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Friday, June 05, 2009

Papi Popped for Roidin' It Up?


Jose Canseco.

Just the name brings to mind so many vivid images and thoughts.

Roid Freak.

Gold Digger.

Opportunist.

Disgrace.

Scumbag.

Turncoat.

Savior?


Those are just a few that come to mind. And all justifiably so, I might add. After all, this is the guy that not only helped bring steroids into baseball's mainstream, but is now doing his very best to bring it to his knees with all of his expertise and first hand testimonials...


And what's so bizarre, so unique to this case, is that it's Canseco's apparent "lack" of credibility that makes him so credible. Well, that...and his track record. Face it. Like him or not, every single person this guy has named has subsequently been outed as a cheater. What's more, is that he's proven prolific at spotting roid-users, that he's even been able to finger guys that he never even had meaningful interaction with. Witness one Manny Ramirez.

But how did such a low-life obtain such credibility? Well, to put it as bluntly as I can, he's done it by becoming "The King of All Scumbags". Whether he's been ratting out his former teammates, appearing on the Surreal Life, writing various books or fighting Danny Bonaduce to the death, everything Canseco's done to this point has been 100% consistent with what a complete scumbag would to.

And what really ices the cake for me, is that no matter how dumb you think he is. No matter how grotesque you find his appearance, demeanor or intentions, the fact that he was the puppet master of the roid generation means when it comes to pointing out those who used, his words are as good as gold. I mean, come on. I've dealt with plenty of drug dealers in my day (as an interested observer and "undercover kid", of course), and one thing I've learned is that regardless of how high, drunk or spun out a dealer may seem, you best believe he's gonna have exactly ZERO trouble giving the cops a detailed account of all the names, places and numbers that could possibly be used to get them off the hook. And who better to point out the users, than the guy who's been dealing with clients of that particular product, right?


What does Chris Farley say in Tommy Boy? You can stick your head up a butcher's ass....well you get the point. The fact that Canseco was able to ascend if you will to the top of the roid throne, is what at the same time makes him reprehensible, yet deceptively credible. His motives might not be moral, but in a society that places greater weight on the dollar than the mind, I can't say I blame the guy for going for the money that he "needs". He thinks he was black balled from baseball, so by God I think he has the right to go after the game and it's players with whatever vengeance he chooses. Not the route I would chose, but I could totally see someone justifying that course of action...



But who cares, right? You're sittin' there sayin "Rooch, we all know Jose is a scumbag, and we also know he's always right when it comes to roids. Who cares!?"


Well I'll tell you who cares. And it's you when you hear the news that Jose has all but fingered David Ortiz. And not the back of the car in high school, rounding 3rd base type of fingered, either. This is the bad kind, with the potential for carer assassination and a very public fall from grace...


On today's (6/5) Big Show on WEEI, frequent co-host and contributor, Steve Burton of WBZ in Boston, relayed a conversation he had earlier in the week with Jose, someone he's worked with before and seems to have a decent relationship with. The topic of the conversation, was the decline of David Ortiz. Now while Canseco said he didn't want to go on WEEI, where he's had volatile run-ins in the past, he did answer a number of questions from Burton about whether or not he felt David Ortiz struggles were the result of him now being free of performance enhancing drugs. And what did Jose say, you ask? Well to hear Burton tell it, and he's someone who's knowledge on sports and journalistic diligence I greatly respect, Jose made 2 statements that would seem to doom Big Papi:


1) The #1 thing to "go" when you stop using PEDs, is balance

AND

2) Though he doesn't know Ortiz personally, if he had to guess he would say Ortiz has the look of someone who had been on steroids...


Conclusion: Jose doesn't have any evidence against Ortiz, but if he had to say one way or another, he would have no trouble labeling Ortiz a user.


Well Jose, my response to to that can be summed up by none other than Morgan Freeman from the movie Se7en, when he turns to Brad Pitt and says "For the first time, you and I are in total agreement."


Thanks, Morgan. Not only do you provide us with your soothing voice and great acting ability on a daily basis, but for today's intents and purposes, you've managed to accurately describe my feelings about the embattled Red Sox slugger.


Just like Jose, I don't know David Ortiz, either, but from what my eyes tell me, he seems to fit the bill. Balance? What balance? Hell Joey Votto in Cincinnati probably has Vertigo, and even he looks more comfortable up at the plate than Ortiz. Matter of fact it was the "loss of balance" comment that Canseco made that really inspired me to sit down and write. Jose knows roids, and if he says they can screw with your balance when you stop takin' them, then I believe it...


And much like Jose, while I don't know David, or have any proof that he used, his Brady Anderson like decline is making it pretty easy for him to start passing the "eye" test. I mean, seriously. If this guy doesn't play for the team you like, you would have labeled him a roider months ago. Fact...


Face it people, it's time to wake up.

It's not his stance, his ankle, his wrist, his eyes, his knee or his family life...It's roids. Or in this case, lack thereof. I know it's the panacea of choice these days when diagnosing a baseball player on the decline, but in this particular instance, I'm just not buying that this whole "slump" is some sort of big coincidence...


And what's worse, is that Ortiz isn't one of the "poor kids from the Dominican", and he would have been using roids just to further his career rather than to get his family out of the ghetto. A fine line, I know, but for me that's what separates the Miguel Tejada's and Sammy Sosa's from your Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Alex Rodriguez'. From what I can tell, if indeed Ortiz did use, he probably started doing so right after Twins manager Tom Kelly told him he needed to be a spray-gap type hitter, and right before he was signed as a free agent by the Boston Red Sox. His motivation was purely egotistical. He wanted to prove to people that he was an elite power hitter, and the only way for him to crack that ceiling was to cheat and use performance enhancing drugs...


To me, that's just disgusting. And if I'm right, and he's on that list of cheaters that Major League Baseball has in their possession, then he's gonna go down in history right next to Raffy Palmeiro as someone who was very loud in his denials, and very quiet with his exit from the game...


And allow me to make clear again, that in an ideal situation, a perfect world, I'd love to be wrong, and for Ortiz to just be hurt or in a slump, but I just don't see that as realistic.


When it comes to the world of steroids, I trust my gut and I trust Jose Canseco. Both of them are telling me that Ortiz is dirtier than an oil spill in the Charles River...


I think if you looked in your gut, you'd realize that you've already made the same conclusion...


A sad day? Yes

But to me it's even sadder that events like this have ceased being a surprise...

See you in the Tweet-o-sphere, kids...


AND DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER

100...


...oh and here are some "old school" bikini pics of Lindsay Lohan that I just found on the hard drive of the computer here at work. I hear she's not an insane druggie/lesbian anymore...so yeah...Sounds like she's due for the tasteful Playboy career resurrection piece if you ask me. And yes, I realize resurrection has "erection" in it, but I chose to be mature enough to ignore it. I suggest you do the same...



So lithe, busty and full of cocaine. What a combination...


again...100...

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