Pages

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tom Terrific and The Elderly Onslaught...



Oh. Hey. Funny running into you here, friend. Glad you could join me. If you wouldn't mind, I ask that you secure yourself a cold beverage, close any instant messaging service or social networkign site as to not be dsitracted, and proceed to get your learn on by digesting the delicious brain food that I'm about to lay out before you like a greasy buffet. I may not have any facts or figures, but what I lack in evidence, I'm sure to make up for with insensitivity, humor, and perhaps even a little bit of insight...

So thanks for stopping by, loyal readers. And I hope you enjoy...

To start out, I wanna I just wanna make sure we're all on the same page, here, so I feel a little disclosure is in order. As I sit down to pen this post, I'm a mere hour removed from watching 2 gentleman in their mid to upper 60s having a road rage induced fist fight in the middle of the street...

Yeah, You read that right...

So I was driving down Rt 44 in Rehoboth, MA, when this happened...



As I come to the base of a steep hill, I can see some sort of skirmish up ahead in the distance. I see these two guys pushing each other, basically right in the middle of the other lane, with their cars "hurriedly" parked nearby, they too being basically right in the middle of the road. As I get closer, I was forced to stop due to construction ahead. As I come to a stop, just a few feet from these two gentleman, I see what appears to be the two hugging it out and smiling. OK, so maybe it was just two guys who had seen each other, and were stopping to greet each other because they had the benefit of no oncoming traffic in their opposing lane. (apparently traffic was stopped in both directions) You know, old people do weird shit like that. I figure, back when cars first came out, and cell phones didn't exist, an encounter like this was akin to a Tweet or a text message...


But no! As I come to a complete stop, a mere 5-10 feet from these geezers in the other lane, I see this is not a friendly interaction at all, and that these two are seriously pissed at one another. In the time it took for me to deliberate whether or not it was even worth it for me to dig through my pockets for my crappy camera phone (I still love my phone, but by modern standards, the video camera is beat sauce), one guy kicked the other in the hip, and was greeted in turn with a fist upside the neck and face, that knocking his trucker hat (complete with VFW logo) and old dude sunglasses right to the pavement. Bam! Old man justice! And in the middle of the street no less...and at 11:30 in the morning!!!

Haha, WOW! I'm not sure what shocked me more. The fact that old guy #2 could get his leg up that high, or the fact that old guy #1 was able to provide an adequate rebuttal, causing me to simultaneously wince in discomfort and think of what the AND1 mixtape announcer would have said in that situation. Ohhhhh, BAYY-BY!

I mean, if you kick me in the hip, that might be all she wrote. I may be decent sized, but anyone that knows me, knows that 100% of my strength lies somewhere between my cerebral cortex, and my right wrist. But these guys were just completely insane. Old bastards just scrappin' in the street in the middle of the day like it's the Wild West. Come to think of it, there was a bar nearby and I did see some tumbleweed pass by at one point...

So now, I look around. Am I going to have to somehow intervene? As we've determined, these crazy old guys would probably leave me in the street and steal my social security information, so the last thing I wanna do is get out of my whip and have them stomp me out with their orthopedics.

Thankfully I immediately saw several people in the nearby parking lot walking over to the scene, so I decided then and there I was in the clear. Mind you, it's been less than a minute, yet I'm still sitting in that same traffic line...

Do I now take my phone out, hoping to get some evidence to back up my hilarious story? Do I make a smart ass comment that only 3 people will hear, but will all find incredibly hysterical and on point? Well wouldn't you know it, my indecision bit me in the ass again. No sooner had I decided to make a snide remark, and one old guy had spit in the general direction of the other, hopped in his ride, cut off the original old guy, who too was now back in his car, and sped off down the road...

Ahhh, opportunity lost. Oh well. It just to further my reasoning behind why I pen my thoughts on this virtual web space week in and week out. I mean hey, I'd wanna know about this stuff it was happening to you...

OK. With that out of the way, and now that you truly have a sense of where my head's at this week, it's on to recap the week that was in the NFL. And what better place to start, than last night's Ruckus @ The Razor...



Patriots Update
Record:
1-0
Last Week: New England Patriots 25 Buffalo Bills 24

Next Week: @ NY Jets (1-0)

If I had a nickel for each Patriot fan that sent me a text last night resigning to the fact that the Pats had dropped their season opener, I would have had enough to walk downstairs during the game @ work, and purchase like 17 things from the vending machine. Granted there's nothing worth buying in there expect the Snickers, which is like 2 beans, but I still would have been rolling in nearly expired, sugary goodness...

But really, people. Could it be that I, the constant realist and borderline pessimist, is the only one that still has confidence in Tom Brady in the clutch? I would have thought the pink hats would have been with me 100%, but @ 24-13, even they were running for the heated seats in their SUVs...

Example: While at work, I have Frosco, my good friend and fellow Patriot fan, texting me telling, me to look forward to the beat down the Pats were gonna lay on whoever they played next week in order to make up for this dismal performance....That was early in the 4th quarter. Now I know Frosco, and I know he wasn't necessarily giving up on the game, but it's loser talk! And I can't stand, loser talk!..

What made matters worse, is that was probably the most encouraging of the 30+ texts I received between the start of the game and the 4th quarter. Not to mention all the people trying to rub in the fact that the Pats lost to the Bills...Which is even funnier considering I virtually GUARANTEE every Bills fan was sitting in front of their TV convinced that their team was still gonna blow it...

And that's how it should be. Patriot fans should always be optimistic, and Buffalo fans should always be pessimistic. That's just the way the world works. Like the Sox and Yankees circa 2003. One team finds a way to win, the other finds a way to lose, we all drive home safely, and discuss the fallout on various media outlets. It's as old as time, or at least as old as the past 6 years...



Besides, that's what healthy Tom Brady does, isn't it? I mean if this team doesn't have Tom being Tom, then what exactly do they have? I'll tell you what they have, a crappy stadium named after a crappy town, and a guy on their helmet that looks like the bastard child of Elvis and Optimus Prime. Have a little faith next time, kids. He hasn't failed us yet, and just because he was gone for a year, doesn't mean we should ever forget what he's capable of, and how he's proven it to us time and time again...

As for the game itself, I saw a lot of interesting things, but nothing to alter my thinking about how the Patriots 2009 season is going to unfold.



The O-line was bad, with Matt Light, great beard or not, leading the way. IS there still anyone out there that wants to tell me this guy isn't the most overrated player in franchise history? I know that's a bold statement, it's just I've ben frustrated for years seeing him get beat week after week, yet get lauded year in and year out as an elite tackle. Maybe he's he bought some scandalous photos from Isiah Thomas and he's using them as leverage, I don't know. I just know that if you count him as a strength on this team, then either we disagree on the definition of the word "strength", or your just a blind old fool...and you should find another blind old fool to fight you on the side of the road...and give me the heads up so I can bring the proper camera equipment...



The defense was predictably suspect, and with Mayo's injury it might only get worse. The Pats days of playing the 3-4 might be over as long as Mayo is out due to the fact they won't have the proper personnel. Could Derrick Brooks or Tedy Bruschi be in the Patriots future? Could be. But as I said when the season starts, I don't see any injury really derailing this defense, simply because I don't think it's any good. In Mayo, I see a great tackler, but I also see yet another in the Wilfork/Seymour/Warren mold. A guy that "does his job" so other guys can make plays. Seeing as there aren't really any play makers to make those plays in the first place, I doubt he'll be missed nearly as much as people will anticipate...




The pink hats are already out in full force, as many a fan was seen running for the exits with the Pats down 24-13. Ya know, because most "fans" shell out several Benjamin's for tickets, parking and concession only to leave before the game is even over. Ohhh what's that? You had to get up early for work the next day? Well then you should have watched the game on TV like everyone else, and given another person the opportunity to take your seat...

Listen, I get it. Tickets are a luxury, and if you wanna wipe your ass with yours then that's your business. I just don't wanna see your Facebook pictures plastered all over my page of you at the Pats game next to that oil Derrik lookin' thing, wearin' your Ted Johnson jersey and holding a $9 beer, if you bolted midway through the 4th quarter because you thought the game was over and you had to get ready for work. If you're gonna go to the game, stay until the end, or be prepare to be vilified. And it's not like the game ran late or anything. You knew when it was gonna end when you showed up!

Ahhh, enough. Obviously you frauds have gotten the message that you disgust me, so either click your way over to Facebook (now that I've reminded you that you've yet to take the "Which of Lady Gaga's sexual organs are you?" quiz) or continue on to what surely will be just as confusing...

Here are some notes from around the league in the wake of a rather predictable week 1...

Tackle Box


The only reason the Broncos/Bengals game ended the way it did, is because Gus Johnson was calling the game. I refuse to listen to any other explanation, and I am a stern believer that with anyone else in the booth, Cincinnati wins that game. He's the reason NCAA tourney games are close, and from here on out, I'm taking the underdog with the points in any game Gus calls. Props to Bill Simmons. He and I don't normally see eye to eye, but he predicted that result virtually dead on...



At the risk of infuriating virtually everyone that makes it a regular habit to stop by and read my thoughts, the Jets looked damn good in beating the Texans on Sunday. That's to also say I didn't think the Texans looked awful either. They weren't even a shadow of the offense the Jets will face next week when the host the Pats, but Sexy Rexy's defense still have Schaub and friends off balance all game long and looked confident in dictating the pace of the game. They're exotic blitz schemes (great term) should have the aforementioned Matt Light's neck snappin' around like Byung Hyung Kim, and while their offense isn't quite there yet, I like the compliment of weapons they have surrounding their rookie QB. Not to mention I LOVE the fact that my fantasy pimp #1, Leon Washington, is getting some serious looks as QB in the Jets version of the WildCat...

They should be a tough out next week for New England, to say the least...

If you woke up this morning with a moist feeling in and around your male parts and/or anal region, it's because you picked Drew Brees in fantasy football, and spent all of Sunday attempting to pleasure yourself as a reward for your amazing draft pick. You also might find a rash on your face from where you attempted to glue your dogs hair to your face in an attempt to replicate Brees' man mole...

You live a sad life, people. And quite frankly, you disgust me. Licking your own private area. That's just sick!...




Oh, and for the record. Drew Brees is NOT going to throw for 96 touchdowns this year AND he just gave you the best performance he's going to give you all season....Oh, and it was against Detroit! I'm also operating under the assumption that, whatever that may be on his face, he definitely took from the back of Rasheed Wallace's head. But that was pretty obvious...

You'd think from that that I lost to a team with Brees this week, but I didn't. You'll see in my fantasy update, that it was indeed a much more brutal outcome for yours truly...




Of all the predictions I made after my trip to the future, the two I feel best about after week 1 are the Packers ex-ploding, and the Eagles im-ploding. See what I did there? Clever, wasn't it?

Anyway. After watching Aaron Rodgers "just miss" on like 8 throws against one the league's best defenses, and watching the Packer D provide relentless pressure all night long, I'm almost beginning to think that at 11-5, I sold the Packers short. Between new DC Dom Capers and all the new bodies they brought in, it might be a battle all year long to see who's unit is better between Capers D and Rodgers O. And while they may not literally be battling themselves on the field, don't think that kind of in house competition doesn't help attribute to a team's success...

...and yes, I contemplated making a joke about Dom Capers unit, but I decided to pass. I figure I've already exploited old people enough this week, don't you?...



Oh and hey, Brian "My name is" Urlacher. That's what you get for taking a cheap shot at the beard! That's called karma, my good man, and it was probably a little payback from the pubic lice you somehow didn't contract while you were dating Paris Hilton. I hear her crabs even have swine flu...

Beard 1 You 0...



As for the Eagles, I told you the city of brotherly Teds would have QB issues by the start of October, and Donovan McNabb hurting his ribs in week 1 is just the type of start I had in mind. It's only a matter of weeks before Mikey Vick is runnin' around the Eagle backfield lookin' like a dog with it's head cut off...wait...


Brett Favre is back, baby! And if you've already bought into the "born again" hype, then you're about as bright as Kanye West is racially tolerant, or as Serena Williams ass is small. And speaking of her man rump, I thought it was gonna shoot straight sperm fire out of it when I saw the replay of her on court outburst. I'd say that maybe it was that "time of the month", but that's just sexually insensitive. I mean, accusing a dude of having a period is really emasculating, and you won't hear me participating in that kind of talk on my well respected website. Unless of course that she-dude is Tyler Transborough. Then anything goes...

Moral of the story. Serena's ass is huge, Kanye West hates white peeps, and The Minnesota Vikings are a bottle of Vicodin away from Favre's next pick-fest...

Moving on...

It's funny. As I look at the results from week 1, it's almost as if I can't believe I made some of those picks. But that's how it works. That's why week 1 is so difficult. Never fear though, good friends. With week 1 set squarely in my rear view mirror, week 2 and beyond should be more prosperous than a Sumo wrestler turned coke mule...


My Picks
Last Week: 7-8-0

Overall: 7-8-0

Be on the lookout next week for the season debut of my 'Top Picks' and my NCAA top 25 picks. They're sure to line your pockets. With what, is up to you...

Now, to finish up strong...and sexy. Hey, it is fantasy after all...


Fantasy Update
Thanks Ted: 0-1-0

Last Week: Thanks Ted 68 Yo-YO Ted 70

Stop me if any of this sounds vaguely familiar. Donovan McNabb throws for 79 yards, runs for 27 yards...and scores 18 points. Between Leon Washington and Arizona's defense, I missed out on 12 points by less than a full yard. DaAngelo Williams and Cadillac Williams combine for 114 yards and 2 touchdowns in the first half of their respective games, and combine to touch the ball a combined 5 times in the 2nd half. The Patriots attempt 3 field goals, score 3 touchdowns, and my kicker only scores 7 points. Yeah. That my friends, is what has this year in fantasy has come to be known simply as "par for the course"...

And believe me, I know how fantasy works, and I wouldn't continue to complain if I wasn't in the midst of a terrible run of bad luck. Luck is a huge part of fantasy, too. Not luck with draft picks or waiver wire pick ups, those are usually more about skill and knowledge. But luck within the actual games. Guys gong down on the 1, teams constantly going for 2 instead of kicking extra points. There are just certain game situations that call for abnormal plays, and the more you can avoid those situations, the better off your players will usually be. There's also the week to week match ups that could work to your disadvantage, but if you worry about those, you're bound to go insane...

That being said, I've also been a big believer throughout the years that, as corny as it sounds, positive thinking has a lot to do with your performance, too. You not only have to be confident in your own ability, but you have to be confident that if you put good players on the field, you're gonna come away with positive results more often than not. Sounds gay, I know, but if you're constantly questioning yourself and moving players around, any success you do stumble upon is bound to be based more on luck than it is on skill. Not a bad thing, winning by luck, but not something I'd count on. Especially if you've been running like me. Then again some people just have a horseshoe stuck up their ass, and to them I say...SUCK IT!...

Lucky for me, no matter how poor my team's performance, I've been able to put together a fantasy football league that's so enjoyable that the results from week to week are almost incidental. Don't get me wrong, I'm in it to win it, but it's refreshing to again be in a league where the week doesn't' start and end when you set your lineup. Props to me for setting up a great league, and props to all the participants in Straight Cash Homie IV...well, props to those of you that won't get kicked out by the end of the season...

And while I'm at, I wish all of you good luck in fantasy this year. Unless of course you're one of those Teds that simply stumbles into good draft picks and fortuitous match ups, or stops watching your team because you think you've lost, only to wake up the next morning and brag about your "clutch" victory. To you, well I hope you get jumped by an old guy on the side of the road...

That's just fantasy justice...

Have a great week, everybody! And if you see me out somewhere, and I'm scratching my beard, feel free to fire me a text. All the cool kids are doing it...

100...

0 comments:

Post a Comment