Friday, May 01, 2009

Meat Me At The Derby...

It's that time again, pimps 'n chimps...

Time to sound the trumpets, don your biggest, gayest, hat, and watch a bunch of silk clad midgets go a mile and a 1/4 on the world's fastest future sperm donors. Or in the case of the unlucky ones, future exotic jerky and bargain basement glue sticks...

That's right, kids. It's time for the 135th running of the Kentucky Derby, meaning it's time for my picks that are sure to leave you at least $20 lighter in your Eight Belles limited edition wallet...

But before I get to that, allow me one more time to explain to you something that apparently still continues to fall between the cracks...

There are two things that people seem to be doing a lot of lately that have really been getting under my skin. One of them has to do with sports and the other is just me, again, pointing out how annoying some of you can be...

1) When someone says "what?" when it's painfully obvious that they heard what you said...


Me: "How was work today?"

Friend: "What?"

Me: (silence)

Friend: "Oh, work was good."

Pisses me off, man. I know you heard me, you know you heard me, so why are you saying what?! Are you really that dumb that you need to gather your thoughts when answering such a simple question? Unlikely. I just fear that "what?" has become the new "like" or "umm". Just throw it out there whenever you don't know what to say, and buy yourself some time to come up with a legitimate response. Truly pathetic, if you ask me, but then again some of you aren't quite as endowed with the gift of gab as yours truly, so it's something I'm learning to deal with...all be it reluctantly...

This beef is more on topic...

2) When people assume that just because I am from Massachusetts, and I like sports, that I am for some reason a fan of the Boston Celtics and the Boston Bruins...Yeah, and next time I see you eating Chinese food, I'm just gonna go ahead and assume you're a Communist...

Despite going out of my way for the past decade plus to point out that I'm NOT a Bruins or Celtics fan, I continuously get texts and emails from friends all over the country taunting me in regards to the two teams respective playoff runs. So for one final time, boys and girls. I DON'T CARE! I don't like the Celtics, I don't like the NBA. I don't like the Bruins, I don't like the NHL. It's not like I have another team in these sports that I rout for, and it's not like I wish ill will on either of those teams. I just don't care. I follow just enough to make sure I can adequately participate in any conversation, but other than that, I could truly NOT care less. Last night when the C's were in that "epic" game with the Bulls? I was watching King of the Hill reruns. Am I disappointed that I missed what analysts are calling what of the greatest playoff games of all time? Not in the least. Matter of fact, I'm rather disgusted that the game and the series are being referred to as "all time" in the first place. What? Because a game goes into 3 overtimes that makes it a great game? Since when? How about the C's and the Bulls try playing some defense first, and then maybe these "we score then you score" displays wouldn't have to go into OT at all!

But hey, what should I expect. I've long ago realized that my definition of "fan", you know, the word that stems from "fanatic", is drastically different than most of the viewing public. I mean, if I'm a fan, I don't plan a golf outing during my team's playoff game and I certainly don't need to be told, by a non-fan, when my team plays next. Face it. Most of you aren't fans. You just get swept up in the winning, pretend to live and die with the team for a month or two, and then throw your jersey at that bottom of the hamper when they lose, with the hopes that next season they'll give you another reason to run that bad boy through the washer and again toss it on with pride. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just ask that in the future you don't call yourself a "fan". It really ruins it for the rest of us that really are. What you really are is bandwagon jumpers, but I'm sure those of you out there that disagree could come up with a much more eloquent moniker for yourselves. I recommend maybe "recreational viewer", or perhaps "massive Ted". I think those are adequate substitutes...

And I'm not saying you can't enjoy the games just because you haven't watched all the games up to this point either. Of course you can. Just don't then rip on me for not liking a team or a sport just because that team happens to be from the state I live in, and they happen to be in the playoffs!..

So again. For the record. Celtics. Don't care. Bruins. Don't care. Celtics/Bulls series? I've seen better competition from Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi on the 4th of July. Any sport where the refs change the rules in the playoffs? I'm just not down. Call me old fashioned, but to me it just doesn't make any sense. Rule of thumb. When the start of the playoffs signal the change of the rules, and changes who shows up in the stands, then something just ain't right. Call me pessimistic if you wish. But I just prefer to call myself a fan...

Now on to the Derb-Show...

In year's past I've given you my picks, and in years past I've been essentially 100% wrong. Will my luck change this year? Probably not. But you know and I know that there's no way that's gonna stop me from tossing out some predictions. So here goes. Three bets, sure to lose you money, but just as sure to keep you interested as those tiny men crack the whips and lead those million dollar ponies down the back stretch...

Bet 1: The Superfecta

Goal: To pick, in correct order, the 1st 4 horses to cross the finish line. The payout on these suckers is usually huge, meaning you can lay a little bit of money (say $2-$5) and expect a nice chunk of change in return. Then again, there's a reason the odds are so stacked against you...

My Derby Superfectas

(6) Friesan Fire - (16) Pioneerof The Nile - (14) Atomic Rain - (13) I Want Revenge

(13) I Want Revenge - (16) Pioneerof The Nile - (1) West Side Bernie - (15) Dunkirk

(15) Dunkirk - (3) Mr. Hot Stuff - (6) Friesan Fire - (9) Join In The Dance

Bet 2: The Trifecta

Goal: Same as the Super, except you bet on the 1st 3 horses, not the 1st 4. Odds are slightly better, but the payoff will still be pretty good if you hit...

My Derby Trifectas

(6) Friesan Fire - (13) I Want Revenge - (11) Chocolate Candy

(13) I Want Revenge - (6) Friesan Fire - (1) West Side Bernie

(16) Pioneerof The Nile - (13) I Want Revenge - (7) Papa Clem

(13) I Want Revenge - (14) Atomic Rain - (6) Friesan Fire

I have 10 of the 20 horses in the field represented in those 7 bets, and if it's anything like last year, none of those horses will probably finish in the money. Can't say I'll be surprised either way, but the fact is I know about as much about horse racing, as the average person with a Garnett jersey knows about the Boston Celtics. Just like I look at all these bandwagon pink hats and laugh, I'm sure any handicapper worth his salts would do the same when looking at my Derby picks. But alas, I'm just a sucker, lookin' for an exciting race and a quick buck...

And if you're looking to just pick a winner, I wouldn't even bother unless you're putting you're money on a horse who's odds are at the very least 20-1. Right now the top 4 favorites (I Want Revenge 3-1, Pioneerof The Nile 4-1, Dunkirk 4-1 and Friesan Fire 6-1) all have too steep of odds for small time bettors like us to make any money betting them straight up. In my opinion, you're better off swinging for the fences in this thing and striking out, than taking a favorite and ending up standing on first base with a $5 bill in your pocket. $5 is good, don't get me wrong, but in a thing like this, I'd rather lose $30 with the chance to win hundreds, than win $5 because I took something really safe. Maybe if I knew more and had more money I would feel comfortable slapping some serious cake on one of the favorites, but like I said, that's just not the case...

Should be a great, show though. And I hope all of you that don't bet still sit down and watch as one horse will run himself into history, 18 will come up just short, and 1 horse will more than likely end up being hourdervs at the Yum Brands after party...

My 2009 Kentucky Derby Champion: (6) Friesan Fire

His trainers also drained the now dead, Eight Belles, and this horse will truly be the one with revenge on it's mind...You want revenge?!?! You can't handle revenge!!!!

OK, that was gay. And I apologize...

Oh and just one more thing real quick. So I'm in Cumberland Farms the other night, waiting in line to buy a Gatorade behind some meat head that I just saw get out of a car filled with like 6 people. He goes to buy a blunt, when the cashier, in broken English, asks him to see some ID. The kid doesn't understand him at first, but eventually complies. The transaction goes through, and the kid steps to the side with his items and allows me access to the counter to put down my Gatorade...

Then, in true meat head fashion, the kid taps the blunt tube on the counter and makes a comment about how he's about the go "crack this sucker". My logic is that he assumed the cashier wouldn't understand him, and that I, as a chill looking 20-something, would be impressed with the fact that he was about to go smoke some weed. The meat head exits, and I'm left shaking my head and smirking in the general direction of the cashier, more or less just laughing on the inside that this kid somehow thought he was either A) impressing anyone or B) was some sort of rebel for telling this foreign cashier, who doesn't understand him, what he was about to go and do...

So as I'm shaking my head, the cashier looks up at me from his drawer, and in perfect English says to me "What a tool, huh?"...

Hahaha. Amen to that brotha. Not only did the kid speak English and was from Massachusetts, but he explained to me that there were certain customers that came in where he would pretend not to be from this country simply to avoid any sort of interaction with them...

Well played, sir. Well played...

Perhaps it's a tactic I'll use the next time one of you pink hat Celtics fans tries to chat me up...."La Verdad? Yo no se, 'La Verdad', pero me gusta futbol mucho!"...ha!...suckers...

Good luck in the Derby, kids, and don't forget. Sometimes you're the Roses, and sometimes you're the glue. Here's to hoping that this weekend, you all come up roses...

Catch you on the Flipper Anderson...



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