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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Fool Me Twice, And I'll Steal Your Fake Leg...



The following is a public service announcement...and then a my usual smattering of observations and whatnot...mostly whatnot...

As I sit here on my work computer, on the production side of the AM 790 studio, waiting through yet another New York Yankee rain delay, there's one phrase dominating my thought process. That line, is simply, "Always trust your instincts". And I'm talking in life, not just in sports. Sure it's important to trust your instincts when it comes to picking games, but obviously it's even more important when it comes to dealing with work, and dealing with people. If something seems right OR wrong right off the bat, that's because it probably is. Talking yourself into or out of things can usually only lead to trouble...

Sound introspective? Well it is. On the eve of being accosted by someone who owes me money for fantasy baseball and following the abysmal failure of my inaugural "Lock of the Week", I can't help but feel that I have to do a better job of trusting my own thought process. This doesn't mean I'm going to spend the whole post this week getting all deep and deconstructing my own heart and mind, I just felt it necessary to pass that pearl of wisdom along to all my faithful readers. The older we get, the greater the consequences that come with every decision we make, and if you waiver over those decisions, chances are you're going to end up making the wrong one. I know I did, and you know I'm not talking about picking the Texans and taking the points...

So trust your instincts, boys and girls. Unless of course you've come to the realization that your instincts suck, in which case feel free to consult that angel over your left shoulder. His name is Rooch, he always knows what to do, and all he asks in return for his invaluable service is a few cold filtered adult beverages, and a clean, dandruff free shoulder on which he can execute his craft. He's a simple man, a reasonable man, a bearded man. You just don't wanna push him. He may not be much to deal with physically, but with intimate knowledge of your inner ear, and access to explosives, I'd advise against ticking him off. Just be thankful he's there, and again, feel free to buy him a drink. Nothing like a few stiff shots to help clear the mind and encourage the mouth. And yes, I'm aware of how many levels that works on...

But enough of that. Just because I made a mistake that could end up costing me $100 (yeah, right), doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to enjoy my playful jabs at this past weekend's events. Chances are that by reading this, you're making a mistake that's costing your employer close to $100, anyway, so I figure we're all in the same boat. And oh my, what a glorious vessel she is. I shall call her, the USS Teddy Williams...

That being the case, all aboard, pimps. It's time to set sail. IF you need to barf, Teddy Kennedy bags are available at every service desk. Just tell the attendant "Slang me a Teddy", they'll know what you mean...

What? Too soon? Well either way. All aboard!!


Patriots Update
Overall: 2-1
Last Week: New England Patriots 26 Atlanta Falcons 10

Next week vs Baltimore Ravens (3-0)

At the risk of sounding ungrateful and pessimistic, it would make a lot more sense to me if the Patriots were 0-3. They're not, which is great of course, but after this week's 16 point win over the up and coming Falcons, I'm left wonderin' how exactly it is that this team keeps winning games...

Could it be I'm spoiled? That I still view the Patriots as they were in their record breaking season of 2007? Maybe a little bit. But I'd like to think I'm a more astute observer than that. I mean, just because Tom isn't throwing for 400 yards and they aren't jumping out to huge leads doesn't mean they aren't effective. How's the saying go? There's a million different ways for Mike Vick to kill a dog....no, wait....there's a reasons for TO to.....nah, that's not it either. But you know what I mean, just because they aren't lighting up the scoreboard, doesn't mean they aren't playing "winning" football. And I get that...

Problem is, even though I see the Patriots sitting there with a 2-1 record, and I saw them soundly beat Atlanta by 16, I still have no real grasp on what they're doing that's been so effective...

Tom Brady's been OK, but with just 3 TDs and a rating below 80 he's hardly been the driving force he once was...

The rushing attack has been good, but they really only utilized it against the Falcons, who are just atrocious against the run...

And the defense is giving up a very respectable 16.7 points per game, but with no interceptions, only 6 sacks, and 3 gifted fumbles, it's hard to see how they're doing it either...

Could it be, that due to their limitations on both offense and defense, that the Pats are falling back into their "Bend But Don't Break", clock control mentality? Is Belichick purposely going more conservative on offense in order to keep his defense off the field, or is the time of possession advantage merely a reflection of the sputtering passing attack?..

It's a real head scratcher. On one hand, I wanna give the Hooded Menace credit for the more conservative attack that's seen a long completion of just 36 yards, but on the other hand, I still see a passing game that's averaging more than 50 attempts per game. I wanna give them credit for their great red zone defense and their ability to force 3 and outs, but I also think that's been a product of playing less than explosive offenses. Perfect example. Did they take Tony Gonzalez out of the game with a good scheme and good coverage, or was Matty Ryan just doing a poor job of getting him the ball? It's not like we saw Gonzalez getting bumped around or Ryan being constantly pressured, right? So why weren't they able to connect? And then there's the o-line. They seemed to keep the pressure off of Brady, but was it that, or the fact that the Falcons regularly rushed only their 4 down lineman?..

It's just one of those things, I guess, just finding a way to win. And lemme tell you, it's sketchily similar to the way the Patriots used to win games at the start of their dynasty...

So could that be it? Could this new conservative approach be a throwback to the old style of play? Or was it just a one week quick fix to compensate for all the offensive injuries? I know Belichick is famous for his one game at a time approach, but at some point this team is gonna need to have an identity, won't it? I'm all for winning games and whatnot, but I won't be comfortable with how this team's going to fair this year until I see some kind of consistency. Call my cynical, but "smoke and mirrors" isn't exactly a strategy I'd feel very good about heading into the playoffs. The talent should still be there for the Pats to again establish themselves as an elite offense, I just want to finally see it in action before I start counting my chickens...

This week's game against the Ravens should be a great litmus test. Against a great rush defense, will the Pats continue to try and run the ball, or will they fall back on old habits and try to throw it up and over the vaunted Baltimore D? Whatever they choose, their degree of success will go a long way towards telling us what we can expect from here on out. Hence, litmus test...

I'll have a more detailed breakdown of the game on Friday, so check back for more in depth analysis, and of course, my pick...

Now onto some non Patriot news, complete with winners that were losers, Halloween costume ideas and an interesting way to deal with defeat...

Tackle Box



With trusting your instincts the theme of the day, I would have again been wise to take my own advice when compiling my pre season predictions. While I've hit home runs with the demise of Tennessee, the rise of the Ravens, I'm almost more upset at the fact that I didn't have the stones to go out on a limb and predict success for the Broncos and Bengals...

Why didn't I do it? Why didn't I pick those hapless losers to get out to fast starts? Because it would have meant picking them only because it went against everything I believed to be true. But wait a minute. Should I go against my instincts if it's my instincts are telling me to do it? Dammit! See, now I've gone and confused myself. It's likely the same thing that happened when I allowed the aforementioned degenerate Ted into my fantasy baseball league...

Moral of the story: When your instincts tell you to go against your instincts, don't listen to them. At that point you need to cloud your brain with booze, weed, or prescription pills. It's really the only thing you can do, and trust me, it's much more effective than you would think...

Besides, you don't wanna be rooting for the Bengals, anyway. Freakin' Cincinatti. Who do they think they are fooling everyone into thinking there's a double "n" somewhere in their name? The Ill Natty, my ass. More like Tedville, USA...


The New York Jets are a Le'Ron McClain and a funky midfield logo away from being the 2008 Baltimore Ravens. The got Rex Ryan, and with him the bold defensive schemes and talented play makers. They have a rookie QB, who's doing "just enough", but most importantly he's making great decisions. And of course they have the 1-2 part of the Ravens 1-2-3 rushing attack in Thomas Jones and Leon Washington...

So like I said, throw in Le'Ron McClain, and there you have it...

It's kinda creepy, actually, and I think I'd be able to more appreciate the creepiness if the Jets weren't a division rival who's already beaten the Pats this year. Then again, I can also picture a Detroit Lion-esque Halloween debacle where after losing their 3rd straight, Matty "Sanchize" goes all Scott Mitchell on us and does his best Rex Ryan impression while half in the bag. He is from Hollywood, after all, and we know all those cream puffs really just wanna be actors. Besides, how else is he gonna get the role of Kristin's new love interest on The Hills if he doesn't show the studio execs his range on LIVE TV?..

OK that's a bit of a stretch, even for me, but my instincts told me it would still be funny, so I went with it. That, and I just love saying the name of ex Detroit head coach, Wayne Fontes (pronounced FONTZ). He's the one Mitchell was impersonating. Something about that name though. Wayne Fontes. I think it's mostly due to the fact that he looks like his name. Doesn't he? Somethin' about that grumpy little dough ball with that round little face just scream Fontz, doesn't it? And you know he used to stand in the mirror and call himself "Fontz-y" while shooting fake finger guns and saying "Ayyyyy", too. Hell, if he's alive, I bet he probably still does...Ayyyyyyy...

Fontes. It's a funny name. Now all he needs is a funny hat, and he'll be all set...


Sticking with Detroit for a moment, I wanna give props to the Lions for finally grabbing a win this weekend. It's weird, too, because I've always disliked the Lions. Even when they had Barry Sanders I wasn't a fan. Maybe it was that their awful performance every Thanksgiving always made me feel nauseous, and it's a Pavlov type thing. Right? That could happen. Like on The Office when Jim trained Dwight to ask for an Altoid? Maybe when I see the Lions play, I immediately am drawn to thoughts of unprocessed bird and potatoes slowly mixing with bile and making their way up my esophagus. Gross, but it's probably true...

Detroit: It's still Canada's Asshole, but at least Matt Millen's nowhere in sight....And their uniforms are pretty cool, too...


Anti-congrats, on the other hand, to Brett Favre. Someone I used to really like, and now have grown to loathe. His uniform has also changed, but unfortunately for him, that hasn't really been a good thing. Obviously his latest revival in Minnesota has been a smashing success so far, up to and including his last second game winning toss on Sunday, but at this point he's made himself public enemy #1 to everyone not wearing purple. And we all want him dead...

I'd like to see nothing more this weekend than for the Packers to storm through Minnesota, and go LT v Theisman on one of those Wrangler wrapped legs of his. A little brutal, perhaps, but we all know the only way that guy's leaving the game is on a stretcher, so I figure it's really a win win for everyone involved. That, and Favre will be able to renew his love affair with his other mistress. Sweet, sweet painkillers. Teacher, mother, secret lover. Mmmmmmm...


IF your a Kansas City Chiefs fan, and you're feeling down about your team's start to the season, just take a page out of Rasheed Wallace's playbook, and cheer yourself up by wearing a dead man's clothes, and playing catch with a prosthetic leg. Check it out, via the Kansas City Star...

Picture this: NBA player Rasheed Wallace, a Derrick Thomas jersey and a prosthetic leg. That was the scene in the lobby Sunday afternoon at Lincoln Financial Field. Wallace, wearing a No. 58 Chiefs jersey, tossed a man's prosthetic leg back and forth. Odd. But at least it distracted Wallace from the loss, particularly considering the unlikely Chiefs fan has been following the team for 15 years. "That's been my team since 1994," Wallace said, "when we got Joe." The Chiefs actually traded for quarterback Joe Montana a year earlier than that, and reached the AFC championship game after the 1993 season.

Yeah, you can't make that shit up. I mean, you could, it's just a lot funnier when it happens for real, and happens to a guy with a huge chunk of hair inexplicably missing from the back of his dome. Maybe not as funny as Lamar Odom marrying Kim Kardashian's older brother, but that's not funny, that's just gross. And Lord knows the last thing I wanna see is those 2 playing "hide the fake leg"...

Great. I just made myself throw up. Perfect. Just perfect...And when did I apparently eat a raisin? Weird...



And is it me, or is Jake Delhomme another pick 6 away from going postal? Either that or he might just break down and cry on the field, I'm not sure which. Guy throws a pick, and the next second he's half spazzing like a kid at the checkout line who was just denied his request for a bag of peanut M&Ms. I don't know whether to chew him out for being a cry baby, or to shove sugar packets in his mouth to prevent him from doing into Diabetic shock. Jesus, Jake. Get a grip. You high strung, soon to be second string nut job...


My Picks
NFL
Last Week: 10-7-0 (Top Picks: 5-3-0)

Overall: 27-22-0 (.551)

Top Picks: 7-7-0 (.500)


NCAA
Last Week: 14-7-1

Overall: 25-16-1 (.607)

Astute observers will notice two things about this weekend's results:

1) I'm better at picking college football games than anyone you know...

2) I picked 17 NFL games this week...

The 17th game was the combined spread and OVER/UNDER in the Chicago/Seattle game, in which I was robbed in the final minutes, and yes, I am absolutely unconcious when it comes to picking college games. So good for you. You're paying attention...

Oh, and in typical Rooch form, I went 8-1-0 in the first 9 games, with my only loss being my "And You Can Put It On The Bearrrrrrd...YES!", lock of the week. I swear, that type of thing could only happen to me. And it would have never happened, had I gone with my instincts, and picked the Green Bay Packers. Maybe if Aaron Rodgers would actually man up and grow a freaking beard, it wouldn't have been so hard of a decision!..

Grow a beard, dammit! My fantasy season depends on it!..

Speaking of which...


Fantasy Update
Overall:
1-2-0, 8th place
Last Week: Thanks Ted 71 Denzel 40

Next week vs Steve Lattimer (3-0-0, 1st place)

Going 0-3 would have been a complete disaster, and I'm not sure how I would have handled it. Thanks to Frosco, and his Cleveland Brown like effort, I won't even have to imagine it. Also, if I were Frosco, and I was sitting at a fraudulent 2-1 after a week 3 beatdown, I'd change my team name to Samuel L. You know, in keeping with the tradition of changing our name to the complete inverse of what it was before. Freaking Sco. I know he's probably embarassed and ashamed as it is, but I just wanna make sure he knows how utterly dispicable his team really is. Now he knows...

As for this week, I got a litmus test of my own when I take on last year's champ and this year's overall leader, Aaron Danho. He's a tough cookie, that Danho, but I think this week I'll have just the cure for the pain he's going to attempt to dish out. Besides which, I'm the man, and I freaking deserve it!..

So Aaron, I'd like to apologize in advance. This week, your kids go hungry...


And there you have it, kids, another edition in the books. I kept the Sox talk out of the equation, because most people I know still aren't aware that Jon Lester was hit in the leg, and Josh Beckett missed a start due to a flare up in his back. That being the case, anything I'd have to say would be how the Sox are in trouble, and how Red Sox Nation is just a bunch of Johnny-Come-Pink Hats who abandoned ship once it became more en vogue to start rooting for the Patriots again. IT's a song we've all heard me sing many times before, and while I have the voice of an angel, I'll spare you all my rehashed cynicism and just move on to something else...



I also wanted to give a quick review of a lot of the great Sunday programming that's hit the air in recent weeks, but again being a little short on time, I'll just have to give you the abridged version. Family Guy, good. So good, in fact, that I hear they're barring it in some markets. Simpsons, really good. Cleveland Show, watchable (that black Stewie is funny). American Dad, watchable, but no black Stewie. Still a big fan of that alien though. Who did eat all the pecan sandies, anyway? HAHAHA!. Bored to Death, eh. Jason Schwartzman is still a bit effeminate for my tastes. Curb, good. Can't wait til next week for the Seinfeld "reunion". Mad Men, still awesome, and we're mere months away from the Kennedy assassination! Woop woop! Entourage, still garbage, although I was a fan of that chick Vince did in the pool this week. Hey, eveyrone likes some reverse cowgirl on a pool float, don't they? Mmmmm. Reverse cowgirl on a pool float. See, this chick knows what I'm talkin' about! / Oops I just booted again...


On that note, now that you've got a pleasant image in your head to take with you for the rest of your day, I bid you good day...

Have a great week, kiddos, and remember to always trust your instincts...unless of course your instincts tell you to go against your instincts...But we already went over that, now, didn't we?..

Polanski was a perfectionist, and petafile or not, he was a perfectly professional person...

Chew your food, champ...

Teddy Williams...

100...

Friday, September 25, 2009

NFL Week 3 Picks: And You Can Put It On The Bearrrrd...YES!



Greetings, again, good people, and welcome to the home of all things Rooch...

I was gonna start this week out with a rant about how McDonalds has balls to tell you their new Angus burger is made with "real beef", but I decided since I don't eat that shit, I'm not even gonna bother. I mean, if you wanna keep shoveling down those MSG coated cat patties, that's your business, and I'll leave you to it...

My business is picking games and making snide remarks, so I'll just stick to that, and give you what you came here for...

Enjoy...

Week 3 Picks

New England Patriots (-3.5) vs Atlanta Falcons

Any way you slice it, this is a statement game...

If the Pats lose, they're 1-2, and the virtual Camelot created around Foxborough will come crumbling down faster than a Drake's coffee cake in the lockjaw ward at a mental hospital...

Should Atlanta win, well, I think we all know what ESPN and friends will do with Matt Ryan and head coach Mike Smith now, don't we? Talk about flavor of the week. And not like they wouldn't deserve it or anything, it's just in this knee jerk world where NOW is always best, the former BC QB and his formerly anonymous coach will become the latest gold standard for how to turn around a franchise. I'll admit, it's not unimpressive. Only problem is, the ball washing can't begin if the Falcons don't first come away with the victory. Which I don't think they will...

If you're asking why I think the Pats are going to win, by now my reasoning should be pretty obvious. If I'm picking the Patriots to win, it's because I'm figuring Tom Brady is going to have a big day. I don't really have a lot of logic to support this school of thought, other than he's done it before, and I fully expect him to sooner or later start doing it again. I think his receivers will begin to get up to speed, and his ability to get them the ball in the right spot will, as in seasons past, cover up the deficiencies the rest of the team may possess...

And the o-line, you ask? How can he do all this precision passing if the Falcons are up in his face as the Jets were? Two reasons.

1) The return of Wes Welker: No matter how atrocious the offensive line play has been, or may continue to be, with Wes Welker back in the fold, it becomes much less of an issue. Matter of fact, with Welker back in the game, pressuring Brady could actually work to the Patriots advantage. Julian Edleman was good last week, but essentially in numbers only. Post game analysis showed that while he did make some nice catches, more often than not he was in the wrong spots. For an offense that works almost completely on timing and rhythm, that's obviously not a good thing. With Welker back in the fold, that rhythm should be much improved, allowing Brady to thrive against an Atlanta D that, while aggressive, has given up 350 yards per game through the first 2 weeks...

2) The running game: Fred Taylor is averaging 4.2 yards a carry, yet for some reason only has 17 carries. Something's gotta give. Like I chronicled in my post earlier this week, it's the threat of the running game that's important more than the actual stats. That's why it's important for New England to actually establish the running game early, and what better chance to do it than against a blitzing defense. Belichick, though apparently resistant to the run since he was handed this record breaking passing attack, should still use the blitzing Falcon D to his advantage early, and have Maroney and Taylor dancing through the Dirty Bird secondary...

Of course, if Tom Brady's still dinged up, as some insiders claim, then all this wishful thinking about the offense getting back on track may be all for naught. Luckily, I'm not one of those insiders. And that's no fan talk. I think Tom Brady, Wes Welker and Randy Moss are just too good when they're healthy to prevent this offense from single-handedly winning games...

And who knows, maybe it's the Patriot defense that makes a statement in this game. The much maligned group is 5th in the league in allowed yardage, and we'll find out if that's a product of them playing 2 suspect offenses to open up, or if they're actually better than we've all given them credit for...

I'm choosing the former, myself, but like I said, it shouldn't really matter. Look for Matty Ice and Tom Brady to sling the ball around the yard, until a late Falcon mistake gives the Pats a 7-10 point cushion...

Oh and if the Pats lose again this week, or even fail to cover, I'm putting myself on 'Pats Probation' for the next 3 weeks. That's right. If the Pats don't cover, I'm picking against them the next 3 weeks. What? I don't like betting on losers, sue me. And besides, maybe it's just my incredibly bad sports karma these days that's forcing them into mediocrity, in which case I view it was my duty to help turn the team around...

Yeah, cuz I'm wicked noble like that...

Teddy Williams...


Houston Texans (-4) vs Jacksonville Jaguars

Ladies and Gentleman, if you please, I'd like to call your attention to the debut of the RoochNation "You Can Put It On The Bearrrrrrd....YES!" Lock Of The Week. I borrowed the name from infamous Chicago White Sox announcer, Ken "Hawk" Harrelson's home run call (you can hear him in the video, and see him in all his Elvis-like glory at the top of the post), and combined it with the fact that I am well on my way to having a full and lustrous beard. A combination that ranks right up there with Peanut Butter and Fluff, but slightly behind Jack Daniels and Coca Cola. Mmmmm that's a tasty adult beverage right there...

As for the game, and why I picked it, it's a simple case of the haves and the have nots. The Texans have an effective offense and home field advantage, while the Jaguars don't have anything that even remotely resembles a good football team...

It pains me to say that too, because I've been a big fan of Jags head coach, Jack Del Rio, for quite some time. I'm just afraid after this week 3 loss even he might find himself squarely on the hot seat, something once thought uminagineable to both Jags fans and football insiders alike. His once proud defense is giving up 375 yards and 23 points per game, and their anemic offense, at a shade more than 14 points a contest, is little more than Maurice Jones Drew and a bunch of crappy wideouts...

I like David Garrard and his game management skills as much as the next guy, but you have to be in a close game in order to manage it in the first place. And when drawn into a shootout with Matt Schaub and the finally potent Texan offense, leaning on Garrard and the suspect WRs is, to say the least, going to be a very risky proposition...

Lock it up, beard lovers. The Houston Texans are this week's Pick to Click...


Seattle Seahawks (+2.5) vs Chicago Bears

From the lock of the week, to having your cake and eating it to. And delicious cake, at that...

Here's the deal. If Seneca Wallace starts at QB for the Seahawks, then my pick stands. IF Matty Hasselbeck gets the nod, I'm taking the Bears. Weird logic, I know, seeing as I've never respected Wallace as a QB, but I've a got a 'forrest through the trees' school of thought that could see the Seahawks grab a much needed home win. This year, Hasselbeck has a new toy in veteran WR TJ Houshmanzedah, but has yet to really utilize him. With Wallace at the helm, look for him to look to open the offense up, and use the big play maker to burn the Bears D for at least 1 score and in all likelihood an ass load of yards. Hasselbeck has yet to really get the ball to Housh as much as you'd expect, and it's almost as if he's trying to be too cute. Ya know, use him more as a decoy than as an actual weapon...

It's a bold call, considering the Bears have a very good defense, but it's the wild card of Wallace calling the shots that increases the chance that something unexpected might happen. In this case, I expect the "unexpected" to be the opening up of the passing game, and a shootout between Wallace and Bears QB Jay Cutler...

And ya know what, if Wallace plays I'm taking the OVER 37 too. Why not. Just ship all my eggs into the shadiest basket of all time. What the Hell...

Oh and this just in. Frosco, whom I'm playing this week in fantasy, is starting Seattle 3rd string RB, Justin Forsett against me. Based on Yahoo projections, Forsett is slated to put up a big ole GOOSE EGG, merely another piece of evidence that the Seahawks are due for an offensive explosion...

God I love being right, and oddly enough, I even love it when it's about my own demise. It's just more comforting that way...



Baltimore Ravens (-13) vs Cleveland Browns

Though they may have given up 436 yards last week to Big Philly Rivers, don't expect Brady Quinn to have nearly the same success this week against the Raven's secondary. The "other" Brady has just a 66.9 QB rating through the first 2 weeks, and with no hope of running the ball this week against the league's top ranked rush D, all the pressure is going to be on his shoulders. It was all on him last week in Denver, and how'd that work out? Lost by 21, that's how. And last time I checked, 21 is more than 13...

Toss in the fact that this is a road game, and that's just a recipe for disaster. Almost enough of a perfect recipe to make this the Lock of the Week, but there's no way I'm kicking this thing off by picking a double digit favorite that that gets upset...


New Orleans Saints @ Buffalo Bills OVER 51.5

This one's just a case of "ride 'em til he bucks ya", or for my older readers"dance with the gal that brought ya". Drew Brees has 9 TD passes so far this season, and he should be good for at least 2 more against the Bills in Buffalo. Add to that the Bills themselves are averaging close to 25 points a game, and the Saints D gives up an average of nearly 25, and I like the chances that for the 3rd straight week, I'll hit by taking the Saints and the OVER...

OH and keep an eye out for when TO gets in the endzone. Rumor has it he's planning on wearing a fake mole on his face, and ripping it off and lighting it on fire as a way to taunt Brees. Chants of "Fire in the Mole!" will be heard all throughout the stadium between choruses of that gay "Let's Go Buffalo!" song. What ever happened to "Dick Jauron Has Got It Goin' On", anyway? I always though that was a much catchier tune...


San Fransisco 49ers (+7) @ Minnesota Vikings

This is just a lot of points for a team that doesn't suck, playing a team that's quarterbacked by Brett Favre and has a dinged up Adrian Peterson. As with the Pats/Falcons, this could be a major statement game for Singletary and his Niners, and while I don't see San Fran taking it down, I do like their chances to cover the touchdown against a team that let Detroit hang around for nearly 3 full quarters....


Green Bay Packers (-6.5) @ St. Louis Rams

IF the Packers don't cover this spread, it could mean more bad news for my fantasy fortunes. So even with tackle Chad CLifton on the sidelines, and the fact they're visiting a Ram team that surrendered just 9 points last week, I'm taking the Packers in a blowout...

Hey, everyone needs good karma, right? And nobody needs more good vibes right now than Beard Rodgers and the suddenly sputtering Green Bay offense. Go get 'em, Aaron! Show us that all bearded guys aren't hippies and terrorists!..

Here's the rest of the Week 3 slate, for your viewing and gambling pleasure...

New York Jets (-2.5) vs Tennessee Titans

Philadelphia Eagles (-9.5) vs Kansas City Chiefs

New York Giants (-6.5) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Detroit Lions (+7) vs Washington Redskins

Pittsburgh Steelers (-4) @ Cincinnati Bengals

Miami Dolphins (+6) @ San Diego Chargers

Denver Broncos (-1.5) @ Oakland Raiders

Indianapolis Colts @ Arizona Cardinals UNDER 49.5



Monday Night
Carolina Panthers @ Dallas Cowboys OVER 46.5

It's a PrimeTime game with the absence of a PrimeTime defense. Through the years I've come to learn that's usually a sign that the game's gonna be a shootout. That logic has treated me well in the past, and I expect it to continue to treat me well come Monday night...


Last Week: 10-6-0 (Top Picks: 2-4-0)

Overall: 17-15-0 (.531)




If this were a crappy high school newspaper, and not a highly respected and widely followed sports blog, I might have titled this week's college picks something like "Upset Weekend" or "Miami, FSU, Continue to Live In Gator's Shadow". But like I said, this isn't some rag tag publication, it's the Nation. That rhymes, friends, and you know it rhymes. And if this were a high school paper, you wouldn't have the benefit of the gratuitous cleave shot, either...

So no title, just picks. Keep an eye out this week for a lot of close games in the top 10, and take special notice of the Indiana/Michigan game. On my trip to the future I saw bad things happening to the Wolverines this weekend, and as Dr. Emmett Brown as my witness, I'm sticking to my guns...

It's your kids, Marty! Something's gotta be done about your kids!!!...

Get some...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Florida (-21.5) @ Kentucky

UTEP (+36.5) @ Texas

Arkansas (+17.5) vs (2) Alabama

(5) Penn St. (-5) vs Iowa

Oregon (+6) vs (6) California

Mississippi St. (+13.5) vs (7) LSU

(8) Boise St. (-17) @ Bowling Green

(11) Virginia Tech (+2.5) vs (9) Miami

(12) USC (-45.5) vs Washington St.

(13) Ohio St. (-14) vs Illinois

(14) Cincinnati (-16.5) vs Fresno St.

(15) TCU (+2.5) @ Clemson

(17) Houston (-1) vs Texas Tech

South Florida (+14.5) @ (18) Florida St.

(20) Kansas (-13.5) vs Southern Miss

(21) Georgia (-11.5) vs Arizona St.

Georgia Tech (-2.5) vs (22) North Carolina

Indiana (+21.5) @ (23) Michigan

Stanford (+7) @ (24) Washington

(25) Nebraska (-27.5) vs LA Lafayette


Last Week: 11-9-0 (.550)

Overall: 11-9-0 (.550)


There you have it, kiddos. Week 3 in all it's glory. Hope you all benefit from my insight and knowledge, and line your pockets with money that will some day be used to buy yours truly a congratulatory beverage. But no chick drinks. Anything with an umbrella and your gonna have to explain to your boss why you have an exotic umbrella lodged in your septum...And it'll be your septum if you're lucky...

Now before I go off to enjoy a weekend full of football and the season premier of Family Guy, I'd like to thank everyone out there in the Nation for all the words of encouragement you've all passed on to me over the last few months. I swear I knew people were eatin' this up, and it's always glad to have your instincts proven right. So, sincerely, thanks for stopping by, and thanks for your continued support...

And hey, feel free to keep the comments coming, both positive and negative. I can take it. After all, that's why I grew the beard. It's a soft man-shield, porotecting my sensitive insides from the harsh realities the world dishes out on a daily basis. I figure, if the world can't take me down, then any one liners you through at me aren't gonna be able to put a dent in my man-shield, either...

Have a good one, folks, and I'll catch you on Tuesday...

Teddy Williams...
100...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Joe Dirt, Pats/Jets & Jay Buhner's Rocket Arm!

IF that post title doesn't getcha over here, I'm not sure what will. Free booze, maybe? Well, no time for that. Instead, thanks for stoppin' by, and let's put the potential offer of free booze behind us, and get down to business...

To begin this week's tantalizing edition of what fans have dubbed "The Nache" (pronounced as if an abbreviation for 'Nation', and not to be confused with the Nache of Islam), I'd like to turn one of my usual tricks, and borrow a line from one of my favorite films...

Dennis Miller, when playing radio jock, Zander Kelly, in Joe Dirt, began the second day of Joe's interview by giving this stellar recap of the day before...

"So the last time we talked, you were a complete loser and you were covered in crap. Did I nail all of the pertinent info?"

Well put, Zander. Well put. And while Joe may have responded with "those are your words, not mine", I'd have to agree with Zander that his description of our previous interaction was dead on. I was wrong about the Pats (kinda), my NFL picks were awful (kinda) and my fantasy team continued to stink up the joint to the tune of my second straight loss (kinda)...

OK, so maybe Zander's words don't hit so close to home. I guess the only reason I bothered to begin with that quote is because I love that movie, love that character, and was feeling a bit introspective and down on my luck when I originally sat down to start this post. That, and I had Miller on my mind when I was watching the Colts and the Phins on Monday Night Football. I thought, if I were to pick another comedian to try out the MNF booth, who would it be? And I got to thinkin', what's more likely? Jon Gruden dropping an 18th century literary reference, or Dennis Miller one day coming to resemble a small, evil doll...


Since you're no doubt wondering, I figured my comedian would be Jerry Stiller ("How could you trade Jay Buhner!? He had a rocket arm!!!"), and the answer to the 2nd question was obviously Miller becoming an evil doll. I'm sure Gruden's a smart guy 'n all, but I'm betting the last thing he read that didn't have X's & O's on it was some sort of riddle on the back of a cereal box. And come to think of it, that probably had X's & O's on it, too. Let's just say I don't think too much of his intellect on anything that's not related to football...

Geesh, not only was that metaphor a bit of a stretch, but it was a bit drawn out to boot, wasn't it. Sorry about that. But don't worry, I'm moving on...

And what better place to start this week's Nache, than with a team that played last week as if it were covered in it's own crap, the New England Patriots...


Patriots Update
Last Week:
New York Jets 16 New England Patriots 9
Overall: 1-1

Next week vs Atlanta Falcons (2-0)

Needless to say, the backlash in Pink Hat Nation from the Patriots loss to Rex Ryan and the Jets has been strong and swift...

Tom Brady doesn't look healthy.

The Defense sucks.

Bill Belichick can't draft impact players.

Where is the running game?

Why isn't Wes Welker healthy?

Typical knee jerk reaction stuff. Question is, is any of it justified? Personally, I just think people are starting to come around to my way of thinking about the Pats, while at the same time grossly overreacting to what was after all, just one game...

First, let's address the part where people are beginning to come around to my genius...

The reason, my good friends, that the defense doesn't look very good, is because it isn't very good. Plain and simple. That being said, they probably had one of the better games they're going to have all season on Sunday, and it still was only really impressive because the fact they only let up 16 points. Mark Sanchez was sacked twice, but was still able to compile a very efficient 101.1 passer rating while averaging nearly 7.5 yards per pass attempt. And those sacks? Both were when the rookie simply took too long in the pocket, not because the Patriots came up with a bunch of pressure...

The the numbers get worse. The NY WRs posted an 11.6 yards per catch average, while the run game was solid with Jones and Washington leading the way to a team total 119 yards on 29 carries. And these numbers don't even speak to the "eye test", which every spectator will tell you the Patriot D just wasn't passing. I mean, where are the big plays? In a "bend but don't break" scheme, if you don't get big plays, you might as well just concede the points. That used to be where the Patriot defenses excelled, but now their lack of turnover ability has not only diminished, but become a glaring weakness. And it's not like Seymour and Mayo were directly contributing to that facet of the game either, so I don't wanna hear it...

On offense, while Tom looked less than terrific, it's the O-line that gave up a head scratching 0 sacks in week two that still has me worried. Tom was under constant pressure from the word go, and for whatever reason, the running game, averaging more than 4 yards a carry, can't seem to ever convert on a 3rd down and short. Not good...

Even at 4 yards per carry, that still leaves you at 3rd and 2. And if you can't convert that 3rd and 2 on the ground with any consistency, then it might as well be 3rd and 6 or 7. That being the case, teams will still be able to key in on the pass, thus rendering your hard earned running on the previous 2 downs virtually insignificant. It's simple, really. If you can't really "establish" the running game, then you don't really "have" a running game. In years past the Pats would use that QB sneak in short yardage situations like that, or just ing gneneral a lot of bubble screens to supplement the run, but these days even those ole reliables working. So while the numbers tell you the Pats had a higher per carry average than the Jets, New York had a running game on Sunday, and the Patriots didn't...

But listen, the most important thing here, is that Tom Brady and the Patriots offense had a bad game. Was some of that because of the Jets great execution of their defensive game plan? Of course it was. Though it might not have been reflected in my eventual pick of the OVER in last weeks tilt, I have a lot of repsect for the Jets D and they proved this week why they are one of the best. When the season began, and I went through every game of this NFL season, I picked the Pats and Jets to split home games, with the Pats still going 12-4 and winning the East. And guess what, I'm not backing down from that. I may have waivered a bit this week, but I;m still not backing down...

And I don't wanna hear how "if I picked the Jets before the season why didn't I pick them last week" BS either. So I had a lapse in judgment, and was momentarily blinded by the half-crooked pink hat placed so stylishly on my head. Sue me. Fact is, with that strong Jet defense, it being a road game, and the Patriots still searching for a grove on offense, a win in New York would have been more gravy than anything else. Rookie QB or no rookie QB. Not to say they should have lost or weren't upset, but it's those tough road wins that separate good teams from those that are truly elite. And if the Patriots have proven anything over the first two games of the season, it's that they're definitely not one of the league's elite...

That's why this year, even when Tom and the passing game start clicking, and it will, this Patriot team won't ever be one that's considered the league's best. They'll just be another team with a great passing attack...

Oh, and before I move on, I DID NOT JUST SAY THE PATRIOTS CAN'T WIN THE SUPER BOWL. I just wanted to clarify. I said they won't be considered an elite team. That doesn't mean they can't make a sick run through the playoffs and reach and/or possibly win the Super Bowl, does it? Remember 2001? Was that team elite? That's what I thought...

Just thought I needed to set things straight, considering last week I picked the Pats 38-31 only to have 3 people come up to me and chastise me for picking against them. I love that you read my stuff, people, but make sure you are reading it before you try to shoot me down. I know Frosco's cool design, my spelling and grammar errors and the flashy photos and videos can sometime be distracting, but there's good content here too, and I just wanna make sure you're not missing out...


Now for a few notes on the rest of the league. And don't worry, I take a shot at Serena Williams later on in this column too that you're really gonna like. After all, a Rooch Nation without a shot at Serena's man parts and a reference to a VH1 reality show I created isn't really a Rooch Nation at all now, is it?...

Tackle Box


Broke and a joke?

It seems you can't go out for a delicious iced coffee these days without either hearing about an ex NFL player that's filing bankruptcy or losing a limb, or an ex NFL player that's signed on to some sort of bizarre new career venture...

Keyshawn Johnson has an interior design show? Michael Strahan is getting his own reality show? Herschel Walker, at age 47, is joining the UFC? That's not even to mention all those Hall of Famers on Dancing With the Teds!

What is this league coming to?! I miss the days where you had 3 options. Get into coaching. Get into broadcasting. OR Die a quick, painful death, induced by the alcohol and drugs you used to replace the rush of playing, or by the roids you used in order to obtain that rush. Hey, call me nostalgic, but that's the way things were, and that's the way I'm most comfortable with things continuing to be. You know like in Family Guy pilot episode, where they wonder what it would be in a world without death, where Hitler was still alive? Well imagine my horror of the eventual VH1 series "You Can Chu It!: A Chance for Under Aged HotTub Love With Mark Chmura", and you can see why I don't like where this is headed. So please, unless you're breaking down plays, starring in Intervention, or instigating tampering charges like Deion Sanders, please stay off of my television. Thanks...

Back on the actual field, only a few things really caught my eye during this week's match ups...


In an outcome I wouldn't have seen coming if you had spotted me the Gray's Sports Almanac, the Bengals were all over Aaron Rodgers and the Bengals won in Lambeau Field in what I'm quite sure was the first time in a long time. And I'm not sure what's worse. The fact that Green Bay gave up 31 points to Cincy at home, the fact they themselves only managed 24, that Aaron Rodgers spent half the game on his back, or that a dinged up Greg Jennings went without even a single reception. Dear, Lord. For someone who has a lot invested in this team in terms of fantasy, I'm hoping last week was just a blip on the radar, and a trip to St. Louis will be just what the doctor ordered. If not, I'm afraid I'm gonna have some serious explainin' to do to my buddy, Derek. In his first year of competitive fantasy football, he entrusted me with drafting his team, and so far he's not only 0-2, but smack dab in the basement. A good move on his part, by seeking my advice, but if Big Beard and friends don't turn it around soon, I'm afraid both of us are going to be wondering how my usually pristine judgement could have been so far off....

Ahhhh, whatever. Not like he promised me any of his potential winnings or anything. And besides, I just used his draft as a warm up for my draft, and I love my team! Ha!...

Just kidding, bud...OR AM I?!?!


Drew Brees continues to light it up in the Big Easy, and is now being heralded as the cover boy for "smallish quarterbacks". Allow me to stop you right there. Drew Brees is good because he is highly skilled, works extremely hard and is in a great system. Regardless of how I hated on his fantasy owners last week, the guy is primed for a huge season, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his physical attributes aren't "combine sexy". I know it's a copycat league and all, but just because a 6 foot Brees can make it work, doesn't mean we need a reprise of Doug and his Magic Flute. Sometimes things just work because it's a case of right place, right guy, right time, and much like Manning and Brady before him, Brees numbers this year are going to benefit greatly for all those complex stars being so perfectly aligned. I don't see him breaking Tom Terrific's single season TD record (50), but I think he'll be close enough for ESPN to dedicate a weekly graphic to his attempt. Just a great player, who's proven once again that if given a shot, it doesn't matter your size or your makeup, it's all about performance...


Oh, and I've yet to see a highlight from that 9-7 game between Washington and St. Louis, and I'm beginning to think that's because there weren't any. From the looks of the photo, I would say St. Louis QB, Marc Bulger, agrees with me...


Speaking of lacking highlights, last weeks picks worked out well, but my Top Picks fell flatter than an 8 year old girl's chest. Gross. Well, not as gross as my cousin's suggestion that I name my Lock of the Week the "Stick Licker's Weekly Lock". Hmmmmm. Yeah, that's not really what I was looking for there, Stevie, but thanks for the suggestion. And if I could, allow me to pass on a suggestion of my own. Just because the words "stick" and "lick" rhyme, and stick can be construed as "penis", doesn't mean that suggestion is either funny, or clever. I do appreciate the attempt and the contribution, but you're gonna have to come stronger than that next time if you're hoping to get some recognition. See what I did there? Come stronger? Even that's funnier than that you came up with, and I didn't even do that intentionally...BAM!

My Picks
Last Week:
10-6-0 (Top Picks: 2-4-0)

Overall: 17-15-0 (.531)

Now before I get to my Fantasy Update, allow me just a few more seconds for a couple quick notes...



If you missed the Mayweather/Marquez fight on Saturday, you didn't miss much. Another technically brilliant, yet incredibly boring performance from Mayweather. If you missed the post fight interview with Mayweather and Max Kellerman, however you missed quite a bit. Is it me, or was Money about 2 seconds away from muttering something anti Semitic and making fun of Kellerman's bow tie? Too funny. And also, is it me, or does Max Kellerman definitely hook up with Jeremy Schaap? I've never been one to encourage two dudes to hook up, but those two miserable pricks totally deserve each other. And imagine the morning after? Bow ties and tape recorders everywhere while they both shoot beady, yet lustful eyes at each other and cuddle togther to read Mitch Albom's column, and Tweet Sean McDonough about the previous night's rompous escapades...

At least that's what I gathered from the post fight interview. Peep the video and judge for yourself...

Oh and for all you Red Sox fans still out there, don't you fret. The only reason I haven't been writing about the Sox is that I realized about 3 weeks ago that I was the only person I knew that was still watching them play. But never fear, I'll keep you up to date on all the current goings on, from Jason Bay hittign himself into unsignability, to all the potential playoff match ups, once we get oursevles out of this "well we already have a spot locked up" holding pattern. Trust me, I'm all over it...

Now, allow me to finish up with my weekly look at my fantasy football team. Oh, and in case you're wondering, that picture is there not only because it is hysterical and I own a shirt with those very words on it, but because it also serves as the logo to my team. I've also posted the accompanying video, for full effect. And ya know, in case you just wanna laugh, and could give two shits about my fantasy squad. Either way, enjoy...and GET IN...




Fantasy Update
Last Week:
Paul Blake 94 Thanks Ted 88

Overall: 0-2-0, 11th place

At this point, I'm disappointed in myself when I can't see things like this coming. Yet another perfect fantasy storm that I couldn't have avoided had you spotted me a GPS and a sherpa...

First and foremost, I was playing my good friend, Josh Astin. And there are a few things you'll need to know about Josh and my team in order to truly appreciate my pain...

1) The past 3 seasons, Josh allowed the computer to draft his team (technically in '07 and '08 he "tried" to do it himself but his computer was the only one of the 14 league members not able to get the LIVE draft application to work. Hey, I can feel his resistence. If it ain't broke, and you think you suck, why fix it, right?

2) In week 1, after drafting his own team for the first time in 4 years, Josh posted a league low 37 points...

3) In what I convinced myself was like picking between Serena Williams and Tommy Lee to play Dirk Diggler on a Boogie Nights parody on http://www.funnyordie.com/ , I flipped a coin and decided to take the SF 49ers (vs Seattle) as opposed to the Arizona Cardinals (@ Jacksonville) as that weekend's starting defense. The 2 units are fairly equal, and seeing as Arizona has an awful track record traveling west, San Fran was at home, and they were both playing equally suspect teams, I figured when the coin came up SF I would be in pretty good shape...

Now, knowing all that, feel free to appreciate this...

Before the 1:00 games even reached halftime, Astin's team had already eclipsed the 37 points he had the week before, and the defense I didn't start had returned a blocked FG for a touchdown. I knew right then and there that not only was I gonig to lose, but it was going to end up being 100% because of that fateful coin toss. Granted I can't complain too much seeing as I was flipping the coin to begin with, but you have to admit that at this point, it's getting pretty silly as to how bad I'm running in fantasy sports...

So, did I turn out to be right? Oh, was I ever. Going in to Monday Night Football with Dallas Clark against Ricky Williams, and trailing by 22 points, I said these exact words to a coworker...

"I'm not sure on the numbers, but if I were you I'd bet on Dallas Clark on having a pretty big night. Not big enough to get me the win, but big enough for me to have won had I started my other defense."

And did he ever. Clark had such a big night, in fact, that as the Colts got the ball at the end of the game, I actually had a realistic scenario in which I could come away with the win. On the Colts final drive, Clark needed 14 yards and a touchdown, and I would have the 7 points I needed to at least secure a tie. And chances were, if he did end up grabbing the game winning TD, he would eclipse that 14 yard mark and probably even end up getting me the improbable win. Granted I know that was asking a lot, but seeing as the guy already had 6 catches for 167 and a score, I figured it wasn't that big of a stretch...

So the drive starts, and the first pass is a 16 yard gain to Clark. I was well on my way. That's when karma stepped in, and not a moment too soon...

Right as Clark was tossing the ball to the ref, and the Colts were hurrying up to the line, I hear a beep on my phone. It's Astin. The same kid who took 2.75 seasons to find the message board and who to this day still only has a vague idea as to who he's playing any given week, was texting me to tell me that Dallas Clark was probably going to single handedly beat him on this drive. No sooner had I read the text, snapped my phone shut, and muttered to myself that it was the virtual "kiss of death", and Peyton Manning had thrown the game winning TD to some French guy. My chances for MNF immortality had gone by the wayside and not only had my flip flop on defense cost me 14 points and a win, but in turn also cost me the weekly points title...

Truly devastating, yet eerily predictable...

Now the question becomes, at 0-2, can I fight my way back into the thick of things? Well, I'd certianly like to think so. I am, after all, the 5th highest scoring team after 2 weeks. Problem is, all the positive thoughts and positive signs in the world aren't going to convince me that this football season is just another in a long line of '09 Fantasy Failures. My two basketball teams lost in the finals, I had another disastrous NCAA tournament, my two baseball teams were the worst I've fielded in literally over a decade, and now I'm faced with what's shaping up to be constant "match up Hell" in this season of fantasy football....

But hey, like Joe Dirt says. "You can't have no in your heart." AND "Life's a garden, dig it. Make it work for ya"...

Well said, Joe. If a complete white trash loser like you can stay positive and eventually tap some fine southern, Brandy ass, then God Dammit I can stay positive too. And hey, I'm open to getting some of that Brandy ass of my own if that's what I got comin' to me...Ha! There it is again! You see that, Stevie? Subtle, but funny!...


That's it for this week kids, and I hope you all enjoyed. As always, check back Friday for all of this weeks picks, relevant jokes about Serena's massive ANE, and the unveiling of the Rooch Nation Lock of the Week (as yet to be appropriately named)...

Have a great week, pimps...

It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole!...

Teddy Williams...OUT!!
100...

Friday, September 18, 2009

NFL Week 2 Picks: One Time, Rogah!



Greetings and salutations, boys and girls. It's Friday, which can mean only one thing. It's time to get your pick on. But before we delve into this week's slate of NFL games, I'd like to first give props to several RoochNation contributors, who have forwarded along videos they felt would be welcomed additions to this week's post. And wouldn't you know it? I happened to think they were right on the money...

First up, we have Justin "Livin' It UPstate" Lee, who sent this along with the subject line "the decision is yours to share it with the world". Well, Justin, consider it like, umm, ummm, like....shared...




Poor kid was probably nervous, but either way, he just made Devin Hester look like a freakin' Rhodes Scholar. And that's no small ummm, like, achievement. Yezzir...

Next up, we have a video that's been rapidly making the rounds on various message boards and social networking sites, but was passed on to me by good friend, Andrea "Jewels" Pukilus. I just came up with that nickname right here and now because I thought since I gave Justin one, Andrea should get one too. Those of us that know her might find the pseudonym eerily appropriate considering her profession. And for those of you that don't know her, she's a roadie for Jewel, and that was my inspiration. Her hands are small, I know, but they aren't mine, so I can't say shit...

Her poor taste in music aside, this next clip is one of the funniest things I've seen it quite some time. If you're familiar with the show Mad Men, you might not be able to make it through the clip without crying or spewing liquid from your nose. If you're not an avid MM veiwer, then I'm sure you'll still get a kick out of the crude language and the over the top Boston accents...

Teddy Williams...





One time, Rogah!

Ahh, man. I'm tellin' ya. If you're familiar with the show, and you love it just half as much as I do, then that's probably one of the funniest parodies you've seen in your entire life. If you haven't seen it, and you still thought it was hysterical, then you can just lump yourself in with the people that laugh at jokes during Family Guy that I know for a fact you don't get...

See what I did there? Things were going on smoothly. We were all laughin' together and enjoyin' some nice viral content and BAM! I just called half of you out for being frauds and posers. It's OK, though. I'm sure in about 5 minutes you're all going to have the same opinion of me...

Let's get on with the picks...

NFL Week 2 Picks


New England Patriots @ New York Jets OVER 44.5

I can already here the pink hats chastising me now. Calling me a fraud or a poser, saying my New York City friends have finally converted me. Hell, it's bad enough I have to explain why it's "OK" for me to attempt to carve out a living producing Yankee games on the radio, never mind trying to explain why I didn't pick the Pats over the Jets...

But hey, when it comes to giving advice on games and spreads, there's a part of my brain that just can't ignore facts and logic. It's at the same time what makes it "devilishly hard" (as my mom would say) to watch a game with me, and what makes it extremely beneficial to have access to my knowledge and insight...

This week, those "facts", if you will, are that the Patriots just aren't that much better than the Jets right now. On offense the Pats still hold a distinct advantage over New York and their rookie QB, but other than that, it's pretty much all Mean Green. Which I guess is just to say they have a far superior defense and special teams. That doesn't mean they're the better team, per say, it just speaks more to the fact that I can't trust the New England defense further than I could throw them...

So, with that knowledge in hand, I figure why not pick the over? I have confidence the Patriot offense will still be able to score, and I'm just as confident that, especially in the Tedowlands, the the Patriots defense won't be able to stop the New York offense. I know in the past people would always expect Bill Belichick to confuse rookie QBs with his different looks on defense, but I just don't think this group has it in them. I'd love to be proven wrong, but until that happens, I'll be taking the OVER in nearly every Pats game from here on out...

Oh and for the record, it's statements like the ones made by Kerry Rhodes and Rex Ryan himself that display why guys like Ryan will never be great coaches in this league. I mean, seriously. Giving the Patriots, or any veteran team like that, bulletin board material? I just don't see how that's ever going to do your team any favors. Then again, I'm also not a dead ringer for a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, so what the Hell do I know...

Pats 38 Jets 31. There, just so I don't get accused of picking the Pats to lose this week....


Green Bay Packers (-9) vs Cincinnati Bengals

I'm not sure if you saw the week 1 games, but in case you didn't, allow me to fill you in...

The Bengals are still awful, and the Packers are one of the NFC's best up and coming teams...

Oh, and the game is being played @ Lambeau Field...

Makes you wonder why the spread is only 9, doesn't it? Hmmmm. Well shady Vegas line aside, I'm making this game what a cornier site would call their "Lock of the Week". I'm still deciding on which funny moniker I'm going to give to my "Lock of the Week", and as of right now I'm still open to suggestions. So far "The Ted Pipe Lock" is the leader in the clubhouse, but after stellar video submissions like the ones above, I'm sure my loyal and creative fan base will be able to come up with something much better. So get at it...


Detroit Lions (+10) vs Minnesota Vikings

Remember what I said earlier about knowledge and insight? Well, even the best of us have our moments. In this NFC North match up, it's pretty simple. I'm not picking the Lions, I'm picking against Brett Favre. Nothing would please me more to see Favre and the Vikes drop their first game of the season to the only team ever able to run the table in reverse. Granted Adrian Peterson will probably run roughshod over the hapless Lions, rendering Favre irrelevant, but should the Lions find a way to pull this one out, I'll be damned if I'm gonna be on the outside looking in...


Arizona Cardinals (+3) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Not that this is a make or break game for the Cardinals' season, it being a road game and just the second game of the year, but after their week 1 performance against division rival San Fran, look for Warner and the boys to be out for blood this week against the Jags. Jacksonville showed some heart last week in losing by just 2 to the Colts, but it's still to early for me to back off my pre season prediction that Jacksonville was going to go 5-11, and finish in the basement of the AFC North...

Look for Warner to finally get in a grove with his bevy of talented receivers and take the Del Rio's Jags out of their "run first" comfort zone. Forcing Garrard and CO. to pass the rock to win is a great strategy, whether home or away, and I expect it to work this weekend for the NFC's defending champs...


Atlanta Falcons (-5.5) vs Carolina Panthers

These two teams could not have started their respective seasons on more opposite notes. The Panthers suddenly find themselves in a bit of turmoil after DeAngelo's near injury and Jake Delhomme's 5 turnovers, while after an impressive week 1 win, Matty Ice and the Falcons are out to prove that last year wasn't just some flash in the pan...


Head coach Mike Smith has his boys ready to play on both sides of the ball, and should have John Fox and the Panthers scrambling for answers right from the opening gun...


Then again, this is the NFC South, and in that division, things go about as smoothly as Kanye West's KKK induction ceremony. Then we'll see who really hates black people, won't we Mr. West...


Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) @ Chicago Bears

Two weeks ago, this would have been billed as one of the season's great defensive battles. But one game, and two key injuries later, and both Pittsburgh and Chicago are looking for answers as to how to fill their respective voids. Thankfully for Steeler fans, Pittsburgh's defense, much their team, isn't so one dimensional that it's going to fall apart over the absence of just one player. So even if the Chicago offense can get on track, I don't like their chances of supplying enough defense to make up for the meager 3 point spread...


Just as I predicted in the pre season, this game should turn Bear fans against Jay Cutler, only for him to lure them back as the Bears hit their mid season stride...

Now, with those "top picks" out of the way, here's a look at the rest of this week's slate, just ooozing with potential income opportunities...

New Orleans Saints @ Philadelphia Eagles OVER 46

Washington Redskins (+1.5) vs St. Louis Rams

Kansas City Chiefs (-3) vs Oakland Raiders

Denver Broncos (-3) vs Cleveland Browns

Tennessee Titans vs Houston Texans UNDER 41

San Fransisco 49ers (-1.5) vs Seattle Seahawks

Buffalo Bills (-4.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Baltimore Ravens (+3.5) @ San Diego Chargers

New York Giants (+3) @ Dallas Cowboys


Monday Night
Indianapolis Colts @ Miami Dolphins OVER 41

Some pundits are already saying that Indy's offense is past it's prime, but look for a Primetime, WildCat shootout to end all doubt. This one should be nothing but points from the word go, hence why I think it's a good idea that you steer clear of the spread, and put your hard earned dough on the over...

Last Week: 7-9-0

Overall: 7-9-0

Now, if you would be so kind, allow me to debut this year's NCAA Top 25 Picks. In a typical week, I'll usually comment on a big match up or two, but seeing as none of these games really strike my fancy, I'll just leave you to imagine the clever things I would have said about this weekend's big on campus tilts. I'm sure there would have been a joke about Lane Kiffin in there somewhere...

NCAA TOP 25 Picks

(1) Florida (-29) vs Tennessee

(2) Texas (-17) vs Texas Tech

(3) USC (-19.5) @ Washington

(4) Alabama OVER North Texas

(5) Penn St. (-29.5) vs Temple

(5) Mississippi OVER SE Louisiana

(7) BYU (-7.5) vs Florida St.

(8) California (-14) @ Minnesota

(9) LSU (-26.5) vs LA Lafayette

(10) Boise St. (-7.5) @ Fresno St.

(11) Ohio St. (-20.5) @ Toledo

(12) Oklahoma (-17) vs Tulsa

(13) Virginia Tech (-4) vs (19) Nebraska

(15) TCU OVER Texas St.

(16) Oklahoma St. (-32) vs Rice

(18) Utah (+4.5) vs Oregon

(22) Kansas (-22) vs Duke

Arkansas (pick) vs (23) Georgia

(24) North Carolina (-7.5) vs East Carolina

(25) Michigan (-24) vs Eastern Michigan


Last Season: 140-83-7 (.624)

NOTE: Through the 1st 2 weeks, I'm 22-16 in my college picks league. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...


So there you have it, weekend warriors. I gave you reason to laugh, reason to think, and more than enough betting advice to satisfy even the biggest degenerate. Well OK that last part might not be true, but if you do crave more action than what's been supplied here, then I suggest you put the bottle down and step away from the online blackjack table. You need help, and far more help than even I could possibly give you without being given access to a car battery and a small kiddie pool...

So good luck to you all, and make sure to check right back here on Tuesday for all of the fall out. And remember, just because there isn't a new RoochNation link posted on FaceBook, doesn't mean I haven't been hard at work. As diligent as the good people at FaceBook might be, they're still a little slow on the uptick when it comes to uploading all of my posts. If I were you, I'd bookmark RoochNation like I have, and you'll be sure to never miss a single post...

After all, the last thing you want to do is fall behind in your reading of the SportsBlog of record, isn't it?...

Teddy Williams...

100...