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Saturday, December 26, 2009

Week 16 NFL Picks: Birfmas With The Beard...



Merry Christmas, boys and girls. Hope you all had a pleasant holiday because Lord knows I did. So pleasant, in fact, that all I have for you on this yuletide edition of the 'Nache, is straight up picks. The meat and potatoes, if you will. As if you already haven't stuffed your face enough over the past 48 hours...

I wish everyone the best of luck this week, especially those of you fortunate enough to still be in your fantasy playoffs. I'm in the title game for both of the leagues for which I'm involved, myself, which makes me a huge fantasy pimp, but that doesn't mean I still don't need all the good will and glad tidings I can get. So for one more week, if you guys could all focus your positive holiday vibes on Aaron "the Beard" Rodgers and his band of merry men, I'd really appreciate it. Plus, it's an old fashioned Beard v Favre showdown in the champioinship game of the league where I'm commissioner, so if there is a just God out there somewhere, I should probably win based on just that fact alone. Besides, Jesus had a beard, and I'm pretty sure he was never caught wearing Wrangler jeans. So there's that...

Oh, and in the other league, our opponent already called and offered to split the 1st and 2nd place money and play for $50, which makes him a huge Ted. So we got that goin' for us too, which is nice...

So, without further dudes, let's get to these suckers. Hope you all have a safe and enjoyable weekend. Happy Birfmas, Jesus. I'm outta here...

(*Top Pick)

Week 16 Picks
Jacksonville Jaguars (+7.5) @ New England Patriots

*Green Bay Packers (-13) vs Seattle Seahawks

Oakland Raiders @ Cleveland Browns UNDER 38

Cincinnati Bengals (-13.5) vs Kansas City Chiefs

New Orleans Saints (-14) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

*Atlanta Falcons (-9) vs Buffalo Bills

Miami Dolphins (-3) vs Houston Texans

Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers OVER 41.5

Washington Redskins (+7) vs Dallas Cowboys

Arizona Cardinals (-14) vs St. Louis Rams

*San Francisco 49ers (-13) vs Detroit Lions

Indianapolis Colts (-5.5) vs New York Jets

New York Giants (-7) vs Carolina Panthers

*Philadelphia Eagles (-7) vs Denver Broncos OVER 41.5


Monday Night
Chicago Bears (+7) vs Minnesota Vikings OVER 40.5


Last Week: 8-8-2 (Top Picks: 3-4-2)

Top Picks: 68-58-6 (.538)

Overall: 132-95-7 (.579)

Lock of the Week: 13-3-0 (.813)

Friday, December 18, 2009

NFL Week 15 Picks: I'm The Wiz!...



Gotta say, kids. The last week's got your man here feelin' like some sort of wizard. Or at the very least some sort of 3 card Monty operator. And it's not so much that everything I've been touching has been turning to gold, because it hasn't. It's more that I've just been so in tune with the universe of late, that I actually have been controlling all the things that I've always said I was controlling. Not just with my picks, either. Here, lemme lay a few examples on ya...

So I'm walking by the 92 PRO FM studio the other day while I'm at work, and I hear some crappy pop song featuring Diddy whispering at the beginning of it and some chick talkin' about how she likes to party all night and wash her teeth with Jack Daniels. I forget the name of the song, but you guys probably know the one. The chick's voice is all auto tuned out? Well, whatever. Point is, the second I heard it, I immediately predicted, to myself of course, that one of 5-10 chicks I know on Facebook would have a photo album named after a lyric in that song, and that album would feature them and their girlfriends taking shots, making faces at the camera, and sporting captions about how nobody remembers that night and how they couldn't believe how funny some random old guy on the street was...The album was up within 24 hours...

Next, and sticking with Facebook and chicks, was a correspondence with a female friend from college that was just completely broken off. We had been messaging back and forth, and all of a sudden, it just stopped. I sent a message that had some questions in it, and it was never returned. My guess, was that this whole time this girl was hoping something sexual or some type of rekindled relationship, and that now she wasn't answering me, because she had found herself a boyfriend. Bam! Two days after I thought it, it comes across the Facebook wire that she's in a relationship (with her ex that had dumped her a year back), and couldn't be happier. Truly, a shocking development...

Then, there's my fantasy team. I'm in the semifinals for the 3rd straight year (not to mention in the semis of the team I co-manage, as well), but it took a miracle on Monday night to get it done. More to the point, I asked everyone I came in contact with from Sunday night to Monday afternoon to throw good will and karma my way. I needed help to prevent Tim Hightower and Kurt Warner from scoring the 15 points they needed to put my fantasy season on ice. The result? They combined for 5 turnovers, and my 15 point lead actually ended up in a 20 point victory. An embarrassment of riches, yes, but yet another sign that I'm at the very least in some kind of zone...

Want more? How about the fact that I called the John Lackey singing more than 2 weeks ago? And add to that the fact that Theo and the Sox admitted to not knowing John Lackey wanted to come to Boston more than a few days ago OR that they would have the financial means to actually get the deal done. Scary, right? And just to give you the heads up, I'm still waiting for the "hot stove" to cool off a bit before I start judging Theo's off season. I said he needed to get a pitcher and a bat. He's halfway there...

And finally, as sad and sadistic as this might be, I called in college that there was no way Chris Henry was going to live past the age of 30. Hey, I know it's not cool, and I'm not mentioning it to brag or to toss mud on the guys grave, but it does mesh well with the overall theme. His talent will be missed, and by all accounts he was on the right path back to getting his life in order, so that's too bad. But if you had told me 5 years ago that guy would die getting thrown off the bed of a pickup truck while he was fighting with his fiance and baby mama as they were preparing to go engagement ring shopping? Not only would I have believed it, but I would have gone downstairs to Joe the Bookie (or as I coined him, "The Publisher") and asked him what kind of odds he wanted to lay me. Hey, this is the same kid that let me name my own odds when I wanted to bet on that black guy when they were picking the new Pope, so don't for a second doubt that it could have gone down...

So, what do you think? Am I a wizard, or is it just that I'm really in tune with other people's tendencies? I do know that people get pissed when you tell them you know their tendencies, so I think wizardry is probably the way to go. I mean I already know I'm gonna catch heat for those two Facebook remarks, and probably for the Chris Henry thing, too, but what can I do? Not talk about how right I was in all those instances? Yeah, cuz that sounds like me...

What does sound like me, is using that karma, that wizard-like power if you will, to help you, my friends, do well again to pick as many winner's this weekend as possible. Hey, what can I say? Even the almighty, with the ability to read minds and predict the future, has a soft spot for his homies. Not only that, but I'm just so unselfish that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't' let all of you benefit from this hot run that I've been on...

Yeah, cuz that sounds like me...

Enjoy this week's picks, kids. I have a gut feelin' you're gonna...

Week 15 Picks

Buffalo Bills (+7) vs New England Patriots

What? You were expecting me to pick the Pats? Why? It's not like I take other teams I don't root for when they're winless in true road games, right? Right! I just wanna make it clear that I'm not picking against the Pats because I think Randy Moss has shut it down or because Tom Brady is hurt. I said on Monday that nobody could say Moss "shut it down" unless they watched the game film and watched him on every play. Well, thanks to the TV and the Internet, I did exactly that over the past few days, and determined that while he didn't play all that well, Randy did not "shut it down". Is his less than stellar play a problem for the Pats? You bet your beard it is. It's just not the reason I'm picking the Bills to cover...

No, I'm picking the Bills because simple betting logic tells me I need to. Buffalo has won 2 of their last 3, have been playing well since Ryan Fitzpatrick and Fred Jackson were injected into the lineup, and only lost to the Patriots by 1 @ Foxboro in the first week of the season. Now granted a lot of that stuff kind of contradicts itself as reasoning to pick the Bills to cover, but it mostly just boils down to the Pats...

Hey, I love 'em, but they're inconsistent as Hell, especially on the road. So just like last week, I'm picking them to win, just not to cover. It's been a solid strategy of late, and in this surprisingly key divisional match up, it's definitely the way to go if you're going to be betting...

Pats 24 Bills 20

That, my friends, is what we call some divisional breathing room...


New Orleans Saints (-7.5) vs Dallas Cowboys

I should have known better than to pick the Saints last week against Atlanta. You wouldn't think so, but despite my recent wizardry and my ability to read the human mind, I still can't pick games between NFC South teams at any better than like a 30% clip...

There's only one NFC South team in this one, though, so I feel good taking the Saints. They're the better team, they're at home, and Tony Romo is still awful in December. Plus, I gotta think Drew Brees and friends have a little extra motivation going in seeing as Indy has already captured their 14th straight win. That, and Drew needs to win every game he can to get enough money to have that small, hairy country removed from the side of his face...

Nah, moles aren't funny. One legged hookers are funny, but not facial moles. Unless it's a facial mole on a one legged hooker. But that's not funny either, that's more of a health hazard. It's also what in West Virginia they call a "Pittsnogle Surprise", but if I get into why and how they came up with that name, we could be here all day...


San Diego Chargers (-6.5) vs Cincinnati Bengals

On the flip side of Tony Romo, we have Philly Rivers. While Romo struggles in December, Rivers is still undefeated. Kid's like 15-0 or somethin'. That, and...well...I hate to bring it up for a second time, but there's no way I'm NOT picking a team that just lost a good friend to a tragic accident. Hey, if they're playing at home maybe I take 'em like I did UCONN earlier in the year. But on the road? Nah. Matter of fact, I'm making this one my lock of the week. The Bolts are just too hot right now, and all the vital components are trending in my favor...


Oakland Raiders (+14.5) @ Denver Broncos OVER 37

The betting logic is easy on this one, too. Logic says never pick a team that isn't dominant to win by more than 10 points, especially when that team is playing another team from their own division. I'm also taking the low OVER of 37 in this one, because of another juicy trend passed on to me a few years back by someone who knows these sort of things. That trend? The later it gets in the season, the safer it is to take an OVER in a divisional match up. I don't know why it works, but it works. It's like they know it's the last time they're gonna see each other this season, and they just wanna get that final punch in on the way out the door...

Well that, and the next "great" defense I see in this league this season is gonna be the first, so I'll take the possibility of offense


Seattle Seahawks (-6.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Seattle was a lock to lose last week because they were on the road. This week, they're at home, and seeing as they aren't playing anyone of note, that makes them a lock to win. It's rather simple, really. Even easier than predicting which sugary hip hop jam the ladies of Facebook will pick to theme their albums around. "Would you look at me and my friends?!?! We're so outrageous! That's not how you're supposed to wear a hat, silly! And how awesome are those BIG sunglasses!? They don't fit and they are soooo hilarious!..."

Mix it up, ladies. I'm getting bored...See? That Seahawk chick knows what I'm talkin' about. Now that would make for a great Facebook album. Decent calendar or thong commercial, too. Nice little Northwest Pacific bum that it is...


Green Bay Packers @ Pittsburgh Steelers OVER 40

It's a must win for the Steelers, so I don't wanna take the Packers. But it's also Go Time for the Beard and any hopes I have for fantasy glory. So I'm a little torn...

What I decided on, was to pick the OVER 40, mostly due to the fact that I need points from Mr. Rodgers, and I love predicting a lot of points in a game where it's likely going to snow. Everyone always says teams like to run it in the snow, but time and time again the pass is proven more effective. Lineman can't rush, DB's can't react quickly enough. IT turns into big play central. They may not be the prettiest big plays you've ever seen, but they'll be pretty enough once these two pass by 40 like it was a hitchhiker on the road outside of a mental institution. Or a one legged mole-hooker on the....nah, too much...

FEAR THE BEARD!!...just gotta throw that in there for good luck, don't mind me...


Miami Dolphins (+3) @ Tennessee Titans

Ladies and gentleman, allow me to introduce you to next year's chic Super Bowl pick. The Miami Dolphins. Throw a few role playing free agents in there, maybe a solid draft pick or two by the Big Tuna, and people are gonna be gushing. Guaranteed. Both fans and critics alike have already admitted they were wrong about Chad Henne, and how he's blossoming into a fine young QB. And with Ronnie Brown coming back, and Pat White getting another year of Wildcat practice under his belt? Please. I can just call "Dr. Z" from Sports Illustrated and tell him he's gonna pick them right now, if he wants. I mean that guy's just a joke...

As for the game itself, I've been riding the Titans of late to great success, but with Vince Young probably out, I think their good fortune may have just run it's course. 14-10 and 22-22 wins over Jacksonville and New England tell me the Phins will at the very least keep this one close, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like them to outright win...


Arizona Cardinals (-12) @ Detroit Lions

The final Top Pick of the week brings us the Cardinals and the Lions...just like it says in the heading...

Now we learned last week that the 49ers own Kurt Warner and the Cardinals for some reason. But I'm here to remind you that's totally irrelevant when it comes to this game. Arizona is good. Kurt Warner is good. That defense, is good. They just had a really bad game, against an opponent that for whatever reason seems to have their number...

This week, despite the "short week" trend that's usually a good one, I'm taking the Cards to bounce back in a big way with a win on the road. They're 5-2 on the road this year, and while the 2 losses have come in their last 2 games, that's another ship I expect them to right. They're gearin' up for the playoffs, and the Lions are gearin' up for golf. Or as they call it in Detroit "Throwing Balls Into Flaming Trash Cans". It's really a fun game, once you get the hang of it. They also douse bums in lighter fluid and pay them to run across the "field". That makes things really interesting. Unlike this game, which hopefully won't be interesting at all. Unless of course a Detroit QB decides to blindly run out of the back of the end zone again. I'd be down for seeing' that again...

Now, here are the rest of the picks for your viewing pleasure. I recommend the Browns @ Chiefs...ya know, if you're having trouble throwing up. Those are the only circumstances under which you should be watching that game. That and maybe if you lost a bet to LeBron...or if Rasheed Wallace promised that if you showed up he would play "toss the leg" with you at halftime...

Philadelphia Eagles (-7) vs San Francisco 49ers

New York Jets (-5) vs Atlanta Falcons

Chicago Bears @ Baltimore Ravens OVER 40.5

Cleveland Browns (+2) @ Kansas City Chiefs

Houston Texans (-10.5) @ St. Louis Rams

Carolina Panthers (+9) vs Minnesota Vikings


Monday Night
Washington Redskins (+3.5) vs New York Giants OVER 43.5

51, 63 and 47. Those are the totals for the last 3 Redskin games...

65, 32, 55, 83. Those are the totals of the last 4 Giant games. Combine that with the "divisional trend" I was talking about with the Raiders and Broncos and the Redksins are at home, and there you have the reasoning behind my two picks...

And if Quinton Ganther happened to find the endzone a time or two, that wouldn't be too shabby, either...



Last Week: 10-5-1 (Top Picks: 10-5-1)

Overall: 124-87-5 (.586)

Top Picks: 65-54-4 (.545)

Lock of the Week: 12-3-0 (.800)


So there you have it, kids. I hope my new friend "the coach", likes the good work I've put in this week, but now it's time to call it a day. After all, if I don't go out and have fun, where's the material for all these Facebook album's gonna come from? Right? Am I right?..

Eh, whatever. This is Mr. Wizard, signing off, and letting you know that NO, I didn't touch the kids during the commercial breaks...

Have a good weekend, you crazy bastards, and I'll catch you on the flipman...That's Ted Flipman, in case you were wondering...

Teddy Williams...

100...

Saturday, December 05, 2009

NFL Week 13 Picks: Hot Dog!


Greetings, loyal minions! Sick of all the Tiger talk, yet? Huh? Are ya? Well I know I am. And if you're anything like me, not only is the topic losing freshness faster than a gas station hot dog, but the fact that you're hearing "legitimate" news outlets now confidently citing "Perez Hilton", "Bubba the Love Spongue" and former Spitzer skank, Ashley Dupre as "insiders" and "authorities" on the matter, is making you feel like you're about to hurl up...well...something that probably will end up looking like a gas station hot dog...or at the very least like one of those 3 week old Mexican Egg Rolls, that they have the balls to try and tell you are for breakfast. Yeah, I'll have that after I scarf down my steak and doughnut sandwich. And of course I want cigarettes on that sandwich! What do i look like, a Mary?!?

So, as the over/under on Tiger's side action heads towards that of a Boise St./Hawaii game, I'll dip into my bag of "tricks" to help provide you with an adequate distraction...

Last week, I decided to abandoned my "Top Picks" in the interest of time and in order to hopefully gain some positive karma. Anyone that regularly follows along here at the Nation (and thanks to all the well wishes over the holidays I know there are a lot of you) knows that it's been a battle all season long to get my Top Picks to beat my "other picks". You would also know, if you follow me here, or on Facebook, or on Twitter, or on my Droid somehow using super-Droid Al Gore GPS/LoJack software, that like any true crazed and neurotic sports prognosticator, I believe that me picking a game, or in some cases NOT picking a game, somehow affects that games outcome. Sounds crazy, I know, but that's why I document it all right here. Like the true American Gangster that I am, I need all the witnesses I can get...

Either way, you'll get none of that this time around because this week I'm goin' all Top Picks. Got a couple of quirky "2-fers" that I'm still not so sure how I feel about, but my reasoning behind them is still good, so their shady packaging shouldn't discourage you. Remember, I'm the only person you know that can actually prove that they pick winners on a weekly basis, so to question me or my methods is to question the laws of nature. Nah, just kidding. I know I'm not infallible. But hey, I'm way cooler than that Ted, Bill Simmons. So I got that goin' for me, which is always a good thing...

Now go on, you crazy bastards. Enjoy the picks, and have a great weekend...

Week 13 Picks



New England Patriots (-4) @ Miami Dolphins

It's a prime bounce back game for the Pats, but in an unfriendly environment, and against a team on the brink. So which school of thought should I choose? Take the team on the brink, the team in a "must win" situation at home? Or just take the flat out better squad, despite their poor history in that particular city and their recent struggles? A little anti-climactic, I suppose, since you can already see that I've taken the Pats and the points, but that is the reason I'm taking the Pats in this one. Their better, their in dire need of a win, and even though they tend to struggle in the South Florida heat and Miami's backs are against the wall, the Phins are too dinged up to pull this one out. Not to say it won't be close like every other divisional game, but I'll take the 4 points, and feel rather comfortable...

Final score Pats 23 Phins 13...

Everyone likes to talk about the defense, but if the offense doesn't show up in this one, they'll be the unit worth worrying about as the Pats head towards the playoffs...


Denver Broncos (-5.5) @ Kansas City Chiefs
San Fransisco 49ers (-1) @ Seattle Seahawks

The first of the "2-fers", this combo pack features a pair of teams I'd normally take when their getting points at home in the Seahawks and the Chiefs. Both have served me well this year serving as home dogs, but I'm bucking the trend thanks to two less than stellar matchups...

In KC, the Chiefs run into a Denver team that seems to have found it's stride again, so I'm going with the resurgent Broncos...

And in Seattle, I look for the Niners new spread offense to really give the Seattle defense fits. Alex Smith and friends have really been in a groove the past few weeks since they begged Mike Singletary to open up the offense, and I expect that success to continue. And hey, even it it doesn't, Frank Gore gashed the Hawks for 200+ in their first meeting, so even if Smith should buckle under the pressure of all that noise made by Seattle's legendary "12th man", the San Fran running attack should have no problem controlling the ball, and ultimately controlling the scoreboard...


Jacksonville Jaguars (+1) vs Houston Texans
Tennessee Titans (+7) @ Indianapolis Colts

The next two pack, brings us to the AFC South...

In Jacksonville, it's your typical "home team with their back against the wall" pick as I'm taking to the (6-5) Jaguars to bounce back nicely after last week's loss to San Fran by putting the final nail in the Texans playoff coffin. Essentially, both these teams "need" this game, but I'm taking the healthier Jags, with Jack del Rio, over the reeling, but more talented Texans, and their mistake prone head man, Gary Kubiak...

In Indy, I like the Colts' to win another comeback classic as they pen a regular season for the history books, but it'll be close, and the Titans are too hot to spot 7 right now...



Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants UNDER 46.5
Detroit Lions @ Cincinnati Bengals UNDER 42

The Bengals control the clock on both sides of the ball and have bee na great bet for UNDERs all year. Against the lowly Lions, it should be no different than when they went UNDER an even stingier 39 against the Browns...

In the Tedowlands, I see two sketchy teams playing in a hard fought game full of turnovers and missed opportunities. Red zone mistakes, drops, missed kicks and fumbles should keep this one UNDER, even though the pace of the action will seem to suggest the OVER...


Pittsburgh Steelers (-15) vs Oakland Raiders
Philadelphia Eagles (-5.5) @ Atlanta Falcons

Another Keystone State twosome, and here's to hoping it works out better than last time. I don't remember the matchups off hand, but I do remember saying I know I shouldn't be giving Pennsylvania any love and that I knew it would come back to bite me in the ass...

Well, what can I say? I'm apparently a glutton for punishment. That, and these matchups are just too juicy for a logical man like myself to resist...

The bipolar Eagles, sans Desean Jackson, head to Atlanta to face a Falcon team with injury issues of their own, finding themselves down Michael Turner and Matty Ryan. That's enough to tilt the scales in my eyes, and barring the team bus being blown up in some sort of Michael Vick protest, I like Philly to win this one going away...

In Shattsburgh, the return of Big Ben and the need to right the ship are reasons enough to take the Steelers and lay that monstrous 15 points. (3-8) Oakland should play like it on the road this week, as they really have nothing to play for, and their minds will probably be more focused on Christmas lists than audibles and checkdowns...


Washington Redskins (+10.5) vs New Orleans Saints

Shock of the week? Eh, probably not likely. But a short week and a shady line are enough for me to take the Skins. Before I saw the spread, I pegged it for 14, and decided if it were around there, then I'd be taking the Redskins. When I saw it was 10.5, for whatever reason it only helped vindicate my original upset thoughts, and encouraged me to take the Skins even more. I mean, does it make sense that a team that just beat the Patriots by 21 is only favored over the (3-8) Redskins by 11? I know it's a short week and the Saints are on the road, but still...

But hey, if you're feelin' ballsy, and you smell a rat like I do, then come out on the limb with me. And trust me, chicks dig dudes that pick double digit dogs to cover...


San Diego Chargers (-14) @ Cleveland Browns

Chicks also dig powder blue uniforms, which is why I'm taking the Chargers. Not only that, but I'm making them my Lock of the Week. As I warned my good friend, SoCAL-er and recent NFL and Charger convert, Cyrus Mor, San Diego is due for their scheduled implosion, but those epic collapses are usually reserved for the opening round of the playoffs. This week, we should be safe...

But lemme say it right now. If I look up at that box score early in the 1st and see 7-0 Cleveland, I'm blaming Cyrus, I'm cursing Cleveland, and I'm hunting down and killing Norv Turner. Maybe I'll suffocate him by blocking his air way with Mexican Egg Rolls, who knows. Depends on if they come back to cover or not...


Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+7) @ Carolina Panthers

The Panthers might "need" this one, and they might get it, but I like Tampa's chances of at least keeping it close. They haven't lost by more than 3 in the Josh Freeman era outside of the blowout loss to the Saints, and against a wounded Panther squad starting backup Matt Moore and possibly without DeAngelo Williams (fuck!), they should be able to keep this one close as well...

Then again, it is the NFC South. And my track record there is about as good as...well...about as good as these next two teams...


St. Louis Rams @ Chicago Bears OVER 41

A shady pick, for a shady game. Think "Cleveland v Detroit" earlier in the season. Kyle Boller? Jay Cutler? Talk about gas station hot dogs! These 2 former 1sy round picks will look worth the investment this week, as two porous defenses should give them plenty of opportunity to shine. Both teams should be able to run the ball effectively, and what their passing offenses don't do in terms of scoring, I'm sure the defenses will more than make up for. A lot like the Dallas/New york game, this one's gonna be sloppy. It's just that in this one, the lack of defensive skill should lead to more of those opportunities resulting in 6...

(Disclaimer: This game could easily end 6-4, and make you want to cut yourself. And how the Browns aren't somehow involved in this game remains a mystery...)



Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) @ Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals are worse at home than they are on the road in '09, and a "speedy" Adrian Peterson and the Vikes should keep that trend going...Yea? you see what I did there? Tying in current events with clever puns and whatnot? Yeah...Slicker than grease this guy right here...


Monday Night
Baltimore Ravens @ Green Bay Packers OVER 43.5

Brett Favre created many lasting memories on the Frozen Tundra, and this Monday, with snow in the forecast, I expect my man, Aaron Rodgers, to create a lasting Packer memory of his own. My only issue here, is if Charles Woodson can take Derrick Mason out of the game, Joe Flacco and the Baltimore offense might be screwed. Failing that, the Ravens running game, led by Ray Rice, should be able to provide enough pop in combination with a big game from Rodgers, to push this game north of the required 43 points. I'm also a little scared that "the Beard" is heading into Monday Night Football not having thrown a pick in so long, seeing as they'll probably mention it 55 million times leading up to and during the game, but I'll stay positive and feel confident that he'll come up large on the big stage...

Prime time games often favor the over, at least that's what I've convinced myself, and I don't figure this must-see match up will be any different. Especially in the "pass friendly" snow...

Before we move on to the college picks, take time to admire my nearly-stellar record. Check out that Lock of the Week, huh? That's just sexy right there. Like that cougar (or "malfer", if you're so inclined) that was undressing me with her eyes the other day. But listen to me, you don't wanna hear about that. Who am I, Tiger Woods?


Last Week: 10-6-0 (Top Picks: 0-0-0)

Overall: 106-73-4 (.590)

Top Picks: 47-40-3 (.539)

Lock of the Week: 10-2-0 (.833)


I've had a great year picking college games, and this week I look to close out the regular season in style. I like Bama and Georgia Tech to cover in their respective title games, which kick off in just a few hours, and I like East Carolina to hang with Houston, and Boise St. to go "Old Yeller" on Ron Mexico St...

Catch that pun, did ya? I sure hope so...

Now as the flashlight app on my Droid says when it gives me the option to go to "strobe" mode. Let's Get Some! And Party On!...

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(2) Alabama (+5.5) vs Florida (SEC Championship: Atlanta, GA)

(3) Texas (-14.5) @ (21) Nebraska (Big XII Championship: Dallas, TX)

(5) Cincinnati (-1) @ (14) Pittsburgh

(6) Boise St. (-47.5) vs New Mexico St.

(12) Georgia Tech (-1) vs (25) Clemson (ACC Championship: Tampa, FL)

East Carolina (+3) vs (18) Houston

(19) California (-7) @ Washington

(20) USC (-7) vs Arizona

(24) West Virginia (-1.5) @ Rutgers



Last Week: 12-4-1

Overall: 129-79-5 (.617)


So there you have it, boys and girls. Another week in the books, and this one came complete with all the classic trimmings of a white trash Birfmas party. Now if you don't mind, I have to get back to producing radio shows before I get fired and lose my only steady stream of income. After all, I'm gonna need a lot of money if my new website venture is going to get off the ground...

Stay tuned for news on that, discussion about the Marco Scutaro scrutiny, my first comments on this year's coillege hoops season, and more of the irreverent and informative style that you've come to love and crave. Ya know, kind of like a gas station hot dog...

Have a great weekend, kids. And in the word's of the mentally retarded rooster, "Goodnight everybody!"...

Teddy Williams...
100...

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Tiger Tiger Woods, Ya'll...


Tiger Woods, we thought we knew ye...

Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I mean, when I say "we", I mean most of you and not myself. And when I say "ye", I'm not even sure if that's proper English. Or even proper Olde English, for that matter. Like, what was that? Does "Olde" even need an "e" on the end of it right there? Who knows, right? What am I, British?...

Now, as you may have expected, I became jaded long ago when it comes to the private lives of star athletes. I chalk a lot of it up to my behind the scenes access as a youngster to the teachers of my school system, both my parents being teachers, and I've always carried those experiences with me. Not that I saw anything shocking, mind you, but access to my parents thoughts, combined with my own out of the classroom interaction with these teachers, helped teach me that people aren't always how they may project themselves in certain situations. Like Cuban Gooding Jr. says in Jerry Maguire in regards to single mothers, "I've been to the puppet show, and I've seen the strings". Now that's not to say that you assume everyone is an ass hole just because you don't know them intimately, it's just saying be careful what you take away as "genuine" as opposed to "courteous" or "professional"...

More or less, my experiences taught me to gauge how well I thought I "knew people", before trying to determine whether or not I could actually be surprised by anything they did...

Are you thoroughly confused? I sure hope not. But just in case, here's a little primer...

I can't be shocked by anything Tiger Woods says or does, because when it comes down to it, I don't really know the man at all. And that's a tough realization to come to, believe me I know. We watch these people on TV, and invest so much of our hearts, minds and bankrolls in their success, that sometimes we forget that we truly only know them in a very limited capacity. Face it, you know Tiger Woods about as well as you know the person that serves you your coffee at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru every morning. Extreme example? Maybe. But when it comes down to it, you know them based on how they act at work, nothing more, and that's exactly how well you know Tiger...

Again, I know that's a tough realization to come to, but when you do, it allows you to see through these cryptic layers of media mudslinging. To see the chain of events as they likely would have happened had you actually been there yourself with a video camera. It's why, when I was first given the broad strokes of the story on early Friday afternoon, I immediately imagined the EXACT scenario that's now being widely circulated. It went A LOT like this...



1) Elin went nuts, for whatever reason you choose. The scoop de jour is that Tiger was doing a little "night putting" with an NYC hostess, so we'll run with that...

...and a quick side note on that. If you're Tiger, how do you call a supposed mistress and leave a voicemail that starts out with "Hey, this is Tiger"?!? Shouldn't you either A) have lackies to do that shit for you or B) not have to say who it is when you call?! I mean, was this chick (in this case, Jamie Grubbs) a huge skank to the point where she has dozens of dude-suitors? Why else would he have to identify himself like that. He's one of the most recognizable people on the planet, for crying out loud. Oh well. Moving on...

2) Next, Elin scraps with Tiger, claws him up a little bit (irony), and he attempts to flea via his Escalade. No doubt, he was probably at least rolling on dubs. Possibly even Trubs, if that's a word...

3) As he tries to back out of the driveway, Elin cracks the back windshield with a golf club, further disorienting a man who was trying to come to grips with the fact that his wife had just beat him up. Tiger then loses control of the slow moving vehicle, and crashes it into a hydrant and a tree...

4) When paramedics arrive, Woods is in and out of consciousness on the ground, with Elin administering first aid. Why was he in and out of consciousness if he barely hit anything and was going at such a low speed? Not sure. Don't think he was drunk, but he could have been on pain medication. Or maybe he was just trippin' out because he couldn't believe what was goin' down. Who knows? Maybe he ate a pot brownie and thought Elin was a goblin attempting to steal his precious gems and magical swords? Like I said, let's not pretend like we know this dude...

That's what I immediately surmised had gone down on the night in question, and as time passes, it's becoming more and more evident that I was right on the money. Like a poor European artist, I was way ahead of my time...

And I'm not trying to brag that I somehow figured this out before the rest of you, despite being given the same information. Granted it's rather convenient, considering the stance I'm taking here, but it's not the point I'm trying to push across. Hell, for all I know, you were right there ahead of the curve with me. If so, kudos. My point is, while the news of trouble in what had otherwise seemed like sports' 'model family' is disappointing, it shouldn't be shocking. Screwed up shit happens to people I don't know all the time, and it doesn't shock me. So why should this? Granted, I get the sensationalistic aspect of it because he's sports' biggest star. I'd be an idiot if I didn't. But that's what makes it "news", it's not what makes it surprising or changes my mind about how I feel about the guy...

He's a golfer. He plays golf, I watch, and a lot of the time, he wins. More often than not, his wins come at the expense of a certain chunky Lefty, which is a total bonus...

My point, and it's a lesson that I've preached here several times before, is that acting like you're "surprised" by anything an athlete does, by anything any person you don't really know does, makes you sound foolish. I understand that following the story is entertaining, and like I said, we all have the right to feel disappointed. But acting as if the very foundation on which we walk on has been shaken because this seemingly squeaky clean person has gone astray, is just ludicrous...

I say it all the time. The only name that's going to surprise me if it shows up on one of those "steroid lists", is Greg Maddux. But would I be shocked if I found out that Mad Dog hadn't paid his taxes since 1984, regularly beat his wife, and/or got sexual pleasure from eating cheese from between the toes of AustralAsian transvestite hookers? Of course I wouldn't. Why? Because I don't know the man. That, and I know via Mark Grace that Maddux onve got a boner because he loved pitching so much, so that dude could be kinky as all Hell...

All we know about these athletes, is what they chose to show us. Now if Maddux was caught cheating, say with steroids, that would surprise me. Not because I know him, but because I do know how he acts on the field. How he treats the game. And by that logic, I would be surprised to learn that Tiger were cheating on the course. Probably not surprised by roid use, because who isn't using these days, but surprised if he were using an illegal ball, illegal clubs, or kicking his ball out from behind trees to improve his lie on a regular basis. Ya know, Judge Smails styles?...

But Tiger Woods? The Tiger Woods many of you think you know? He's just a front for a massive corporation. His PR team and his legal advisers map out every move he makes. Not just now, in time of trouble, but always. How do you think you came to the conclusion that he was a good guy to begin with, huh? It's all just part of a plan. And again, that's not to assume all these people are ass holes, or that you should have seen this coming. It's just the way it is. It's life, for better and for worse...

So what now? Well, now that Tiger has been "cleared" by the cops, and apologized via press release for his "transgressions", you probably won't see him again for about 2 weeks. Well, at least until his wounds heal. That's just obvious. I mean, the reason he's not talking now, and why he didn't talk to the cops, is because he doesn't "have to" and he wants to protect his privacy. The last thing Team Woods wants is for there to be pictures circulating of Tiger with scratches on his face. But when the scratches are healed, you'll see a few photos of Tiger, Elin and the fam playing in the park, carefully leaked to the "proper" media outlets. Maybe even an Oprah special with Tiger and Elin side by side on her legendary couch. It'll be scripted, contain the obligatory tears, and while seeming very fake, it will be exactly the medicine he needs to help restore his once flawless image...

Then, you won't see him for another 6 weeks, when he's finally scheduled to play in his next event...

That's just how it goes. And to use another quote that I feel wraps this up nicely, I turn to Armand Assante, as Dominic Cattano, in American Gangster. "We can be successful and have enemies. Or we can be unsuccessful, ya know, and we can have friends."

It's really so true. When Tiger Woods, or any athlete, decides to turn pro, they sign up for all the scrutiny and all the pressure that goes along with being in the public eye. They decide to be successful, at the risk of having to keep their true self hidden from the masses. It's your job as a fan, and my job too for that matter, to buy into their image just enough to enjoy what they do, but not enough to think we know who they are. It's a fine line, but it's one you need to walk to keep yourself from getting "hurt", and to prevent yourself from looking stupid...

I know I sound preachy, telling you who to trust and what to believe, but believe me, my intentions are good. I think of myself as a gatekeeper, as a conscientious advisor of sorts, protecting the real fans from all the bullshit that the sports and entertainment world can throw at them. You want to enjoy the games and the players that play them, while at the same time never forgetting that what you're being shown is all part of a big show. The line's have become blurred of late thanks to outlets like TMZ, Twitter, and even blogs like mine, but that doesn't mean they aren't still there. And if we're going to use all of this new info we learn about athlete's private lives determine how we feel about them, then sooner or later you're not going to have anyone to cheer for. For the third time, not to say they're all assholes, but you can pretty much find something you don't like about anyone if you look hard enough...

Me? I'll chose to leave my athletes to their private lives more or less until they show up in a mug shot. And even then, the charges will have to involve a corpse, a kid in a coma before, or a minivan full of illegal sex slaves before I take any of it too seriously. That's why, despite his "transgressions", I'm stickin' with my man T. Woods. I'm not condoning his infidelity, I'm just telling you it's too insignificant for me to worry about. I basically grew up with the guy, watching him on TV and following his rise to power, and as far as I can tell, none of the things I've admired about him all this time has changed in light of these recent events. I mean, the only thing I envied about him that involved Elin anyway, was the fact that he married that hot Swedish piece of strudel. And last time I checked, they're still married. I admire his drive, his determination, his earth shattering talent, and the way he just flat out goes and takes what he wants. Dude 'just DOES it'...

So maybe this time, "just doing it" got Mr. Woods in a little hot water. I say, who cares? If your expectations for your athletes were in the right place to begin with, you wouldn't even be having this problem...




When all is said in done, I see this having a Kobe Bryant-like (Colorado) affect on Tiger's career. If he makes any sort of heart felt apology, and goes back to winning, it will fade away like an MJ jumper...well not the jumper over Russell where he retired and came back right after, but you know what I mean. It's only if he continues to be defiant and standoffish, where this could get ugly, and ultimately damage not only his public image, but possibly his career...

Eldrick may be in some trouble, but Tiger can pull him out of it...if he lets him. And I'm pretty sure he will...

Put on the red shirt, T-Money, and close this deal like it's a Sunday at Augusta...or like it's a hostess at an NYC night spot...Either way, just get the damn thing done...

Be the Tiger we've grown to love. Be, the Tiger we know...

So there ya have it, ladies and Teds. My take on all things T-Woods. Hope you enjoyed it, because it sucked all my blog time this week. I will be back on Saturday morning instead of Friday with all my picks for the weekend, so you don't have to worry there...

Oh, and be on the look out for the possible unveiling of my new website. Trust me, you're gonna love it. Although some of you that end up on the site, might end up trying to hunt me down and kill me. Juicy, right? Yeah, I know. So stay tuned...

Teddy Williams...

100...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

NFL Week 12 Picks: Tiger!...Look Out!!!


So in lieu of rushing out my NFL picks for yesterday, I decided to hold them until today and just forgo posting my NCAA picks altogether. The result? I went 12-4-1 in NCAA action yesterday afternoon, and have thus now more than likely put the double reverse hex on this week's NFL picks. But fear not, my Nation lovin' friends. Much like Elin Woods when it comes to preventing her husband from leaving the house, I have a truly elegant solution...

In order to combat the reverse karma hex that I've no doubt placed on myself, I've decided to not make any of this week's selections "Top Picks". I figure then, if logic holds to form, I should have an immaculate record. Hey, I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure this is the way it works. Then again, whenever I seem to have stumbled upon a formula for picking these things consistently, I usually end up having one of my worst weeks of the season. Oh the tangled web we weave when we practice the art of deceit, right? Or something like that...

So here you are, kids. No bells, no whistles, no 5-irons through your Cadillac SUV's back windshield. Just straight picks. Consider them, "leftovers" of sorts...

Now enjoy, and have a great ending to your holiday weekend. I'll catch you all back in the real world within the next 24-48 hours. I'm sure to be on this Tiger Woods thing next week, along with a slew of other topics from SU hoops, to MLB's hot stove. So be there, or Sheed will track you down, and call you soft....and then possibly challenge you to a prosthetic leg duel to the death...

What? That's just how he rolls...

Get put some grav on these bad boys and get your leftover on....

Enjoy...


Week 12 Picks
Indianapolis Colts (-3) @ Houston Texans

Minnesota Vikings (-11) vs Chicago Bears

Cleveland Browns @ Cincinnati Bengals UNDER 39

Philadelphia Eagles (-9) vs Washington Redskins

Buffalo Bills (+3.5) vs Miami Dolphins

Arizona Cardinals @ Tennessee Titans UNDER 47

Seattle Seahawks (-3.5) @ St. Louis Rams

Atlanta Falcons (-12) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Carolina Panthers (+3) @ New York Jets

Jacksonville Jaguars @ San Fransisco 49ers OVER 41.5

San Diego Chargers (-13.5) vs Kansas City Chiefs

Baltimore Ravens (-1.5) vs Pittsburgh Steelers


Monday Night Football
New Orleans Saints (-1.5) vs New England Patriots

Hey, what can I say? If this game's on a neutral field, I'd take the Pats. But that's not the case now, is it? Not only do the Pats suck on the road this year (1-3), but in case you hadn't noticed, the Saints are really freakin' good. I'm not buyin' their defense, so you might wanna take a look at the over too (57), but betting on the Pats might not be such a wise move. And if they allow New Orleans to come from behind and beat them in the 2nd half? Well then that's a trend we as Patriot fans might want to actually take note of, and start to be concerned about. Sure it will be better than rehashing 4th and...wait...was it 2 or 3? I can never remember...but another 2nd half collapse of sorts could signal more of an overlying issue than one wrong move by a typically risky coach...

For the record, because I know there are several of you out there that will tell me "Hey Rooch, I read your blog. Can't believe you're gonna be rooting against the Pats this week?!?"; I am cheering for the Pats, and I do want them to win. My job here, is to give betting advice. And if you want to bet on this game, I advise taking the Saints, and the skinny two. And "skinny two" is betting lingo for 1.5 points, not the nickname for that thing growing on the side of Drew Brees' face. I'm pretty sure he calls it "Oscar" or "Teddy"...

Oh but feel free to perpetuate the rumor that his parents named him "Drew" because when he was born the doctor said "Ahhhhh, it looks like somebody 'drew' a shit stain on his face!!". That's a solid rumor, right there, and who are you to attempt to debunk it? Huh? Yeah, I didn't think so...

Mole havin' bastard...

Last Week: 10-6-0 (Top Picks: 6-4-0)

Overall: 96-67-4 (.587)

Top Picks: 47-40-3 (.539)

Lock of the Week: 10-2-0


Elin Elin Woods, ya'll...

100...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving Picks: No Yammy, No Yammy, No Yammy. STOP!!



It's Thanksgiving, kids, and I'm giving thanks, by giving you a gift. That gift? Well it's access to my brain, of course. And while it might not go well with gravy, and you can't eat it the next day between 2 pieces of bread, the delicious treat I'm passing along may very well be the best part of your sure to be busy Thursday...

So enjoy, my friends. Both my picks and your Thanksgiving. I know you don't like your relatives, but pretend like you do for just one day, and I promise everything will be just fine. OK, maybe not. But between the football and the football, I'm sure you'll be able to distract yourself enough to still have a good time...

Get your eat on, pimps. It's turkey time, and it's time to chase that money...

Gobble, Gobble...

Thanksgiving Day Picks



Green Bay Packers (-11) @ Detroit Lions

It's Thanksgiving, it's the Beard, and it's the Lions...

Nuff said.

You might be wise to take the OVER 47.5 too, seeing as Rodgers and the Pack could easily hang 35 on the "L as in Lions", OR this could turn into another sketchy shootout i.e last week's scrubfest with the Browns...

Me? I happen to think the entire Packer team is rounding into form, so I'll hold off on the 47.5 and just take the Pack at the -11...

Rodgers, Jennings, Grant and Driver split the TurDucken, and everyone drives home safely. Or actually scratch that. The poeple in Detroit can't even afford cars anymore. So I guess walk home safely. And keep an eye out for the trash can fires and the bums with knives. They want stuffing, too, and some of them are off their meds, which could result in a dicey situation...

On second thought, I'd just watch this one from home, Lion fans. That is if you haven't had to sell your TV or burn it for warmth. Ahhhh, bad economy jokes. Will they ever get old? This blogger says No f'n way...




Oakland Raiders (+13.5) @ Dallas Cowboys

I thought the Raiders would be better than advertised this year, and I thought the Cowboys would implode. Two birds, one stone, and all while I'm inhaling delicious desserts...

I believe that's what they call "having your cake, eating it too, and watching too crappy teams with two hideous coaches, do their best not to embarrass themselves on National TV"

But hey, if you believe in karma at all, you might wanna take the Cowboys in a blowout. I mean, I figure Wade Phillips has a gullet, right? And who better to thrive on a day when Turkey's are king than a big fat guy with more chins than...well you can go ahead and finish that Chinese slur on your own time...

On second though, if Phillips comes out with his billowing man-gullet painted red like a turkey, I'm making my parents refinance their house, selling my car, all my clothes, and putting every cent on the Cowboys. And if he has a pilgrim hat on, I'm gonna come rob all of you and put your money on that sucker, too. What? It's a funny hat, right? And isn't he essentially Terd Ferguson?...

Gobble, gobble, you fat, multi-chinned Ted...




New York Giants @ Denver Broncos OVER 41.5

Shady late night Turkey Day shootout? You bet your candy yams it is! But that begs the question, who's eating yams anyway. And what actually is a yam? It sounds like "ham" that comes from a Yak, but I know that's not true. For now, I'll just imagine that it's some sort of vegetable that poor people used to eat out of necessity, rich people now eat on special occasions, and I wouldn't eat if you spotted me set of false teeth and some mouth wash...

It is fun to say though. Say it with me. Yam. And you even do a "Press Your Luck" type deal with it, if you're really anti Yam like me. No Yammy, No Yammy, No Yammy, No Yammy. STOP! (cue that dude that appears to be the grandfather of the Little Caesar's Pizza mascot, doing a dance that resembles the one that Ashley Simpson did on SNL)




Still hungry? Well between turkey sandos and plate upon plate of leftover pie, dine on these college rivalry games for a little added snack. ME? I'll be bust helping Attleboro defend their '08 Turkey Bowl title against the prepsters from Bishop Feehan. It's like West Side story, only we don't have knives...or do we?

Get some...

NCAA Picks
Auburn (+10) vs (2) Alabama

(5) Cincinnati (-21) vs Illinois

(6) Boise St. vs Nevada OVER 70.5

West Virginia (+1) vs (8) Pittsburgh


One more time, Happy Thanksgiving!

Gobble, Gobble...
100...


And one more thing. Since I'm really in the giving mood today, here's an awesome picture of Sheed. It's Sheedtastic!


So for real, I'm out. But not before I wish you and yours a truly Sheedtastic Thanksgiving. Nothin' like gettin' "T'd up" on "T-day"..

100...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

NFL Week 11 Picks: Cry, Cry Again...

What is this, the week 11 picks?

You bet your sweet ass it is. So let's save the pageantry and get right down to business...

Week 11 Picks

New England Patriots (-10.5)
vs New York Jets

So, it's been nearly a week. And despite the fact that every column and every sports talk show opens with "We're not here to talk about "4th & 2", they all end up just rehashing the controversial call, and it's aftermath, over and over and over again...

We've learned through digital slow motion photography, that Kevin Faulk did indeed get enough yardage for the first down, but at the same time we've come to realize that the camera angles necessary to determine that weren't available to the officials. Blah blah blah blah blah...

Get over it, people! It's time to move on!

And what better team to move on to, than the New York Jets? I mean they've lost 5 of 6 since starting 3-0 (a slide predicted right here, I might add/just did add), and their coach has again turned to drastic measures in hopes of motivating his team against their most feared divisional rival. In week 2, he used the "we're not scared" card, and the Jets came out on top, 16-9. This time? He's using the "please cry for me, Argentina" card. And in my opinion, that fat, weepy bastard is running out of cards. Like Belichick has always said, if you gear you're team up for one game, telling them that everything is riding on that one particular regular season game, getting them emotionally invested and hyped up. What happens if you lose? In my opinion, it's a roller coaster you'd rather avoid, but I guess in Rex's case, crying at a team meeting was just par for the course, and his way of staying consistent. All be it ineffective...

You can't completely blame Rex, amidst all the injuries and whatnot, but his strategy of trying to build up specific games as bigger than others is bound to catch up with him sooner or later. This week, it catches up in a big way, as the Pats have double-revenge on their mind, and are in desperate need of righting their ship. Not to mention, Welker's back to help Tom Terrific against the blitz...

Look for Brady and Co. to come out firing early, and to control the clock for the majority of the game. Oh, and if the Jets don't score first, or answer the Pats first score in a timely manner, then this one could be over sooner than you can say "Mayor McCheese"...

Pats 38 Jets 16

It's like Rex already cried, and when he sees the final score, he's gonna cry again...

And there's nothin' bootleg about that. Is there, Jerry?..


Indianapolis Colts (-1) @ Baltimore Ravens

I hate to quote somebody from "First & Ted", or if you'd prefer, "Cold Take", but I am a man that likes to give credit where credit is due. This time, the credit for the inspiration for this week's pick comes from none other than SLAM magazine magnate, Scoop Jackson...

After their near loss against the Patriots (4th &2, 4th & 2, 4th & 2!), Scoop mentioned the fact that the Colts might have a shot at going undefeated this year. They very well could be, as he so eloquently put it, a "team of destiny"...

Hey, listen, I don't wanna believe it either. After all, besides the Steelers there's no team I'd rather see lose than the Colts. But hey, when the man's got a good point, the man's got a good point...

The Ravens may have nearly upended the Pats on their run to regular season perfection, but after their close call against New England, don't expect the Colts to let the Ravens hang nearly as close...


Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+11.5) vs New Orleans Saints
St. Louis Rams (+9) vs Arizona Cardinals

Why are these two games grouped together you ask? Eh, well why the Hell not. Two massive home underdogs playing against two teams coming off less than stellar weeks? Seemed appropriate. Plus, the Saints and Rams played each other last week in a battle that ended my Bearded Lock streak, so I kinda feel like I have a basis for an appropriate comparison between the 4 teams and the 2 games...

In the St. Louis game, while I know the Cards are better on the road than at home this year, and that they're flat out better than the Rams, but 9 points is just too many. They may be awful, but after a near win against the Saints last week, I feel their first home "W" of 2009 can't be too far away...

In Tampa, I essentially like the Bucs to follow the St. Louis blueprint, and run the ball well enough to keep this one close. Whether it's Cadillac Williams, Derrick Ward, or the tooth fairy, the gig is up in regards to the Saints defense, and their days of blowing people out may be over. Especially against teams that can run the ball and control the block. Ya know, a team like the Bucs...


Detroit Lions (-3.5) vs Cleveland Browns UNDER 38.5

I'd rather attempt to cut open my veins with a rusty spoon than watch this game, but since I'm taking it as a Top Pick, here goes the analysis...Hey there, rusty spoon!!

The Lions? Favored?!?

That's right, kids. The Browns are so bad that even the Lions are giving points against them, and you'd be wise to take those points and run. Between the see saw situation at QB and veterans like Jamal Lewis complaining about tough practices, we all know how this is gonna end for Eric Mangini, and in all likelihood, it will end after this loss...

Imagine this, Patriot fans, and tell me this isn't the ideal scenario. Mangini gets fired in week 11, after his team loses to the Detroit Lions by 25+. Hey, it's gonna happen. So if you're down for celebrating demise, or dancing on people's graves, go ahead and get your tap shoes ready. That ship's goin' down, and for once, the Rat will be the last one to know about it...


Philadelphia Eagles (-3) @ Chicago Bears

A shady line, involving a team, a QB and a city I despise? Ehhhh, what the Hell. Lock it up, Beard lovers. I may have ended my 9 week streak last week taking the Saints against a ptsy on the road, but I'll take my chances doin' the same thing this week with the Eagles...

I mean, what? Just because their fans think it's a good idea to "fly" on the "road" to victory, doesn't mean their team still isn't better than their hapless opponent. It just means they're all dumb retards who like their steak burned and covered in Cheez Whiz, and would rather worship a fake boxer and boo Santa Claus than they would take some lessons in sports etiquette. Not from the Boston pink hats, mind you, but from somebody other than the ones in which they so enjoying sharing their "brotherly love"...

Kansas City Chiefs (+10) vs Pittsburgh Steelers

Listen. I'm 7-3-0 when picking Chiefs games this year, and I'm pretty sure I'm at the very least 3-1 when picking them as home underdogs. Feel the trend, man! Feel it! Because we all know, if you feel it, he will come...

Wait...that sounded like an incredibly gay line straight out of "Field of Creams", which I can only assume is a gay baseball porno featuring Mike Piazza handing out free mustache rides to Pant-less Joe Jackson and the rest of the 1,920 Black Guys...Uh...I mean 1920 Black Sox...

Come on, you knew I was bound to stumble into at least one gross moment this week, didn't ya? I'm sorry that it was a "gay" gross moment, but I can't really control that aspect of my personality. I just start typin' and my brain does the rest. Sometimes it comes up with funny puns about Serena's ass, and sometimes we get stuff like this. You win some, you lose some. kids. And in this case, I'm pretty sure we all just lost 5 minutes of out life at the very least...


Seattle Seahawks (+11) @ Minnesota Vikings

I know I've said time and time again that this is an awful strategy, but as I'm prone to do more often than not, I'm going against my own advice and attempting to predict the "nobody saw this comin'" upset of the week...

The Seahawks are awful on the road (0-4), the Vikings are great at home (4-0), and Seattle's best weapon, it's rushing "attack", is running smack into the 6th ranked rush defense in the league...

So, why the upset? Well, last week rookie RB, Justin Forsett and the Seattle offense went up against an even higher ranked rushing D on the road in Arizona, and Forsett torched the Cardinals for 123 in an 11 point loss. Granted that's the exact spread in their match up this week, and I've already conceded the Vikes are better than the Cards, but that's exactly why I'm taking this as the "nobody saw it coming" upset pick of the week...

Well, at least the "upset backdoor cover" of the week...


Monday Night
Tennessee Titans (+5) @ Houston Texans

Then we have the Titans and Texans on Monday Night Football. The Titans, return home to face the city and the fans that they left just a short 12 years ago, while the Texans hope their literal homefield advantage can help them rebound from a near win 2 weeks ago against the still undefeated Colts...

And therein lies the reason you would think would cause me to pick the Texans. "Two weeks ago". AKA - They're coming off a bye. That, and they've won 3 of their last 4, with their only loss a 3 point road defeat to the still undefeated Colts...

But this is a division game, and the fact that it's on Monday night, only gives me more reason to pick the Titans. They're familiar with their opponent, which means they don't necessarily need the extra preparation time. And seeing as they took such a brutal beatdown earlier in the year in front of their home fans, they can use this match up to make it up to their original fans, who still reside in Houston, and no doubt would still much rather be rooting for the Oilers...

Frank Reich ain't walkin' through that door, kids. Oilers win! Oilers win!



And here, are the bastard picks. May they all grow up to be big Hollywood stars, forgive me for neglecting them, and toss me a bone by allowing me to "executive produce" their latest film about killer teen robots, who try to take over the world, but realize they have hearts too, and decide not too. It's actually a good concept, and the voice of the head teen robot is done by the kid that used to do those Dell adds. Yeah, he's out of prison now / I'm pretty sure he's still in there, and is currently starring in his biggest role ever...Somebody's penis relief tube...Can you say "Academy Award", Dell guy? Well maybe you could if you took that makeshift rag out of your mouth...


Jacksonville Jaguars (-8.5) vs Buffalo Bills

Atlanta Falcons (+6.5) @ New York Giants

San Fransisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers OVER 42

Washington Redskins (+11) @ Dallas Cowboys

Cincinnati Bengals @ Oakland Raiders UNDER 36.5

Denver Broncos (+3) vs San Diego Chargers


Last Week: 12-4-0 (Top Picks: 8-2-0)

Top Picks: 41-36-3 (.531)

Overall: 86-61-4 (.583)

Lock of the Week: 9-2-0 (.818)

Lost out on pushing the lock streak to 10, but seeing as my week was fantastic otherwise, I really have no cause to complain. Actually got my Top Picks above .500, too, which is always a good thing...


Now, it's onto the college action...


This week's slate features Ohio St./Michigan, Stanford/Cal and some other great match ups, but to be honest my mind's already on to college hoops. How 'bout those Syracuse Orange, huh?

But I wouldn't be concerned. I'm fairly confident that the only reason I continue to slay NCAA football games against the spread is because I fail to actually breakdown and analyze these things beyond who's at home, how big's the #, and any past match ups between the two squads I might be able to recall from the ole memory bank...

Hey, it's a shady strategy, I know, and feel free to laugh. But it's a strategy I've been using for just about 5 years now, and it's been making me laugh, too. Laughin' all the way to the bank!, that is...Bam!

NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Florida (OFF)
vs Florida International

(2) Alabama (OFF)vs Chattanooga

(3) Texas (-27) vs Kansas

(4) TCU (-31) @ Wyoming

(6) Boise St. (-23) @ Utah St.

(9) Ohio St. (-11) @ Michigan

Ole Miss (-3.5) vs (10) LSU

Arizona (+6.5) vs (11) Oregon

Michigan St. (+3.5) vs (13) Penn St.

(14) Stanford (-7) vs California

(15) Iowa (-10) vs Minnesota

(16) Virginia Tech (-21) vs NC St.

Northwestern (+7) vs (17) Wisconsin

(18) Clemson (-21) vs Virginia

(19) BYU (-10) vs Air Force

(20) Oregon St. (-31) @ Washington St.

Duke (+19.5) @ (21) Miami

(23) Utah (-20) vs San Diego St.

(24) Houston (-23.5) vs Memphis

(25) Rutgers (-9.5) @ Syracuse



Last Week: 11-9-0

Overall: 106-66-4 (.614)


So there you have it, Teds and Tedettes. Another week of delicious picks for you to savor, and I even managed to reference the Dell guy and Mayor McCheese. All 'n all, I'd say that's a pretty successful post...

Before I go, I'd like to again thank all of you for the amazing response I got from the "4th & 2" post, and assure you that it should only be a matter of time before Frosco has the comment section up and running so you can more easily praise or rip me right there on the spot. Trust me, he's workin' on it. And even if it means the delayed release of my new "Mad Men", background, so be it. Without the people, there can be no Nation. Without the people, it would just be me, typing down the things that appear in my brain. And that's not cool, matter of fact, I'm pretty sure it's part of the clinical definition of "insanity"...

But what do I know? I'm not a doctor. Even though sometimes I play one on the radio...

See you next week, kids! And if I don't talk to you before, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Gobble Gobble...

Teddy Williams...
100...