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Friday, February 27, 2009

Cougars and Tigers and MILFs, Oh My!



Greetings again, my fellow Intrawebbers, and welcome to another outstanding edition of the online column that's become it's own Nation. Formerly known as the award winning site "Now You Know", the Nation has grown by leaps and bounds in the past year or so since it's inception, and has morphed into the little slice of Mecca that you see before your eyes on this very day...

And that's Mecca for the good Muslims, not the terrorists. They chill in the part of Mecca that looks like that bar from Star Wars where Han and Chewy were poundin' down space brews...

Now like half decent leader of a solid Nation knows, every once in a while you have to take a step back and maybe, "re prioritize" a little bit. Make sure that you're spending the right amounts of time and money on the things that are really important to keeping your Nation alive...

Translation? I've been busy working, drinking and playing poker this week, so what you're gonna get is a condensed version of what you've come to expect from the usually loquacious President of the Nation. Not short on words, mind you, but more short on depth. Essentially, I skimmed the top of my brain this week like a farmer gathering fresh cream on a bright, dewy morning...

You get the crispy, crunchy, gelatinous fat. Maybe not the best for you, but a treat that's sure to get your weekend started off on the right track...

Get out your forks, my good friends, and make sure you save some fat for the end. There's a cat down there that's gonna want that fat. And she's not gonna take no for an answer!...


Get some...


MLB Spring Training

Much like when the NFL and NCAA hoops overlap, I'm not gonna start getting big into my baseball coverage until the field of 64 has whittled itself down to a precious few.



*NESN hottie and Varitek homewrecker, Heidi Watney, took some time out to talk to her favorite captain this week, and the conversation quickly took a turn for the weird...and possibly reptilian? Oh, and she has the video to prove it! Take a look...

http://deadspin.com/5160765/heidi-watney-has-gator-troubles-with-dramatic-video

Oh I bet they just have the cutest conversations after they do it in the clubhouse hallway real quick before the wife...ex wife shows up...

And I have to agree with Deadspin.com on this one. I'm pretty sure that "gator" is an inanimate object. Dumb, hot blond...


*Seeing as I went on an A-Rod rant last week, I figure the spirit of journalistic integrity forces me to give a follow up. So here it is.

This guy just doesn't get it, and he's fixin' to go down just as hard and fast as I originally predicted. Evidence? He had his cousin pick him up from the Yankees first spring training game...

Yeah. Needless to say the Big Steins told him that wouldn't be happening again, and then proceeded to send ole cousin Yuri out to get them 3 calzones from Paisano's. Ayyy! Ohhh! I'm roidin' here!..

*Manny Ramirez and Scott Boras have again turned down the Dodgers and their offer in the neighborhood of 2 years and $45 million. I don't know, Scotty. If you're still waiting on your patented "mystery team" to show up, I think February 27th is cutting it a little close, don't you?

Then again, as much as I'd love to rip Boras, I'd have to think at this point it's strictly Manny that;s holding out for more cash and years. Boras got what he wanted. Manny left the Sox, tore up those option years, and now whatever contract Manny signs, Boras gets a cut. Granted the bigger his cut the better, but I think at this point even he would be willing to take a cut on the years just to get Manny on the field...

Gordon Gecko was right. Greed is good. But when you have a lot of other clients watching you and how you react to the situation, sometimes even greed has to take a back seat to sanity and common sense. Two things Boras has, but that his client lacks...

PS - Manny will still land in LA. Either that or Japan. That crazy bastard...

PSS - In regards to the World Baseball Classic, I shant be watching. I figured the easiest way to explain why, is that I like MLB baseball, and not whatever sort of diluted Olympics version this might be. And go ahead, criticize my love for the game or my love for my country. I'll crush you like Ivan Drago...well at least when he killed Apollo Creed. Not when he lost to Rocky. And certainly not when he was railing out Brigitte Neilsen...

Did somebody just say Flavor Flaaaaaaav!?

I didn't think so...


NCAA Tournament

Going back to the NCAA tourney for a minute. Things are beginning to heat up, leading to the inevitable argument involving teams on the dreaded "bubble". Now while I have mental acumen to break all that down for you myself, I've instead decided for the time being to defer to to ESPN.com, where they are the masters of all things "bubble". Well, that and they actually have people being paid to do this shit...

Bubble Watch: http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/bubblewatch?id=88


My only hope is that my trust in them doesn't backfire like it did last week with Greivis Vasquez. I had no idea how to spell the Maryland guard's name, so I went to the World Wide Leader to check it out. In multiple places they had "G-r-e-v-i-s", so I went with it. Hours later, when I see it spelled differently on TV, I double check almost more to prove that the TV was wrong. ESPN.com had changed the spelling they had before, and covered their tracks as if nothing had ever been wrong in the first place. So do me proud this time, oh World Wide Leader. Don't make me have to go Christian Bale on your ass AND/OR possibly force Skip Bayless, Dana Jacobson and Bob Ley into filming the porn remake of Sea Biscuit called "Tea Bagscuit". Naturally Jacobson gets the lead as the horse, and Bayless would be the jockey. But then I'm sure you already knew that's where I was going with that...


The National Football League

NFL free agency isn't even 12 hours old, and already the dollars are flying faster than Howard Hughes on a 6 day coke bender. Here are a few headline grabbers that have gotten this portion of the offseason started at breakneck speed...

Haynesworth Steps on Eye, Gets $100 Mil: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3939011

Fred Taylor...Yes!: http://www.sportsnetwork.com/merge/tsnform.aspx?c=sportsnetwork&page=nfl/news/newstest.aspx?id=4215764

As you can tell by my hysterical, "make believe" headlines, I'm very much in favor of one signing, and very much against the other. If you couldn't tell that, then again, I have to take this time to suggest that you leave this page right now, and proceed directly to http://www.meetthebrowns.com/. Stop wasting my time, and start giving TBS the white, upper class audience it needs to actually start charging people for the ads they run...




Haynesworth may have served his time for stomping out Dallas center Andre Gurode, but I just don't like the overall message it sends. It's a business. I get it. That's what the market would bare. I get it. Daniel Snyder is an eccentric dumb ass with a ton of money to burn. I get it. But did he really have to cash in like this? Not only is he the 1st free agent to sign, but he was the most widely pursued and is probably going to end up with the most guaranteed money. $41 mil? More than $30 mil over the first 13 months? Guaranteed? Wow. What an ugly precedent. Just imagine how much he would have got had he spiked a guys nut. Cha-Ching!!!/Ouch that hurt just typing it...


As for Fred Taylor, I liken his arrival to Foxboro like that of Curt Schilling to Boston. Now hold on, I don't necessarily mean in terms of impact, I'm talking more about the type of player. More to the point, I'm talking about how I felt about both of them before they came to my team. Taylor is a solid guy who has been a great performer for quite some time on some really good teams. Just like Schilling was. Let's just hope Taylor doesn't turn into a fat, pompous media whore with a ketchup stain on his sock...

Oops? I didn't just go there, did I?...



Tiger "F'ing" Woods

Tiger Woods is back, which is great for golf, but it seems in his 8 month absence people have forgotten exactly how the game of golf works. Even Tiger doesn't win 'em all, folks. And as much as you and I both wanted him to come out and kick every body's ass, it just wasn't all that likely a scenario...

As for all this junk I'm hearing about how he shouldn't have lost to a bum like Tim Clark? Please, guys. Get a clue. Clark may be winless in 173 starts on the PGA Tour, but anyone that knows golf, knows that little South African can swing a mean stick. I mean people are reacting to this upset like a 15 beat a 2 in the NCAA tournament, when I would compare it more to a 7 beating a 2 in the second round. An upset, yes, but probably not as big of one as it appeared on the surface...

Tiger will get his, it'll just be a matter of time...

Good to have ya back, buddy. Beat the Phat guy once this year just for me. And then expose him my ripping off that girdle that's blatantly cutting off most of his oxygen...


MILFs and Cougars...

Are there two better words in the English language for a soon to 26 year old male? I think not. And boy do I have a great example of each thanks to my time this week call screening on the Buddy Cianci Show on News Talk 630 WPRO...

On Thursday, between the hours of 10 and 2, I was in a production studio that had the TV firmly fixed on Regis and Kelly. Regis was off, with Anderson Cooper sitting in, but I was more interested in Kelly Ripa, his female counterpart. After all, what the Hell could I possibly want with Anderson Cooper? That Bill Maher bastard-child lookin' Ted...


Kelly Ripa. Mmmm mmmmm good, baby. Just like the delicious Campbell's Soup. OR maybe, to show my full on love for her tight body and cute little quirks, I should give out the obligatory, "Jean Claude Van Damn! she's fine!"


She's full on MILF, with an extra emphasis on the "ILF" part. The 38-year old mother of 3 looks like she just had her 19th birthday, and usually dresses as if the were about to film a scene in an upper crust porno. You know, like the ones where the chick is the teacher and she ends up letting the suspiciously old looking student rail her out to help give his grade a boost?

Seeing as we all know what the first thing males my age think of when they go to bed, it's she's not exactly helping the cause when she's the first thing we see in the morning. Hey there call the doctor it's been more than 8 hours!...

Then there's the cougar, and with this one even I have to admit I was a little surprised at myself...




It's 62 year old soap star, Susan Lucci. Hey, anyone that's had that much work done deserves to be hot at 62 if you ask me. She looks damn good, even if she has lost like a million Emmy Awards in a row! And more to the point, it's how proficient she is at those Pilate's moves that really has me goin'. Reminds me the conversation we had one night in college about the advantages to having a cheerleader/girlfriend with no limbs. No arms, no legs. Just torso, boobs, face, and ass. Sketchy, I know, but combine that idea with some of the slick moves Lucci is making on that machine, and you'll see where we may have been on to something all along with our sick young minds...

And it's a win freakin' win, baby. I get to watch Susan Luci bounce around, and she teaches the younger generations not only how to stay tone, but how to be an amateur porn star in just 20 minutes, 3 times a week!..

Keep up the good work, babe, and make sure you hit me up the next time you're in Providence. I have an available "lap" where you can demonstrate to me all those effective Pilate's moves...

Rarrrr!....



FarceBook

Finishing up this week, I have yet another proclamation about the virtual crack that is the social networking site, FaceBook.

If you ask someone to be your "friend", but then proceed to not respond to anything they send you, then you're so sick in a really sad way that it's not even funny. Like, normally it would be funny and I would point and laugh at you, but this is just so sad that it almost makes me wanna frown a little.

What doing that does, is make it blatantly obvious to everyone involved that the only reason you wanted to "friend" the person in the 1st place, is to boost your total # of friends. It's like calling someone on your cell phone, and when they pick up you immediately end the call. Like you did it just to prove to someone else you had their number.

Truly a sad commentary...

And no, I didn't go on that rant because I stalk chicks from high school and they won't return my messages, so don't even try to go there. I'm just calling all you frauds out, and trying to scare you into making the Intraweb a safer, more enjoyable place for those of us that know how to use it responsibly....


And on that note, I'm outta here boys and girls...

Have your pets spayed or neutered, don't forget to tip your waitress, keep reaching for the stars, and have caviar dreams...

100...

Monday, February 23, 2009

College Hoops Top 25 (2/23): I'd Like to Thank...Myself, of Course!


Ahh, the Academy Awards.

The night of all nights when it comes to all things cinematic. A night where legends are made, heroes are remembered, memorable performances are given, and where masters of their craft are recognized for doing spectacular work in the past calender year. Truly a fantastic night...

That is, if that's your thing. Which oddly enough, considering both the movie snob and nerd that I am, it is most certainly not. Sure, I'm interested in seeing the results, both truth be told I've barely seen any of the contending movies or performances this year. So therefore, even though there still many aspects to enjoy about the show, the results would be rather meaningless to me.

How could I agree or disagree with a certain selection if I have no basis for making that very same selection myself? I just can't, in good conscience, take any stock in an award, or any conclusion for that matter, if I myself have no idea where the selectors of the award are coming from...

And to be completely honest, while it's not the main catalyst for me not watching the awards shows, I must confess that the very responsibility I try to take it not judging what I don't know, is another factor in why I don't take much stock in a lot of these results. I mean, if asked to vote, I would only vote in categories in which I had seen and thoroughly digested. Something I would hope other voters would take care to do as well, but something I doubt is all that realistic. Just from working in sports broadcasting or a very brief time, I learned all too well the tainted process of the All-Star, Gold Glove and MVP voting system. How registered voters of the Baseball Writer's Association would hand off ballots to interns, or ask people on other beats how they should vote. Truly pathetic, rather unprofessional, and I just can't help but think a lot of the same things are goin' on with the awards in Hollywood...

Perhaps it's just a sad commentary on my own nerdish ways and my high moral standards, but I tend to disagree and see the positive. After all, if people were judging my merits, and giving me awards based on my performance, I'd want them to know what they were doing. Matter of fact, them not being fully prepared to accurately asses what they see in front of them would probably piss me off more than anything in the world...

Which brings me to my point. I know. Finally...

So I've been talking to a lot of people and reading a lot of scribblings about the current state of college hoops. After all, we are bearing down on March here, and everyone in the game is eager talk everything from "Who's #1" to "Who's #66"...

But it got me to thinkin'. Just like the Oscars, what I do here is hand out awards based on my personal opinion. There are no real solid facts involved here, right? Sure there are wins, losses, strength of schedule, RPI etc., but in the end it simply comes down to who I think is best...

That's where the coaches and the writers fail to live up to the standard I would hold for those voting and handing out awards. Case in point, Utah St.'s rise into the top 25. You really wanna sit here and tell me that the coaches and writers that voted on that poll have seen the Aggies play enough to know them that well? Even seen them play at all!?! Granted it's teams like Utah St. that come out of nowhere to win tourney games, but the only reason their garnering votes is due to their gaudy win total. The ignorant voters I referred to before are simply looking at the standings, being wowed by the vote total, and sliding the lowly Aggies neatly into the back end of their top 25. Hell, doing so even makes them feel extra smart...

Well that's not how things go down in this Nation, kids. I do my best to watch as many teams as I can, and then I do my best to report back to you how good they are. I don't front and pretend I know shit about obscure teams, I simply dissect what I see on TV and read online like the rest of the world, and from there try to draw what I deem the most logical conclusions. After all, the next time one of these beat small conference school's wins the Big Dance will be the first time in the modern era. And since the goal here is to ultimately take down the NCAA pool, then cute little things like having one of them in your top 25 will just serve as proof that you're not worthy of the prestigious position you currently hold...

Want some real, knowledge? Then you've come to the right place...

Get some, Academy Awards style...


Rooch Nation College Hoops Top 25


1. Pittsburgh (25-2) 1

If I were handing out awards, I'd model the statue after myself, expect instead of gold, mine would be made of Reese's peanut butter so you could eat it. And I would give my best team in the country award to the Pittsburgh Panthers. Safe to say right now DeJuan Blair and Levance Fields would be taking chunks off my torso while Sam Young sucked on my shoulder...

Totally not gay, by the way. I'd eat their likeness too if it were made of delicious Reese's peanut butter. Anyone that says otherwise, is a lying homophobe. There I said it...

2. North Carolina (24-3) 2

When it takes a triple double from one of your main rivals, on their home court, to beat you in OT, you simply bow your head in respect, and move on. Perfect example of "one game" being exactly that...

3. UCONN (25-2) 3

The following is a weak attempt to keep my "Oscar" theme going...

If Hasheem Thabeet is a Best Actor nominee, then Jerome Dyson was definitely the winner of the this year's Best Supporting Actor award in a landslide. At least when it comes to the difference between UCONN winning it all and getting bounced in the Elite 8. With Dyson on the shelf, guys like AJ Price and Stanley Robinson are gonna have to prove once again that this team can remain a big time threat when and if Thabeet gets into foul trouble. Or if God forbid that contraption he's got holdin' his shoulder together gives out. What the Hell is goin' on there, anyway?

And and if they're coach happens to get arrested for beating the shit out of some snot nosed reporter. God I love this shit...



The classic match up. Old dudes in positions of power VS young punks just looking to get under people's skin. And boy is this particular young punk a rather big tard. Then again, if he was just looking to piss Calhoun off, then job well done...

It's like the flaming dog poo in the paper bag all over again. Glorious, just hysterically glorious...

4. Marquette (23-4) 8

5. Arizona St. (21-5) 5


6. Oklahoma (25-2) 4

Here's a head scratcher...

Oklahoma, minus a healthy Blake Griffin, almost beats Texas on their home floor. That means...

A) Oklahoma is so good, they almost beat a good Texas team even without Blake Griffin

B) The BIG XII is so down this year, that an upper tier Texas team could barely beat Oklahoma in Austin, without their best player

C) 75% A, 20% B, and 5% Eduardo Najera's nose hair

The correct answer, is naturally C. The Sooners still rule the Big XII, and the rest of those squads are just buyin' time till the next harvest...

7. Villanova (22-5) 11

8. Duke (22-5) 10

9. Michigan St. (21-5) 9

10. Louisville (21-5) 6

11. UCLA (20-7) 7

It's funny. Now that the Boston Bruins are relevant again, people seem to want to talk about the more in general conversation. And naturally, me being the sports guy, they think I'm the perfect person to strike up some quality puck talk with. Problem is, I'm a wise ass. That's why the conversation inevitably goes like this...

Ted: "Wow, the Bruins have been scufflin' lately, huh?"

Me: "Yeah. Who would have thought they would have got swept by the 2 Arizona teams?"

Ted (now giving me the one-eyed sideways look, like I just told him my 2 pair beat his 3 of a kind): "Yeah...Wait, what?"

Even sadder, is the truth behind my little Oscar worthy dialogue. Not only have Ben Howland's Bruins dumped 2 of their last 3, but Claude's (pronounced CLODE. Yes, it rhymes with CHODE, and yes that's how I remember it) Bruins just finished a 5 game road trip that saw them only capture 1 win.

Ahh what a sad state of affairs for Bruins fans everywhere. Only difference? UCLA fans are sitting the the warm sun, and know their team will buckle down and win 'em when they matter. Boston fans are stuck scrapin' ice off their cah, and know their team is gonna get the #1 seed, only to watch Montreal slide into the #8 seed and knock their ass out in the first round...

You know it. I know it. And those French, round bacon eating "le Teds" up in Montreal know it...

12. Memphis (24-3) 12

13. Xavier (22-5) 13

14. LSU (23-4) 14

15. Purdue (21-6) 18

16. Kansas (22-5) 17


17. Gonzaga (21-5) 21

The Zags are who we thought they were!

Gonzaga has won their last 4 by an average of 20 a game. If you wanna do the research yourself, you'll find that to be a very flawed stat. But you won't, which is cool...

Either way, Mark Few's "good men" are rounding into form these days and are gonna make for a scary out come tourney time...

That's the truth, can you handle it? Or rather are you dreaming of poking out my eyes and urinating in my skull?

Hey there Code RED!!

See what I did there? Did you see what I did?...

18. Washington (20-7) 16

19. Illinois (22-6) 19


20. Clemson (22-4) NR

Well it nearly took til March, but allow me to officially welcome the Clemson Tiger's to the Rooch Nation Top 25. I'm still not all over their sack like most pollsters I know, but I figure between Trevor Booker's monster year, and their relentless press, they gotta be better than most of the chump squads out there...

Can you say, backhanded compliment?

21. Wake Forest (20-5) 15

22. Missouri (23-4) 23

Again, things I am subjected to...

My buddy from back in the day, Todd Rixon, was chatting me up this weekend about college hoops. He being a Missouri Tiger, naturally the conversation started with him asking me how I thought his squad was. "Eh, they're OK", I said. "10 in the country, man", he responds. "Whoa, really? That sounds about 10-15 spots too high, man".

Then, he goes to good ole reliable, and lets me know exactly what he really wanted to say when he struck up this conversation in the first place...

"Well they're a Hell of a lot better than Syracuse!"...

Touche, Mr Rixon. You got me!

Expect that I too had Mizzou ranked higher than Cuse last week, and would never venture to say that my D-less Orange had a great chance to make this year's Elite 8...which were the next words out of his mouth in regards to his Tigers...

Oh and he thinks Marquette is beat too...

And I'm the one that was attacked for being biased...

23. Kentucky (19-8) 20

24. Butler (23-4) 22

25. West Virginia (19-8) NR

I figure if I'm gonna get ripped for having man-love for the Big East, I might as well take advantage of it. Orange slide out, Huggins Hoodlums slide in...

Easy Peasy, Japaneasy...


just missed: Creighton; Florida; Utah; Syracuse; Miami; Texas; Siena; South Carolina; Tennessee; Utah St.; Florida St.; Dayton; UNLV; Notre Dame; Troy; St. Mary's

dropped: (24) Syracuse; (25) Miami


Now here's where some crucial insight that will help you in the NCAA tourney can really be gained. For the next few weeks, I'm gonna give you a heads up on some of the mid major teams whose names will definitely be appearing in your bracket. These aren't "Bubble teams" or anything like that, just teams you haven' seen play, or in some instances heard of that have the serious potential of making or breaking your bracket. In essence, while you will still probably need the right champion to win your pool, knowing about the teams that I'm going to feature can be the difference between coming in 1st and coming in 3rd. Now that's some serious cakes...

Where better to start, than a Midwestern squad that's made a habit of busting brackets over the last 5-10 years. Both for the good, and for the bad...

Mid Major Watch

Creighton Blue Jays (23-6, 12-4)

Seven out of the last 9 years have seen Creighton in the NCAA Tournament, and while they've only managed 2 wins in that time, they should still be considered dangerous. Why? Because they have a Korver...

Younger brother of star Blue Jay and current NBAer Kyle, sophomore Kaleb Korver is hoping this year's version of the squad can be every bit as good as when his big bro was the big man on campus. Kaleb may just be a role player, but his 47% shooting from behind the arc does well to describe a team that shoots 40% from back there as a whole, and thrives on crisp, inside-outside ball movement...

Might not be on the best teams to emerge from the Missouri Valley in recent memory, but with the way they are capable of shooting, and the quality competition they've dealt with all year long, they aren't a team that someone like Syracuse, Kentucky or Butler will want to see in their first round match up...


Just a side note: Kyle Korver, Kaleb Korver and Klayton Korver, who plays at Drake. K-K-K. I bet they were just glue to the 24 hours of Tyler Perry's House of Payne! Nah I'm sure there's a Kris, Karl and Kody to debunk that theory. Freakin' hicks. I can only imagine what they eat for breakfast and snort up their noses...

FYI. The answer to both, is Special K...Oh!

Now for this week's games. That is, when you're not watching and rewatching this week's episode of LOST. I am soooooo addicted!

If you missed that sarcasm, then please leave. If not, then please peruse this week's games and plan your viewing schedule accordingly...


This Week's Slate

2/23
Louisville @ Georgetown (ESPN 7 pm)
Kansas @ Oklahoma (ESPN 9 pm)

2/24
Pittsburgh @ Providence
Penn St. @ Ohio St. (ESPN 7 pm)
Florida St. @ Boston College
Florida @ LSU (ESPN 9 pm)
BYU @ San Diego St.

2/25
UCONN @ Marquette (ESPN 7 pm)
Dayton @ URI
Kentucky @ South Carolina
Virginia Tech @ Clemson (ESPN 2 7:30 pm)
Houston @ Tulsa
Duke @ Maryland (ESPN 9 pm)
Mississippi St. @ Tennessee
Kansas St. @ Missouri
UNLV @ Utah

2/26
Minnesota @ Illinois
West Virginia @ Cincinnati (ESPN 7 pm)
Xavier @ St. Joesph's (ESPN 2 7 pm)
North Carolina St. @ Wake Forest
Memphis @ UAB (ESPN 2 9 pm)
Arizona @ Washington St.
Arizona St. @ Washington
USC @ California

2/27
Siena @ Niagara
Brown @ Princeton

2/28
Georgetown @ Villanova (ESPN 12 pm)
Cleveland St. @ Butler
Notre Dame @ UCONN (CBS 2 pm)
Clemson @ Florida St.
Illinois St. @ Creighton (ESPN 2 2 pm)
Arizona @ Washinton
Duke @ Virginia Tech (ABC 3:30 pm)
LSU @ Kentucky (CBS 4 pm)
Temple @ Dayton
Ohio St. @ Purdue (ESPN 4 pm)
Utah @ BYU
Arizona St. @ Washington St.
UCLA @ California (ESPN 9 pm)
Utah St. @ Nevada

3/1
Marquette @ Louisville (CBS 12 pm)
Cincinnati @ Syracuse
Tennessee @ Florida (CBS 2 pm)
Michigan St. @ Illinois (CBS TBD)
Missouri @ Kansas (CBS 2 pm)
Maryland @ North Carolina St.


Player of the Week

Gervis Vasquez, Maryland

I mentioned his performance earlier as more of a defense for the Tar Heels, but props must be given where props are deserved. After all, triple double's in college aren't exactly easy to come by. 35 points, 11 boards, 10 assists. Not only that, but he scored the Terps first 16 points of the game, and scored 5 of their 12 points in overtime to help seal the win...

Maryland's first triple double in 22 years and a big boost to Maryland's post season resume. Job well done, Gervis. If only your parents were as prolific at picking out names for their kids. Let's just hope they didn't take the same tactic as the Korvers. That could get really ugly, not to mention really racist on my part...


And there you have it, kids. I can hear the music playing under me, so while I'd love to thank you all for coming and point out how much I adore my PR people, there just aren't enough minutes in the day. Hopefully, much like the Oscars', I've done enough to give you food for thought, as well as given you plenty to argue. Just remember, I'm the on watching all these movies, while you're the one picking the French cartoon for best animated short simply because it has a funny French title...

So enjoy the action, and I'll catch you for next week's top 25. I'll be the one that actually watched these games and knows what he's talking about. You'll still be the one with the crazy notion that anything but luck will lead you to win your NCAA pool that's just a mere month away...

Get your knowledge on, and the deserved reward will follow. Just a little advice from yours truly...

100...

Friday, February 20, 2009

Back...To The Future OR My Cousin Yuri?

Pimps. Teds. I'd like to welcome you both, and thank one of your for coming. I'm here to talk sports, and I have a feeling there's a certain topic that you have a gut feeling I'm going to discuss...

If you said VH1's Sober House, you're head is in the right place, but you're not as far off as you'd think...

Let's face it. Even with the NBA and NHL closing in on their trade deadlines, MLB Spring Training heating up, and injury updates to Tiger Woods, Tom Brady and now Kevin Garnett, there's only one topic worth discussing right now in the world of sports...

Alex Rodriguez and his use of performance enhancing drugs...

Love it or hate it, it's the topic dejour, and as a semi-responsible journalist/top notch ping pong player, I feel it's my duty to give you my insightful and amazingly original take. Believe me, what I might be lacking this week in range of content, I'm gonna more than make up for with my ability of convincing you that I am the modern day Nostradamus when it comes to all things A-Rod. And it was nothing to do with the finely manicured man-scruff I got workin' on my face piece. Then again, I don't even know if Nostradamus had a beard. I just figured he sounds like a dude that would, bein' all knowing and nerdy, probably locked in some sort of clock tower...

But OK, before I get too off track and start talking about Rodney King and his rehab experience, let's get down to business and figure out what happens from here in the Alex Rodriguez saga...

I told you all last week that I thought A-Rod was screwed. That his admission to using from '01-'03 was gonna come back and bite him in the ass because it was too specific, and because now his credibility was totally shot. He had proven that he was capable of bold faced lying when he talked to Katie Couric, so now any journalist worth their salts was gonna go above and beyond to see if they can again catch the All Star slugger in a blatant lie...


So what now? Has my opinion of A-Rod's predicament changed after his pseudo-emotional press conference?

Well before I answer that, I'll ask you to indulge me a little, and allow me to tell you a little story that could perhaps give you some perspective into my way of thinking.

So please, hop into the official Rooch Nation Delorean, would you? And make sure you don't fuck with the flux capacitor! The last thing we wanna do is piss of Doc Brown. After all, if we're to believe what we saw in BTTF 1, he's probably a full fledged member of al Qaeda, and could very well have direct links to that "Terror Network" Dubya was always blabbering about. But get in anyway. If we have enough time, we can probably go back and fix all that terrorist shit anyway. Right after I go back and catch the spineless prick that stole the sub woofer out of my sea foam green Ford Escort. See how he likes a cro-bar to the mouth...

OK, let's hop in this bad Lawrence and get our time travel on...



Time circuits, ON. Flux capacitor....fluxing? 88 miles an hour. And bam!, it's January 7th, 2008. Funny, I was expecting flying cars and robot prostitutes, but it looks the same as it does today. Weird...

I'm on my way to work at 99.7 & 790 The Score in East Providence, the now defunct sports radio station that used to be where I was attempting to hone my skills. But I digress...

This was the day that Roger Clemens was going to go in front of the media for the first time since being outed by Brian McNamee, and was to give his take on what the reality of his situation actually was. I cruised along in my car (no sea foam, no sub woofer) and listened to The Score as we aired the press conference, and with each word out of Roger's mouth, I was more convinced than ever of his guilt. To me, he seemed Hell bent on destroying Brian McNamee and less concerned with proclaiming his innocence. As anyone that's been caught lying before knows, that's not only the most common defense strategy, but the one of choice when dealing with someone deemed a dead beat like McNamee...

Another example of guilt? That stupid taped phone call he played. Remember? It was the one that Roger, and now infamous law man, Rusty Hardin, told the media would essentially clear the Rocket of any wrong doing. Instead? Disaster! McNamee didn't cop to anything on the tape, and instead came off looking as the emotionally wrecked friend, who only did what he did because he felt it was the only way he could save himself and his family. Basically, he sounded desperate. Not the kind of desperate where he would have rolled on Clemens, but the kind of "there was nothing else I could do" desperate, where it broke his heart to have to give up his friend...

So that's what I took from the press conference. I thought the message was sent loud and clear that at the very least, now Roger Clemens character and credibility had to be seriously called into question...

Then, I walk into work. Now just to preface, the people I was about to encounter I hold in very high regard, which is why I will not sully their good names here, in fear that they will realize how stupid they must have sounded, and proclaim that they actually said the exact opposite of what I'm claiming. They would be wrong in such a claim, but like I said, they've probably at this point OJ'd themselves into thinking they never thought that in the first place. So I'll leave their identities alone. They know who they are, and that should be enough...(muuuahahaha)

I head up the stairs, and upon meeting the 1st of my co workers I say something to the effect of "can you believe this guy? He's screwed", and expect a positive response. Instead, what I got from him, and the 3 others in attendance, was nothing but support for Clemens, and opinions that he had done nothing but helped his cause by the way he handled his press conference...

In a word. I was stunned. In two words? VERY stunned.

These 3 guys, who I can normally count on for sane, unbias opinions on virtually everything "sports", had me thinkin' that either I had just listened to a different press conference, or that they were somehow pulling a joke on me where 5 minutes later they would tell me they were all kidding. It wouldn't have been all that funny a joke, but the corny and nerdy nature of it would have been right up their alley, believe you me...

Then they all left, being done with their shift and leaving me to my own devices. There I was, left to work for the next few hours and left to ponder whether I was right, or whether my thinking on this thing was way off base. A dangerous position for someone of my advanced enlightenment, something most of you troglodytes wouldn't understand. (If you got that movie reference, you need more hobbies too)...

Go home, driving in my Honda, not the Delorean, go to sleep, wake up the next day. The media as a whole is shredding Clemens. ESPN.com has a poll that says virtually everyone not related to him thinks he's full of shit. McNamee sues him for damaging his name in a public forum. The gig is up. Whether he did it or not, he was now officially guilty in the court of public opinion. Not because his accuser was all that credible, but because he himself was flat out looking and acting guilty...

So why do I bring this up when talking about Alex and his press conference?

Roger fooled 3 people. A-Rod didn't fool anybody...



My colleagues may have been blinded by Roger's dog and pony show, with his fancy lawyer tricks and high tech phone recordings, but most of us picked up on his deceit right away. This time, there was no mistake, right from the get go, that A-Rod was playing us for dumb, and trying to put yet another gross lie over on Joe Baseball Fan...

His cousin Yuri gave him the roids? He thought they were for an energy boost? He injected them into his ass a few times a month for only 3 years? This is the credible response he and his PR team came up with? Wow. That's pretty weak. Almost so weak that it could be true, but logic tells us that there's far too much smoke for there not to be some sort of raging tire fire hidden around the next corner...

It's the same logic that forces me to ask, with a book about to hit shelves alleging he's used steroids since high school, how can he go out and be as vague as he was? I mean, the original report filed by SI's Selena Roberts said that A-Rod tested positive for 2 performance enhancers in his '03 test, yet he only addresses this one substance, "Bole"? Come on, man. That's just flat out insulting every one's intelligence...



And already, mere days after his press conference, stories are already being printed, drudging up further evidence that there are o-zone sized holes in his story. What about this trainer, banned by MLB for suspicious roid dealings, thats' been essentially A-Rod's Siamese twin for the past decade? And the fact that this "Bole", the street name for the steroid Primobolan, was never legal in the Dominican Republic like Alex said it was? Both are rather damaging pieces of evidence, and only go to support my theory that we are merely at the tip of this Jose Canseco sized ice berg. All because A-Rod has to apologize on his terms, instead of really coming clean...

Alex says he knows he's not bigger than the game? I say he's got it more twisted than ever. Not only does he think he's bigger than the game, he thinks he's a million times smarter than basically everyone on the planet. That's what he's telling us, isn't it? Like Barry and Roger before him, he's standing in front of all the fans and media, lying through his teeth, and acting shocked when we all don't take him for his word. And he's got the act down pat, right down to the Jedi Mind trick he tries to pull, by giving his version of the story, and then only allowing the press to further prod him on what he's laid forth as fact. Wanna talk about this trainer that MLB termed an "unsavory character"? Of course not. He wants to talk about how naive and dumb he and his cousin were from 2001-2003...

Well bad news, A-Fraud, the questions and the accusations are just beginning. And the thoughts of saving your reputation? They went right out the window when you couldn't muster a real apology to your teammates, and you decided to use "ignorance" as your main defense strategy...

You think you're smarter than the rest of us, that somehow you can convince us of your innocence by continuing to hit Ruthian home runs. But that ship has sailed. You had the chance to come clean, and at least feed the public a story good enough to calm their appetite, but you sunk that ship before it could even pull up the anchor. By using performance enhancers to rise so far and so fast through the MLB ranks, A-Rod very well may have created a monster that he now has no way of stopping...

His attempt to stem the tide, did nothing but raise more questions. And the aftermath is sure to leave the name Alex Rodriguez forever linked with Canseco and Clemens, rather than Aaron and Ruth...

It's the beginning of the end, mark my words. And it's bound to be one of the greatest falls from grace in modern entertainment history. Two notches ahead of River Phoenix, and one behind James Dean. We're talkin' somewhere in Leif Garret/Doc Gooden territory here, kids...

And not even a Delorean can save those fools...

GREY's

SPORTS

ALMANAC

See ya next week, kids. Unless you're too chicken, McFly!...

100...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

College Hoops Top 25 (2/17): Pitt-Fall For UCONN...

Life is a journey. And more to the point, life is a journey based on learning lessons and building character. Granted I have enough character to staff my own Broadway musical. But this week, thanks to a heavy workload and a shortage of spare time, I learned the value of being late. As someone that's punctual to a fault, it was a weird realization to come to, I know. But even the best of us, those that pride ourselves in always being on time could take a page out of my book this week, and realize the value of being late...

Maybe you don't wanna be late to work, late to the party, or have your significant other's "red messenger" be late. But when it comes to making a college basketball poll, there's no man smarter than the Tuesday morning quarterback...

So while I may have been a little distracted this week thanks to work, I still managed to pull the bare bones together, and give you this week's installment of my top 25. IT may be without some of the usual bells and whistles, but don't let that lull you into a false sense of insecurity. I'm still bringin' the funk, I still got the knowledge, and I'm still here to make sure you know exactly how it is. In short, just because I'm busy, doesn't mean I still can't take time out of my busy schedule to let you know what's up...


Especially since I have something very important that I wanna make sure you all hear...


Rooch Nation College Hoops Top 25


1. Pittsburgh (24-2) 1

I TOLD YOU SO!

What? I did, didn't I? And more over, I've been telling you the same thing week in and week out for the better part of 2 months!

And what's more, anyone who tells you that they "hate to say they told you so" is either lying, or they weren't that proud and confident in their original proclamation to begin with. Well I'm no liar, and if it's anything I am, it's proud and confident. SO, on the day after their road win against the Nation's #1 team, allow me again to utter one of my favorite phrases, though it's one that make sure to only use in the most optimal situations for maximum effect...

I TOLD YOU SO!

For all you Pittsburgh doubters out there, let last night's win over #1 UCONN serve as notice that you're just now realizing what I've known for quite some time. The Panthers are the best, most well rounded, and most dangerous team in the beloved country than many of us refer to as the U S of A. Case in point. Pitt was leading UCONN by 2 in the late going despite not having a single point from PG Levance Fields. Then, almost on cue, Fields nailed 2 clutch 3 pointers than put the game out of reach for good...

With that kind of poise, and that many weapons, I would have no problem filling my bracket out today and having the Pitt Panthers as they only team to walk away from March Madness with 6 wins. Yeah, they're that good...

2. North Carolina (23-2) 3

Their poor first half against the hot shooting Blue Devils could have awakened a sleeping giant. Good news for Tar Hell fans, bad news for the rest of the country...

3. UCONN (24-2) 2

UCONN may have lost, but in losing they may have sent just as important message to the college hoops fan base had they actually won. Simply put, that loss, combined with how the Huskies have played of late, tell me their are 3 teams that are head and shoulders above the rest of the country. I'd tell you who they are, but if you haven't already figured that out, then you're in need of something just a tad more rigorous than a simple explanation...

The one thing that could hinder the Huskies success, is something that reared it's ugly head last night, and something a UCONN-fan friend of mine has been saying for most the the '08-'09 season. When it comes down to crunch time, who on Jim Calhoun's team is their go to guy? Who, when all the chips are in the middle, is going to take the final shot? Hasheem Thabeet? AJ Price? Jeff Adrien? Stanley Robinson?

That's a question UCONN very well may need to answer if they expect to meet a lot of people expectations, and make a run at their 3rd National title...

4. Oklahoma (25-1) 6



5. Arizona St. (20-5) 8

With their home+home sweep of the UCLA Bruins, the Sun Devils cemented themselves as the kings of the Pac 10. Or did they? Sure ASU got two big wins against the Pac 10's top dog, but watching both wins left me asking one very important question. Is ASU better than UCLA, or do they simply match up really well against them? I mean, anyone watching that second game knows UCLA could have easily won if not for an awful charging call in the final minute against Darren Collison, so what are you supposed to draw from that?

Well for me, the jury is still out. I'll slide the Devils up for now, but it's safe to say it won't take much for me to again install UCLA as the team to beat in on the West Coast...

It's also safe to say that Jerron and Josh Shipp (above), easily have the best brother vs brother inter conference rivalry currently going. And that's "brother" like blood relation. I'm not a racist.
At least not this week...

6. Louisville (19-5) 5

7. UCLA (19-6) 4

8. Marquette (21-4) 7

9. Michigan St. (20-4) 9


10. Duke (20-5) 10

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, the naked Emperor. And boy is he hung like a light switch. Guess I shouldn't have expected any more from a bunch of over-privileged, charge takin' white, stripper taggin', 3 chuckin' white dudes whose actual career dreams are to one day be their school's assistant coach...

UNC not only exposed the Dukies in the 2nd half of that rout @ Cameron Indoor, they may as well have exposed the entire ACC. And for that, I thank them...

11. Villanova (20-5) 11

12. Memphis (22-3) 14

13. Xavier (21-4) 13



14. LSU (21-4) 16

To use an overused cliche, the Tigers must be one of the best team's in the country that nobody is talking about. Tasmin Mitchell (17 pppg/7 rpg) and Garrett Temple (7 ppg/5 rpg/4 apg) are holdovers from the Final Four team of '06, while senior Marcus Thornton might be averaging the quietest 20 points a night in major college hoops. Their 4-3 road record and lack of big wins may scare some, but their talent is, in the end, what makes them head and shoulders above the rest of the SEC. Or head and "gums" above the SEC, if you wanna get critical of Mitchell's picture...

Hey, I just got a brainstorm. Let's watch Meet the Browns!!...

15. Wake Forest (19-4) 12

16. Washington (19-6) 19

17. Kansas (20-5) 15

18. Purdue (19-6) 17

19. Illinois (21-5) NR

There's just something about this team's versatility and their crisp passing game that's made me a believer. That, and when your coach has been to a Final Four in recent history it doesn't exactly hurt your resume either...

And you can mark down the name Mike Tisdale right now as someone the big time analysts are gonna drool over when it comes to breaking down this year's tourney. The 7'1" sophomore has been showing great touch and athleticism around the hoop and in helping the Illini in their press breakers, but it's his "upside" that will have all the talking heads tripping over themselves...

Just make sure when filling out your bracket, you can tell the difference between the player, and the hype...

That tip's free, the rest are gonna cost ya...

20. Kentucky (18-7) 18

If stud forward Patrick Patterson is hurt, then the Wildcats could be done. I mean I love Jodie Meeks as much as the next guy...matter of fact, I've been touting him longer than most...but if he's the only threat on the floor for Billy Gillespie's crew, then they could easily be one and done. That's if they can avoid sliding off the bubble all together...

21. Gonzaga (19-5) 22

22. Butler (22-3) 21

23. Missouri (22-4) NR

24. Syracuse (19-7) 24


The loss to UCONN was expected in both result and size, but this week did little to answer questions about the Orange future. Sure they can score, running up nearly 80 points a game. But if they keep letting up an average of 70 per, than thy can pretty much dismiss any shot that they'll have at making any serious post season advancements. And the sad part is, I don't even think it's a lack of effort. I just don't think they have the right mix of Boeheim type players that fit in the legendary 2-3 Syracuse zone...


...and check out the "U" on Sea Brisket's stomach. I guess anything to distract from that world class schnoz she's got goin' on. Good God, somebody get me some sort of paper bag...or Patrick Ewing's phone number...

25. Miami (15-9) 23


just missed: Creighton; Arizona; Dayton; Notre Dame; South Carolina; West Virginia; Clemson; Texas; Tennessee; Siena; California; Ohio St.; Utah

dropped: (20) Davidson; (25) Texas



So that's it for this week, boys and girls. As you well know there's still plenty of college hoops action to come over the next few weeks, and while my points here may have been brief, you can rest assured that's sure to not be a trend.

When I return next week, it'll be with a fresh top 25, a look at some of the mid major teams to watch for down the stretch, and of course the latest list of fraudulent teams that serve only one purpose; Busting your bracket...

After all, this whole futile enterprise is eventually supposed to lead us to the pot of goal at the end of the NCAA tourney rainbow, right?

So until next time, I'll leave you with these words of wisdom...

"A flute with no holes, isn't a flute. A donut with no holes, is a danish" - Ty Webb

Be good, pimps...

100...

Friday, February 13, 2009

The House That Juice Built...

Good afternoon my dear friends, and let me be the first to wish you a happy Friday the 13th.

I'm not so much of a superstitious man myself, but for those of you that are into that kind of thing, be careful you don't walk under any ladders today while watching Tyler Perry's House of Pain and you should be all set...

For the rest of us, there's plenty to grub on the sports menu this week, including some of your old favorites. Juice, old cheese, hot dogs, beer, and even a little Mexican dish that's sure to set your insides on fire...

Mmmmmm. Just like momma used to make...

Bon appetit...


Alex Rodriguez



Jason Giambi. Andy Pettitte. Roger Clemens. Alex Rodriguez. They're the Pin Stripers that have guided the Yankees into the new millennium, and while they haven't brought home any titles of late, they're all now bonded by something other than their Bronx address...

They're steroid users.

And with so many of his teammates having already gone in front of the steroid firing squad, Alex Rodriguez had plenty of examples of what to do, and what not to do when it came to admitting he cheated. Problem is, while most of the country seems to think A-Rod took the right course of action, I think he and super-agent Scott Boras may have inadvertently created a shit storm that could very well spell the end of A-Roid's career, and end up costing him a much deserved spot in Cooperstown. How so? Well allow me to elaborate. After all, it's what I do best!...

First off, Boras and A-Roid determined that Andy Pettitte's "come clean and move on" strategy would be the best course of action. After all, Andy's still playing, right? And when was the last time you heard anyone even mention the fact that he's an admitted steroid user? Aside from the top of this story, I'm willing to bet it wasn't all that recently. Oh and just to be clear, I lump HGH and steroids in the same group, so when I say "steroids", just assume I mean the person in question cheated by using some kind of performance enhancing drugs...

So the Pettitte strategy was the way to go. You don't want to become a martyr or a cautionary tale like Bonds or Clemens, so it's best to come clean. Only problem, is that with A-Rod, he's the only focus of this particular investigation, and a much bigger player than Andy. I mean not to sell Andy's great career short, but was it really gonna change anything in the grand scheme of things if he used roids? Nah. He's small potatoes. That, combined with the fact that people were much more interested Clemens at the time, made Andy's admission that much more effective...

For Alex, I'm afraid that strategy just aint gonna work. He's the only game in town right now, all eyes are focused squarely on him. That means more interviews, more allegations, and more witnesses coming out of the woodwork than there would be if this were a large scale investigation with a lot of other players involved. Trust me, the best thing for A-Rod right now, is for the other 103 names that are allegedly on that positive steroid test list to be released. And the sooner the better...

But as things stand today, I think the approach Alex took is going to do him nothing but harm. You think he really came completely clean this time? I sure as Hell don't. He's already proved that he's capable of lying, proved by the Katie Couric interview. And it's taken all of 48 hours for a lot of his apology to be ripped of it's credibility. Claiming reporter, Selena Roberts, was trying to break into his house? Well not according to Roberts, the security guard at Alex's gate, and least of all the area police. Hey Alex, just because this chick is coming out with a book (Hit & Run: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez) saying your a serial juicer with homosexual tendencies, doesn't mean she's a thief!

One thing's for sure. This guy is still lying, and whatever he's hiding, he's gonna be found out...

In my opinion, the only way he could have avoided the further probing and speculation, was to come out in the same interview, and ask that all his statistics, awards and salary from that span in 01-03, be taken from him. The records wiped from the books, the money given to charity. He would have sounded sincere, he would have sounded contrite, and he would have done more than enough to prevent too many entrepreneurial reporters from digging any further...

But like DeNiro says in Casino. "If they weren't so greedy, they'd be tougher to catch". By trying to feed us this shit, A-Rod thinks he can move on and people will just let him be, and to me that's just a side of greed and arrogance. Greed because he doesn't want to let go of his place in the game, and Arrogance because he still thinks he means more to baseball than baseball means to him...

Huh. Come to think of it, maybe he is taking the Clemens and Bonds strategy after all. Which is why I won't be surprised if he ends up meeting a similar fate. If not in real court, then definitely in the court of public opinion. And let's be real, that's the only court that matters in this case anyway...


Brett Favre

Almost a year ago to the day, ESPN asked, and 70% of you said you believed Brett Favre was retired for good...

In a word, you were all suckers...

And I don't wanna hear how you were one of the 30% either. If you believe the SportsNation map at the time, the 30% consisted of me, those fat bastards in Wisconsin, and probably Sports Illustrated's Peter King. I mean, he's got his tongue so far up Favre's ass he's tasting Vicodin, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt...

So do we believe Favre this time? You bet your gay Jets fire engine hat we do. Not only is it basically the 3rd time he's tried to retire (making it a charm), but he's going out in a blaze of turmoil and change surrounding the Jets that just seem to send the signal that it's time to hang 'em up. He's getting blasted on the radio, his team missed the playoffs, the coach was fired, and he just didn't have that great a season...

This time it's for real. Why? Because he's tapped, and this New York thing was the last angle he had left to play. The last pill in his bottle of tricks if you will...

He'll hang 'em up, go straight to Canton, and in the long run be remembered simply as a Packer. A guy who was a cowboy on and sometimes off the field, that gave the game everything he had, and singlehandedly carried an entire state on his shoulders. Not to mention carrying John Madden's fat ass cross the country several times in that Bloomin OnionMobile or whatever that thing is...

Like many greats, the ending wasn't scripted, and didn't go as planned. But that's OK. In time, people will forget, only to remember again how great he really was, and how unique his talents really were...

He wasn't "my" guy, but he'll be missed. Happy Trails, #4. Just don't let the urge to comeback hit you on the way out. "Then I will not forgive..." - Marlon Brando The Godfather




Spring Training

Pitchers?

Check!

Catchers?

Check!

Roid Peddlers?

Check!

Nosey reporters?

Check!


Should be a good one...


*As usual, if you wanna be down with all things Sox when it comes to Spring Training, make sure to visit Extra Bases and Boston Dirt Dogs located at the right of the page. Fan of another team? Tough shit. You'll have to find your own sites...


And Then There's These...

*So I'm talkin' with my man Frosco, whom many of you know or have come to know through my virtual scribblings, about who would disappoint us most should they be outed as a steroid user. His answers? Well, to be honest I can't really remember. But my answers were Greg Maddux, Ricky Henderson, Ken Griffey Jr., and Roberto Alomar. Maddux being outed would force me to believe anyone and everyone was dirty, but the other 3 I could believe. It would crush me as badly as any of these announcements could, but I would believe it...

Then, not even 24 hours after having a conversation about a guy whose name probably comes up 2-3 times a year, this bombshell drops...

Ex Files Suit That Says Alomar Has AIDS: http://www.thestar.com/Sports/article/586317

In this day and age, I couldn't help but have my mind move right to needles/steroids as the cause, but I was wrong. And after finding out the "real" reason, according to the girlfriend, I couldn't help but wish that a needle was the least of the foreign objects that were being forcibly shoved in his ass...

New Mexican ass rape? Say it aint so, Robbie. Say it aint so...

PS - I easily could have ended that story with a mention of the sexual act known as the "Houdini", but I decided any reference to spitting on someone just wouldn't be all that appropriate. I gotta retain some class, right?


*Back to A-Rod real quick. What was the deal with Peter Gammons basically giving him a pass in that exclusive interview? There were no follow up questions of note at all, and at every turn Peter just sat there and took Alex for his word. Could it be that Boston's long time Commish has finally gone soft in his old age? I hope that's not the case. I mean, I know Peter has long admired Alex, and that could have been the reason he didn't go balls out, but if that's how you feel then don't accept the job in the first place! Geez, Petey. We as die hard baseball fans expected more from ya...


*Former Eagles WR, notorious blabbermouth, and later middle school substitute, Freddie Mitchell, got in some trouble this week when he signed for a package containing 7 pounds of marijuana. Smart, man. Real smart...

And remember how he said "thank God for my hands" during Philly's run to the '05 Super Bowl? Well I say it takes about 5 minutes for some huge dude named "Sweet Maurice" to ask to see how great those hands really are once he hits the federal pen...

Now gimmie your cocktail.....fruit!!!


*Best stat I've heard in quite some time:

The North Carolina Tar Heels men's basketball team is 2-0 on days in which Brett Favre announces his retirement.

Nice sense of humor, ESPN. Now if only you could do somethin' about how the boom mic picks up on the sound Dan Jacobsen's thighs make while she waddles to and from Skip Bayless' little table. It's like a piece of sand paper fighting with a honey glazed ham...


*Remember how all the dopes in the media said Jason Varitek turning down arbitration cost him $10 million, and how I said that wasn't the case? Well, check it out kids. If Varitek was definitely gonna make at least $10 million, then explain this...

Uggla Awarded $5.35 mil in Arbitration: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3902735

The Marlins had a #, Uggla and his people had a #, and the arbitrator was forced to chose one. Plain and simple.

So again. Jason Varitek wasn't promised shit by going to arbitration, and it's this type of gross negligence that makes the normal fan sound like a complete tardzilla...


*When Sirius and XM introduced their satellite radio product to the world, I was one of the precious few who just didn't get it. Radio without ads? That's like Serena Williams giving birth. I just didn't see any way it was physically possible. Turns out, maybe I wasn't as crazy as I seemed...

XM/Sirius Could Be Fucked:
http://money.cnn.com/2009/02/11/markets/thebuzz/index.htm?cnn=yes


*Only in a year when an African American was elected President of the United States, could someone like Tyler Perry get away with something like this...

What? I know racism isn't cool, but when you dangle a piece of raw meat in front of a snarling dog like myself, don't be upset/surprised when that rabid beast takes a vicious bite. A TV show about a black family called Meet the Browns? Really??? Isn't that considered baiting or something? It's just too easy to make fun of, is what it is. And it turns out I;m just not mature enough to let thie golden ticket slip through my fingers...

Check out my ideas for the next TBS family sticom...

Coming to TV near you. John Rocker's: Meet the White's. Starring Tom Sizemore, as Mr. White. A lovable yet flawed man who makes a living as a queer chaser and beater...

OR

Geoge Lopez Presents: Meet the Beaners. Cheech Marin stars as Taco Gonzalez, a Mexican immigrant turned border patrol agent who oddly enough, now hates Mexicans...

They sure sound like winners to be! Sign me up, TBS. I'll be sitting here waiting for you to dump that truck full of loot in my driveway, just like you did for Perry's untalented ass...

Freakin frauds make me wanna puke...from disgust though, not from a stomach virus or from too much booze...


Al Gore's Greatest Hits

Slow week on the web, at least for me, so I decided to go with a classic. A&E recently started airing the last season of the Sopranos again on Sunday nights, and I figure what better way to get into the spirit, than to relive the final scene that had all of us talking the next day at the water cooler.

Don't stop!....





Oh, and I forgot about these Teds. They may have too much time on their hands, but I'll be damned if they don't make this shit look smooth...






So there you have it.

We laughed, we cried, I made a few off color remarks. All things considered you should have really enjoyed yourself and had a pretty good time...



And speaking of off color jokes. If you really can't get enough of yours truly, boy do I have a treat in store for you. For those of you that will be stuck working President's Day this Monday, make sure to tune your radio to 790 AM on your way to work between 6-10 AM, and catch me doing local news updates on Imus in the Morning. NO, I won't be with Imus, or even in the same state, but I'll be dishing out the local Rhode Island news in between the old man's rants. It'll be my maiden voyage doing news, so while there may be a few bumps in the road, you don't wanna miss out on the ground floor. It's just another step on the ladder baby, as I move my way to the top rung by rung...

(those of you who might want to try and listen on the web, just go to http://trueoldies790.com/)

And all without the use of performance enhancers. Imagine that...


Have a great weekend kids, and a special Happy Valentines to all the lovers out there. Me, I've been told I'm a hater, so I'll be drinking beer...

Get some...

100...

Monday, February 09, 2009

College Hoops Top 25 (2/9): UCONN Being UCONN?


Why hello again, my misguided friends. Hope you all had a fantastic weekend...

Me? Well thanks for asking. My weekend was great as well, aside from the fact that I spent most of Saturday fending off a stomach demon with mass amounts of Gatorade and Tylenol. Short version of the story is that I beat that virus' ass, and it won't be bothering me again. While the long version entails me, bent over a trash can, with my body in a constant state of John Daly-like shaking. And the worst part is, I didn't even have Fuzzy Zoeller there to tell me everything was gonna be OK, and steer me towards the fullest bottle of Jack Daniels and the best table Hooters has to offer...

But enough about me and how me insides became my outsides. I'm sure there are a lot of other topics you'd love to hit on....

Like how Manny is romping around Pensacola, leaving bad tips and being mistaken for a Jamaican...which rhymes by the way, and don't think I didn't notice...

Or maybe you wanna talk about how again, Tiger Woods beat Neal Donahue to the punch and had himself another kid....Charles Axel Woods, to be exact. He's still got nothin' on my man Aaron "the Papelbon of Sperm" Danho. But then again, who does? Maybe Shawn Kemp and that's it...

Perhaps you wanna discuss how the Lakers are now the odds on favorites to win it all, even without Andrew Bynum. And what the Hell happened to Lamar Odom? Is it possible that this guy just realized, after 10 seasons in the NBA, how to actually utilize his amazing God given gifts? Maybe it's that URI education, or lack there of, finally kicking into gear...

And maybe, just maybe, your interested in this whole Alex Rodriguez steroid thing. Should we call him A-Fraud, A-Roid, A-Ted, or maybe the grossly racist, Purple Lipstick Border Jumper. All viable options, but deciding on which one to choose can really be a head scratcher...

But no. Those topics will all have to wait until Friday. Because if it's Monday in the Nation, it's time for College Hoops. And with the season truly kicking into high gear this week with a myriad of big time matchups, that's far from what anyone would dare refer to as a "bad thing"...

So saddle up to the buffet that is my brain, good citizens. And dine on the finest Top 25 cuisine you're gonna find for the week of February 9th, 2009...

I'm like the Kobe, while the rest are just ground chuck. And not the rapist Kobe that has no friends, I'm talking about the delicious Japanese cows that live a life better than that of most West Virginians...

Rooch Nation College Hoops Top 25

1. Pittsburgh (20-2) 1

When the week began, I was convinced that the winner of the UCONN/Louisville game would hold the #1 spot in this week's poll. Alas, despite UCONN's thumping of Rick Pitino's Cardinals, my hard on for the Panthers remains, and Jamie Dixon's boys still occupy the Nation's top spot.

Fact of the matter is, with their plethora of offensive weapons, presence in both the front and back courts, and all around stellar defense, it's gonna take some sort of huge beatdown for me to even consider sliding the Panthers back off of their #1 perch...

2. UCONN (22-1) 2

Games like the one against Michigan are the reason I'm still on the fence when it comes to the uber-talented Huskies. Questions like, "What the Hell is Calhoun doing with Stanley Robinson?", and "Can AJ Price really control a crucial game in the closing minutes?" keep bugging me, and never seem to get answered...

And let's not even talk about how bad this team becomes when Thabeet gets in foul trouble or when the Huskies are forced into making jump shots...

It's weird. Most of the players on the roster would be tagged as "versatile athletes", yet the team itself lacks any real versatility at all. In short. If you can get this team in the half court, they might be rather easy to beat...

It's just forcing that tempo which could be mighty tough...

3. North Carolina (21-2) 3

4. UCLA (19-4) 6

5. Louisville (17-4) 4

Just when you think you have a team figured out, they go out and get stomped out at home. Never a good thing for your frame of reference...

Never fear, though. Anyone watching the UCONN/Louisville game could tell that, for one reason or another, the Cards just didn't have their "A" game. Maybe it was that UCONN took them out of their comfort zone, but I'm not so easily convinced that's the case. Instead, I have a gut feeling we might be pointing to this loss a month or so from now as the turning point in Louisville's season. Ya know, the "good" loss that made them look in the mirror and get back to doing what had made them so successful in the first place...

Just a thought...

6. Oklahoma (23-1) 7

Dear Oklahoma,

Play and beat someone decent, and then maybe I'll consider giving you the credit all the National pundits seem content on just spoon feeding you.

Sincerely,
Hubert Pubis & The Dudes

PS - We loved Blake Griffin's dunks so much against Colorado we had to make sure everyone got a look. And by "we", I mean The Dudes. Hubert Pubis wasn't all that impressed. He's stubborn like that. Although he claims he has a new drug that won't make you sick, and also may have some ideas on how to fix your flux capacitor...




7. Marquette (20-3) 5

8. Arizona St. (17-5) 10

9. Michigan St. (19-4) 11

10. Duke (20-3) 8

11. Villanova (18-4) 14

Again, this is not your average poll, so don't think that average logic still applies...

Villanova hasn't simply risen based on the fact they've been winning, butrather because of how impressive their wins have been, and how consistent they have proven to be...

Example: Since the start of '09, Jay Wright's Wildcats only losses have come @ Marquette by 7, against L'ville by 1 and @ UCONN by 6. Combine that with their 5-2 road mark, and their 5 game winning streak, and that's how you go from outside the top 25 to #11 in just a matter of weeks...

12. Wake Forest (17-4) 9

13. Xavier (20-3) 12

14. Memphis (20-3) 24

Coach Cal's Tiger's get the high riser award this week thanks to a convincing win in Spokane against the Gonzaga Bulldogs. Now, not only are they 8-0 in Conference USA, but they are one of the few teams out there with two convincing out of conference wins since league play began (@ Tenn)...

Like I always say, nothing impresses a pollster like an out of conference win during conference play. We're all lemmings like that...

15. Kansas (19-4) 21

16. LSU (18-4) 23

Thanks to a few losses by Kentucky, Trent Johnson and his LSU Tigers have taken over as my #1 team in the SEC. And yes, I have been purposely saying a lot of coaches names this week in reference to their teams. Why? Because I'm here to inform, people! And what good are you to me in an argument if you're not freaking informed!...

17. Purdue (18-5) 22

18. Kentucky (16-7) 15

19. Washington (16-6) 18

20. Davidson (20-4) 19

Make no mistake. Davidson did NOT drop a spot in the rankings because they suffered a 1 point loss to the College of Charleston. It's just a little reshuffling, that's all...

21. Butler (21-2) 17

22. Gonzaga (17-5) 13

23. Miami (FL) (15-8) NR

I knew the Canes had it in 'em! Finally, I can slide a 3rd ACC team into my top 25, and it's NOT named the Clemson Tigers...

Although, to be completely honest, just to stay in the top 25 Miami is probably going to have to put up a great fight this week against UNC. Ya know, because they have recently lost to Maryland, NC State, and Virginia Tech. And they did lose to UNC by 17 just a few weeks ago...

Good thing it's all about how you're playin' right now!...

24. Syracuse (18-6) 20

25. Texas (15-7) 16

Texas + Syracuse = LOOK OUT BELOW!!!!!!

The Orange need to get healthy, and fast. While the Longhorns need to...well I have no idea, but they better start doing it quick. They've lost their last 3, 5 of their last 10, and sit at just 6th in the Big XII at 4-4...


just missed: Florida; West Virginia; California; Ohio St.; Utah St.; Illinois; Creighton; South Carolina; Clemson; Tennessee

dropped: (25) St. Mary's

AP + ESPN/USA Today Top 25 Rankings:

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/rankings


Not much movement in the power rankings this week, but the Big 10's performance of late has encouraged me to slide them ahead of the SEC into the #4 spot. Sure everyone from 4 on down is a great distance from the top 3, but the recent play of Ohio St., and the though of what Purdue could be with a healthy Robbie Hummel really have me intrigued at what this league could do in the post season. After all, they do get prized recruits, and they do have great coaches, right? So why count them out just because their teams constantly struggle to score 50+ points?

Ugly does not equal bad, kids. (that would have been so much more effective if I knew how to make the "not equals" sign on my computer, but I hope I still got the point across)...


Conference Power Rankings
1. Big East 1

2. Pac 10 2

3. ACC 3

4. Big 10 5

5. SEC 4

6. Big XII 6

7. Mountain West 7

8. WAC 10

9. Atlantic 10 8

10. Conference USA NR

dropped: (9) West Coast Conference




Here's your free college hoops gut check. If you look at the list of games below, and don't immediately get some version of wood, then you're not really a true college basketball fan...

There, I said it...


This Week's Slate

2/9
West Virginia @ Pittsburgh (ESPN 7 pm)
Kansas @ Missouri (ESPN 9 pm)


2/10
Michigan St. @ Michigan (ESPN 7 pm)
Marquette @ Villanova (ESPN 2 7:30 pm)
Oklahoma St. @ Texas
Florida @ Kentucky (ESPN 9 pm)
Clemson @ Boston College



2/11
Syracuse @ UCONN (ESPN 7 pm)
North Carolina @ Duke (ESPN 9 pm)
Penn St. @ Purdue
Wake Forest @ NC State
Xavier @ Dayton (ESPN 2 7 pm)
Tulsa @ Memphis
LSU @ Mississippi St.
Oklahoma @ Baylor (ESPN 2 9 pm)



2/12
UCLA @ Arizona St. (ESPN 9 pm)
Louisville @ Notre Dame
Temple @ St. Joseph's
USC @ Arizona
Gonzaga @ St. Mary's (ESPN 2 11 pm)
Oregon St. @ Washington


2/13
Penn @ Brown
Villanova @ West Virginia (ESPN 9 pm)

Finally a decent Friday night game to help me get through work, and it doesn't start until I'm about to leave! Can I catch a break here, or what?...

2/14
Georgetown @ Syracuse (ESPN 12 pm)
UCLA @ Arizona (CBS 1 pm)
Minnesota @ Penn St.
South Carolina @ Alabama
Vanderbilt @ Tennessee
Kansas @ Kansas St. (ABC 3:30 pm)
Florida St. @ Wake Forest
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (ESPN 4 pm)
Creighton @ Southern Illinois (ESPN 2 5:05 pm)
Mississippi @ LSU
Western Kentucky @ Troy
Portland @ St. Mary's



2/15
Duke @ Boston College
North Carolina @ Miami (FL)
USC @ Arizona St.


Again, if you're not frothing at the mouth after looking at that lineup, then you might wanna take a gander in your pantalones and check to see if you actually do still have balls. They should be those two round things right below the thing you pee with and waive in traffic when you've had a few too many Smirnoff Ice's...

Player of the Week

Jack McClinton, Miami (FL)

When I put Miami in my top 25 to start the season, McClinton was the main reason. Coming off of years when he averaged 16.7 and 17.7 points, I figured this would be the year where J-Mac (not the retarted kid from SportsCenter) took his place as one of the elite guards in the ACC...

Well he hadn't really done that, until now. Two games this week, against Wake Forest and Duke, and McClinton totaled a gaudy 66 points, 11 3-pointers, and went 23 of 37 from the field (62%). Not too shabby, eh?

Now the problem, as it has been all season long, is to get J-Mac some help to perhaps lighten the load. He averages almost 20 a game, while his closest teammate, and the only other Cane in double figures, barely gets 11 a contest. Not really the balance you're lookin' for when it comes tournament time...



And just like that, it's time to call it a day. I know! I thought we were just getting started too! But what can you do? Only so many hours in a day, right? Even for a prodigious and diligent sports pimp such as myself...

Check back on Friday as I'll hit on all the topics I mentioned above, unless of course the news cycle deems them irrelevant by then, in which case I'll be talking about other stuff!

And one more thing. And by that I mean 2...


1) If you're still having trouble posting comments due to the fact that Frosco has premenatnly screwed my shit up, feel free to leave me some love on my Facebook Networked Blogs page. They actually have a comment section that works, leading me to believe the small Italian man they have running things actually might know what he's doing...



AND 2) You should all be watching The Flight of the Conchords every Sunday night @ 10 pm on the Home Box Office. It took a little time for the show to grow on me, but now I'm a full fledged man. I figure if you like what I do here, then it's not that big of a stretch to think you might find their stuff humorous as well. I mean, one of the guys is named Bret after all. And just because he left that all important second "T" off the end of his name, doesn't make him a bad dude...



And that's all he wrote. Not "she", because I am most decidedly a dude. And now I'm wondering why it is referred to as all "she" wrote anyway, when we all know that men are most definitely better writers than women. I mean, if the saying was "that's all she cleaned", then maybe it would be a little more realistic...


Enjoy your week...

100...