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Friday, July 10, 2009

That'll Do, Pink Hats. That'll Do...


It's mid-morning on Wednesday...

I'm sitting in front of my computer, watching my Dunkin Donuts iced coffee sweat like a Sudanese hooker, and thinking of a way in which I can voice my displeasure of the masses, to the masses, over some of the events that had transipred over the last week. You know, my usual routine...

Then I happen to switch on my TV. I don't often brainstorm and watch TV at the same time, but seeing as I have more than enough mental acuity to pull the task off, I figured what the Hell...



Naturally, the TV turns back to the channel I had been watching the night before. One of the HBO's I'm pretty sure, as I prefer background noise when I go to sleep, and they usually provide the commercial-free goodness I crave. I even wanna say the movie I had been watching was Michael Clayton, but as I type that last sentence fragment I realize it was indeed The Beach, starring Leo Dicaprio, Tilda Swinton, and some hot french chick that totally gets naked and engages Leo in some sorta taboo, underwater intercourse. Needless to say, if you haven't seen it, you should head to your nearest computer and order that sucker up on NetFlix. And seeing as you're already at a computer, I'd say you've already been spotted quite the head start. So get on that...



But alas, as I turned on my TV the morning after, Leo and his idealistic group of world travelers were gone, and what remained was a film that I, as a staunch movie critic, can only describe as a "guilty pleasure". No, it wasn't Pootie Tang, for all of you that think you know me so well and are gonna beat me to my own punchline. This time, the guilty pleasure in question was none other than the 1996 children's smash hit, Babe...

Hey, what can I say? I'm a sucker for that movie. Like my good friend, Josh Astin, always says, "Talking animals are funny!". And in this instance, I couldn't agree more. That pig? Funny. That duck? Funny. Those freaking singing mice!? Flat out transcending!

So for the time being, I gave up my search for inspiration, and settled in to watch a few minutes of one the most heart warming tales of our time. My iced coffee, still drippin' sweat like Tim Donaghy after a game of "what happened to my innocence" with the boys in Cell block D...

But as I took a sip from my delicious beverage, and watched the little pig with a heart of gold try his best to become a sheepdog, my inspiration hit me like a ton of bricks...

The movie Babe epitomizes exactly how I feel about my place in the world of sports and entertainment. The way I see it, fans are the sheep, educated fans are Babe, and I am the wolf keeping them all in check. And more to the point, Frosco is Babe, because in my eyes not only is he one of the more well spoken and educated fans I know, but as we remember from last week's mailbag, there's also a striking physical resemblance...




But it all made perfect sense to me. After all, the inspiration I was originally looking for was a way in which to voice my opinion about the Boston appearances of both Nomar Garciaparra and Rasheed Wallace. And what better way to describe the reactions to both of their arrivals, than to call out all of Boston fans as complete and utter sheep! As is said in the movie by it's narrator "It was well known that sheep are stupid", and I'm inclined to agree with that description of the average fan. For better or for worse, they just aren't smart. Mostly because they don't care nearly as much as the true fans out there, but also mostly due in part to the fact that they don't pay attention, or treat sports how they would treat any other aspect of their lives...

I mean, come on, let's call a spade a spade, here, folks. When Nomar was traded in 2004, people were happy, weren't they? And why? Because he had blatantly quit on his team. Let me say that again so it sinks in. This guy "quit". He didn't leave town for more money, and he didn't leave to go play for his hometown team. He freaking quit. And with Boston in the middle of an intense pennant race to boot! Sure his departure was a little bittersweet considering the 7 Hall of Fame seasons that preceded it, but that in part is what also made it sting so much. How could a guy that had done so much for this team, been such an icon, just quit? And better yet, literally quit in an epic battle against the Yankees, a game in which Derek Jeter, his rivalry counterpart, went face first into the stands...

(note: obviously I'm working on a way to get my own set of animals, strap some dolls to their backs, and hold races for money in a nearby filed. So don't worry, I thought the same thing when I first saw this picture, and I'm all over it)


Now listen, I get the fan mentality. It's like when you break up with a girlfriend or have any falling out with someone. When you see them years down the road, you only remember the good times. OK, understandable. But a 2 minute standing ovation? That just shows how completely "pink hat" Fenway Park and Red Sox Nation have become. I said it before the game. Nomar would get a nice ovation because of the fans in attendance, NOT because of the way most of Red Sox Nation felt about his return. It was the wolf in me being both realistic and pessimistic, and surprise surprise, I was right on the money...

Fact is, even though I despise Nomar for the gutless way he left this team twisting in the wind, I wouldn't have been booing either. Not because I didn't think he deserved it, but because of the Pink Hat Nation that would have been standing next to me clapping, cheering, and unleashing a deadly stream of joy-juice into their #5 thong panties. If I stood up to boo, I probably would have been kicked out of the joint for being disrespectful, and given funny looks as security dragged me towards the parking lot. It's the fans in the park that got him his ovation, not anything he did on or off the field. They're the ones there for the "event", not the "sport". They're the ones that can afford to bring 5 year olds to sit in the 3rd row at $300 a pop. They're never gonna boo! Not Nomar, not anybody! They're more concerned with taking pictures on their BlackBerry's, and making sure they smuggled enough juice boxes in to keep the kiddies in check...

And that's what it's come to since that same magical season in '04 that saw Nomar moved at the trading deadline. Ever since then, the Pink Hats have taken over, the sheep are running wild. And believe me, I'm all for sportsmanship and letting people cheer if they want, I just think it's pathetic that such a rabid fan base was reduced to giggles and cheers because of the ignorant front runners that now call Fenway's luxury seats home. Cheering guy's like Damon who left for money is one thing, but the day that Fenway stood up to recognize Benedict Nomar and his now deflated physique, was the day I knew for sure that Red Sox Nation, had officially become, Pink Hat Nation...


A hero's welcome for a quitter, just because it's the "fashionable" thing to do. Truly sad. Hope all the FaceBook albums are worth it, ladies, because you're ruining it for the rest of us...



As for Rasheed Wallace, what can I say? We might as well just paint that bald spot on his head pink right now and be done with it. Never have I seen a town do such a 180 on a guy in such a short period of time. Oh wait, yes I have, and it's when we all universally ripped Nomar on his way out of town in 2004! But enough of that. Overnite, Sheed went from a malcontent and an egomaniac, to a gritty, passionate player ready to put the Celtics back over the top...


Um. Hello? Is this really what we've come to, here? Like I said before, I get the free agent and the fan mentality, but whatever happened to the days of trusting your judgement?


I for one love Sheed, always have and always will, but the reasons I love him have always been the same reasons everyone has hated him. He's brash, he's volatile, he's a ridiculously tough match up, and he's constantly bumping his gums, talking redic amounts of junk to anyone that will listen. I've always loved that about Sheed. To me, he played exactly how I would have liked to play had I been somehow fortunate enough to play at that level. His game just exudes confidence...


But now, the same people that hated Sheed when he played for Detroit, called him a thug when he played for Portland and labeled him a cocky SOB at UNC, are taking all that back just because he's donned the Celtic green. The person in me is happy for Sheed, happy that he's in a good situation and that people in this area might finally grow to appreciate him. And happy that I can watch him on TV whenever I want. The wolf in me, however, is more than a little pissed off. Sheed was my guy, and now all the PH's are gobblin' him up faster than Babe at breakfast. Sweatin' his jock and welcoming him as KG's wingman...


Hey, at least it's funny to hear various Ted's discuss the "should it be the Big 5 or the Big 6? What about Perk and Baby? Should they be in there too? Ya know, with Rondo?"...


Please, just do me a favor and go back to hating on Sheed, and loving JD Drew. I think we all got along a lot better when that was the arrangement, and in a case like this it's always best to let sleeping dogs lie...



But seriously, the "Babe" in me wants to help you sheep out, serve as the mediator. So let me leave you on this topic with this. When you don't like a player, first establish "why" you don't like him. If you then determine that it's the guys' character that you don't like, then please don't then chose to cheer for him when he happens to come and play for your team. It makes you look weak, it makes you look foolish, and it goes a long way towards making me very disenchanted with the society in which we live. I'm not saying you can't have a change of heart, but in an instance like this, for a 10 year track record to be washed away with a dash of green paint, that's not what this is. This is just another story of a bunch of sheep, and a guy who looks like he had a run in with a pair of sheers...

"There's a difference between drinking a beer while watching a game, and watching a game so you can drink some beer. If you do the former, you're a fan. If you do the latter, you're an alcoholic." An Oroochinal Thought

Think about it. I'm right, and you have a problem...

Oh and tell JD I said he still sucks...

Other News & Notes

All week rumors have been swirling about the possiblity of Roy Halladay (that's "Hal", as in Sutton, not "Hall" as in juvenile) landing with the Red Sox, thanks to Toronto GM JP Riccardi telling the media he was willing to listen to offers for him. Now while I don't think Riccardi is all that serious, and I don't believe it's likely Halladay lands in Boston even if he is traded, just the possibility has got me all worked up. I've been a huge fan since he tossed a complete game as a 21 year old rookie in 1998, and I've been closely following his career ever since...


What I've found interesting about Roy over that time, is that while many have admired him from afar via the box score, and viewed him once or twice a year in the traditional AL East match ups, their labeling of him as a "horse" in my eyes just doesn't do the guy justice. As someone that's had the Doc on his various fantasy teams for the better part of the last decade, the one thing I think is most underrated about Roy, is at the same time the one thing that makes him so spectacular. He's brutally efficient. People think he's a horse because they see all those complete games, but in reality he's not throwing any more pitches in that gem than any other ace would throw in a standard outing. Difference with Roy is, he throws far more strikes than even the average ace of a staff. He pounds the strike zone, and he throws strike 1 more often than anyone I've ever seen, one of the simplest, yet most effective things a pitcher can do if he's talented enough to consistently get away with it. But I guess that's the ability right there that makes him so successful. That, and his gamer mentality...


So obviously I would love to see Halladay on my Red Sox, and I wouldn't hesitate to deal all the prospects Toronto wants in order to obtain him. Not because I don't value those prospects, I do. But because they are, after all, just prospects. Bowden, Bard and Buccholz might guarantee you're "in contention" for years to come, but Hallday could very easily could make you a World Series Champion, today...

If JP's crazy enough to do it, I hope Theo's smart enough to let some of the young kids go in return. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of all the Pink Hats who are still "reeling" from not having a Championship to celebrate since the Celtics brought home banner #17...


We need a title quick! We don't wanna lose 'em!

And speaking of losing, here's some more vindication for yours truly on the redic streak of bad luck my fantasy team has had this year. Keep in mind, my pitching staff contains 2 of the top 3 guys on the list, and has combined for 12 losses in which they've gone 8 or more innings and given up 2 runs or fewer. Hey, I'm just sayin'...


Fantasy Karma Kicks Rooch In Junk
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=crasnick_jerry&page=starting9/090708


Another example of Sheep vs Wolf. Last year's Wimbledon Final (Federer/Nadal) was far more exciting than this year's 5 set final, but thanks to the inclusion this year of Andy Roddick, Federer's latest triumph was heralded by many fair weather fans as one of the best matches they've ever seen. My response to that? You need to watch more tennis...


I look at it this way. The world of tennis closely mirrors the world of golf. Roger and Tiger are both worldly figures that dominate at the top. Roddick and Mickelson are the gritty Americans that will never be better than 2nd best. And Nadal and Sergio Garcia are the exotic, Spanish player that add an International flair to the game. Only difference in tennis, is that unlike Garcia, Nadal is actually competitive in big events. Oh and Sergio doesn't wear capris pants. At least not in public. I'm sure he rocks the "mankini" on the beach, but what he does on his time is his business. When he make s a fool out of himself on TV, that's my business...
Just thought I'd give everyone a heads up about the new "small" Altoids. They suck. Don't buy 'em. They don't taste like regular Altoids at all, and they're just way too small. OH and they make you look like a drug addict when you're always reaching into this tiny box for little, white things that you're putting in your mouth. That can't be good for the safety of your employment...

I've already seen one too many ads for Hayden Panettiere's new flick, I Love You Beth Cooper. Listen, Hayden. The next time I wanna see you in a movie, it's gonna be when you do the basement porno remake, "Remember the Titties" in which you reprise you're role as an innocent, young coach's daughter on an interracial football team. That, I'll watch. But I also understand I'll have to wait for you to become addicted to meth first. Good thing I'm patient...

Finally, you'll all be delighted to know that through various confidential sources in the know, I've been able to confirm what I've suspected all along. Dana Jacobsen is officially "furniture" at the ESPN main campus in Bristol. Now for all of you not familiar with fraternity slang, "furniture" means she's in the house, and used by the house's member's so frequently, that she might as well be a beer stained coach in the living room. Ya know, like a slam-pig? I'm sure you get what I'm sayin'. Who's she been doing the (very) nasty with, you ask? Well that remains under wraps...for now. But I will say this. If you see someone working with her on Cold Take, and they are remotely famous, there's a good chance she's let them cover her in Belvedere and tackled one of her Serenus-like man thighs...


And no, one of the people is not Buster Olney OR Tim Kurkjian. They're just really small, and that's just a really disturbing mental image. Besides, they know too much about baseball to be into shit like that. Right, Harold Reynolds?...



So there you have it. I know a lot of you out there are going to view my comments about fans as elitist, and I totally get it. It's just my hope that this elite wolf can bring some of you sheep over to my side, where the grass is green and the loyalties run deep. And perhaps if we both channel our inner Babe a little more often, we can actually find a common ground on which to converse.

Until then, stay away from Sheed...

Bah-Ram-Ewe! Bah-Ram-Ewe!

I'm outta here...

100...

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