Pages

Friday, February 27, 2009

Cougars and Tigers and MILFs, Oh My!



Greetings again, my fellow Intrawebbers, and welcome to another outstanding edition of the online column that's become it's own Nation. Formerly known as the award winning site "Now You Know", the Nation has grown by leaps and bounds in the past year or so since it's inception, and has morphed into the little slice of Mecca that you see before your eyes on this very day...

And that's Mecca for the good Muslims, not the terrorists. They chill in the part of Mecca that looks like that bar from Star Wars where Han and Chewy were poundin' down space brews...

Now like half decent leader of a solid Nation knows, every once in a while you have to take a step back and maybe, "re prioritize" a little bit. Make sure that you're spending the right amounts of time and money on the things that are really important to keeping your Nation alive...

Translation? I've been busy working, drinking and playing poker this week, so what you're gonna get is a condensed version of what you've come to expect from the usually loquacious President of the Nation. Not short on words, mind you, but more short on depth. Essentially, I skimmed the top of my brain this week like a farmer gathering fresh cream on a bright, dewy morning...

You get the crispy, crunchy, gelatinous fat. Maybe not the best for you, but a treat that's sure to get your weekend started off on the right track...

Get out your forks, my good friends, and make sure you save some fat for the end. There's a cat down there that's gonna want that fat. And she's not gonna take no for an answer!...


Get some...


MLB Spring Training

Much like when the NFL and NCAA hoops overlap, I'm not gonna start getting big into my baseball coverage until the field of 64 has whittled itself down to a precious few.



*NESN hottie and Varitek homewrecker, Heidi Watney, took some time out to talk to her favorite captain this week, and the conversation quickly took a turn for the weird...and possibly reptilian? Oh, and she has the video to prove it! Take a look...

http://deadspin.com/5160765/heidi-watney-has-gator-troubles-with-dramatic-video

Oh I bet they just have the cutest conversations after they do it in the clubhouse hallway real quick before the wife...ex wife shows up...

And I have to agree with Deadspin.com on this one. I'm pretty sure that "gator" is an inanimate object. Dumb, hot blond...


*Seeing as I went on an A-Rod rant last week, I figure the spirit of journalistic integrity forces me to give a follow up. So here it is.

This guy just doesn't get it, and he's fixin' to go down just as hard and fast as I originally predicted. Evidence? He had his cousin pick him up from the Yankees first spring training game...

Yeah. Needless to say the Big Steins told him that wouldn't be happening again, and then proceeded to send ole cousin Yuri out to get them 3 calzones from Paisano's. Ayyy! Ohhh! I'm roidin' here!..

*Manny Ramirez and Scott Boras have again turned down the Dodgers and their offer in the neighborhood of 2 years and $45 million. I don't know, Scotty. If you're still waiting on your patented "mystery team" to show up, I think February 27th is cutting it a little close, don't you?

Then again, as much as I'd love to rip Boras, I'd have to think at this point it's strictly Manny that;s holding out for more cash and years. Boras got what he wanted. Manny left the Sox, tore up those option years, and now whatever contract Manny signs, Boras gets a cut. Granted the bigger his cut the better, but I think at this point even he would be willing to take a cut on the years just to get Manny on the field...

Gordon Gecko was right. Greed is good. But when you have a lot of other clients watching you and how you react to the situation, sometimes even greed has to take a back seat to sanity and common sense. Two things Boras has, but that his client lacks...

PS - Manny will still land in LA. Either that or Japan. That crazy bastard...

PSS - In regards to the World Baseball Classic, I shant be watching. I figured the easiest way to explain why, is that I like MLB baseball, and not whatever sort of diluted Olympics version this might be. And go ahead, criticize my love for the game or my love for my country. I'll crush you like Ivan Drago...well at least when he killed Apollo Creed. Not when he lost to Rocky. And certainly not when he was railing out Brigitte Neilsen...

Did somebody just say Flavor Flaaaaaaav!?

I didn't think so...


NCAA Tournament

Going back to the NCAA tourney for a minute. Things are beginning to heat up, leading to the inevitable argument involving teams on the dreaded "bubble". Now while I have mental acumen to break all that down for you myself, I've instead decided for the time being to defer to to ESPN.com, where they are the masters of all things "bubble". Well, that and they actually have people being paid to do this shit...

Bubble Watch: http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/bubblewatch?id=88


My only hope is that my trust in them doesn't backfire like it did last week with Greivis Vasquez. I had no idea how to spell the Maryland guard's name, so I went to the World Wide Leader to check it out. In multiple places they had "G-r-e-v-i-s", so I went with it. Hours later, when I see it spelled differently on TV, I double check almost more to prove that the TV was wrong. ESPN.com had changed the spelling they had before, and covered their tracks as if nothing had ever been wrong in the first place. So do me proud this time, oh World Wide Leader. Don't make me have to go Christian Bale on your ass AND/OR possibly force Skip Bayless, Dana Jacobson and Bob Ley into filming the porn remake of Sea Biscuit called "Tea Bagscuit". Naturally Jacobson gets the lead as the horse, and Bayless would be the jockey. But then I'm sure you already knew that's where I was going with that...


The National Football League

NFL free agency isn't even 12 hours old, and already the dollars are flying faster than Howard Hughes on a 6 day coke bender. Here are a few headline grabbers that have gotten this portion of the offseason started at breakneck speed...

Haynesworth Steps on Eye, Gets $100 Mil: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3939011

Fred Taylor...Yes!: http://www.sportsnetwork.com/merge/tsnform.aspx?c=sportsnetwork&page=nfl/news/newstest.aspx?id=4215764

As you can tell by my hysterical, "make believe" headlines, I'm very much in favor of one signing, and very much against the other. If you couldn't tell that, then again, I have to take this time to suggest that you leave this page right now, and proceed directly to http://www.meetthebrowns.com/. Stop wasting my time, and start giving TBS the white, upper class audience it needs to actually start charging people for the ads they run...




Haynesworth may have served his time for stomping out Dallas center Andre Gurode, but I just don't like the overall message it sends. It's a business. I get it. That's what the market would bare. I get it. Daniel Snyder is an eccentric dumb ass with a ton of money to burn. I get it. But did he really have to cash in like this? Not only is he the 1st free agent to sign, but he was the most widely pursued and is probably going to end up with the most guaranteed money. $41 mil? More than $30 mil over the first 13 months? Guaranteed? Wow. What an ugly precedent. Just imagine how much he would have got had he spiked a guys nut. Cha-Ching!!!/Ouch that hurt just typing it...


As for Fred Taylor, I liken his arrival to Foxboro like that of Curt Schilling to Boston. Now hold on, I don't necessarily mean in terms of impact, I'm talking more about the type of player. More to the point, I'm talking about how I felt about both of them before they came to my team. Taylor is a solid guy who has been a great performer for quite some time on some really good teams. Just like Schilling was. Let's just hope Taylor doesn't turn into a fat, pompous media whore with a ketchup stain on his sock...

Oops? I didn't just go there, did I?...



Tiger "F'ing" Woods

Tiger Woods is back, which is great for golf, but it seems in his 8 month absence people have forgotten exactly how the game of golf works. Even Tiger doesn't win 'em all, folks. And as much as you and I both wanted him to come out and kick every body's ass, it just wasn't all that likely a scenario...

As for all this junk I'm hearing about how he shouldn't have lost to a bum like Tim Clark? Please, guys. Get a clue. Clark may be winless in 173 starts on the PGA Tour, but anyone that knows golf, knows that little South African can swing a mean stick. I mean people are reacting to this upset like a 15 beat a 2 in the NCAA tournament, when I would compare it more to a 7 beating a 2 in the second round. An upset, yes, but probably not as big of one as it appeared on the surface...

Tiger will get his, it'll just be a matter of time...

Good to have ya back, buddy. Beat the Phat guy once this year just for me. And then expose him my ripping off that girdle that's blatantly cutting off most of his oxygen...


MILFs and Cougars...

Are there two better words in the English language for a soon to 26 year old male? I think not. And boy do I have a great example of each thanks to my time this week call screening on the Buddy Cianci Show on News Talk 630 WPRO...

On Thursday, between the hours of 10 and 2, I was in a production studio that had the TV firmly fixed on Regis and Kelly. Regis was off, with Anderson Cooper sitting in, but I was more interested in Kelly Ripa, his female counterpart. After all, what the Hell could I possibly want with Anderson Cooper? That Bill Maher bastard-child lookin' Ted...


Kelly Ripa. Mmmm mmmmm good, baby. Just like the delicious Campbell's Soup. OR maybe, to show my full on love for her tight body and cute little quirks, I should give out the obligatory, "Jean Claude Van Damn! she's fine!"


She's full on MILF, with an extra emphasis on the "ILF" part. The 38-year old mother of 3 looks like she just had her 19th birthday, and usually dresses as if the were about to film a scene in an upper crust porno. You know, like the ones where the chick is the teacher and she ends up letting the suspiciously old looking student rail her out to help give his grade a boost?

Seeing as we all know what the first thing males my age think of when they go to bed, it's she's not exactly helping the cause when she's the first thing we see in the morning. Hey there call the doctor it's been more than 8 hours!...

Then there's the cougar, and with this one even I have to admit I was a little surprised at myself...




It's 62 year old soap star, Susan Lucci. Hey, anyone that's had that much work done deserves to be hot at 62 if you ask me. She looks damn good, even if she has lost like a million Emmy Awards in a row! And more to the point, it's how proficient she is at those Pilate's moves that really has me goin'. Reminds me the conversation we had one night in college about the advantages to having a cheerleader/girlfriend with no limbs. No arms, no legs. Just torso, boobs, face, and ass. Sketchy, I know, but combine that idea with some of the slick moves Lucci is making on that machine, and you'll see where we may have been on to something all along with our sick young minds...

And it's a win freakin' win, baby. I get to watch Susan Luci bounce around, and she teaches the younger generations not only how to stay tone, but how to be an amateur porn star in just 20 minutes, 3 times a week!..

Keep up the good work, babe, and make sure you hit me up the next time you're in Providence. I have an available "lap" where you can demonstrate to me all those effective Pilate's moves...

Rarrrr!....



FarceBook

Finishing up this week, I have yet another proclamation about the virtual crack that is the social networking site, FaceBook.

If you ask someone to be your "friend", but then proceed to not respond to anything they send you, then you're so sick in a really sad way that it's not even funny. Like, normally it would be funny and I would point and laugh at you, but this is just so sad that it almost makes me wanna frown a little.

What doing that does, is make it blatantly obvious to everyone involved that the only reason you wanted to "friend" the person in the 1st place, is to boost your total # of friends. It's like calling someone on your cell phone, and when they pick up you immediately end the call. Like you did it just to prove to someone else you had their number.

Truly a sad commentary...

And no, I didn't go on that rant because I stalk chicks from high school and they won't return my messages, so don't even try to go there. I'm just calling all you frauds out, and trying to scare you into making the Intraweb a safer, more enjoyable place for those of us that know how to use it responsibly....


And on that note, I'm outta here boys and girls...

Have your pets spayed or neutered, don't forget to tip your waitress, keep reaching for the stars, and have caviar dreams...

100...

0 comments:

Post a Comment