Pages

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

August, And Everything After...



September.

To say the least it's a very polarizing month. If you love Fall, the striking autumn colors, then you embrace it. If you can't stand the cold, you loathe it, and fear what's still to come...

The good side has the MLB post season, the start of the NFL, college and fantasy football, the return of Mad Men, Family Guy and Entourage, the emergence of delicious Halloween candy and the return of Samuel Adams Octoberfest. All pretty good things. Especially Entourage. I don't know what I'd do without that awesome show! All the amazing acting, comedic timing and jaw dropping plot twists! Ahhh well you know how great it is...

The bad side? Well it brings us the start of school, the end of the warm summer weather and a reminder that we all just spent the last 3+ months NOT doing all the things we claimed we were going to do for the 9 months during which the sky was gray and the ground was frozen solid...

More or less, the month of September is like a date with Serena Williams. You go into it with a lot of questions, and you're just praying that you make it out the other side without being made to curl up in the fetal position and question your manhood. OK, so maybe that's not the best metaphor, but the point remains. When it comes to September, you always enter with a lot of questions, and if you're lucky, when you come out the other end, you'll actually have found the answers you were looking for...




Lucky for you, I already have the answers to many of those questions that are burning through your skull like a Keith Richards Marb Red. Fresh off my latest Delorian smoke ride with one Dr. Emmett Brown, I've returned from October 2009, (with a brief stopover in 2008 to use my Gray's Sports Almanac to bet on a couple of dog fights at Michael Vick's house), and I have all the pertinent news about the future to help you cope with what's to come. And thanks to my inside dog betting info, I'm now also $400 richer! I know, I should have bet a lot more, and I did, but Doc Brown blew most of our money on hookers and blow. Can't blame him, though, seeing as his dog Einstein was the dog I bet against. Sorry Einy!...

But enough of that. It's time to get down to bidness. And don't worry. I won't totally give the future away and ruin all of the suspense for ya. I'll give you just enough to tickle your fancy, whet your whistle, and possibly even get your panties in a bunch. Ya know, enough to make me look real smart, but not enough to alert the authorities to the fact that I associate with a scientist that may or may not have built the world's first flying time machine out of a quirky 80's coke-mobile. You wouldn't want me to end up in some cage in Guantanamo Bay now, would ya?

On second thought, don't answer that. Instead, just sick back, relax, and keep an eye out for the occaisional rouge hooverboard. Sure they look fun on TV, but take it from me. The last thing you want is to turn a corner and have some punk drive the tip of one of those things straight into your crotch...

It's pretty heavy, Doc...




The New York Yankees will have locked up the American League East, and be the hands down favorite to take home their first World Series title of this millennium...

As much as it pains me to say it, my trip forward in time only confirmed what we already know. The New York Yankees are the best team in baseball, and they're playing best baseball coming down the stretch...

Unfortunately for Yankee fans, they're team is also going to be victim to one of the biggest World Series upsets of All Time at the hands of an NL team that's going to remain anonymous. Like I said, I don't wanna totally ruin' it for ya. One hint, though. CC Sabathia is going to make post season history, just not exactly in the way he'd like...


The Boston Red Sox will have locked up the AL Wild Card, but will be considered afterthoughts for the title by everyone living outside of RT 495...

With the absence on any other real contender for the Wild Card, the Sox are able to semi-limp to the finish with the AL's final post season berth comfortably in hand. With no solid #3 pitcher and still being plagued by offensive inconsistencies, realists think this team can at best ride Beckett and Lester to the ALCS...

Upon their playoff exit a few weeks later, people begin to wonder aloud if Theo Epstein will ever be able to adequately fill this team's holes via free agency...

Oh, and Billy Wagner earns himself a rather lucrative contract (all things considered), but not with the Sox. Like Denny Neagle and Mike Hampton before him, Wagner will take his south paw to Coors Field, and eventually end his career thanks to a neck injury from watching all his sub par heaters cruising through the cool, crisp, Rocky Mountain air...


The New England Patriots will be 3-1 and in a state of confusion after Brady meets the turf 8 times in an AFC tilt against the Baltimore Ravens...

OK, so maybe the game doesn't go down until the first weekend of October, but don't let the facts get in the way of this ominous news...

Those facts would be that the Patriots defense can't get pressure on the QB, and more to the point, the offensive line isn't looking much better than the one that allowed Matt Cassel to lead the league in sacks in 2008. With no pressure on the opposing QB, the young DBs will be exposed, turning each game into a weekly shootout reminiscent of 2007. Brady continues to come through in the clutch and the offense stays dominant, but Patriot Nation is gravely concerned that at any time their '09 season could come crashing down...


The two biggest surprises in the NFL will be the 1-3 Titans, and the 4-0 Packers...

Aaron Rodgers and his glorious beard look poised for a huge year, and the Titans will stumble early thanks to a treacherous schedule. Either way, it's only the beginning of October...


The Philadelphia Eagles will be 0-3, and Ellis Hobbs will have publicly challenged the corpse of ex D-Coordinator, Jim Johnson, so some sort of steal caged UFC match, officiated by Danny Bonaduce....who will use on of Marvin Harrison's guns to signal the start of the fight...

Fine, maybe none of that is going to happen, but the likely outcome isn't going to be all that much different. Point is, between their coach, their QB(s), their fans and their lack of success, the Philadelphia Eagles will be in utter turmoil before we even reach Halloween. Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb will have a public blow up on the sidelines, after which the head coach is so dismayed that he goes straight home, dips into his kid's stash of OC's and H, and ends up getting dismissed by the team after they discover a 1/2 a G of meth stuck in his beard during his weekly press conference. The headlines will read "Andy's Candy" and "Reid Between the Lines", the latter complete with Kate Moss-esque photos with a mirror and a few evenly chopped white lines...

One thing I do have to give Philly creidt for. When it goes bad there, it's more entertaining than when it goes bad anywhere other than New York. They still have shitty steak and cheese sandwiches, but they certianly know how to tear down a man when he needs their help the most...


After a home loss to lowly Indiana pushes the Wolverines to 2-2, head coach Rich Rodriguez has a meltdown that makes Mike Gundy's "I'm a man!" rant look like a Robert Frost poem...

He has players on his squad that are bitching about long practices, he doesn't have an established QB, and his program is coming off by far their worst campaign in recent memory. That, and he's now been implicated in some sort of real estate scheme gone wrong while a coordinator at Clemson.

Rick Pitino becomes very grateful for having been pushed off the front page as "head coaching public enemy #1". And don't worry, Ricky, I'm not finished with you by a long shot...


Greg Paulus and Doug Marrone, fresh off a 30-point win against Maine in the Carrier Dome, will actually have people talking Syracuse football again...

Not me, but trust me when I say it's an understatement that all those townies in Liverpool and Manlius will be dancing arm in arm around Carrier Circle...

ESPN will run a full feature on their Sunday broadcast talking about the resurgence of a once proud program where they interview everyone from Coach K to Jim Brown. Within weeks of it airing, the mighty Orange will have dropped back to back home games to West Virginia and South Florida and everyone will come to realize that unless his name is Charlie Ward, you never want an ACC point guard to be quarterbacking your football team...


One of the World Series of Poker's "November Nine", will either be dead or in a coma...

Gamblers live unhealthy lifestyles. That, and they've already each been guaranteed at least a million $$ apiece. Hey, I'm just sayin'. People have killed for less. And as for putting someone in a coma? That's simple. Dead guys can't pay up if they owe you...

By October 1st, you will be able to buy Boston Celtics themed t-shirts with a leprechaun fetus on the front that say "Rick Pitino killed my baby too, and you don't hear me bitchin' about it!"...

Order yours today. You don't wanna be the last kid on your block without one!

And save you're messages about how I'm just a horrible person. Believe me, I'm well aware. Just make sure to also acknowledge the fact that you laughed...

See you in Hell!...


The TV channel, 'VS', will go through yet another name change, finally settling on 'HSTV'...

After buying the rights to Ice Road Truckers, Pawn Stars, that logging show, American Chopper, Megan Wants a Millionaire, A Real Chance At Love, Deadliest Catch & Dog the Bounty Hunter, HSTV will be able to keep us up to speed with all the people we used to know before they dropped out of our high school. It's everything your year book should have been, if it were created by Mark Burnett and Andy Warhol...



My fantasy football team, "Thanks Ted" will be 3-0. I'll be fresh off a week 3 beatdown of Frosco, and headed towards a match up with Aaron Danho in a battle of the league's two last Super Bowl Champions...

After my horrible baseball season which turned into my worst fantasy team since the Randy Johnson Experience of 2003, my football dominance of the last 2 years will return with a strong start to my campaign. I won't try and pretend like I plan on keeping all of the guys I drafted and got value at every position, but I did have a game plan going into the draft, and I think I executed it rather efficiently. I have my coveted QB/WR combination with Aaron Rodgers and Donald Driver, big play makers in TJ Who'sYourMama (championship!) and Roy Williams, and hedged bets at key positions with Derrick Ward/Cadillac Williams, and Kevin Curtis/Jason Avant. Ah you know what? Screw it. Here's my whole roster...

QB
Aaron Rodgers Green Bay

RB
DeAngelo Williams Carolina
Derrick Ward Tampa Bay
Cadillac Williams Tampa Bay
Leon Washington NY Jets
Fred Taylor New England
James Davis Cleveland

WR
TJ Houshmandzadeh Seattle
Roy Williams Dallas
Donald Driver Green Bay
Kevin Curtis Philadelphia
Jason Avant Philadelphia

TE
Dallas Clark Indianapolis
Brandon Pettigrew Detroit

K
Stephen Gostkowski New England

DEF
Tampa Bay

It's a tough league, and after my luck over the longest fantasy baseball season ever, it would be presumptuous for me to think that even a 3-0 start is going to lead to another league title. But hey, I'll take whatever I can get...
Damon "DA" Amendolara will have not heard back from my sister, despite attempting to be her friend on Facebook and trying to get her phone number from some of his moles at the Newhouse School of Communications...

How's this for karma? Literally 2 days after I took a shot at both DA's lack of Boston knowledge and his substance over style Syracuse broadcast technique, he has the nerve to approach my sister in a bar and hit on her. Well the buck stops there, buddy!

Nah, I'm just playin'. As much as I love my dear sister, I did not use my trip to the future to check on her love life and relationship status. I must say, however, that I don't like the chances of anyone who's pickup line was "I remember you from the Syracuse yearbook..."

Nice try, DA. But better luck next time...as long as it's with some other chick...

And there you have it, boys and girls. The future, straight from my eyes, to your...well...eyes, I guess. Or maybe brain. Yeah, brain sounds better. Straight from my eyes, to your brain. Don't believe me? Well just watch as the truth unfolds before you. And just for good measure, keep a Huey Lewis album on hand for when each one of these comes to fruition. Each time one happens, just play "The Power of Love", and thank the good Lord that you've been blessed enough to know me and to have been exposed to my wicked talents...

Make sure to check in next week for my full slate of 2009 NFL predictions, the recap of this week's stint of reading local news on Imus in the Morning, and hopefully Frosco's first draft of the aforementioned Rick Pitino t-shirt...

Until then, be good and have a great weekend. And remember, you never know what the future holds...unless you're me....

...but I guess we've already established that now, haven't we?...

Marty McSuperFly, signing off...

100...

0 comments:

Post a Comment