why current Red Sox fans could give two shits about the World Series...

Hey, what can I say. Apparently just the illusion of "absence" is making my heart grow fonder for one of my all time favorite topics. Bashing JD Drew...

But for now, it's on with the picks, so I can get on to the city. Enjoy...

Week 8 Picks


Denver Broncos (+3.5) @ Baltimore Ravens

This year's Broncos are essentially last year's Ravens, minus Joe Flaccid's rocket arm...and the different uniforms...

That being the case, I always like new over old, so I'm taking the Broncos. OK, that's not entirely true, but seeing as it fits my current argument, let's roll with it. Both teams are coming off of a bye, and even though Baltimore is at home, I don't think that dictates that they'll come out of this one a winner. Hey, I may have been slow to come around on the Broncos and quick to crown the Ravens, but this week's pick should help set things straight...

On a side note, does anyone else find it peculiar that a guy with the name "Flaccid" has such a strong and powerful limb? Weird, right?...



Miami Dolphins (+3) @ New York Jets

I'll be at this game, kids, but I've decided not to wear my Ricky Williams' dred wig. I will, however, be attempting to intoxicate myself on par with that of an attendee at a Ryan Family Reunion. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

Oh, and originally I was gonna take the OVER so I could just root for a crazy game and not have to root against the Jets, but I've decided what the Hell. Fuck the Jets, man. Matter of fact, fuck the Dolphins, too. Who am I kidding? I don't like either of these teams. That's why, I'll just be rooting for myself to have a good time, and I'll be picking the Dolphins to win not because of any sentimental reasoning, but just because I think they're the better team...

T-E-D-S TEDS, TEDS, TEDS. That's what I'll be surrounded by...minus of course my good friend, Jared. He's not a Ted at all, just a nappy sports fan. And there's nothin' wrong with that, no matter what team he decides to root for...



Indianapolis Colts (-12.5) vs San Fransisco 49ers

The Colts have officially become the only team, that's not your home team, that you can comfortably watch with your girlfriend, without her requesting you to change the channel. That is, if Peyton continues to spread the ball around and you make sure to place a few well timed comments...

Yeah, it's all about Hank Baskett-Wilkinson...

A few grabs for Hank, a few comments about how you missed last week's episode of he and Kendra's reality show, and it'll be Sunday Night Football before you know it...

Oh and when your girl decides to put on a football jersey for ya and prance around the room doing her best Kendra impression, there's no need to thank me. Granted it probably won't be as sexy in a Wes Welker or Michael Vick jersey, but I think the general idea is still the same. Besides, unless you're totally inept, that jersey should end up on the floor sooner rather than later anyway...

Mmmmm. Kendra is annoying as all Hell, but damn that's a fine ass. Get a wildcat in that backfield, see what happens. Right? Right? Huh? You know what I'm talkin' about? Yeah, you definitely know what I'm talkin' about...

But in case you didn't, it's wild doggy style sex, with no inclusion of Ricky Williams, but a possible appearance by "Ronnie Brown", if you get my drift...


Tennessee Titans (-3) vs Jacksonville Jaguars

Yeah, I'm really not sure what I'm doin' here, either. Oh wait, I know what it is. I'm depending on the Tennessee defense this week in fantasy. Imagine that? If you told me before the season that I'd be able to just walk onto the waiver wire and pick up the Titans defense in week 8, I flat out wouldn't have believed you. Probably doesn't bode well for my chances this week, but I'll use that karma any way I can...

Hell, even if it's not karma, Fisher and the Titans have to win sometime this year, don't they? And what better chance than the first game of the season in which they start Vince Young?!?! Yeah, that was sarcasm. And yes, if it's what you were just thinking, I am picking this game in a sort of reverse psychology type move. You know, predicting the irrational? It usually never works out well for me, picking in such a fashion, but like I said, I really need the help on my fantasy team...

And Jeff Fisher has a beard, so there's that...Matter of fact. Make this pick my bearded lock of the week. How's that for triple reverse psychology?...



Arizona Cardinals (-10) vs Carolina Panthers + OVER 41

With Beanie Wells adding another dimension to the Cardinals offense, and the Arizona defense making me regret with each passing week that I dropped them from my fantasy squad, it's becoming clearer every week how and why this team ended up in last year's Super Bowl...

As for the Panthers? Well there's not really much to say. If Jake Delhomme keeps turning the ball over at his current pace, he's gonna make the old Brett Favre look like a combination of Tom Brady and Joe Montegna. Ya know, the actor?...


Buffalo Bills (+4) vs Houston Texans

Here's some more poor reasoning for ya. I'm picking the Bills this week because their QB, Ryan Fitzpatrick, is from Harvard...

Well that, and I don't think the Bills are nearly as bad as people think...


Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers OVER 47

The game of week, without question, and it should be a shootout. The game earlier in the season in Minnesota had a total of 53, so despite the fact they might be dealing with some weather this weekend, I'll still take the 47 and run with it. After all, if we've learned anything the last few weeks, it's that the inclement weather virtually always favors the passing game. Especially when it's snow...

Now I'm not sayin' it's gonna snow in Green Bay this weekend. I mean the next time I look at a Wisconsin weather report will be the first. What I am sayin', is that even if it does snow, I've got ya covered...

Go Beard, Go! Go Beard, Go! Hey Wisconsin what do you say, I heard that Favre is fucking gay...(sung to the beat of the song "Go, Cubs Go!", which oddly enough, can be heard right here!)



If the picks above don't tickle your fancy, and the song hasn't gotten you in a toe-tappin' good mood, there are a few OVERs down here worth taking a look at. And I hear ya. "Oooooo Rooch you only pick OVERs and never pick UNDERS". Well, to that end I only have one thing to say. Rooting against team's scoring points is just unnatural, and anyone doing so, is more than likely a member of Al Qaeda. I'm an American, dammit. We like big boobs, big beers, big cars, big wars and lots of points. Defense is cool, don't get me wrong, it's just even cooler when the defense ends up in the endzone. That way, everybody wins!..

Oh, and speaking of terrorists, amazing terrorist references in this week's Office and It's Always Sunny. If you haven't seen 'em yet, I strongly advise you take a look. After you finish up here, of course...

Chicago Bears vs Cleveland Browns OVER 40

Detroit Lions (-4) vs St. Louis Rams

Seattle Seahawks @ Dallas Cowboys OVER 46

Oakland Raiders (+16.5) @ San Diego Chargers

New York Giants (pick) @ Philadelphia Eagles


Monday Night
New Orleans Saints (-10) vs Atlanta Falcons

I'm still on this "the Saints are the best team in the NFL" kick, so despite the big point spread, I'm stickin' with 'em. And if the OVER weren't an insane, college football like 56, or whatever it is, I'd prolly be picking that too. Ya know, it being Monday Night Football 'n all. It's just with that amount of points, it really takes two teams to cover. And while I'm confident that the Saints can hold up their end of the deal, I'm not as sure about the Falcons...


Last Week: 6-7-1

Overall: 59-45-2 (.566)

Top Picks: 25-25-2 (.500)

Lock Of the Week: 6-1-0 (.857)



NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Florida (-15) vs Georgia (Jacksonville, FL)

(13) Oklahoma St. (+9) vs (3) Texas

(10) Oregon (+3.5) vs (4) USC

(5) Cincinnati (-15) @ Syracuse

(6) Boise St. (-35) vs San Jose St.

(7) Iowa (-17.5) @ Indiana

(8) TCU (-35) vs UNLV

Tulane (+36) @ (9) LSU

Vanderbilt (+12) vs (11) Georgia Tech

(12) Penn St. (-15) @ Northwestern

Southern Miss (+7) @ (15) Houston

(17) Ohio St. (-44) vs New Mexico St.

(18) Miami (-7) @ Wake Forest

(19) Utah (-17) vs Wyoming

(20) West Virginia (-3) @ South Florida

Tennessee (-5.5) vs (21) South Carolina

Kansas St. (+28) @ (22) Oklahoma

(24) Mississippi (-4.5) @ Auburn

Washington St. (+28) @ (25) Notre Dame



Last Week: 15-7-0

Overall: 68-43-3 (.610)

See, I didn't even have time to do a quick little cute summary of what's to come in this week's slate of Top 25 games. That's how busy I am. That, and I wanna grab a quick bite before I hit the road...

Have a great weekend, everyone, and have a Happy Halloween...

Teddy Williams...

100...

Friday, October 23, 2009

NFL Week 7 Picks: Perverts and Predictions...


So I got about a third of the way through writing my post for earlier in the week, and I just hit the wall. Not a mental block or anything like that, just a lack of desire to finish going down the road on which I had embarked. I didn't wanna write about how the Patriots 59-0 win was borderline boring, and you didn't wanna read it. I mean, to clarify, I was pleased with the Patriots improvement and are encouraged at the strides it seems Brady and the offense have taken, it's just it was over so fast, and the more out of hand it got, the less I felt I this game was actually going to teach me about the state of the team...

So I scrapped it. It wasn't hard to walk away, considering my busy schedule, a half assed head cold and back logged DVR programs to watch, but there was a part of me that felt bad for letting down my loyal readers. You turn to me for hilarious insight on the MLB Playoffs (which have been amazing, at least the ALCS), the week 6 wrap up and Steve Phillips grotesque sexcapades, and this week, I let you down. And believe me, I had plenty of insight into Mariano's spit-fest, the poor MLB umpiring, and again, Steve Phillips and the "Double Bag Suprise", but that's a moment in time that's passed, and my musings on those topics will have to be left to your imagination. To help you along, I will admit that there was a Dana Jacobsen reference in which she was wearing a leather saddle and trying to shove an empty bottle of Belvedere up her...well, like I said. You'll just have to use your imagination. Or go to Deadspin after you're donw here. They've been doin' a great job at carving up the sex freaks at the 4 letter network, and believe me, it makes for some mighty funny reading...

Oh and sorry about that Dan Jacobson image. I'm just so used to making fun of her man-dudeness that sometimes I forget how an image of her getting sexual pleasure from a liquor bottle might make the avgerage person just a wee bit squeamish. So again, I truly am sorry...

But to make it up to you, the loyal gangsters that you are, I've decided to unleash a deluxe edition of my weekly picks, this time picking every game as a "Top Pick" instead of just a precious few...

OK, you caught me. While I am eager to make amends with my loyal fanbase, there are two other factors that weighed heavily into my deciding to pick all 13 of this week's games...

1) A quick look at the numbers, and you realize my "Top Picks" are actually dragging down my overall winning percentage. My new feature, the "And You Can Put It On The Bearrrrrrd...YES! Lock of the Week", is helping my cause @ 3-1 and 3 in a row, but in general my "Top Picks" are holdin' me back. They're struggling to stay above .500, while the rest of my picks are cashing in at nearly a 63% clip...

So I figure, why not put my suspicions to the test? Is it me overanalyzing the picks that I write about from week to week? IS that what's clouding my judgment? It stands to reason that's the case, and the numbers bare it out, so what better way to determine if it it's true than by picking every game during a week in which I find the schedule to be rather easy to navigate. Oh yeah, that's #2...

2) I looked at the spreads this week, and while I usually have trouble selecting an adequate number of "Top Picks", this Sunday's matchups presented the exact opposite problem. With exception to maybe one or two games, I like them all! I went down the list, and one by one, I made quick and "simple" decisions as to which side of the number I'd rather be on. Granted in my experience, decisive action like this usually leads to a humbling disaster, but seeing as it jives so well with my mea cupla, I figured I'd just ignore those creepy voices in my head, and give it a shot...

Besides, I know it's what the people want. And who am I to not give the people what they want?...


Week 7 Picks
New England Patriots (-14.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers + OVER 42 (London, UK)

So as I was saying off the top, the Patriots and their lopsided Tennessee beatdown were one of the main reasons I didn't end up posting my normal Tuesday afternoon recap. I mean, what was there to say, really? Brady's back? The Pats are the Pats again? Or maybe I could have pose the question as to why was it snowing only in Foxboro, MA and nowhere else in the area? What was the deal with that, anyway? Ah, see this is why I stopped when I was writing on Tuesday. I had a whole "Snow-Gate" conspiracy figured out where Belichick had Bon Jovi fly the snow in on his private helicopter, but it wasn't funny, it wasn't interesting, and I knew there was little chance that anyone was actually gonna enjoy it...

The good news is, it appears that Brady and the Pats are back, at least against shitty teams. Lucky for them, and lucky for us, the betting public, that's exactly who they have on tap for this week's tilt across the pond. Granted I have become a believer in what head coach Raheem Morris and rookie QB Josh Johnson are eventually gonna do down in Tampa, it's just they're at least a year away...

I look for the Pats to jump on Tampa early with, surprise surprise, the passing attack, and leave them in a hole that they won't be able to get out of. They simply don't have the passing game themselves to play from behind, and while Johnson might make some nice plays outside the pocket, it won't be nearly enough...

Brady to Moss reigns supreme for another week, the British people will still refuse to acknowledge that our football is the real football (although they do have a point, literally) and the Patriots will move to 5-2 with their second consecutive 20+ point shellacking...

Patriots 38 Tampa Bay 11

Soccer: It's "Kick the Can" for Mexicans and Eurotrash. Real men play football...or at least fantasy football...

"Anything to declare?"

"Yeah. Don't go to England!"


Indianapolis Colts (-13.5) @ St. Louis Rams

Oh, so did I mention the Pats were my lock of the week? Not the OVER, mind you, just the Pats and the points. Well yeah, they are. And so are the Colts...

I'm reverting back to my "Pick Against the Rams" strategy, and who better to be on the other side of the ball than the well rested Colts? How this could possibly end up a competitive game is beyond me. Hell I'd take this game at 15, 17, and maybe even 20, and if the Colts were at home, I'd prolly spot them an even 25...

Yeah, the Rams suck. And it doesn't hurt that Peyton Manning's ill, either...


Green Bay Packers (-7.5) @ Cleveland Browns

It's always a risky proposition taking a road team that has issues protecting their QB, but it seems this week, I'm just a glutton for punishment. Despite being sacked a league worst 25 times, Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers has still managed a 101 QB rating and should have no trouble carving up the hapless Cleveland secondary...

And that's not even accounting for the fact that Cleveland is already 0-2 at home this year, and is coming off a week where the majority of their locker room was ravaged by the flu. Yeah, cuz that's exactly what that they needed...

Oh and for the record, if the Browns fire Eric Mangini this year, then that goes more towards proving they're inept than it does that he's a bad coach. 6 games into his Patriot's tenure, Coach Bill B. Hoodsworth was only 2-4. Imagine if the Kraft's had given him the boot? It's tough to remember, but that's exactly what many local media members were calling for. Even a certain few that now find their tongue's and lip's firmly up against Billy's brown spot. Not saying I like Mangini, or think he's a good coach. I'm just sayin' that judging a man on less than half a season would more be a reflection on indecisive management...

Ah, whatever. Mangini's a terd. His team is beat. And they're gonna lose...

Fire his ass, already...

New Orleans Saints (-6.5) @ Miami Dolphins

It's only a matter of time before the Saints lose, and while a tough road game in Miami might be the perfect spot for it, I just don't see it happening. I talked to Giants special teamer, Zak Deossie, yesterday for the Brown Football Coaches Show on AM 790 (ding!), and he made it perfectly clear that the Saints team that beat his Giants down last week are by far and away the best team he's ever seen in his 3 years in the NFL. More to the point, he called them "complete"...

Strong words for a man that won a Super Bowl in his rookie year against the 17-0 Pats, but he's the pro with an Ivy League degree, and I'm just a schmuck still living in his parents basement. That being the case, even though I still have reservations about their defense, I'll take the Saints and the points. If they're nearly as complete as Zak claims they are, they shouldn't have any trouble handling the Wildcat, an Lord knows Brees shouldn't have any trouble on his end...

Could this be the last time I trust an Ivy Leaguer? Could be. Then again, I'm gonna need someone to do my taxes when I start making serious money. Ahhh, what am I talking about? I know enough Jewish kids from Syracuse, I'm sure they got me covered...

Wait. Jewish people are supposed to be good with money, right?..


Oakland Raiders (+6) vs New York Jets

Nothing will be sweeter than the back pages if the Rex Ryan and his once undefeated Jets drop their 4th straight to Rex's former employer. And don't worry, I haven't gone back to predicting games based on possible headlines again, I honestly think this spread is just a little too juicy to pass up. Granted the Raiders only score a touch over 10 points a game, but I just can't in good conscience pick a team on a 3 game losing streak, traveling 3,000 miles, and spotting the home team nearly a touchdown. I just can't do it. Kind of like Sean Salisbury can't resist whipping out his wang and snapping photos of it with his phone...

Bam, ESPN! Bam! Take that, you sexual degenerates!..

Kansas City Chiefs (+5) vs San Diego Chargers

The Chiefs have been money for me this year, despite just being 1-5, and I look for them to cover for the 3rd straight week as a home dog against the division rival Chargers. San Diego is coming off a short week after their disappointing home loss on Monday Night, and KC is looking to build on their first win. Their not having scored a touchdown in the last 5 quarters and their shaky o-line are obviously a concern, but I'll take my chances...

Hey, better to take the team that's at home and coming off a win, than they team that's on the road coming of a loss, right? Yeah, that logic works...

Carolina Panthers (-7) vs Buffalo Bills

The Panthers are doing what many, including myself, thought the Titans would end up doing. They're "rallying around" or "playing for" their coach, John Fox. I know, I know, that all seems like complete bull shit, and I don't totally disagree. The fact remains, though, that after their bye week, the previously 0-3 Panthers have gone 2-0 and have just played a lot better brand of football. OK so maybe it was just games against the Redskins and Buccaneers, but at least it shows the Panthers don't suck, right?..

Now the Bills don't exactly suck, either, having played teams like the Patriots and Saints fairly close, but their o-line issues and an injured Trent Edwards don't exactly point to success on the horizon...

Then again, and not to get in the habit of second guessing myself, but if you wanna take an upset flyer, pick Buffalo backup Ryan Fitzpatrick to finally start utilizing TO, and to torch the Panthers for like 300+ yards. Hey, what can I say? It's an Ivy League type of week, and as a Harvard grad, and the only person I know to ace the Wonderlic Test, Fitzpatrick has set himself up nicely for success...

Actually, that probably means he's gonna be a huge business success in post football life, and that he'll get thrown around this week like the rag doll nerd that he is...

"You like apples? I'm takin' the Panthers and the points. How ya like them apples?"

Yeah, that sounded a lot better in my head. Ya know, when it was in the developmental stages? Now it just sounds gay and out of place. Eh, whatever, I already typed it, and I'm lazy, so I'm keepin' it...

Atlanta Falcons (+4) @ Dallas Cowboys

To be completely honest, I doubt there's a chance I pick the Cowboys as a favorite the rest of the season. Maybe even ever!..

So that's where my head's at on that one...

Chicago Bears (+1.5) @ Cincinnati Bengals

I picked the Bears to make the Super Bowl out of the NFC, and while I'm not exactly in love with that prediction, all is not lost. In my prediction, I had the Bears limping out to a 2-3 start before gaining some offensive consistency and becoming a real force. I know we haven't seen much of that so far this season, as they've struggled to run and Cutler has been inconsistent, but it has to start somewhere...

I mean, not really, but if I'm gonna be right it has to start somewhere. In my world, that "somewhere" is this week in the Ill Natty. Bear down, baby! Bear down!...


San Fransisco 49ers (+3.5) @ Houston Texans

Probably the toughest game of the week for me, and as a weak cop out I'm taking the 49ers because they're my starting fantasy defense. The Texans finally seem to have their passing game clicking, and their defense is improving every week, but after their embarrassing home loss to the Falcons, I like the Niners to come out well prepared and ready to fight. I've ridden Mike Singletary and the "preparation" card to many a win over the past year, and this week, in a game I've deemed a toss up, that's the logic I'm using to help support my decision...

That, and I really need them to show up for my fantasy team, or I could end up owing my buddy Rob 4 Gray's Papaya hot dogs, and I might be forced to smoke something that could very well kill me. It's a long story / it involves breaking the law so don't make me explain it, but trust me. We'll all be better off if the Niners shut down the Texans and there's a good chance their victory could lead to a hot dog buffet for yours truly...

So yeah. Niners...


New York Giants (-7) vs Arizona Cardinals

Normally, with the Cardinals traveling east, this would be a contender for a lock, but something just doesn't feel right. The Giants getting blown out by the Saints really threw me off guard, I guess. Either way, there's no way I'm taking the Cardinals. No way in Hell. Especially after a Cardinal team destined for the Super Bowl came into Foxboro last year and laid an epic egg. They didn't even get off the freakin' bus...

If you have more confidence in the Cardinals than I do, then by all means tack the OVER of 46.5 onto that bad larry too. For me, I'll take the Giants, assuming they'll return to their pre-Big Easy form, and assuming the Cardinals will continue their habit of playing like ass against good teams on the East Coast...


Minnesota Vikings @ Pittsburgh Steelers OVER 43.5

ESPN's John Clayton said this game was gonna be a shootout and one of this season's must see matchups. I happen to agree 100%. Problem is, in wake of all this sexual perversion going down in Bristol these days, I can't think of John "the Professor" Clayton without imagining the unbelievably weird and kinky shit that the sickos around that joint like to do with his ponytail...

Yes. If you didn't know. John Clayton, that balding bastard, has a ponytail running down that nerdy little neck of his. And now, all I can think of is Chris McKendry strapping one on and and violating Clayton from the back, using his ponytail to gain leverage and really penetrate. Talk about the "World Wide Leader"...

Yeah, sorry. But it was such an obvious pun, I really had to use it...


Monday Night
Washington Redskins (+7) vs Philadelphia Eagles

The only reason to pick the Skins in this game is if you're A) a glutton for punishment, or B) someone who really wants to see the Eagles fail. Oddly enough, I happen to be both...

And it's not even so much that I hate all things Philly (minus "It's Always Sunny"), which I do, but it's moreso that I had a feeling before the season even started that this Eagle team was headed for an epic implosion. And nothing starts an implosion better than back to back losses to hapless teams, with the second one coming at home and on Monday Night...

Get your meth pipe's ready, Reid brothers. Daddy's gonna need a hit like no other after this week. Matter of fact, make it a double. I'm not sure how you do that with meth, exactly. But just add some more cold medicine and another splash of Drano. That should do the trick...


Last Week: 8-5-1 (Top Picks: 3-4-1)

Overall: 53-38-1 (.582)

Top Picks: 19-18-1 (.513)

Lock of the Week: 3-1-0


This week's college picks? Not getting the same special treatment as their NFL brethren, that's for sure. But that doesn't mean I'm not continuing to bring the funk...

Highlights from this week's picks include Auburn and Washington fighting conference foes til the bitter end, Mississippi St. getting a backdoor cover against the Gators, and a sentimental UCONN pick, as they hit the road to face a ranked West Virginia team the same week they lost teammate, Jasper Howard to a tragic murder...

See, I do have a soft spot...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Alabama (-14) vs Tennessee

Mississippi St. (+23.5) @ (2) Florida

(3) Texas (-13) @ Missouri

(4) USC (-21) vs Oregon St.

(5) Cincinnati (-18) vs Louisville

(6) Boise St. (-25) @ Hawaii

(7) Iowa (pick) @ Michigan St.

(8) Miami (-4.5) vs Clemson

Auburn (+8) @ (9) LSU

(16) BYU (+2.5) vs (10) TCU

(11) Georgia Tech (-5.5) @ Virginia

Washington (+10) vs (12) Oregon

(13) Penn St. (-4.5) @ Michigan

(14) Oklahoma St. (-9.5) @ Baylor

(17) Houston (-16.5) vs SMU

(18) Ohio St. (-16.5) vs Minnesota

Air Force (+10) @ (19) Utah

(20) Pittsburgh (-6.5) vs South Florida

(21) Texas Tech (-21.5) vs Texas A&M

UCONN (+7.5) @ (22) West Virginia

(23) South Carolina (-12.5) vs Vanderbilt

(25) Oklahoma (-7.5) @ (24) Kansas



Last Week: 9-6-1

Overall: 53-36-3 (.592)


So there ya have it. I hope you prosper from my sage advice, but I hope you learned something here today as well. Me? I learned that Connecticut is a dangerous place full of murderers and perverted deviants. Most of which like to do kinky things with gross interns, old nerd's with ponytails and big girls that may or may not resemble middle linebackers. Hey, to each his, her or it's own, I always say. And as long as it keeps the funny headlines and photos comin', I guess I'm all for it...

Sex on, Bristol. Sex on. Just don't let me hear any stories about what somebody caught a male intern doing with Stuart Scott's eye. There's a good chance that would just force my insides to internally vomit, thus killing me with my own poisonous toxins...

Not a good way to go, man. And a painful end that I'd much prefer to avoid...

Nice volleyball talent in that state though, if I do say so myself. Good God, those are some finely shaped rumps! Bump? Set? Spike? Yeah. Sign me up for at least one of each of those...

Have a good weekend, kids!

Teddy Williams...

100...

Friday, October 16, 2009

NFL Week 6 Picks: Ripped-Off From the Headlines...



The closer we get to the World Series, the more I'm beginning to question how on earth I didn't predict that the two final teams standing would the the Yankees and the Dodgers?!? I mean, it's not like I had the Sox winning it or anything. Matter of fact, I had the Rays. But how did I, the king of basing my predictions on what would be the best possible "story", completely whiff on spotting the potential for such a dream match up? Especially when both teams were considered top tier contenders heading into the season?!? Dammit!!!

It's got the West vs East thing goin'. Then of course there's Joe Torre coming to the new Yankee Stadium, or as he probably refers to it, "The House That I Built". It's even got a little Red Sox/Yankee thing with the involvement of a certain dredded left fielder. And yes, that's how I intended to spell "dredded", but you're free to interpret the usage of the word any way you wish...

Then again, trying to predict story lines never works out. I know, right? Who'd a thunk it? Newsflash: Predicting the future is not easy...

Matter of fact, it's trying to attempt such things that make you pick Hollis Price + Qantas White to lead the '03 Oklahoma Sooners to the Final Four in their hometown of New Orleans and miss out on a freshface youngster leading an upstate New York school on an improbable championship run...

What was the name of that school, again? They had ugly colored uniforms and some small white kid who was wet from 3? No? Yeah, me either. For some reason I was too busy drinking in the streets and dodging/igniting random flying objects in the immediate aftermath of that team's victory, so I can't really recall all the details...

Wait! I got it!...nope...lost it...I wanted to say Arizona there for a second, but that was nearly a decade earlier, and they definitely aren't from upstate New York. But hey, "Simon Says Championship!", right? How did I not see that headline comin?!?!...

Yeah, that's why I stick to predicting football games, and have long ago stopped trying to prophecize outcomes by closing my eyes and imagining possible newspaper headlines. Well, that's a lie, actually. I still consider it a hobby. And I'm still pretty damn good at it, to be honest. Not to say I still employ it as a betting strategy, as that would contradict everything I just wrote, but I do enjoy imagining them just in case. You know, so that way I can belittle all the various publications when they essentially copy an idea I had come up with weeks before...

I know, it's truly a sad existence, but hey, whatever gets you through the day right? Some people watch crappy reality TV shows, I imagine fake newspaper headlines. Whatever gets you through the day...

Oh, and I write a blog too. And in that blog I make football picks. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's how this whole thing got started. So check 'em out. And if "Good As New: Brady + Moss Return to From as Pats Torch Titans" OR "Remember the Patriots?" happen to appear at the top of a publication near and dear to you before the weekend is out, just remember...that gave me wood...

Gross...

Anyway. Simon Says, on with the picks!...


Week 6 Picks
New England Patriots (-9) vs Tennessee Titans

I say it frequently, and while I know a lot of you don't find it sincere, I have to say it again. I really wrestled with whether or not to take the Pats against the spread this week...

Now those of you that have been following me for a long time will know that I made my name in the early going often picking against the Pats right in the middle of their dynastic run. They obviously still won a bunch, it's just they sucked at covering. And look at how well that worked out for me. My team won, I looked smart, and I got respect for having the balls to pick against my own team. It was, dare I say, how life should be all the time. ME always being right, and everyone having a subtle, yet strong respect for me and my powers of intuition. IT would be a world, where, if Hank Hill were to described it, all he would have to do is take a longing look into the distance, and let out a proud, almost religious sounding, "Utpoia..."...

Good ole Hank. He'd probably find me far too liberal for his liking in real life, but seeing as he's a cartoon, he's subject to my whims, and I've forced him to be my friend. None of you watch the now cancelled "King of the Hill", though, and instead of trying to convince you it's totally worth your time, I'll just move back on to the actual game...

So as I was saying, I wrestled with this one a bit, mostly because of the monster point spread. Oh their 3 wins this year, only one (against Atlanta) has been by more than 6, and that includes a home tilt with the lowly Bills on opening weekend. Fortunately, during my wrestling, I decided that this was the weekend the Patriots offense would finally start to click, which is why I eventually took them to win, took the points, and signed sealed and delivered them as the "You Can Put it on the Bearrrrrrd....YES!", lock of the week. That's right, kids. Patriots, gonna cover. Lock it up...

Matt Light being on the shelf doesn't worry me so much, mostly because that even though they have a tough defensive front 4, the Titans blitz fewer than almost any other team in the league. Besides, everything I've seen and heard from rookie fill in, Sebastian Vollmer, has been very good and I've never been a big fan of Light. I know I've hid my true feelings about the left tackle hidden for a long time, but I think the play of the line this week will go a long way towards proving to people that he's long been one of, if not the, most overrated and overpaid player on the team...

I feel bad for Jeff Fischer and his 0-5 Titans, I really do. But a road game against a sleeping giant? Yeah, it just doesn't look good. Mustaches or no mustache, Jeff, you could be in for a really long Sunday...

The Colts beat the Titans last week 31-9, and that's the score I'm goin' with this week. The Titans could make a game of it if their able to run the ball early with Johnson and White, but I see a quick punch in the mouth from the Pats setting the tone, and leaving the announcers all game to focus on whether or not the Titans should start Vince Young, and whether or not it's possible that the NFL's longest tenured coach is in jeopardy of losing his job...

Hey, you gotta talk about somethin' during a blowout, don't ya?...


Pittsburgh Steelers (-13) vs Cleveland Browns

Philadelphia Eagles (-13) @ Oakland Raiders

"I hate the freakin' Eagles, man!" - The Dude

How true, dude. And while you're takin' it easy for all us sinners, I'll have to do abide by doing a little sinning of my own. I hate the Eagles, I hate the Steelers, and I loathe everything their cities and their fans represent. Philly Cheese Steak sucks. Keystone ber sucks. The coal industry sucks. And statues of fake boxers suck, too. Lucky for those Ted-laden fan bases, not only are their teams good, but they have ridiculously favorable match ups this week. One's going up against JaMarcus Leaf, the other, Derek "I just came off the worst game in NFL history" Anderson...

Pretty much, it's 6 of one and pick 'em as far as I'm concerned. It's two good teams, playing two bad teams, and you know their gonna win, so you just hope and pray they cover the number...

"You sayin' the carpet pissers did this?"...


Minnesota Vikings (-3) vs Baltimore Ravens

When the week began I was seriously considering taking the Vikings as my bearded lock of the week, until I finally came to my senses. Trust Brett Favre? Trust that Vicodin scarfin', Wrangler jean wearin' senior citizen with my lock of the week? Yeah, not a chance...

I still like their chances this week at home against the Ravens, though. Baltimore is good, but if they lost to the Pats in Foxboro, I can't say I like their chances in the raucous Metrodome on Mall of America Field. That just sounds menacing, doesn't it? Mall of America Field? I know I'm frightened...


New York Giants (+3) @ New Orleans

This one's for NFC supremacy, and as the spread will tell you, the odds makers think these two teams are basically even. I'm taking the Giants, not just because I think they're gonna win, but because I don't wanna start the trend of NOT picking undefeated teams when they're being spotted a full field goal. I don't care if their opponent is undefeated too, it's just good business, and not a selection I want to get into the habit of making...

Funny picture of Eli though, right? That might be photo shopped, but that totally happened...


Arizona Cardinals @ Seattle Seahawks OVER 46.5

Last season, Arizona won both their match ups with the Seahawks, and the two teams scored a total of 101 points. This week, Arizona is coming off scoring 28. and showing signs their offense is back on track, while Seattle finally has a healthy Matt Hasselbeck and themselves are fresh off a 41-0 spanking of the Jags. I know sometimes in this divisional battles teams can tend to know each other too well to really score, but history shows us this rivalry has no such issues...

Look for Warner and Hasselbeck to air it out early and often, and for this 46.5 to be a mere blip in their rear view mirror as they motor towards a 38-35 type of outcome...


New York Jets (-9.5) vs Buffalo Bills

Another pick that was a candidate for the lock this week, the Jets should have no trouble with the Bills this weekend in the Meadowlands. I know a lot of people would look at the "short week" for the Jets because they played on Monday night as an excuse to pick against them, but not me. I like trends, and all, but when it comes to making picks, I tend to rely mostly on talent. Especially if there isn't any blatant headline that I'd like to see...

Then again, a picture of Mark Sanchez on the ground under a headline reading "GROUNDED", sure does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?...Or better yet, how about a split picture of Rex Ran making a sour face and TO dancing in the endzone with the headline "Rex-ican Hat Dance"?

Yeah, that last one's not gonna work. Would be funny though, wouldn't it? Especially if he still had those flowing locks, as opposed to that spare tire...Arrrrrrriiiiba!...


As for the rest of the picks, I sat on the fence on whether to pick the Skins to "win one for Zorn", but ultimately sided with KC. And as is custom, I threw up my hands in the NFC south tilt between Carolina and Tampa, and decided the safest bet would be for me to take the OVER. Seeing as me record in that division is about 0 for a trillion, I'd just go ahead and steer clear of that game all together...

Kansas City Chiefs (+6) @ Washington Redskins

Cincinnati Bengals (-4.5) vs Houston Texans

Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers OVER 40

Green Bay Packers (-13) vs Detroit Lions

Atlanta Falcons (-3) vs Chicago Bears


Monday Night
Denver Broncos (+3.5) @ San Diego Chargers

Denver wins this one, and you can all but hand them the AFC West title. I still don't think their "undefeated" or "#1 seed" good, but up against the enigma that is the San Diego Chargers, I'll take my chances. Again, I don't wanna start a trend where I'm picking against undefeated teams that are being spotted points. And this 5-0 team isn't even playing against another 5-0 team. So I got that goin' for me, which is cool...Thought I was gonna say "nice"there, didn't ya? Well I'm just full of surprises. That, and after the brilliant Caddyshack parody I heard in this past week's Family Guy, I can't even bring myself to attempt a Caddyshack line myself without feeling unworthy and outdone. Well played, Mr. MacFarlane. Well played...

Last Week: 10-4-0

Overall: 45-33-0 (.577)

Top Picks: 16-14-0 (.533)

Lock of the Week: 2-1-0


Now if I didn't know any better, I would have thought that I didn't take my own advice and made these picks based on some grandiose plan. I have Florida and Alabama steamrolling towards an eventual undefeated SEC title tilt. I have 3 ranked Big XII teams being upended by their lesser conference brethren. And of course, for reasons I've still yet to figure out myself, have Notre Dame covering the 11 points their being spotted in their annual showdown with rival USC...

But fear not, loyal followers, all these picks came completely organically. I didn't look at the "big picture", I didn't visualize any fictitious headlines, and I didn't try to imagine the story lines that could pop up based on potential outcomes. This is just me, in all my prolific handicapping glory, picking the best possible sides for you to bet on, and providing you said information in a neat and orderly fashion...

I mean, why mess around with all sorts of gimmicks and gadgets when you're ill at picking winners, right? What? Do I need to change my name to "Steely Bolt" and start giving you these things on 900 number? Nah, I don't think so. And trust me, the last thing you want to see is me in a Cowboy hat...although I bet for my commercial they would let me sit on a car surrounded by a bunch of hot chicks in bikinis and wear a gold chain with a platinum $ hanging on it. But you know what, they would probably just take all that stuff away when the shoot was over and leave me lonely and chain-less, anyway, so it's probably best for everyone that I not take that route...

Anyway, here are the picks. I may be alone and without a pimp necklace, but I still know how to pick winners, dammit!

Enjoy...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Florida (-25) vs Arkansas

(2) Alabama (-17) vs (22) South Carolina

(3) Texas (-3) vs (20) Oklahoma (Dallas, TX)

(19) Georgia Tech (+3.5) vs (4) Virginia Tech

(25) Notre Dame (+11) vs (6) USC

(7) Ohio St. (-13.5) @ Purdue

(9) Miami (-14.5) @ UCF

(11) Iowa (+3) @ Wisconsin

Colorado St. (+23.5) @ (12) TCU

(14) Penn St. (-17) vs Minnesota

Texas Tech (+11) @ (15) Nebraska

Missouri (+7) @ (16) Oklahoma St.

Colorado (+9.5) vs (17) Kansas

(18) BYU (-17.5) @ San Diego St.

(23) Houston (-17) @ Tulane

(24) Utah (-16) @ UNLV


Last Week: 11-6-0

Overall: 44-30-2 (.592)


Now go out and win some money, kids. I'll see you in the funny pages. Or maybe, perhaps, the headlines? Muuahahahahaha....

Have a good weekend...

Teddy Williams...

100...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sox, Pats Suffer From "The Sprain"...



You know that weird feeling you get? When you're watching a re-run of an old TV show, and the character you like is just about to do something really stupid that's going to get them into a lot of trouble? You know, like when Zack Morris kisses Lisa Turtle, and Screech sees it? You know it's coming, yet you hope beyond reason that maybe somehow, in this episode, they rewrote it and Zack doesn't crush the hopes and dreams of his hapless best friend. If you're me, sometimes you even turn the channel to avoid seeing it...


I mean come on, Lisa, what kind of skank are you? That nerd danced with you when you had a busted foot, for crying out loud! Sure he's tried to exploit himself in his post "Bell" life by whipping out his dong and fighting Jose Canseco, but he was there for you when you needed him! You insensitive whore! Do you truly and honestly not remember "The Sprain"? I know Casey Kasem hasn't forgotten it, and Lord knows he's got enough goin' on where he could be forgiven. The guy voiced Shaggy in Scooby Doo for crying out loud! And lemme tell you right now, under no circumstance would you see Casey, or Shaggy for that matter, making out with Zack. I don't care how big his cell phone was, or how mushy and heartfelt his request and dedication...

Freakin' Lisa Turtle. What a tramp...

Lucky for me, her indiscretion in the story I just rambled on about, relates directly to the blood bath that was this past weekend in New England sports. You could see it coming, but you just couldn't turn away. In the end, all you're left with is a lot of "what if's", a couple "what happened's", and a curly haired reject trying to peddle his johnson tape on the Intraweb...

But seriously, the situation that particular Saved By The Bell episode presented really is relevant to the fall of both the Sox and Pats. You saw it coming, yet you couldn't turn away, and it happened to someone, or in this case some thing, that you really cared about, and wanted to see succeed. You watched knowing that everything might not be OK in the end, and when the end finally came, you found yourself looking at thing's from a totally different perspective...

Well I'm here to let you know it's OK. The world hasn't ended, and reality has not been flipped on it's head. The Sox season might be over, and the Patriots in an unusual state of uncertainty, but that doesn't mean you should never turn the show back on, or assume that there's something wrong with the show just because a few of the main characters made a few less than wise decisions. Up is not down, and black is not white. It's just that sometimes friends make mistakes, and sometimes, teams lose because they were just outplayed. But hey, it's just one episode. Nothing to get your panites in a bunch over, Preppy...

Get your sprain on, and take a look at what I mean..


Patriots Update
Overall: 3-2, 2nd place in AFC East

Last Week: Denver Broncos 20 New England Patriots 17 F/OT

Like Zack, with his slick charm to match his slick blond locks, the Broncos were just smoother and more prepared than the Pats. OR in this case, "The Screech's"...

Josh McDaniels had his massive cell phone out (which he no doubt bought from Mike Tomlin), and he was dialed in to his mentor's game plan. It seemed that no matter what they tried, which isn't to say they really strayed from the norm, but whatever they tried in the 2nd half especially, the Broncos seemed to have an answer for. Not as if their scheme totally baffled the Patriots, or anything like that, but in combination with New England's inability to make fairly typical plays, it was more than enough for the win...

Some self imposed mistakes? How about Randy Moss having just one catch, for 36 yards, despite barely ever being covered by #1 corner, Champ Bailey. In reality, the reason Moss caught just as many balls from Brady as he did from Orton (that pick was pretty cool), was because Tom was unable to hit him on several key throws. Not because he was hurried, not because coverage was disguised, but simply because he wasn't able to put the ball in the right place at the right time...

I don't wanna sell the Denver scheme short, though. I did think that double teaming Moss with 2 lesser defenders and leaving Bailey to take away a lesser WR with a 1-on-1 match up was a good game plan, I just don't think it should have been enough. Ya know, considering Welker was having no problem getting open (8 catches 86 yards), and that Brady usually doesn't care who's open. Problem is, if Brady is having trouble making the throws, then the offense just isn't going to click. Sounds simple to the point of idiotic, but ouside of Indy, there isn't an offense more based on timing and rhythm than the one employed by the gang in Foxboro. If Brady isn't making the throws, then the offense just can't be effective. Period. I'm not writing off the season and calling Brady a has been, far from it, I'm just saying that until he starts making the key throws like Brady of old, this team and it's fan base will have to greatly temper their expectations. Yours truly included...

At the start of the season, I felt that the defense would ultimately be this team's Achilles heal, but that it wouldn't jump up to bite them until the play offs. Now, it seems that with the way the offense is sputtering, it's Brady and Co. that will prevent this team from winning any big games away from Gillette Stadium, and could not so much lead to their demise, but retard their potential growth and success. Yes, I love using the word "retard" when it's appropriate, and I advise you to do the same. It's rather therapeutic...

As we've watched the Jets drop 2 tough road games to New Orleans and Miami in wake of their win over the Pats, we can expect much of the same from Bill and the Boys until they get their game in gear. Not comparing the two teams, just comparing their performance and expectations. Great teams win tough road games. Good teams win at home, compete in tough road games, but ultimately only win the away games that their really "supposed" to win...

Is this what we can expect from the Patriots from here on out? As indecisive as it sounds, I still don't know. The fan in me knows what Brady can do, and has faith that he can return to his old form, but the pundit in me knows what I've seen and is very wary of the signal caller's ability to turn it around mid season. In my opinion, Brady and the Pats performance is very reminiscent of their play in 2006. A season in which they were good at 12-4, but unable to hold off the Colts in the AFC Championship game. They were good, they just weren't good enough, and if you recall, they were fortunate to even have escaped San Diego in the Divisional round...

That's what they've become. A "good" team that's going to need some breaks if they're going to make it anywhere. That is, if they aren't able to get the offense back in gear...

Tennessee, Tampa and a bye should help right the ship, but who knows what havoc that trip to London could possibly bring. All I know, is that if Brady and the Boys aren't slingin' the pill around like their capable of by week 9 against the Phins, then the following weeks @ Indy, @ NO and at home against the Jets could very well mark the beginning of a very slow, painful, and confusing end...

I have faith they can turn it around, but I have to see it before I believe it. IF I don't see it, then we can start making reservations at The Max for our post season banquet right here and now. Hopefully Slater can get time off from "The Great American Ted-Off" or his latest film shoot of "Greg Louganis II: Diving Into Hell" to emcee the event, but if he can't, I'm sure Tori will fill in just fine. Such a renegade chick, with her leather jacket and devil may care attitude. I totally get what Zack saw in her. I mean why go after Tiffany Amber Theissen when you can have Jodi Foster's surrogate, right? Makes sense to me...


Now, onto that other team from the Bean. The one that caused all this "The Hub is Burning!" mass hysteria when they decided to pull a come from ahead tank job...


Red Sox Update
The Red Sox fit the Saved By the Bell mold based mostly on the knee jerk reaction factor, and the fact that the better man got the girl...

Face it. When it comes down to brass tacks, the Sox would be "Screech" and the Pats would really just be more of a "Samuel Powers". Theirs was the game on Sunday where I really couldn't turn away, knowing that it was only a matter of moments before the inevitable doom would show itself, and my heart would be crushed into a thousand little sock shaped pieces...

But if non-plot driven TV has ever taught us anything, it's that just because we didn't like the way one show ended, doesn't mean those consequences are going to carry over into the next episode. I mean, do you recall any sort of long romance between Zack and Lisa? I sure as Hell don't. Each episode is, unto itself, it's own little universe. It's own little moment in time. Just like a baseball season, or to be more specific, just like a season ending play off series...

Sure Jonathan Papelbon may have blown the game, but does that mean he needs to be traded before Halloween? I mean, come on, people! I know we've all been wary of Papelbon's eventual dash for the cash, but just because Pap blowing the game is the last thing you'll remember from this season, doesn't mean he's the one to blame, or that he's the key to fixing the team. Listen, Jonathan Papelbon might be traded this off season, but it will have NOTHING to do with his performance. If they trade him, it will be because either he's holding out for more money, or the front office gets bowled over by a deal. Most likely a deal involving a major bat in the middle of the lineup. Seeing as that type of deal is unlikely, at least straight up, do to the lack of potential players that fit that mold and Papelbon's expiring contract, I just don't see it happening. The goal of the management is to stay as young and inexpensive as possible, while at the same time competing at the highest level. Paps is still controlled under arbitration, and is still one of the best closer's in the game. He fits their mold to a T! Why on Earth would they "want" to get rid of him?...

Like I said. Take a step back, change the channel, and come back and watch the next episode. When the plot line has been reset, and all the actors returned to "first positions", I think you'll find the cast much to your liking, and much the same as the one you've always remembered...

Essentially, the two things I'm trying to say here, are that the better team blatantly won this series, and there's no need for Red Sox Nation to be up in arms, calling for the end of the world and demanding that drastic changes be made...

In Theo we trust, right? What ever happened to that? Do you not think that Theo Epstein knows the areas in which this team needs to be improved? I think he's well aware of the holes in the lineup myself, and I feel he'll take whatever steps necessary in order to make sure this team's able to make another strong run at the World Series in 2010. I know there are questions about Bay, Pap, Ortiz, Varitek and others, but that's his job, to deal with that shit. And as far as I'm concerned, JD Drew aside, he's been doing a very good job...

And the game series itself? I'm pretty sure 15 total hits and 7 total runs tell the tale there. The Angels were just the better team. They out-piched the Red Sox, out-hit the Red Sox, and even showed that killer instinct in game 3, a situation in which they could have easily folded up shop. They were the better team, they deserved to win, and they won. Simple as that. I wanted the Sox to win as much as the next guy, and while game 3 ended in excruciating fashion, I can't say the result left me in nearly the shock and discomfort as it did most of you. Disappointing? Of course it was. But how surprising really is a 3 game sweep when you were down 0-2 and had yet to produce any legitimate offense? In a word, it wasn't. Not at all...

But hey, I'm as optimistic as the next guy, and I'm already looking forward to next season. My advice to you, is to do the same. Take your time to mourn the loss, of course, but don't let your emotions get the best of you. It's time like this where reasonable minds need to make important decisions. If you let emotions get in the way? Well that, my friends, is how you turn into the Oakland Raiders...

So calm down, kids. The season might be over, but that doesn't mean the show won't go on. Take some time to enjoy the rest of the playoffs. Turn your angst into cheering against the Yankees if you must, just don't turn away. It's the game that's great, or in this case, it's the "show"...

Trust me, when you tune in to the next episode, Screech will be chasing Lisa, and "Preppy" will be well into his next scheme on how to get Kelly back. It's the way the world works. It's just that sometimes, we get so upset that we lose focus...

Say it with me now. B-ba-B-ba-ba-ba-B GO BAYSIDE!...


And to finish up this seemingly abbreviated edition of the Nation, just a little housekeeping. I know you're all dying to hear about how my picks fared and the state of my fantasy team, and who am I to disappoint?...


My Picks
NFL
Last Week: 10-4-0 (Top Picks: 5-3-0)

Overall: 45-33-0 (.577)

Top Picks: 16-14-0 (.533)

Lock of the Week: 2-1-0

NCAA
Last Week: 11-6-0

Overall: 44-30-2 (.592)

That's 2 for 2 on the Bearded Lock the last 2 weeks, and @ 10-4 this week, I've turned into a regular picking machine. Fact of the matter is, I win, and I win frequently. If you're still not up on that, I advise you get with the program. I can be found in the Table of Contents under "bank", as in "money in the"...

Shorty what's ya drank...

Especially this shorty. I'd buy her whatever her heart desired. Even if she was evil on 90210 for a while. That just made her even more desirable. Naughty girl. Her suspenders are about to burst and she don't care who's lookin'! Oh!...


Fantasy Update
Overall: 1-4-0, 12th place overall

Last Week: Thanks Ted 41 Team FraudfulsReturn 62

Next Week vs Chone Saggio (3-2-0)

12th in the standings, 5th in points, and I'm now getting heat on the message board for constantly bringing that up. Ha! Hey, what can I say? It is my league, after all...

No excuses this week, though, as my team hit the bye week blues minus Rodgers and Driver, and were forced to suffer through Bobby Wade and Derek Anderson. Freaking Derek Anderson. That's another thing! I can't even get a little sympathy that I just so happened to start a guy when he had the worst game in NFL history, in the same week where my defense pulled the single greatest negative point turnaround (-45) in fantasy history! Ya know, cuz that's normal stuff, that usually happens to everybody...

Whatever. Like I said, I had pretty much assumed I was going to lose this week when I decided not to draft a legitimate backup QB, so it's not that surprising. It's just I didn't expect to lose twice with the 3rd highest point total of the week, and be sitting at 1-3 when the bye week rolled around. Just a bad year for fantasy, I guess, and as my boy Sabby pointed out as he was bitching on the message board, maybe it's just the law of averages catching up with my past success (obviously he wasn't in my baseball league). I hope so, Sab. I hope so. That means I'm in for one Hell of a finish, one where I apparently will be able to win two games in which I score the 3rd fewest points that week...

Yeah, I don't like my chances either...


Have a great week, friends. And I'll see you at The Max...

Oh and if Glorida Estefan won't sign your forehead, I won't either. But I will let you scracth my beard...

Me gustan los Dolfines?...

Teddy Williams...

100...

Friday, October 09, 2009

NFL Week 5 Picks: McHoodie + The Mile High Showdown



Gotta admit I'm a little deflated and slightly tired after the Sox 5-0 loss last night to open up the playoffs, but a true blogger knows how to persevere...

OK, so maybe that's just a bunch of BS. Maybe it's just an excuse as to why this week's picks are going to be so brief, I don't know, I'm not a mind reader. But I figured I'd take a shot and hope that maybe you'd feel sorry for me. Ya know, having to stay up so late just to watch my team lose, and then waking up at the crack of dawn to make sure my picks and there and ready for your viewing enjoyment at a reasonable hour. Sure is pretty swell of me, wouldn't you say? I mean, if I weren't me I know I would feel sorry for me..and grateful too. Matter of fact, mostly grateful. More gratefulness and less pity. Like a 90/10 split. Yeah, 90% gratefulness, and 10% pity. And come to think of it, you can just replace that 10% pity with 5% awe and 5% admiration. You know how it works. There's just soooo much gratefulness goin' on that it makes feeling pity virtually impossible, and it gets you to thinking just how cool I am to go out of my way to provide you with this valuable and economically fruitful service...

But please, please. Hold your applause to the end. Or at least until the point where I break down and make a joke about Serena's man features or speculate as to what the "CB" stands for in the name of last night's first base umpire, CB Bucknor. Then feel free to applaud. But for now, you need to but laughing on the back burner, and turn your attention to focusing on all of this week's delicious picks. Times are tough, and every dollar counts. So get yours this weekend, so have plenty of money to shower on me once you realize just how grateful you are to have me at your disposal...

Oh and it's "Cock Blower". We were looking for "Cock" and "Blower". Yeah, I thought it was "Cookie Biscuit" at first too...

We would have also accepted "Call Blower", but that's not nearly as funny, so you wouldn't have received full credit. Still, not a bad guess...

Get some...

Week 5 Picks



New England Patriots (-3) @ Denver Broncos

It took about 4 years for people in New England to realize his name ended in an "s", but just 4 weeks for him to turn around a franchise that many had shackled with the Raiders to the boiler in the basement of the AFC West...

Unfortunately, for Josh McDaniels and the upstart Broncos, the buck stops here. And I could make a comment about Broncos and "bucking", and how that works on so many complex literary levels, but I'm just going to ignore that pun and gracefully move on...

What this game should come down to, is again the Patriots ability to stop the big play, and control the tempo. Oddly enough, that's exactly what McDaniels will be trying to do, too. With a dominant o-line, a dominant d-line, and game manager Kyle Orton calling the shots, McDaniels is getting wins the same way the Patriots did when Brady first took over...

That's why I like the Pats in this one, and feel fairly confident laying the 3 points, even on the road. Denver has played a little above their heads in their first 4 games, and their biggest win is against an imploding Dallas team at the friendly confines of Mile High. I don't want to discount them, or call them frauds, I just don't think that their first 4 games proved that they're capable of hanging with the Pats, who've proven their mettle with wins over Atlanta and Baltimore...

I picked the Broncos to win 5 games before the season started, and so far they've proven me they're better than I thought. But this week, the tail won't wag the dog, and the mentor will prove once again, that even if he likes his apprentice, and even if this apprentice is more prepared than others that left before him, it's all business on the field. And when you've taught the opposing coach virtually everything he knows, and you have superior talent at key offensive positions, that should cause business to boom...whether Laurence Maroney is effective or not...

New England 24 Denver 20. A close cover, but a cover nonetheless...


Minnesota Vikings (-10) @ St. Louis Rams

Lock it up, kids. It's the "Put It On the Beard" Lock of the Week. I now that's not really what it's called, but my original name is just too long for me to consistently type out. Especially since I'm short on time...

As for the match up, while I'm fully behind my "pick against the Rams" strategy, this 10 point line looks a little shady to me. I know it's a road game and the Vikings are coming off of a short week and an emotional game on Monday Night, but to just be favored by 10 against a team that averages 6 points a game and is coming off of a shutout just doesn't seem kosher to me...

Oh well. My instincts are telling me not to over think this one, so I'll just go against a few often telling trends, and stick with my original strategy. That's kinda like triple reverse trusting my instincts anyway, right? So it's all pretty much the same in the end...

PS - If Minnesota covers, and Brett Favre gets hurt, I'm counting that as 2-0. Just to give you the heads up...


New York Giants (-15) vs Oakland Raiders

3 straight weeks, and 3 straight road covers for the G-Men. So why should this week be any different? Healthy Eli or not, I don't think it's really gonna make a difference. Besides, healthy or not, you think it's really gonna matter. I mean it is the Raiders we're talking about here...


Cleveland Browns (+6) @ Buffalo Bills

Derek Anderson is my fantasy QB this week. Just thought I'd give you fair warning...

And now that LeBron has kicked Braylon Edwards out of Cleveland, I like the Browns' chances to thrive. LeBron helping the LeBrowns by having his buddy get in a fist fight with the team's #1 wideout?...WITNESS!


San Fransisco 49ers (-2.5) vs Atlanta Falcons

I know the Falcons are coming off their bye week, and the Niners are probably due for a downer after their most impressive win under Mike Singeltary, but I'm gonna go ahead and pencil them in for the big home W. They're not world beaters, and even with Crabtree their offensive probably still isn't quite there yet, but I'll take my chances with the skinny line at home against a team that I feel is at best just as good as their opponent...


Pittsburgh Steelers (-10) @ Detroit Lions

It's not quite "pick against the Rams", but with Daunte Culpepper taking the reigns this week in MoTown, and the Lions fresh off their stinker against the Bears, it may be time again to assume that the Lions will most likely lose each and every week. Not that Stafford was some sort of difference maker, or anything, it's just this team still isn't all that good. Getting a win was nice, but one win does not a reliable underdog make. They pull this off, maybe I get back on board. Until then, they're losers. Which is appropriate, because they represent possibly the biggest shithole of a city this country has to offer...

You can't spell Detroit without T-E-D, friends. It's true, and you know it's true. And you know it's meaningful too...


Kansas City Chiefs (+8) vs Dallas Cowboys

One of the coolest things about working with Andy Gresh and Scott Zolak during my days at 790 The Score in Providence, was their weekly "Locks and Shocks" segment every Friday at the end of their show. Complete with the Tracy Morgan "Wanna Wanna Wahhhh" sounder, the segment featured picks by the hosts of favorites that were sure to cover, and underdogs that were sure to win outright. A tough task, especially the second part, but that's undoubtedly what made it so interesting and so much fun. Ahhh, those were some good times, lemme tell ya...

But enough of memory lane. The reason I brought that up was obviously because I feel the Chiefs are headed for an outright win this week as an 8 point underdog. As I've mentioned several times this year, I feel the Cowboys are headed for a world class implosion, and what better way to start that implosion than with back to back losses heading into their week 6 bye...

Giving Jerry Jones 2 weeks to think about how his team just dropped 2 straight, and one to a team that was 0-4? That's a recipe for disaster, right there. That is, of course, if you're a Dallas fan. For the rest of us, it's just going to be really funny...

And I for one can't wait until Tony Romo makes a crack about Wade Phillips' gullet. Right in time for Thanksgiving, too! Ohhhh, I love the holidays!...

Here's the rest of the slate. The Panthers almost made it into the Top Picks this week, but the rest of 'em are just 6 of one and pick 'em. Then again, a shootout at the University Of Phoenix could be a good bet too. I for one can't wait until one of the players says "University of Phoenix" when they're introduced on MNF. Sure would be a lot funnier than when they say all their high schools. That's just getting played out...

Somebody grow a sack and say NETTTS, ITT Tech or the Karen Gibbs Modeling School already! I would be totally grateful...

Carolina Panthers (-2) vs Washington Redskins

Philadelphia Eagles (-15) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Baltimore Ravens (-8.5) vs Cincinnati Bengals

Houston Texans @ Arizona Cardinals OVER 49

Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) @ Tennessee Titans

Seattle Seahawks (pick) vs Jacksonville Jaguars


Monday Night
Miami Dolphins (+3.5) vs New York Jets

I'd be remiss if I didn't take this time to thank my good friend, and nappy associate, Jared Hutter, for offering to take me to the Jets/Dolphins game at the Meadowlands while I'm in NYC for the Patriots' bye week. So, thanks, friend. I'm sure we'll have a great time...

That being the case, I'm gonna try to get all my Jet hatred out of the way right here and now. Ya know, to be respectful. If I don't do it now, Lord knows the embarrassing drunken things I could end up saying at the game, and the repercussions that would more than likely follow. I don't wanna give you a disturbing mental image or anything, but I'm pretty sure it would involve a fireman's hat being lodged in a less than pleasant body cavity...

So take the Phins, this week. I know they have QB issues and the Jets have a great defense, but I like the chances the Wild Cat has of succeeding in Prime Time. Ya know, just back to the theory that big things happen in Prime Time. I guess that could mean the Jets force a bunch of Wild Cat turnovers, but I'm gonna chose to ignore that possibility and forge ahead with the home team and the points...

Oh, and Jared. I'm gonna need that Mo Lewis jersey to wear to the game that weekend. I figure it's the closest thing to a Patriots shirt I can wear without getting spat on. And besides, we owe that guy so much...

Thanks, Jared. And Thanks to you too, Mo. You're way cooler than that other Mo that used to be in town. Oh and just a heads up. It's probably not a a great idea to get in the car wash business. Ya know, just in case you were looking into it...


Last Week: 8-7-0 (Top Picks: 4-4-0)

Overall: 35-29-0 (.547)

Top Picks: 11-11-0 (.500)

Lock of the Week: 1-1-0


You know what's a good feeling? I'm walking out of Cumby's the other day, and a guy that's entering opens the door for me so I can walk out. He eliminated the "do I open it? is he gonna open it?" confusion that can often happen in those situations, and for that I am grateful...

So as a sign of my gratefulness, I did the one thing I now how to do in those situations. I saw he was proudly wearing a rather fresh looking Wisconsin Badgers hooded sweatshirt, so after thanking him for holding open the door, I said "Thanks man, and hey, make sure you beat Ohio St. this weekend". Sure enough, I knew I'd judged him correctly, as both polite and a man who wouldn't wear a team logo hoodie without accepting the responsibility that comes along with it, when he replied "I don't know, man. We're nearly 3 score underdogs, it's gonna be tough. But thanks. Go Badgers!"...

A man wearing a team themed shirt, and actually knowing something about the team. It brings a tear to my eye. This week's picks, hooded stranger, mysterious visitor from the North. These picks, are for you. You bring a tear to my eye, sir. And it's moments like that which make living in this harsh world of $4 college sweatshirt bins at Bobs and Modells, just a little easier to stomach...

I salute you, good sir. And Go Badgers!...


NCAA Top 25 Picks
(4) LSU (+7.5) vs (1) Florida

(2) Texas (-32) vs Colorado

(3) Alabama (-6) @ (20) Mississippi

(5) Virginia Tech (-13.5) vs Boston College

Wisconsin (+16.5) @ (9) Ohio St.

(10) TCU (-10) @ Air Force

(11) Miami OVER Florida A&M

(12) Iowa (-7.5) vs Michigan

(13) Oregon OVER UCLA

(14) Penn St. OVER Eastern Illinois

(15) Oklahoma St. OVER Texas A&M

(16) Kansas (-19.5) vs Iowa St.

Arkansas (+3) vs (17) Auburn

(18) BYU (-16.5) @ UNLV

(19) Oklahoma (-25) vs Baylor

(22) Georgia Tech (+3) @ Florida St.

(25) South Carolina (-9.5) vs Kentucky


Last Week: 8-8-1

Overall: 33-24-2 (.576)


I leave you for the weekend with a few final thoughts. A bonus, if you will, so feel free to continue with the gratefulness. Oh, and if you're still saving your applause, this would be a good time to use it...


Game 1 for the Sox wasn't pretty, but a 5-0 loss on the road shouldn't be the end of the world. Granted it's never good to start a series off getting out pitched, outhit and shafted by the umps, but it's by no means a cause for immediate concern. A win in game 2, and the momentum is right back with Boston. Worst case scenario, they head back to Boston down 0-2, and even THAT isn't the end of the world. It's not as pertinent in a 5 game series, but the saying "a series doesn't start til someone wins on the road" still holds some water, especially considering the Sox comeback history and their ability to dominate LA @ Fenway Park...

Hey, game 1 was just a case of a big pitcher stepping up, and a big player (Hunter) making a great play. Game 2, well excuse the pun, but it's a whole new ballgame. And to use one final cliche, "you're only as good as your next day's starting pitcher", and inconsistent or not, I like Boston's chances with Josh Beckett on the hill...

Believe me, this wasn't part of the plan, and this was far from an ideal start. But by no means is it time to panic. Panic time will come when Torii Hunter hits a seed at Fenway that goes "wicked fahhh and almost broke that Citgo sign, kid"...


And finally, how can FX have such good shows as Nip/Tuck, It's Always Sunny, Rescue Me and allegedly, Sons of Anarchy, yet still think it's a good idea to produce a show about a fantasy football league? That just sounds idiotic, doesn't it? And dear God, if I feel that way about it, as someone who eats and sleeps fantasy football, who the Hell is this show supposed to appeal to? And what about the other 35 weeks out of the year that aren't during the football season? What the Hell, man? How's that supposed to freakin' work?

Whatever, me even taking time out to talk about this is just a huge waste of every one's time, so I'm just gonna go ahead and stop. What I will say, is that if you haven't seen this week's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you really need to check it out. Let's just say Danny Devito gets a handjob under the table from his non-blood niece, who's name is "The Snail", and "the gang" spends the entire episode drinking wine out of soda cans. Now that's good TV, people...



And that's it, dudes, so go out and enjoy your weekend. Oh, and if you happen to have the opportunity to try one of the new Sam Adams Coastal Wheat, do it. They're smooth and delicious. And I'm pretty sure that foregin voice-over guy just said the same thing. Always un choice excellente?...

Have a good one!

Teddy Williams...

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