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Friday, May 29, 2009

How Tweet It Is...

Well, my friends. It's come to this. After years of resisting social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook, I've now taken the final step towards truly becoming one with my generation. A person that's no longer simply concerned with themselves or their friends and family, but concerned that their friends and family know exactly what they're doing and what they're thinking at every waking moment, of every single day...

That's right, Teds. I'm on Twitter. Ready to Tweet my face off, kids! Wonderin' what I'm thinkin' about right now? Head to Twitter, and let it serve as the crack pipe to the big fat rock that is my knowledge. Light that sucker up, start suckin', and don't move your lips until your lungs are full, your brain is enhanced, and you've begun looking at your possessions more as items you can barter for more rock than things you actually own....

That is, once I actually learn how to utilize the damn thing...

You may find it shocking, but as computer savvy as I pretend to be, I'm not really sure how Twitter works, or how to use it. But when Frosco told me it's the best thing to do for my fledgling career as some sort of know-it-all, comedian/sports journalist, I figured it was worth doing. After all, he's the one that provided the beautiful Rooch Nation logo. And just because he flaked out as my editor, doesn't mean I should stop listening to his advice, does it?

Yeah, I didn't think so either. Plus he says he's gonna pimp my Twitter homepage out, and give me the optimal setup to start Tweeting my thoughts all across Al Gore's glorious landscape. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. And seeing as the graphical aspect of my career is the one place where Sco has come through in spades, I expect nothing but big things to come from my Twitter career. But again, that's only when I finally figure out how to use it...

In the meantime, I've decided to practice my Twitter-ing right here with this week's edition of the Nation. From what I've been led to believe, Twitter is basically a string of "status updates" like you'd see on FaceBook. They're short, breif, to-the-point, one-line gems that are either designed to tell people what you're doing, to request or give help in a forum type setting, or to give your followers access to your thoughts and ideas on just about anything and everything that may pop into your head...

Me? I'll be using it to dish out the funk. A few lines at a time. Current events smack? I'll be all over it. Random names that I come up with that I think would make for a good race horse? Bam! Tweetin' it up. Links to places where you can see Australian meth documentaries or a certain number of girls and a certain number of cups? W-W-W-Dot, I'm gonna be Tweetin' that shit like a mother-fucker-Dot Com...

That is, once I actually learn how to use it...


Until that day comes, and trust me I'll make sure to let you know when it does, I've decided to test out my one-liners on some of the events that have been taking place over the last week. Now as we all know, brevity isn't exactly my strong suit. Sure I have impeccable one-line ability, but I'd much rather rip you with said one-liner, and then go on to tell you for five minutes how it was actually way funnier than everyone originally thought. Hopefully, through practice, I'll be able to hone that style as to where you will read my Tweet, and be able to know exactly where my stream of consciousness was going to go to next. It's a fine science, I know, and one I'm attempting to master, so please bare with me. I swear by the time I hit the Tweetosphere with all I've got, Ashton Kutcher is gonna be scratchin' his latest trucker hat, and wishin' he took FOX's offer to do play Kevin Pittsnogle on "That West Virginia Show"...

For now, get your 'Test-Tweet' on right here, and make sure to let me know how bad they suck. I know ripping me up is one of your favorite past times anyway, and what kind of host would I be if I didn't encourage you to have a good time while visiting my information superhighway home away from home?

Have at it kids, and don't let Osama get you down on your way out...



Tweet #1

Comedian and roast-master, Jeffrey Ross came up with a great one liner while judging the finale of Dancing With the Stars. When commenting on the no-name participants in the final, Ross Said "I Googled you people and it said 'Ehhhhhhh....ask Yahoo!'" Ha! Freaking brilliant, man. Now if only you had the sense to not actually participate in the show in the first place, and gotten the boot on the first episode, then I could actually respect you. Coming this Fall "Dancing With the Teds", featuring Joba Chamberlain dancing with that old midget lady in the green suit that Frosco and I saw outside the OTB...

For those who don't remember, she was basically a leprechaun woman with some sort of whispy beard goin' on and the worst teeth this side of Cincinnati...


Tweet #2

1978 - The Who said "fuck" in the song "Who Are You", and nobody cared...

1985 - The Dire Straits said "faggot" 3 times in 30 seconds on their smash hit "Money For Nothing", and nobody cared...

2009 - Dennis Eckersley said "shit" on a live NESN broadcast of a Boston Red Sox game, and nobody cared...

One day I hope to have that kind of power. And then you're all screwed...


PS - Heidi Watney is still a smokin' hot little minx...Chlorophyll? More like Heidi Hot-Ney!...wait, that didn't come out right...

PPS - You can't see up her skirt in that picture, so stop trying... Trust me...

Tweet #3

I despise people that use the word "monies". Feb-RU-ary is chill, but monies as to go. It's money people, and you seeing as you can't provide a legit instance in which "monies" has to be used, then I think it should be stricken from the language altogether. And who do I go about speaking to in order to get that remedied, anyway? I mean I called Al Gore's house, but between the restraining order and the fact that I don't even think it's his real number, I'm getting the distinct feeling I'm gonna need another source...



Tweet #4

If you still don't believe my fantasy team controls the baseball universe, peep the latest evidence...

In order to solidify my man crush with Yankees OF Melky Cabrera, I went online and purchase a shirt with the phrase "The Melkman Delivers!" on it. It's a nice shirt, with a milkman carrying come milk and a bat, and as I see it, wearing it will help me prove 2 points. 1) I love baseball so much that I can wear a shirt representing a New York Yankee and you still can't question my Red Sox loyalty AND 2) I love Yankee play-by-play man, John Sterling, and I love the Melkman. I love it when he delivers, I can't get enough of Sterling's call when he actually does deliver. And all in all, I really like the way the guy plays the game...

The day I got the email that my shirt had shipped out? Melky went head first into the center field wall, and is now out for at least a week...

Still doubting my power? Yeah, I didn't think so...


Tweet #5

Campaigns have sprung up on the Intraweb aimed at getting Manny Ramirez elected to this year's All Star team, and I for one could not be more in favor. The game has long since been exposed as a joke. Or if you asks the old-timers, "turned into" a joke over the last 10-15 years by the "play everyone" mentality and the "every team has to represented" rule...

And the voting system is an even bigger joke. With people voting online there's no way to limit how many votes they can cast. And we all know how eccentric those Internet shut-ins can be when they set their minds to something. Can you say, Sanjaya?...

So I say vote for Manny, get him in the damn game. At least it will force baseball to make some sort of decision one way or another, and could ultimately pave the way for a more appropriate way of deciding who plays...

Oh and just for the record. Voting for Manny for any other reason than the one I stated above, means you don't really like baseball. You might think you do, but I'd give another look at the color of your hat if I were you...and then throw it in the trash and submit to me as your sports master and mentor...



Tweet #6

The Sox and Yanks are in a virtual tie for 1st place in the AL East. It is also May 29th...

That's what I think about that...





Tweet #7

Tom Brady may be back practicing with the Pats, but it's the absence of DT Vince Wilfork that has me concerned. They can't run the 3-4 the way they want to without him, and the two sides don't seem remotely close on numbers for a new deal. "It is also May 29th" applies here too, but it's just something to keep an eye on...

Welcome back, Tommy boy! And good looks on baby #2! The 50% bastard percentage is probably a little low for you, being a perfectionist 'n all, but somethin' tells me you'll have it upwards of 80% before it's all said and done...80% on the "non-bastard" side, that is...


Tweet #8

Watching LeBron hit that fade away game winner against Orlando on Saturday night was almost enough to draw me back into the NBA Playoffs. I've made no bones about how I love LeBron, but not the league, and it looked as if his performances were gonna be enough to at least force me to give the games a look when they're on TV...

Almost. It took about 5 minutes of watching the next game, between Denver and LA, until I remembered that it was never the level of play that made me anti-NBA Playoff basketball. I hate the regular season because the games are flat out boring, 1-on-1 dunk fests. But in the Playoffs, they actually play a good brand of defensive basketball. The problem, is that the refs apparently aren't ready for that style of play, and nearly every game is decided by one or more of their questionable calls. Combine that with the fact that most NBA fans feel the league conspires to see certain teams match up, and a ref recently convicted of being on the take, and the whole thing looks as dirty as sin. And a sin like murder, not like pre-marital sex...



Maybe the league should, I don't know, invest some money in some refs that say weren't around during the Kennedy administration? I mean I'm sure tenure and experience have their place and play their part, but come on. Give me some younger guys that can keep pace with the "world's best athletes", not some geezer that tries to pay his bookie with his AARP card...

Get a clue, Stern. Either take these old bastards off the books, or watch your game's credibility go the way of ESPN the phone, or Serena Williams' ass on the Atkins diet...




Tweet #9

If you didn't see the ending to the Syracuse/Cornell National Lacrosse final, you really need to check it out. I know, I know. Lacrosse is a fringe sport at best, and the only reason I care is because Syracuse is the sport's greatest program. But trust me, it was an exciting finish...

That, and lacrosse would be a much more popular game if it were marketed correctly. They still have the NHL's problems of not getting a good look at player's faces through the masks and confusing rules, but the action is great.

I mean, it's guys hitting other guys with sticks and chucking a hard ball at a virtually defenseless goalkeeper. What's not to love?...Oh, and they're even Americans whose last names you can pronounce! Bonus!...



Tweet #10

I watched a documentary on former US Congressman, Charlie Wilson, immediately followed by NatGeo's latest 9/11 documentary, a 2 part, 4 hour event entitled "Inside 9/11". Conclusion? The CIA couldn't tie their shoes if you spotted 'em a pair of those spiral laces that they give to 3-year olds. The evidence that he and his peeps were up to something was right in front of their face, they had multiple opportunities to kill him, yet he has always able to evade them. The whole intelligence community was really asleep at the switch for quite some time, and it's really sad and frightening to see it laid out before you in such a "matter of fact" fashion. Naturally you have to take these things with a grain of salt, but it's still disconcerting nonetheless...

And oddly enough, from a tactical standpoint, I've come to admire bin Laden's use of strategies laid out in Sun Tzu's, "The Art of War". He knew he couldn't beat the US by coming over here, so by striking on 9/11 like he did, he was able to bait us into going to fight him on his own turf. It's the typical, "when you're enemy is big and you are small" scheme that fucked us in Vietnam, is fucking us in Iraq, and will most assuredly lead to us leaving Afghanistan have not accomplished any of our objectives...

Fact of the matter, is that throughout history, those that win battles have followed Sun Tzu's advice, and those that have lost, have gone completely against it. Check it out, it's tried and true. And actually, it's so cut and dry that it should give anyone with a decent head on their shoulders serious pause for concern...



Sorry to leave you on such a downer, but as we say in the Tweeting world, "If you don't like it, then you can go 'Tweet' yourself". OK maybe they don't say that, but once I figure this thing out, you never know!

Hope you enjoyed my fore into Tweeting, and while I know I still have to work on editing my stream on conscious, I hope you'll take the ride with me, and help guide me through the first pot-holes and blinker-hating Asian women that I come across on my road to success...

And who knows, maybe one of these days, I'll be Tweeting about you! Probably not, but it's fun to have dreams...


Vote Pittsnoggle/Ferruccio in 2016: We do the Meth, so you don't have to!

I'm outta here...

100...

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