Friday, August 14, 2009

With Great Beard Comes Great Responsibility

Time used to be, the only thing I ever grew were delicious jalapeno peppers on the front porch of my lovely raised ranch. Now? Well let's just say I've taken my desire for cultivation to an even more personal level...

That's right, I'm growin' a beard...

And while I've been known in the past to grow a mean set of mutton chops or sport the occasional 5 o'clock shadow, growing any sort of full fledged beard is a rather new venture for me. For one, the 5 o'clock shadow usually only shows up at 5 o'clock on the 3rd or 4th day after I've initially shaved. So needless to say that even had I wanted to grow a beard all these years, it would have been quite the process and a half. It's like if you've ever shaved your head with the intent of letting it grow back. After about a week and a half, your hair gets caught in that awkward post-peach-fuzz state that has your head lookin' like the world's biggest testicle or that Meatball from Aqua Tenn Hunger Force, and you usually just cave in and shave it again. I mean, why look like the world's biggest talking meat sack when you can shave yourself to respectability in 5 minutes flat, right?

Well that's where I've always been with my beard growing. Grow it for a week, get aggravated with it, and shave it off. Just like that comedian said on the AMC screening of Fight Club. First rule of Beard Club. Grow a beard. Second rule of Beard Club. Shave it off. Third rule of Beard Club. Repeat. I won't be following the 3rd rule, as I have a great groowimng tool to help me along my journey, but that's what makes me better than the Beard Club. Above it, if you will. Matter of fact, after a meeting of the bearded minds this past weekend at a good friend's cookout, I've dubbed myself Leader of the New Beard Order. You can call me, The Chairman of the Beard...

Oh and this video was shot at the same great cookout, filmed by and co-starring our host, Neal Donahue. Needless to say, I couldn't have said any of this better myself. Parental Discretion is advised. Here he is. Pat White everybody, with an inside look at the creative process behind an average episode of Entourage!

Simply incredible. Both his performance and his beard. Matter of fact, all 3 guys you can see in that video are rockin' the John Beardman, and yours truly can be heard off camera. That's 4 for 4 in the beard department, kids, and that my friends, is what I call a great ratio. But I digress. After all, this post is about me and my beard. Not my funny friends and there far more advanced beards...

So it's a new era, friends. A bearded era. And as the title suggests, with great beard comes great responsibility. What does that mean? Well not a whole lot, really. More or less I'm just using it as yet another excuse as to why I haven't been as active on here as I'd like to be. Believe me, I've got so much insight and commentary brewin' up in that big brain of mine that I'm about to "stroke out like Sterling" (another ORoochinal phrase). Whether it's Youk bein' Youk, the start of the NFL season, or Andy Reid adding another felon to his Rolodex, there's never a shortage of topics, just sometimes a shortage of time. Or as the case is this week, more pressing personal matters to attend to. Ya know, like my beard and my hysterical bearded friends. Not only growing it, but writing about it so I can keep all my loyal fans up to speed. Inquiring minds want to know, after all. Especially when it's a matter of such vital importance like the state of my facial hair...

But make sure to check in with me next week. I'll have grooming suggestions, Red Sox and Patriots updates, a review of the new 98.5 The Sports Hub, and a recap of my second stint doing the Imus in the Morning local news on every one's favorite Providence area Talk and Business station, AM 790 ( If you're in the area, take a listen from 6-10 on your way to work. If not, I'll catch you next week, in all my bearded glory...

Until then, this is the Chairman saying "Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for my beard. And if you must, give it a little scratch. I won't mind. Matter of fact, I downright encourage it..."

Peace in the Middle, kids...



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