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Friday, February 20, 2009

Back...To The Future OR My Cousin Yuri?

Pimps. Teds. I'd like to welcome you both, and thank one of your for coming. I'm here to talk sports, and I have a feeling there's a certain topic that you have a gut feeling I'm going to discuss...

If you said VH1's Sober House, you're head is in the right place, but you're not as far off as you'd think...

Let's face it. Even with the NBA and NHL closing in on their trade deadlines, MLB Spring Training heating up, and injury updates to Tiger Woods, Tom Brady and now Kevin Garnett, there's only one topic worth discussing right now in the world of sports...

Alex Rodriguez and his use of performance enhancing drugs...

Love it or hate it, it's the topic dejour, and as a semi-responsible journalist/top notch ping pong player, I feel it's my duty to give you my insightful and amazingly original take. Believe me, what I might be lacking this week in range of content, I'm gonna more than make up for with my ability of convincing you that I am the modern day Nostradamus when it comes to all things A-Rod. And it was nothing to do with the finely manicured man-scruff I got workin' on my face piece. Then again, I don't even know if Nostradamus had a beard. I just figured he sounds like a dude that would, bein' all knowing and nerdy, probably locked in some sort of clock tower...

But OK, before I get too off track and start talking about Rodney King and his rehab experience, let's get down to business and figure out what happens from here in the Alex Rodriguez saga...

I told you all last week that I thought A-Rod was screwed. That his admission to using from '01-'03 was gonna come back and bite him in the ass because it was too specific, and because now his credibility was totally shot. He had proven that he was capable of bold faced lying when he talked to Katie Couric, so now any journalist worth their salts was gonna go above and beyond to see if they can again catch the All Star slugger in a blatant lie...


So what now? Has my opinion of A-Rod's predicament changed after his pseudo-emotional press conference?

Well before I answer that, I'll ask you to indulge me a little, and allow me to tell you a little story that could perhaps give you some perspective into my way of thinking.

So please, hop into the official Rooch Nation Delorean, would you? And make sure you don't fuck with the flux capacitor! The last thing we wanna do is piss of Doc Brown. After all, if we're to believe what we saw in BTTF 1, he's probably a full fledged member of al Qaeda, and could very well have direct links to that "Terror Network" Dubya was always blabbering about. But get in anyway. If we have enough time, we can probably go back and fix all that terrorist shit anyway. Right after I go back and catch the spineless prick that stole the sub woofer out of my sea foam green Ford Escort. See how he likes a cro-bar to the mouth...

OK, let's hop in this bad Lawrence and get our time travel on...



Time circuits, ON. Flux capacitor....fluxing? 88 miles an hour. And bam!, it's January 7th, 2008. Funny, I was expecting flying cars and robot prostitutes, but it looks the same as it does today. Weird...

I'm on my way to work at 99.7 & 790 The Score in East Providence, the now defunct sports radio station that used to be where I was attempting to hone my skills. But I digress...

This was the day that Roger Clemens was going to go in front of the media for the first time since being outed by Brian McNamee, and was to give his take on what the reality of his situation actually was. I cruised along in my car (no sea foam, no sub woofer) and listened to The Score as we aired the press conference, and with each word out of Roger's mouth, I was more convinced than ever of his guilt. To me, he seemed Hell bent on destroying Brian McNamee and less concerned with proclaiming his innocence. As anyone that's been caught lying before knows, that's not only the most common defense strategy, but the one of choice when dealing with someone deemed a dead beat like McNamee...

Another example of guilt? That stupid taped phone call he played. Remember? It was the one that Roger, and now infamous law man, Rusty Hardin, told the media would essentially clear the Rocket of any wrong doing. Instead? Disaster! McNamee didn't cop to anything on the tape, and instead came off looking as the emotionally wrecked friend, who only did what he did because he felt it was the only way he could save himself and his family. Basically, he sounded desperate. Not the kind of desperate where he would have rolled on Clemens, but the kind of "there was nothing else I could do" desperate, where it broke his heart to have to give up his friend...

So that's what I took from the press conference. I thought the message was sent loud and clear that at the very least, now Roger Clemens character and credibility had to be seriously called into question...

Then, I walk into work. Now just to preface, the people I was about to encounter I hold in very high regard, which is why I will not sully their good names here, in fear that they will realize how stupid they must have sounded, and proclaim that they actually said the exact opposite of what I'm claiming. They would be wrong in such a claim, but like I said, they've probably at this point OJ'd themselves into thinking they never thought that in the first place. So I'll leave their identities alone. They know who they are, and that should be enough...(muuuahahaha)

I head up the stairs, and upon meeting the 1st of my co workers I say something to the effect of "can you believe this guy? He's screwed", and expect a positive response. Instead, what I got from him, and the 3 others in attendance, was nothing but support for Clemens, and opinions that he had done nothing but helped his cause by the way he handled his press conference...

In a word. I was stunned. In two words? VERY stunned.

These 3 guys, who I can normally count on for sane, unbias opinions on virtually everything "sports", had me thinkin' that either I had just listened to a different press conference, or that they were somehow pulling a joke on me where 5 minutes later they would tell me they were all kidding. It wouldn't have been all that funny a joke, but the corny and nerdy nature of it would have been right up their alley, believe you me...

Then they all left, being done with their shift and leaving me to my own devices. There I was, left to work for the next few hours and left to ponder whether I was right, or whether my thinking on this thing was way off base. A dangerous position for someone of my advanced enlightenment, something most of you troglodytes wouldn't understand. (If you got that movie reference, you need more hobbies too)...

Go home, driving in my Honda, not the Delorean, go to sleep, wake up the next day. The media as a whole is shredding Clemens. ESPN.com has a poll that says virtually everyone not related to him thinks he's full of shit. McNamee sues him for damaging his name in a public forum. The gig is up. Whether he did it or not, he was now officially guilty in the court of public opinion. Not because his accuser was all that credible, but because he himself was flat out looking and acting guilty...

So why do I bring this up when talking about Alex and his press conference?

Roger fooled 3 people. A-Rod didn't fool anybody...



My colleagues may have been blinded by Roger's dog and pony show, with his fancy lawyer tricks and high tech phone recordings, but most of us picked up on his deceit right away. This time, there was no mistake, right from the get go, that A-Rod was playing us for dumb, and trying to put yet another gross lie over on Joe Baseball Fan...

His cousin Yuri gave him the roids? He thought they were for an energy boost? He injected them into his ass a few times a month for only 3 years? This is the credible response he and his PR team came up with? Wow. That's pretty weak. Almost so weak that it could be true, but logic tells us that there's far too much smoke for there not to be some sort of raging tire fire hidden around the next corner...

It's the same logic that forces me to ask, with a book about to hit shelves alleging he's used steroids since high school, how can he go out and be as vague as he was? I mean, the original report filed by SI's Selena Roberts said that A-Rod tested positive for 2 performance enhancers in his '03 test, yet he only addresses this one substance, "Bole"? Come on, man. That's just flat out insulting every one's intelligence...



And already, mere days after his press conference, stories are already being printed, drudging up further evidence that there are o-zone sized holes in his story. What about this trainer, banned by MLB for suspicious roid dealings, thats' been essentially A-Rod's Siamese twin for the past decade? And the fact that this "Bole", the street name for the steroid Primobolan, was never legal in the Dominican Republic like Alex said it was? Both are rather damaging pieces of evidence, and only go to support my theory that we are merely at the tip of this Jose Canseco sized ice berg. All because A-Rod has to apologize on his terms, instead of really coming clean...

Alex says he knows he's not bigger than the game? I say he's got it more twisted than ever. Not only does he think he's bigger than the game, he thinks he's a million times smarter than basically everyone on the planet. That's what he's telling us, isn't it? Like Barry and Roger before him, he's standing in front of all the fans and media, lying through his teeth, and acting shocked when we all don't take him for his word. And he's got the act down pat, right down to the Jedi Mind trick he tries to pull, by giving his version of the story, and then only allowing the press to further prod him on what he's laid forth as fact. Wanna talk about this trainer that MLB termed an "unsavory character"? Of course not. He wants to talk about how naive and dumb he and his cousin were from 2001-2003...

Well bad news, A-Fraud, the questions and the accusations are just beginning. And the thoughts of saving your reputation? They went right out the window when you couldn't muster a real apology to your teammates, and you decided to use "ignorance" as your main defense strategy...

You think you're smarter than the rest of us, that somehow you can convince us of your innocence by continuing to hit Ruthian home runs. But that ship has sailed. You had the chance to come clean, and at least feed the public a story good enough to calm their appetite, but you sunk that ship before it could even pull up the anchor. By using performance enhancers to rise so far and so fast through the MLB ranks, A-Rod very well may have created a monster that he now has no way of stopping...

His attempt to stem the tide, did nothing but raise more questions. And the aftermath is sure to leave the name Alex Rodriguez forever linked with Canseco and Clemens, rather than Aaron and Ruth...

It's the beginning of the end, mark my words. And it's bound to be one of the greatest falls from grace in modern entertainment history. Two notches ahead of River Phoenix, and one behind James Dean. We're talkin' somewhere in Leif Garret/Doc Gooden territory here, kids...

And not even a Delorean can save those fools...

GREY's

SPORTS

ALMANAC

See ya next week, kids. Unless you're too chicken, McFly!...

100...

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