Friday, November 13, 2009

NFL Week 10 Picks: The Droid & The Sports Ted

Derek Jeter. Mariano Rivera. Andy Pettitte. Jorge Posada...

Don't worry, I'm not launching into some pseudo-justified Yankee love-fest on ya. I'm just letting you know, in the clever way that I do, that I know I forgot to write my promised and much ballyhooed article comparing Yankee fans and Red Sox fans...

But hey, what can I say? Had I known 7 days ago that Bill Simmons was going to out himself as the arrogant Ted that he really is, and that I would come into possession of the greatest media device since the Walkman, then maybe I wouldn't have made such a lofty promise. A promise to separate the Freuds from the Frauds, and explain once and for all why it is I've never embodied the typical Boston hatred of the New York Yankees...

But here we are. I have the new Droid, from Verizon, and I'm struggling with the reality that I'd gone this long without it. I mean, really? I made it this far in life without having this thing?!?! Simply astonishing...

I mean I haven't even delved into 5% of what this thing can do, and I'm already amazed at how much easier it has made my life. I know a lot of you were far out ahead of me on the smart phone curve, but I believe my patience in waiting for a truly amazing Verizon device has finally paid off. Sure, having a Blackberry or a Voyager or whatever would have been good enough to tide me over, but I think the waiting has made me all that more appreciative...

So get ready to be bombarded by yours truly on the Al Gore Information Network more and more frequently. After all, it's in my pocket now. And there's no denying the sweet siren song of the Al Gore Network when it's only a few thumb bumps away...

Droid: It's hotter than kitten mittens, and Hell, it will probably find your lost cat, too...

Then there's Bill Simmons...

This past week, courtesy of a run in with Boston Sports radio superpower, WEEI, "The Sports Ted" has finally shown his true colors as an arrogant, unaccountable, "know it all". He proved that he'd rather hide behind his computer and his legion of blind and ignorant fans than stand up and take responsibility, or accept an invitation to a legitimate battle of wits and wills. He truly is the antithesis of everything I hope to become, and for years I've cringed when compared to him. I've always thought he was an "all talk" type of guy that represented the worst side of Boston sports and it's fans, when claiming to be doing the exact opposite. And this week, he went a long way towards proving me right. The tactics he used when dealing with WEEI's "The Big Show", were not only childish and unprofessional, but they proved, at least to me, once and for all that this guy is less the "passionate fan" he claims to be, and more the "whiny poser" that many, including yours truly, have labeled him as for close to a decade...

But hey, who am I? Read the article for yourself, and tell me what you think. I've already received some pretty powerful feedback from a few Simmons' fans ranging from "Wow, I still like him, but I wish he hadn't done that" to "So he's basically a huge pussy, huh?"...

I think we all know where I'd sit on that tempestuous scale, but like I said, I encourage you to read through the timeline of events, and judge for yourself...Oh, and if you were to look at that scale on a piece of paper or say, the Internet?, it would look something like this...

The "0", to represent that you still like Simmons, would be a picture of Bill being coated in various "liquids" by the likes of Bird, Orr, Borque, Parrish, and his "cousin Sal". Obviously he'd be wearing a Tom Brady jersey and a pink Boston Red Sox hat while this was all goin' down...

The "10", to represent that you think Simmons is a huge Ted, is more or less one of those "Calvin" decals from Calvin and Hobbs, where Calvin is takin' a whizz right into The Sports Ted's mouth. See? It's an easy scale. Liquid based, everybody gets a good chuckle, and I get some decent feedback from God fearing sports fans who know a Ted when they smell one...

Please Die, So We Can All Live In Peace:

One last thing. how great is it that I type in "Bill Simmons tool" to Google images, and that picture of Bill and Dane Cook comes up? Hahahahaha. So appropriate. And yet another reason as to why a Google based phone, like Droid, is way cooler than anything you have in your pocket. Those 2 Teds deserve each other, and neither of them deserves a Droid...or a beard...

Now, it's on with this week's picks. And don't worry. I still got more for ole Billy Boy where that came from, and I still have plenty to spew about the Sox, Yanks & NCAA Hoops, so stay tunin' in. Plus, you never know when I'm gonna blast you from my Droid with some random video of two old guys duking it out on the side of the road. OH, man! Imagine if I had this phone when that went down?!? I'd be an Internet millionaire by now, and I'd be having this typed for me by a topless Ivy Leaguer turned Playmate turned personal assistant on my porch in sunny Malibu...

Ahhh, Internet money. Ain't nothin' in the world sweeter than that...

Which brings me to these. Enjoy...

Week 10 Picks
New England Patriots (+3)
@ Indianapolis Colts UNDER 51

Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Tom Brady! PEYTON MANNING!!!
OK, dudes, we get it. They're both really good. If you favor championships, Tom's your man. If you're down with raw stats, then it's Peyton. 6 of one and pick 'em, as the saying goes, and as big a Brady fan as I am I'd have to acquiesce. If I have one game to win, or one drive to get me a score? I'm goin' with Tom. I'm picking someone to win my fantasy league's and lead a highly powerful and explosive offense? I'm probably picking Peyton Manning. 2007 aside, Manning has Brady crippled in numbers. Not that I hold the numbers in as high esteem as the winning, but seeing as they can't actually "play each other", the numbers do go a long way towards determining whose been more productive...

Like I said, it's a dog chasing it's tale type of argument that we could talk about all day and the talk shows have talked about all week, so let's leave it be. Besides, if I'm right about what I'm seeing for this match up, it should be more about defense than it is about offense, anyway...

Both Indy and New England are ranked top 8 in points against, and both have the same type of match up questions heading into their Sunday Night showdown. The Pats need to decide whether they want to try and eliminate the "inside" passing game with Dallas Clark, Austin Collie and the "Peter Garson's Project", or try to take away Reggie Wayne on the outside. The Colts, have the same issue when it comes to the short Patriot passing attack, featuring Wes Welker and Ben Watson, versus the constant deep threat Randy Moss...

Similar problems, and while I won't claim to know how they're going to address them, I do like their chances of "figuring it out". These offenses are plenty good, we all know that. That's why, in a game like this, the focus turns to the defense more than ever...

Look for both teams to employ the Belichickian "bend but don't break" style of defense, leading to a lot of ball movement, but not a ton of scoring. Field goals and failed 4th downs should the calling card in this one, leading to a classic ending where the "new Vinatieri" take his place where he rightly belongs. As the best kicker in the NFL...

Pats 23 Colts 20

Hey, I figure if he's gonna be like Adam, he has to kick the FG when the game is tied, right?

Tennessee Titans (-6) vs Buffalo Bills

Not gonna lie to ya kids. A tad short on time this week, and a little nicked up thanks to the carpel tunnel I think I copped from usin' my Droid too much, so there won't be a ton on the rest of these tilts. That's not to say I didn't do my due diligence in regards to making my selections. It's just that I don't have as much time as I'd like to release my spectacular vernacular and perfectly pontificate my thoughts and beliefs. Well I mean, I did have time, but I spent it bitching about Bill Simmons, and dreaming of topless, naughty school girls who definitely experimented a little with chick on chick action in college. It's cool, all us guys know all you "cool" chicks tried it out. And believe me, we're down...

In this game, I like the fact that my man, Jeff Fisher has got his crew rolling again and playing hard. The 49ers are a pretty good team, and for Tennessee to go out there and beat them by 7 shows to me they're more than capable of controlling the Bills. Especially on their home turf...

I don't know if Vince Young has been the reason this team's turned it around, and I don't care. I just know they're playing good football right now, and that should be enough to beat the Bills by a touchdown...

New Orleans Saints (-13.5) @ St. Louis Rams

This has "backdoor cover" written all over it for the Rams, but that won't stop me from making this my lock of the week. I don't think the Saints, or anyone for that matter, is going undefeated this year, but I just don't see this as the week they trip up. Drew Brees has proven himself time and time again as a great leader and a very focused player, so I'd be surprised if he allowed his boys to take a breather this week just because their opponent is 1-7...

Lock it up, Beard lovers. Try to push that streak to a solid 10 straight. That'd be beard-tastic!...

San Diego Chargers (-2) vs Philadelphia Eagles

Two shady, unpredictable teams that I wouldn't piss on if they were burning to death and I really had to pee. I'd rather die by poisoning my own body with my urine than save these teams should they all happen to get in some horrific plane accident, still be alive, and be on the side of the road writhing in pain while their flesh burns at such a rate that it fuses to their organs...

That being, said. While I think the Eagles are the better team, I don't trust them on the road. Especially after that sketchy tank job they pulled at home against the Cowboys last week...

Not sure how they'll get it done exactly, but I'm taking the Chargers, and crossing my fingers Non-Rogers Cromartie pulls some sort of pick 6 or maybe a 134 yard field goal return for a "Dan Cortese" like 15 pointer...

What? It could happen...

Green Bay Packers (+3) vs Dallas Cowboys

As long as DeMarcus Ware doesn't kill Rodgers before halftime, scalp his beard off, and pin it to his belt like a lucky rabbit's beard, then I like the Pack's chances of using week 10 to right their ship. The loss at Tampa Bay had to have been a wake up call, and I just don't see a team this talented losing 3 straight, and falling below .500...

A rare 3 points for the Packers at Lambeau. I say take it, run with it, and pray Rodgers stays upright until at least midway through the 3rd. Not just for his sake, and for the sake of your betting dollars. But for my fantasy team. Between my team, and the team I help co-manage, I haven't lost in over a month and have totaled 11 straight wins overall. And seeing as having the SF defense on my bench last night didn't' exactly get me off to the best of starts, I'm gonna really need Rodgers to keep doin' his thing in order to keep this delicious fantasy train headed in the right direction...

Choo-Choo, mother fucker. It's the Beard-man comin' through...

Washington Redskins (+4) vs Denver Broncos

I was told this week, by someone who I've privately labeled the sketchiest degenerate gambler I've ever met, that you "always pick a home team getting points against a team that lost the previous Monday Night"...

So here's to me, proving him wrong, while, at the same time, putting myself in the wondrous and always prosperous, "win-win situation". Either I pad my record (which could use some padding if you hadn't noticed), or I get to call out this fraudzilla for the...well...the fraudzilla that he is. It's really quite the beautiful thing...

If I'm you, I don't touch this game with a Ted-foot pole...

Arizona Cardinals (-8.5) vs Seattle Seahawks

I had decently high hopes for the Seahawks when the season started, but as they struggled to win last week at home against the Lions, I've officially given up on them when it has anything to do with them playing anyone decent, or anyone on the road...

This week, they have to do both. Oh, and if you want some stats to back this up, try these out...

Seattle on the road this year: 0-3 (SF, IND, DAL)

Average # lost by in road games: 17

Result vs Arizona on October 18th in Seattle: Loss, 27-3


And you know what? I was so convinced by those numbers, that I'm adding this game to the Bearded Lock ledger as well. Two Beard's, one cup, baby!

Eww. OK, just two beards. No cup. That's just disgusting. I apologize for even getting a semblance of those awful images stuck in your head...

And if you think that's gross, you might not want to continue...

Kansas City Chiefs (+2.5) @ Oakland Raiders

See? Didn't I warn ya? Truly disgusting...

Even better, I'm taking similar numbers to the one's I just used to justify making the Cardinals a lock, and using them to against the Raiders. For instance. Oakland already beat Kansas City @ Kansas City. By the logic in the previous game, that would mean I'd have to pick Oakland. But alas! Figures lie and liars figure, and never has that been more appropriate than here at Rooch Nation...Expect for the fact that I never lie. But you get what I'm sayin'...

My logic here, is that unlike with Seattle and Arizona, these two teams are pretty much equally shitty. Therefore, neither is worthy of a season series sweep, which would mean the Chiefs will come out victorious. Also, I sprinkled in a dash of the fact that I'm 4-1 against the spread this year when picking the Chiefs as an underdog. Granted 3 of those wins came when they were playing at the friendly confines of Arrowhead Stadium or whatever they might be calling that thing now, but I figure keeping the faith and rolling the dice against the lowly Raiders can't be all that much of a risk...

In a game like this, there is no real winner, anyway. So don't feel bad if you lose. It's like a tree falling in the Amazon. The only one that's gonna hear it, is Sting. And who cares what he thinks. Freakin' Eurotrash...

Games that are going to end up haunting me because I should have made them Top Picks: Dolphins (-10), Vikings (-16)...

That is all...

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Jets UNDER 40

Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers UNDER 42.5

Minnesota Vikings (-16) vs Detroit Lions

Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers OVER 43

Miami Dolphins (-10) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Monday Night
Baltimore Ravens (-10.5) @ Cleveland Browns

You know who's a great coach? Eric Mangini...

I can't wait for his book From Mangenius to Mangina: The Erica Mangini Story. And by book, I mean Lifetime movie starring Andy Milonakis as Eric Mangini. That's right. I said Andy Milonakis. What of it? You laughed when you read it, didn't you? And what? You sayin' the kid doesn't deserve to get some semi-legitimate roles? Why? Because he's a fat Ted that had a sketchy TV show and made his money talking about how orange juice raped his father and how he had a Bruce Lee head?

Hmmm. Those are all valid points. And while I'm watching the Ravens smoke the Browns like a stale Virginia Slim dipped in lighter fluid, I'll rethink me views on Mr. Milonakis, and ponder whether or not I've given the kid too much credit...

Now if you'd excuse me, cuz I gots to get my tree fed...

Last Week: 8-5-1 (Top Picks: 4-5-1)

Overall: 74-57-4 (.563)

Top Picks: 33-34-3 (.493)

Lock of the Week: 9-1-0 (.900)

Here I go! Here I am! Uncle Rooch! Thank ya ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Rooch, here I am, while you eat!

Not sure why that was stuck in my head, but when you crush the competition when it comes to picking college games, you don't need to make sense! You just need to pick winners. So here's another batch. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward...

Uncle Rooch! Here I am! Eat your 'em...

Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag:

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Florida (-15.5) vs South Carolina

(2) Texas (-23.5) @ Baylor

(3) Alabama (-11.5) @ Mississippi St.

(4) TCU (-18.5) vs (16) Utah

(5) Cincinnati (-9) vs West Virginia

(6) Boise St. (-31.5) vs Idaho

(7) Georgia Tech (-12) @ Duke

(8) Pittsburgh (-7) vs Notre Dame

(9) LSU (-24) vs Louisiana Tech

(10) Ohio St. (-15) vs (15) Iowa

(25) Stanford (+11.5) @ (11) USC

North Carolina (+3.5) vs (12) Miami

(13) Houston (-4) @ UCF

(14) Oregon (-18) vs Arizona St.

(17) Oklahoma St. (-3) vs Texas Tech

(18) Arizona (+3.5) @ California

Indiana (+25.5) @ (19) Penn St.

Maryland (+19.5) vs (20) Virginia Tech

Michigan (+9) @ (21) Wisconsin

New Mexico (+26.5) vs (22) BYU

Last Week: 14-7-1

Overall: 94-57-4 (.619)

There ya go, boys and girls. Another chapter in the perverted tale that is my life combined with gambling advice and random TV shows clips. Not a bad existence, if I do say so myself. Plus the French benefits are great!...

What? So we don't get French benefits? Ha! Now that, was a great commerical...

Have a good Friday the 13th, kids. And have a great weekend...

If you need me, you can Droid me. And now if I don' respond right away, you an rest assured that I;m ignoring you. Gone are the days where I could hide behind inadequate technology. We now live in a day and time where if I'm ignoring you, it's because you've either bored me to death, or I've deemed you not worthy of battery time on my other worldy device...

Sponge-worthy? Try Droid-worthy. Do you make the cut? Take the plunge, and find out. And, uh. Do somethin' about those sideburns...

Mattingly, cut those sideburns!! Ahhh I could go on all day.../ I really cant...

Teddy Williams...


Brett Ferruccio said...

Rooch, this is Frosco using your account. Reading this blog made me enable comments again, so people can share their thoughts on your brash and crazy commentary. I'm not even sure if this is going to work, since I f'd around with the code a while ago, but it seems to be ok so far. That being said I choose not to comment on the Patriots, Bill Simmons or any of your predictions. I simply want to say that I will go on record saying that I loved the Andy Milonakis Show. There, I said it.

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