Friday, January 16, 2009

The Lawfirm of Boras, Pioli, Rice & McBeard...

What it is, fine citizens?

It's another week, and thanks to some editorial adjustments that means I have another list of names to throw at ya. I've been getting a lot of positive feedback since starting 2009 with this new and improved format, so for now, I'm just gonna run with it...

This week I start off with Scott Boras, end with Gus Johnson, and manage to tackle some football, fat chicks, and drugged up monkeys along the way. If you think manipulating monkeys for the purpose of entertainment is wrong or cruel, then not only is this not the site for you, but you're gonna need to go ahead and get yourself a bloody steak, a fur coat, and a freaking sense of humor...

Get your read on, and enjoy...

Scott Boras

Got a new Boras conspiracy for ya, and this one revolves around still unsigned former Red Sox captain and catcher, Jason Varitek.

Now let's break it down...

1) Varitek became a free agent after the '08 season, the final season of a 4 year $40 million contract.

2) The Red Sox offered Varitek salary arbitration, meaning that should he walk away and sign with another team, the Sox would be guaranteed a 1st round draft pick from the team that picked him up.

Now for those of you not familiar, salary arbitration is a process where the team and the player both come up with a # they think they should be making, and an independent arbitrator decides on which party has the right #. Make no mistake, there's no middle ground. If the Sox think Tek should make $10, and he thinks he should make $10,000,000, the arbitrator can't settle on somewhere in the middle. He (or she?) would have to pick one of the #'s. Now what normally happens is that the two sides decide on a # before the arbitrator, but that's not always the case.

In this particular situation, it is widely believed that Jason would have garnered somewhere between $8 and $11 million for one year.

3) Varitek and Boras decline the offer of salary arbitration, thus officially putting him on the open market.

Translation: Boras and Tek were convinced they could get more money, and more years than the Red Sox were willing to give them...

Now stop, because this is where shit could have gotten dicey...

Imagine this for a minute. What if Scott Boras and Jason Varitek turned down salary arbitration because they were under the impression that Theo Epstein was willing to discuss what in their eyes would be a legitimate contract, with money in the same neighborhood as the one year salary arbitration offer? All of a sudden that deal falls apart from what Boras sees as a lack of good faith by Epstein, and the super agent decides to turn the tables, and screw the Sox out of the Mark Teixeira sweepstakes. Possible? Why not? Likely? Well I'd say it's just as likely as Teixeira not comin' here because his wife had a bad experience on Newbury Street!

Just somethin' to mull over in the 'ole noggin'...

Sox Ink Youk to 4 Year Deal Worth $40 Mil:

See what happens when you don't need to deal with Boras?...

So can the Sox and Boras put their anger aside long enough to bring Tek back? Do the Sox even want Tek back? And at what cost? Not until these questions are answered, or as close to answered as humanly possible, will we know if my conspiracy theory holds any weight. But hey, the waiting is supposed to be the fun part, right?

Yeah, waiting for Boras to get whats comin' to him...

Jim Rice

It took 15 years, but in his final year of eligibility Red Sox slugger Jim Rice was finally elected to Baseball Hall of Fame. He'll join Ricky Henderson as the only 2 members of the Cooperstown class of 2009, and perhaps just as importantly, will begin to remind the elitist MLB writers who vote to take a second look at a lot of the worthy players whose careers got lost in the shuffle amid all the bloated stats of what's now referred to as the "Steroid Era"...

Think about it. Rice got on the ballot in 1993. Now the reason he didn't get in right away, was because the writers didn't really care for him, and wanted him to wait a few years to help teach him a lesson. Sounds dumb, but the baseball writers are about as pompous and arrogant as they come, and to get into that would be a whole other column altogether. So, right about the time they were getting ready to come of their high horses and let him in, power numbers started to skyrocket higher than Roy Tarpley at Escobar's after party. All of a sudden his 382 career homers look paltry for a Hall of Fame slugger, and his average of 113 RBI a season looked more like the production that most MLB teams were looking for from their everyday 2nd baseman rather than a feared middle of the lineup slugger...

Now, with numbers starting to fall back to earth, his 30 homers, 30 doubles, and 113 RBI a year, along with his career .298 average, are beginning to look every bit as impressive as they should have all along, and as impressive as they were to the fans that watched him play in the 70s and 80s. Writers and fans alike have recognized that there was indeed a Steroid Era, and that a guy like Rice truly was one of the games best players before the pharmaceutical madness ensued..

So props to the writers for finally coming around, and props to Jim Ed Rice for finally getting in the Hall. It's a well deserved honor, and will hopefully serve as a wake up call, and allow many other deserving candidates entry into one of sport's greatest Halls of Fame...

Rice's career #'s:

Note: Mark Grace, Ron Gant, Matt Williams, Mo Vaughn, Jay Bell, Greg Vaughn and David Cone all recieved less than 5% of the vote in their 1st year on the ballott, meaning that it will also be their last year on the ballott. Poor Mo. First he loses his carwash, and now this!

Scott Pioli + Josh McDaniels

Before Scott Pioli, there were coaches, co-oridnators, players and general managers. Now, thanks to his mastery of the position, people in New England have come to know the term "Vice President of Player Personnel". To borrow a term from the Bill Parcell's book, he did a great job writing out the grocery list so that Bill Belichick could put together a great meal...

Before Josh McDaniels, there was Charlie Weis, and unlike Pioli, it took about 4 years on the job before anyone really even knew McDaniels existed. When he first took over, everyone assumed it was Belichick calling all the offensive plays, and that this late 20-something kid was just there to more or less make it look like they had an offensive co-ordinator...

Now, they're both gone. Piloi to KC and McDaniels to Denver. And like it or not, both will have the unenviable task of proving that Bill Belichick was not the sole reason for their success. Piloi will have to prove he's just as good at shopping for the gorceries as he is setting up the list, while McDaniels will have the even taller task of translating the success he's had with the Pats prolific offense into wins with the Jay Cutler and the Denver offense...

The question now becomes, will it be tougher for the Pats to replace them, or will it be tougher for them to duplicate the success they had here in New England. Guys like Crennel, Weis and Mangini would humbly admit that the ladder is probably the case, but it's going to be intersting to see how these guys manage outside the Foxboro Family...

Good luck, fellas. And as Don Vito Corleone said to "the Turk", Virgil Sollozzo. "I want to congratulate you on your new business and I'm sure you'll do very well and good luck to you. Especially since your interests don't conflict with mine. Thank you.".

..and hey, look out for those toll booths on the causeway...

Ed Werder

The only thing creepier than John Clayton's alleged ponytail, is Ed Werder's moustache. And the only thing that out rivals Clayton's man love for his fights with Sean Salisbury, is Werder's raging hard on for meddling with anything and everything to do with America's Team, the Dallas Cowboys...

He's to the Cowboys, what Sal Paolantonio is to the Eagles, and what ESPN is hoping Wendi Nix will turn into for the Patriots. Only difference is, instead of reporting on the news, Werder is a flat out insitgator. He's the one that broke the news about the infighting between TO and Jason Witten, and now he's the one breaking the story about how Jerry Jones son is trying to convince the aging owner to cut Owens loose...

Now I know that's what a good reporter should be doing, hunting and digging for stories. But since when did ESPN turn into TMZ? And don't even try to tell me that I myself feed off stories like this, either. I like to rip people's character as much as the next guy, but I at least wait for them to do something first, rather than snooping around for something merely because it could be sensational...

When and IF TO gets cut, then you go with the story about the son talking him into it. Until then, stick to picking dude liquid out of your mustache, and leave the real reporting to the real reporters, you creep show...

God Bless Al Gore

Not sure if this is a new segment or not, but here are the best/worst things people have sent me this week from the glorious tool known as the World Wide Intraweb. Take a look, just keep in mind that I'm not responsible if you puke all over your keyboard. And yea, I'm not talking about the story with the flying animal feces...

This Shit Is Bananas!:

This Shit Is Disgusting!:

The people commenting on that message board can also be found using cream cheese as lube while they rub out a quick during their 15 minute break at Krispy Kreme. Come on now, boys. Dana Jacobsen? She's a smart gal and everything, and I know there's someone out there for all of us, but really? To me, she looks like a cross between Smarty Jones and the guy from the game "Operation". And let me tell you right now, I bet there's plenty of places you could poke her where you would immediately here that "buzz" sound. That would be your brain telling you your a sick bastard, and that you possibly could be a homosexual with a fetish for inside linebackers. These guys do know the Internet has porn with hot chicks on it, right?...

Now let's see if I can't build on last weeks strong performance, and finish this year's NFL season on a high note..

It's time for the picks!..

Championship Picks
Arizona Cardinals (+4.5) vs Philadelphia Eagles

While everyone's still waiting for the Cardinals to show their true colors, I'm still waiting for McChoke and the Eagles to break through and show theirs.

Fans and analysts alike have been tripping over themselves praising Donovan McNabb's play and Andy Reid's beard, but I'm still not willing to concede that these dirty birds have changed their feathers.

McNabb may be playing better, but it's only a matter of time before he starts pukin' all over the place, forgettin' the rules and flat out mismanaging the play clock. And don't give me any of that 'Cuse shit either. I'm a Marvin Harrison man. You screw with him, he shoots your ass. You screw with McNabb, he just sits there like a Ted, slurpin' up his chunky soup...

And Andy Reid? Please. I mean I used to be a big fan, but after watching this team over the years, the only person that seems less apt to succeed in a late game situation, is Herm Edwards. Whether it's, again, mismanaging the clock, or just making questionable play calls, this guy just can't seem to get it done in the final few minutes of half or the game. Not a good trait to have, especially when it comes to getting it done in the playoffs.

...Oh, and as for his shady beard? I know it's been a source of team unity, with them all growing one, but I don't think Andy's fur deserves any props. Listen. Just because his kid has been locked in the bathroom for the last 4 weeks coming down from a 4 day meth binge, and he can't get to his razor, doesn't mean he's all of a sudden some great leader of men. It means he's a piss poor dad, with the inability to grow a beard that doesn't remind us all of a deranged recluse that lives deep in the mountains of West Virginia or Montana., and gets his kicks by writing the government letters and diddling every passing grizzly bear...

That fat fraud...

P.S. - Here are four reasons I not only like the Eagles to lose, but why I like Cardinals to win. Hey, I figure I'm picking them, so I gotta give you some reasons other than just "the Eagles are chokers". Although with their track record, that should be enough...

1) Kurt Warner loves Jesus, and apparently when it comes to the playoffs, the feeling is mutual. I expect Jesus to protect Kurt and his boys from Jim Johnson's exotic and persistent blitzing packages...

2) Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie has been money since head coach Ken "takin' a" Wisenhunt started lining him up 1 on 1 against the oppositions #1 wideout a few weeks ago. He helped shut down Steve Smith and Roddy White, and while the Eagles have no true #1 wideout, I expect him to bust out and wreak havoc this weekend in the Philly passing game.

3) The Eagles excel at stopping the run, which should play right into the Cardinals hands. With even a semi-healthy Anquan Boldin, the last thing Arizona is going to want to do is run the bean anyway, therefore nullifying one of their opponents greatest strengths. And if you say that will simply allow Johnson and the defense to tee off on the QB, I say that's where Warner, Boldin, Breaston and Fitzgerald have proved that they thrive. So bring it on...

4) Speaking of Larry Fitzgerald, dude is a freak. had a poll of which NBA player you would want taking the final shot, and it made me think if I had one ball I could throw the ball in the endzone to, who it would be. I only came up with 2 names. Randy Moss and Larry Fitzgerald. He's had a great start to his career, and this playoff run has given the rest of the country a chance to see his skills on full display. Not to mention made me think long and hard about changing my name to either Brett Rodgers-Cromartie, or the possible porn name Insertmy Rodgers-Cromartie...Oh!...

Yeah, we should just move on to the next game before I competely lose you...

Baltimore Ravens (+6) @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Six points? Really?

Week 4: Pittsburgh Steelers 23 Baltimore Ravens 20 in OT (Pittsburgh, PA)

Week 15: Pittsburgh Steelers 13 Baltimore Ravens 9 (Baltimore, MD)

It's a no brainer, right? Not only were both games close, but the Pittsburgh road win came only after a late, controversial touchdown pass from Ben Roethlisberger to Santonio Holmes (AKA-Kordell Stewart). Now I know the 46 regualr season sacks the Steelers let up may be a concern against this blitzing Raven defense, but I gotta figure if that didn't lead to their demise during their 2 regular season match ups, then it's not gonna be the reason they lose this time around.

You're gonna be shocked when you hear this, but I expect a close, low scoring game, where you hear the announcers comment on how "physical" the game is more often than you see any points put on the board. Basically, it should be classic playoff football, the way all the purists would want it to be. Me? I'm not a purist. But I love a big hit as much as the next guy...oh and tough defense isn't bad either. Oh!...

Last Week: 3-1-0

'08-'09 Playoffs: 4-4-0

Regular Season: 130-90-12 (.602)

Top Picks: 76-39-8 (.650)

College Hoops
College Basketball: Where a game isn't a game until Gus Johnson blows out one of your speakers, and a week isn't a week without the newly formed Rooch Nation Top 25.

I've been saying for years that I've got just as much, if not more knowledge than the guys voting in the national polls, so now it's time to step up and prove it. In addition to my top 10 that will remain posted on the right side of the page at all times, I will debut a new top 25 poll every Monday. The poll will be complete with interesting tidbits, games to watch during the upcoming week, and just overall college hoops knowledge that will leave you simultaneously impressed and contented. Who knows, maybe I'll even bring in some of my hoop-head buddies from Cuse to help me out with my rankings and even toss in a few predictions of their own. Either way, it's comin' to a slice of heaven on the Interpeice near you called, Rooch Nation, so make sure to check it out each and every Monday...

Until then, keep on keepin' on, and remember, anyone that doesn't enjoy a monkey riding a dog in cowboy clothes, doesn't have a soul...

Goodnight everybody!!



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