Friday, January 30, 2009

Super Bowl, Facebook & Some Chick's Ass...

What a difference a year makes, huh?

Just think back at this time in 2008...

The Red Sox were coming off their 2nd World Series title in 4 years. The Celtics were ripping through the NBA on their way to banner 17. And the Patriots were 18-0, on the verge of becoming the only team in the modern age to run through the NFL season without a single blemish on their record...

Fast forward to 2009...

The Phillies just ended their fans misery with a World Series title over, of all teams, the Tampa Bay Rays. The Celtics, while still tearing it up, are no longer even the hottest team in their own building. And the 11-5 Patriots sit at home worrying about Tom Terrific's leg, while the 8-8 Cardinals try to become the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked to bring home the Lombardi Trophy...

How did all this madness start, you ask? How, in just one year, was a the seemingly normal sports world, and one that'd been particularly prosperous in New England, get turned completely on it's ass? I mean the Phillies? Cardinals? Rays? Bruins?!?!

It can't be the change Obama promised already taking effect, can it?

No, my friends. It started with a non call, a great throw, a football, a helmet, a little known receiver from Syracuse and a catch that no football fan will ever forget...

It all started with last year's Super Bowl, and if we're lucky, this year's game could provide us with a similar platform to launch a great 2009 for the year of sports and entertainment...

Get some...

Super Bowl XLIII
Pittsburgh Steelers (-7) vs Arizona Cardinals

2008 was the first year since 2000 that I actually lost money betting on the Super Bowl. And seeing as 2000 was the first year I actually bet any money on the Super Bowl, I would say I had been on a rather impressive run...

What's even more impressive, at least from my vantage point, is that I made all those picks strictly on gut feeling, not taking into account any trends, theories, or statistics. Sure it didn't hurt that my home team Patriots were in and won 3 of the 9, but a 6 and 1 record in Super Bowl's they didn't win should give some credence to my selection process. This year in particular, it's been rather easy to ignore all the non stop analysis, because not even the media seems to have a vested interest in this lopsided match up...

That being said, I'm just gonna get right down to business and give you all what I'm sure it is you came to see...

The Pittsburgh Steelers will win the Super Bowl. They will control the game, they will cover the spread, and by midway through the 3rd quarter, their dominance will have most of us looking for the remote to rewind and play back the night's best commercials and celebrity performances. And all that said from someone who spent all week trying to think of reason's other than "Jesus loves Kurt Warner", to pick the Cardinals to take this thing down...

Pittsburgh has the better running game, the better running defense, the better passing defense, and they have infinitely more experience at virtually every position. I mean, what's not to love here? Sure I respect the Cardinals and what they've done to get here. And yes I think Warner's story is a good one. But as the popular saying goes; "It aint show-friends, it's show business", and the Steelers are in Tampa to take care of exactly that...

The key here for me was to not overthink it. Sure I can think of reasons why the Cardinals can win or cover, but from what I've seen, the Steelers are just the far superior team...

Steelers -7, baby, and feel free to bet the house...

And I wanted to take the Cardinals, I really did...

*'s national fan poll is still running at 50/50 as to who is gonna win this thing with more than 600,000 votes having been cast. That means either A) people in Zona are stuffing the ballot box, B) people think they are picking against the spread as opposed to picking a winner, or C) Kevin Pittsnogle has gone all Johnny Appleseed on us and has been delivering Meth all across the country on the back of some sort of pickup truck...

Personally, I'm going with C...

*Congrats to Mike Tomlin who this week was named Motorola Coach of the Year, making him the only man to ever win both that award, and Motorola Employee of the Year in the same lifetime. "Hey man, you got a minute?!" "What is that, a sidekick?!?"...

Ahhh sellin' cell phones at the mall. If there's a more noble profession out there, I've yet to find it...

*And hey, if you're not happy with my breakdown (or lack there of) of the big game, feel free to check this out:

It's a breakdown courtesy of my good friend Adam "Whitey" Rosen and the good people at Much like myself, the White man is trying to break into the sports journalism biz, so check him out, and show him your support. He's got 43 things to look for in this year's Super Bowl, and even a working comment section at the bottom of his page. Huh. Imagine that...

Moving on. Here's how I've been fairing up to this point of the season, for those of you that might be new and have yet to discover how ill I actually am...

ACF/NFC Championships: 1-1-0 (I won with the Cardinals, so suck it)

'08-'09 Playoffs: 5-5-0

2008 Season: 130-90-12 (.602)

Top Picks: 76-39-8 (.650)

Not impressed with my gut pick based on absolutely nothing? Well then try these prop bets on for size. I'm sure a few of them will tickle you in just the right spot. You know, the spot that half gives you wood, half makes you squirm, and half makes you giggle like a little Asian school girl while watching Hello Kitty...

Super Bowl XLIII Prop Bets
(prop bet odds courteys of

Who Will Be Named Super Bowl XLIII MVP?

Anquan Boldin: 12 to 1

Troy Polamalu: 10 to 1

Obviously guys like Warner (5 to 2), Parker (5 to 1) Fitzgerald (11 to 2) and Big Ben (2 to 1) would be the front runners, but if you're looking for some bang for you're buck, then I'd put my money on these two. Besides, props are all about getting good bang for your buck anyway...

Who Will be the First Player to Score a TD?

Tim Hightower: 15 to 2

Again. Not an obvious choice = a good bang for your buck. Parker and Fitzgerald lead the pack as 5 to 1 favorites. Besides, I can just see Hightower being that sketchy guy that scores while legions of bettors scream at their TV's at the events improbability...

Will Matt Millen Pick the Winning Team Correctly During the Pre Game?

NO: +185

Put down $100 to win $185? Money in the bank when it comes to Millen's dumb ass. That guy couldn't pick his nose without a deluge of blood flowing down his shirt...

How Many Times Will Al Michaels and John Madden Refer to Ben Roethlisberger as "Big Ben"?


Madden can't say Roethlisberger without spitting turducken chunks all over the place, and "Big Ben" just rolls off Big Al's tongue. It's as easy as that...

How Long Will Jennifer Hudson Take to Sing the National Anthem?

UNDER 2 minutes 1 second

She has a big voice, but she's also an Academy Award Winner. Translation: She'll get the job down well, but seeing as she's a pro, she'll also get it done in reasonable time. The real question here is, what's the over/under on the % of her massive cleave you'll be able to see while she's beltin' this sucker out. Dear Lord. Talk about sweater cows...

What Color Will Bill Bidwell's Bow Tie Be?

RED: -600

He's the Cardinals owner, so you gotta figure it's gonna be red. Sure is a steep price, but it should be money in the bank. Orville Redenbacher lookin' fool...

(NOTE: If you bet $10 on each one of the props I have listed, it's possible you could walk away with $192 after only betting $70. And that's with you betting on both Boldin and Polamalu winning MVP)

Now on to some more "normal" things. And I can't stress those quotations enough...

Tales From the Book...

Today marks my first full week on the social networking site, Facebook (heard of it, have ya?), and I can't help but share a few of the things I've noticed during the infancy of my journey...

1) So many of you are a straight up slave to this thing. I got people askin' me to be my friend, just so they can pump their numbers. Like what the Hell is that? These fools wouldn't piss on me if I were on fir, yet they want to be my friend on Facebook so their other toolbox friends can see there and marvel about how many friends they have. Bunch of Teds...

2) Despite the fact that too many of you put too many pictures up, Facebook is a good way to check up and see which chick's have gotten fatter, which chicks have gotten hotter, and in the extreme case, which chicks were so pissed off by their experiences with you, that they are now lesbians. Always good information to have...

and 3) You want to know what's wrong with the economy, and I point to the Facebook news feed. The rate at which people post, comment, or whatever they do, has me wonderin' how much work they could be doing at their actual job. You know, the one they're getting paid for?

Maybe that's what Bernie Madoff was doing, and he just plum forgot about all those people's loots. Hey, after what I've seen in the last week, I'd believe it...

And Then There's These...

*In a world full of one-and-done's and guys that are all about the money, it's good to see stories like that of Pitt's DeJuan Blair, chronicled here...

Believe me, I'm not some sucker that's gonna buy all this and then be shocked when Blair bolts for the pros, but it's still a nice story. Touches your heart in that space you were convinced only Bambi and Ole Yeller could occupy...

*Jow Torre's got a book coming out with Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci in which he calls A-Rod a primadona obsessed with Derek Jeter, and often called A-Fraud by most of his pin striped teammates. Again, if this is news to you, then I'm not sure you should have ever considered yourself a baseball fan to begin with. Then again, the confirmation certainly is refreshing...

*Word on Jason Varitek, is that the former Sox catcher is either going to retire, or sit out until at least June rather than accept the Sox offer of 2 years and a guaranteed $8 million...

Listen, I feel bad for the guy, but ultimately the only person he can blame is himself, or his agent. What? The Sox are supposed to bid against themselves simply because there aren't any other viable suitors out there? Ummmm, how bout no. They already did that once with this guy when they gave him 4 years $40 million in his last deal. So as far as good faith gestures go, I think the Sox have done more than enough to help their captain save face.

Or should I say, former captain?...

(nah, he's gonna cave and come back, I was only foolin'. And probably within 48 hours of this post, and somewhere near the deal the Sox reportedly just offered him. I mean, who turns down $8 mil in this economy? That and a chance to stay close to home-wrecker Heidi Watney should be more than enough to lure him back...)

*The Feds raided the house of Greg Anderson's mother this week. Anderson, for those of you that don't remember, was Barry Bonds former trainer and has already served time in prison while refusing to throw Barroid under the bus. Then comes news that Bonds' former teammate, Bobby Estalella, is ready to testify about his first hand knowledge of Barry's steroid use.

Just don't get confused. This may look on the outside like a steroid case attempting to rid the game of one of it's all time worst cheaters, but it's really a perjury case that the Feds are trying to build a la Marion Jones. Personally, I'm finding it pretty hard to tell the difference between MLB and the FBI anymore. Even Selig looks like a freakin' narc...

*John Rocker and Atlanta talk show host Steve "Steak" Shapiro have a heated past. Mostly, Rocker called all New Yorker's "queers with AIDS", and Shapiro, like many other's, too him to task. Then last night, the two were at the same media function, when Shapiro claims Rocker stared him down before hitting him with yet another classy blast...

"We were standing near each other, and he (Rocker) was staring at me the whole night, trying that rock star pro wrestler stuff," Shapiro said. "So finally I say to him 'Let's try to be civil, OK? Can we be civil to one another?' And that's when he exploded.

"He said 'I'm not being civil to you, you motherfucking cocksucker!,' " Shapiro said. "He just went off, and we started going at each other. He called me a 'Jew faggot,' and a couple of other things, you know, just doing what John Rocker does. He was out of control. People had to separate us. I was saying 'Are you going to hit me John? Is that what you want?' Of course knowing full well that he could crush me. I'm 6-2 at 42 years old, and he's 6-5. He could destroy me. But it didn't come to that. We were in each other's face and finally a few people came along and led him out of the bar." (content courtesy of

Ahh John Rocker. A true American least to illiterate people and losers from the South...

And you have to love where Shapiro enticed Rocker to hit him, knowing full well it was never gonna happen. Classic tough guy talk with nothing to back it up, I love it. Matter of fact, you find that move in the introductory paragraph of the Rooch Self Defense handbook right. Coming soon to Amazon, and then immediately on Craigs List full of cigarette burns, blood, and some sort of resin stain...

*This is where I would tell you where Tanya Seymour, wife of Richard Seyour, was arrested and charged with 2nd degree lynching. But seeing as I'm a white guy, I've decided the PC thing would be to just let this one alone, and have the Herald fill you in on the details...

...And just to keep the theme of the prop bets going, I got 3 to 1 says Tanya Seymour is a long lost relative of the Williams Brothers, Penus and Serenus. And 7 to 1 that Allen Iverson braids her hair...

Now let's check in on the Intraweb. After all, even in all it's glory, it's not gonna check in on itself...

Al Gore's Greatest Hits

*Much thanks go out to the beautiful, stunning, saucy and charismatic Alexandra "Routy" Routenberg for passing this one along...

Raccoon Bites Off Dude's Junk:

Apparently bestiality isn't as cool as a lot of porn sites have led me to believe. Hmmmm....

And easy boys, she's taken. And that's Alex, not the raccoon. Although maybe that severed peen has something to say about that furry guy's relationship status...

*This next piece of genuine Intraweb genius was passed on to me by my good friend, and sometimes contributor/editor, Kevin "Frosco" Tomasso. He too gets his nickname put in parenthesis, but there will be no tasteful picture of him in a corset looking surprised to see his own ass..

Poor Laurence. I once proudly wore your jersey, and now I've ceased telling people I know where you live. Now I'm stuck just telling people I went to high school with the cousin of the kicker. Thanks a lot!...

*Another tidbit via an NYC associate comes from now two time contributor Rob "Diet Coke" Slavin. He knows I love the Internet, and he knows I love the AMC original drama, Mad Men. Hence, this...

*To further my point about how average fans are sheep, and people have no idea what they're talking about when it comes to college hoops, there's this...

ESPN had a poll on Sunday asking which team in America should be #1 on Monday. The choices were Duke, Pitt, Wake Forest, UCONN, UNC and OTHER. I voted for Pitt, and Duke won with a resounding 73% of the vote. Now fast forward to Thursday (1/29). asked the Question: Which is the best team in the ACC? Wake Forest, UNC, or DUKE? I voted for UNC, and based solely on their 2 point buzzer beating road loss to Wake, the Dukies finished a distant 3rd in the polling at 17% (Wake 44%, UNC 40%).

Again, I'm not sure how many times I'm going to have to explain this, but I'll give it at least one more shot. This time in list form so I don't lose those of you that fit the aforementioned Facebook mold...

1) The purpose of the rankings, is to determine which team is the best in the country. IE Which team has the best chance of winning the NCAA tournament, if the tournament were to start when the poll came out. If I'm missing the point, and that's not the purpose of the rankings, then I have to question all together why they even exist..

2) Teams are better when they play on their own home court. This may seem like elementary logic, but it's rather vital when you consider...

3) ...The NCAA tournament is played ENTIRELY ON NEUTRAL COURTS. If you beat a team at home during the regular season, it by no means indicates you would beat them should the two of you meet on a neutral floor in March.

Duke's two point road loss, if anything, told me they are just as good, if not better than the Deamon Deacons, and would have a great shot at beating them should the teams meet somewhere other than their home courts in Durham or Winston-Salem...

Ahhhh I gotta stop venting about that now or I just might go on forever...
I'll get back into that on Monday with the unveiling of my new Top 25, so make sure you check back...

Until then my friends, enjoy the Super Bowl. If you play your cards right, you could end up sitting on a rather large pile of casheesh before the day is through. Granted you'll probably have to spend all that money trying to fix the hole in your colon due to all the game time snacking. But what are you gonna do...

Good luck, and God speed...



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