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Tuesday, May 05, 2009

And It's Fred Durst By A Nose!



Suddenly, it's all become crystal clear...

What's become crystal clear, you ask? Well I think the results of these two ESPN.com poll's should speak to my epiphany...





Poll Question 1:

Was the Celtics/Bulls 1st round series the greatest NBA Playoff Series of all time?

Results

Yes - 43 %

No - 57%

Just because "NO" technically was the winner, doesn't mean this poll still doesn't display some of the grossest fan negligence since those Teds in Philly booed Santa Claus. And what's better, is that some of the media have actually reigned in their opinion of the series, taking time to at least clarify that they consider it "one" of the best "1st round" series in NBA history. Not Celtics play by play guy, Sean Grande. He's sticking to his guns. But at least some of the frauds out there have realized how idiotic they sounded calling a series missing it's best player, and lacking any legitimate defense one the "best series ever"...


And to those of you out there that wish to argue my no defense argument by pointing to all the "contested shots" and technical/flagrant fouls, you're just gonna have to do some research, and we're gonna have to go ahead and agree to disagree...

Good news though, as I spent most of game 7 with a bunch of Celtics fans...outside at a party. Again, don't come to me saying I don't know what I'm talking about, and calling yourself a true fan, when you're not watching Game 7 of what your pink-jerseyed brethren are calling one of the sports' greatest series...


I may be a hater, but at least I'm no fraud...

Moving on...

Poll Question #2:

Which series is more likely to go 7 games?

Results

Lakers/Rockets - 62%

Cavs/Heat - 38%

38%...


Just a mere 5% lower than the people that thought the Celts and Bulls played the greatest series ever...

Only problem? Well wouldn't you know it, the Cavs aren't even playing the Heat in the 2nd round! The Heat got bounced by the Hawks in 7 games! And to make matter's worse, I'm not even sure what's the most embarrassing part. The fact ESPN.com put that poll up like that, that they have someone working for them that would be so ignorant to do it. Or the fact that a bunch of Teds around the country either can't read, or took about as much time to read the poll question as they did when aiming their flesh spear while in the local public bathroom. I mean, I gotta figure the people voting for a team that's been eliminated are the same people that fire urine all over the place and for some reason leave a trail of half-wet paper towels in their wake, don't I? That just seems like a given to me...

But hey, what else should I really expect, right? The world of sports is flat out nutty, and there's no reason I should figure their followers would be any different. And that's where I'm comin' from this week, and after this past week's events, who could blame me. I mean just take a look at some of these stories from over the past several days, and tell me you don't see a direct correlation between the world of sports and entertainment, and a peyote induced all nighter in the Nevada desert. That is to say, there is no correlation, and to ever think we can predict what's gonna happen, is just about as ridiculous as the thought that a white man would ever be considered the best pound for pound boxer in the world. And I don't care that he's British. White is white, people...

So get your freak on with this bizarre list of recent events. And just remember "Whether you think you can effect the outcome of a sporting event, or you think you can't, you're right!. See you tomorrow!"...

How's this for triple reverse karma? In the "picks" contest on ESPN.com dubbed "The Streak", I've been pluggin' alone quite well of late, but haven't been able to put together a better streak than 8 since the start of April. Why? Well I can tell you one thing that hasn't been helpin'. The past 8, yes count 'em 8, times I've picked either the Boston Bruins or the Boston Bruins over the last month+, I've lost. That's two playoff teams, who just both won first round playoff series, but I've managed to only pick them when they lose...

Now I won't lie to ya, I've taken a certain joy with each L, even though it's always ended my streak. But what the fuck, man?! Do these teams really want me to just rip them apart on a weekly basis or what? Throw a dog a freakin' bone once in a while and maybe I wouldn't have to crack jokes about how nobody watches your sport or how the referees are completely incompetent. I mean, those things would still be accurate as all Hell, but maybe I'd ease of a bit and actually throw some support your way...

On second thought, no I wouldn't. And to be even more blunt, I'm going to take one for team "Hubert Pubis + The Dudes" (my streak entry name) and vote for the Celtics and Bruins every time they play with the hopes of somehow crushing the spirits of all the bandwagon jumpers that still can't remember off the top of their heads which channel VS is on their cable box...

Hey, I'm a hater, what can I say? Maybe if you people hadn't driven me to this I'd be a lot cheerier and actually able to enjoy some of this playoff action. But no. You had to be you. Which is why I have to be me. So suck it. I hope they lose. I hope I lose. I hope we all lose. Then at least, we can focus on more important things, like...








...Torry Holt's gross finger! This is just a quick aside, but tell me it's not freaky, not to mention physically insane, that this guy can not only live like that, but has used that mozzarella-less stick of a finger to become one the decade's most prolific wideouts. It's as glorious as it is gross, and I just wanted to pass that along before you wrote me off as a humorless hater filled with some sort of sketchy anti-Boston winter sports thing goin' on...

But moving on...

Nothing is as bizarre in my mind than the outcome of the 135th Kentucky Derby. First and foremost, no horse died on the track, which cost me $10. Secondly, the favorite, Freisan Fire, came in second...to last! And thirdly, the horse that one the damn thing, Mine That Bird, was essentially a 60-1 long shot that most handicappers immediately wrote off. I read one review of this horse that read as follows...

"The only way Mine That Bird will win the Kentucky Derby, is if that same disease that hit that Polo match hits the Derby field, and he only has to hurdle over 19 other horse corpses to capture the title"

OK so I completely made that up, but you get my point. With the winner being the 58 to 1 longshot, or whatever the final line was, how can you ever again in your right mind believe any odds ever posted before a race? You just can't. It's what makes it fun to bet on, but it's what also makes it really frustrating for a pink-horse like myself...

Ah well, I'll get 'em next year. And hey, it's not all bad. OF the $36 I put down on the Derby, I sold $18 of the action to Frosco before the race, and that night won $20 from a previous wager involving the Pacqio/Hatton fight. Some rules of thumb never change. When it comes to boxing, you never bet on the white guy. Up $2, son. So I guess it ain't all bad...



Oh and while I'm patting myself on the back for my tremendous financial gain, allow me to give myself props for correctly predicting, before the season began, that LeBron James would be the NBA's MVP of the '08-'09 campaign. Yes, thank you, thank you. I know, I know, I'm ill, but thank you...

Now if only he and his Cavs can really make me look good and win the whole thing in 6 games against the New Orleans Hornets. SportsNation thinks I can do it. I just saw a poll on ESPN.com, and it says that result is currently running at 18%. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. They definitely know what they're talkin' about...

Oh and just for the record, leading the pack with 41% was Michael Phelps and Lance Armstrong over The Dan Cortese Rock 'N Jock All Stars in 5 games. But of course we all knew that would be the #1 choice. Those teams are just really good...



Speaking of sick individuals, you really should be taping and watching this week's Poker After Dark on NBC. It airs at like 2 AM, and what's normally a tournament is this week a cash game with some of the sickest individuals I've ever seen on the felt. Namely Tom Dwan, Antonio Esfandiari, Kenny Tran, and Phil Laak. Oh, and the one person you would all probably recognize, Phil Helmuth, owner of 11 World Series bracelets, is there as well. Episode 1 of the week already saw Dwan pull a massive bluff, and a triple reverse psychology hand between Laak and Dwan that will make even a non poker fan laugh fairly hard...

These guys are good, they're fun to watch, and there's a ton of money on the line. Minimum buy in was $100,000, and Dwan bought in for $250,000. Check it out if you haven't seen it already. Cash games aren't like tournaments, and just by watching a few minutes, you'll see the different set of skills it takes to be a winner in a game like that. Like when a guy has AQ on a queen high board with no real draws, and he's been the aggressor the whole time, but he gets bluffed by someone with 8 high? There's a lot of thinking and second guessing going on there. IT sounds like the guy was an idiot when you read about it, but you try having to call a $130,000 bet on the river with just a pair of queens. Then we'll really see who the idiot is...

And just for the record, it's gonna be you. Didn't mean to ruin the surprise, but I know how some of you can't stand to wait...

Oh and if you really wanna have some fun, look up or ask me about the game invented by Laak and Esfandiari called "Lodden Thinks". It's a prop betting game named after PokerStars pro, Johnny Lodden, and it's about as much fun as you can have in any sort of gambling friendly setting...

To round out this bizarre week I was gonna talk about how the Sox are 4-0 against the Yankees this year or that my fantasy team is only decent Tuesday through Saturday, but I figured this would serve as a more appropriate ending...



Fred Durst directed a movie. It's out in selected theaters, and apparently, it's really good. It's called The Education of Charlie Banks, and you can check out the trailer right here. Durst made the movie in '07, and it did well on the festival circuit. Should be heading to DVD sooner rather than later. Not sure why, but I'll be sure to check it out, and you'd be wise to do the same. At least from the looks of it...









Who knew, right? One minute you're on top of the white rap-rock movement, the next you're a sex tape away from a reality show called "For the Nookie of Fred" on VH1, and now you're what appears to e a legit film maker. Good work, Fred. And thank you for making it pseudo chic to like your music again in a "maybe it was more artsy than we gave it credit for at the time", way. Ya know, like that jam with Method Man where he just kept saying "shut the fuck up"? After seeing the movie I'm sure that line will take on much deeper meaning...

Fred Durst. The legitimate artist. If that doesn't sum up how unpredictable this shit can be, than I don't know what does...


I'm outta here, kids. If I don't work, I don't eat. And I love to eat...

100...

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