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Thursday, April 24, 2008

So Are You a Fan? OR Is That a Rope Around Your Junk?

What it is, boys and girls? Welcome to the Nation for those of you joining me for the first time, and let me get right down to business. Due to my flourishing Intraweb poker career, my increased role at work, and my need for necessary substance abuse and sleep, it's getting harder to squeeze these weekly blogs in. However, seeing as I know so many of you depend on me for the real stories behind the stories, and the REAL takes on all things sports and entertainment, I couldn't leave you hangin' just because I have a little on my plate. That being said, here's what's good in the Nation for this week, and boy is it a doozy...


As usual, I'll get down to brass tacks right off the bat, and analyze the play of YOUR white hot Boston Red Sox. Another Nation that I just so happen to endorse...


Red Sox Update


Overall:
15-8, 1st in AL East by 2 games

-Wow. I mean what else is there to even say at this point? Other than the influenza tearing through the clubhouse, there isn't one bad thing I can even think of saying about the Sox play so far in '08. The young guys like Lowrie and Ellsbury are doin' the damn thing. Manny, Youk and Pedroia are rippin' the cover off the ball. JD Drew isn't injured yet. Ortiz has finally come around. And even Jason Varitek is providing some offensive pop! They've won 10 of their last 12, and even though the pitching hasn't been anything to write to Hahhhhvid about, their repeat, clutch, comeback wins have everyone in this town singing nothing but happy tunes. And not like gay, old timey good tunes either. And certainly not anything by Dropkick Murphy's. I'm talkin' strutting down the street, aviator shades on, and bumpin' the shit that shakes the shudders, and shatters the windows. This team can do no wrong so far, and instead of trying to figure out how they're doing it, I've decided to just leave good enough alone. Pass the beer and enjoy the show, kiddies. It's shapin' up like one heck of a summer...


Diamonds...She'll Pretty Much Have To

-Well you really gotta hand it to those folks at the new, "edgy" news magazine program on the World Wide Leader, E60. In their latest attempts to find suitable work for suits like Jeremy Schaat-stain and Michael "do I own a tie that's not pink" Smith, the show decided to go Ashton Kutcher on lovable yet controversial slugger, Miguel Tejada. First, the show called the Orioles to ask permission for the interview. During which, the Orioles asked if the show would be discussing the Mitchell Report or Jose Canseco's book. If so the deal was off, but E60 said they need not worry. They only wanted to ask Miggy a few "baseball" questions. Right...then how the Hell did this happen?



Hey good work, fellas. Way to ambush a guy and make him look foolish. Sure it makes for good TV, but there's a way to do things, and a way that'll make you look like...well...a sniveling weasel like Jeremy Schaap. This is what ESPN's all about now, huh? Tricking guys into looking like fools on National TV? There's a time and a place for that shit. It's called VH1, E!, and the time is late at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. Freaking ESPN. Guess it's no surprise that Mike & Mike are getting closer and closer to Dingo and the Baby with each passing day. They already have the gay baby, now they just need a talking dog. Paging Dana Jacobson...Paging Dana Jacobson...

*Now I'm not a total ESPN hater, actually far from it. As evidence, I provide you two excellent articles from ESPN.com that you really should check out. One deals with the aftermath of Mike Gundy's "Fat!" rant, and the other deals with the whereabouts of former coaching prodigy, Quinn Snyder. Both are great reads and I highly recommend that you check them out. Not now, mind you. First stay here and finish seeing what I have to say. Those other articles are good (the Gundy one was especially interesting), but I wouldn't say either of those flunkies holds a candle to this pimp...

Snyder Story: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=pearlman/080418

Gundy Story: http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3341578


-Not nearly as lovable, but just as controversial, has been the actions so far this season of Little George, aka, Hank Steinbrenner. Most recently Hank's been on the front pages for telling anyone that would listen that keeping phenom Joba Chamberlain in the bullpen is just "stupid." Typical short-sighted rich crybaby. Sure Joba could ultimately end up as a starter, but moving him now would just be robbing Peter to pay Paul. And if you want to be the GM, you own the freakin' team, so make it happen. This isn't some version of Madden '05 where you can just trade, shuffle and rebuild your team anytime you like. It takes calculated decisions and actual baseball knowledge to make a good team. We've all seen how turbulent a process it is to try and run a team via the media from the owners box, and I for one can say I'm looking forward to see if Hank is up to the task. He's wrong about, Joba, at least for '08, and if he keeps flappin' his gums like the old man before him, he might find the new coach isn't on his side. I happen to remember something about Girardi scrapping with the Marlins owner...on the field...during a game...and being showed the door just a few days down later. Hmmm...Now picture that happening in the most ferocious media and baseball market of them all. Yeah, like I said before. This is gonna be a GREAT summer...

-Oh, and just to keep that ball rolling, I have to call myself on a little "forest through the trees" when it comes to the New York Yankees and their suspect pitching staff. I gushed a little about the Yanks bullpen a little last week, but failed to see the plain fact that's right in front of me on a nightly basis. If your starting pitching sucks, it really doesn't matter how good your bullpen is. I don't agree with moving Joba to the rotation, but I do think Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy better start showing some improvement for this team to have the run I think they're capable of having. I still think even with those two developing that they'll need another big arm to contend, but if the pitching doesn't improve soon, and the stellar bullpen gets burned out, it might be the classic case of too little too late. Granted we're only 22 games in, but at some point you have to start looking at what this team actually IS, and that's a team without enough horses at the front of their rotation. At least for now...


News and Notes
-Now I know I said I wasn't going to really pay attention to the Celtics until they reached the Eastern Conference Finals, but some of the talk surrounding their first round series with the Hawks has piqued my interest. After a game one beat down, Atlanta point guard Mike Bibby called out the fans at TD BankNorth Garden, going as far as to label them as "fair-weather." Well, Mike. I have only one thing to say to that bold remark. THANK YOU. You might be a pussy, and your intentions might have been in line with mine, but I love the message your sendin' out. As witnessed by the recent one week love affair with the Bruins, the pink Tom Brady jerseys, and the remake of Fenway Park into a minivan filled Chuck E Cheese, I would say it's painfully obvious that the former Arizona grad hit the nail right on the head.

What? SO you think I'm calling myself out? Far from it. In fact, I'm calling most of you out. I've been a Red Sox and Patriots fan since I can remember, and I haven't cared for the Bruins or Celtics in about a decade+, and let me tell you right now. No title runs. No MVPS. And no Duck Boat parades are ever gonna change that. I'm not a hater, mind you. I just happen to know what it actually means to be a fan. I can enjoy what the Celtics or Bruins are doing, but how is that any different from enjoying any good team do good things, whether they be from Boston or Tahiti? It's not. Difference is, real fans are the ones that stick by, live, and die with their team, not the ones that are simply drawn in by fashionable success. I'm not saying you can't enjoy a team like the C's that have brought themselves back from the dead. And I'm not saying that you need to be some sort of encyclopedia of sports knowledge to be a fan. All I'm saying, is being a fan isn't a part time gig, and it's certainly not some geographic rite of passage. A fan is with their team through think and thin. The Garden was empty when the Celts were tankin' it up, but yet now it's full. How you figure that? In a time when the economy is in the shitter, and the Euro is raping the dollar at 1.6 to 1, people in Boston suddenly have cakes to sling around for premium club seats cuz they just can't miss that next Kevin Garnett dunk. Not buyin' it. You're there cuz it's the cool thing to do, and Mike Bibby and I can see right through your poser ass. Again, there's no shame in getting caught up in championship fever. Hell, it happens to the best of us. Just don't go around calling yourself a fan, because you're giving all us REAL fans a bad name.

Maybe it's just a definition of the word "fan," and maybe it's my high standards, but if what I see in this area now is what passes as a fan these days, then I'm gonna have to come up with a superior word when referring to how I feel about my teams. Oh, and if you're not sure if you're a legit fan or not, take a look around you real quick. If there isn't a plastic logo cup of your team, with crusted beer or soda foam sticking to the side in your plain view, then you should probably start searchin' eBay for that pink Rajon Rondo jersey. I hear they're big sellers...


-So Danica Patrick finally pulled out a victory in her 50th start as an Indy car driver this past week, becoming the first female to grab a win in the series history. What does that tell us about the "sport" of car racing? Say it with me now kids. If a chick can win, then it's not a real sport. People say bowling and poker aren't sports because you can drink and smoke while yo do 'em, and I say then the same must apply to driving. I was just drinkin' a Wild Cherry Pepsi as I drove to work for cryin' out loud! Props to her for the win, but it really just proves what most of us have known all along. That driving's not a sport. All she did was make it official. Thanks babe, and thanks for the ass shot...really helps me put my argument into perspective...


-One woman that's actually doing her sport proud these days is Ms. T-Money Woods, otherwise known as pro golfer Lorena Ochoa. Obviously I know she's not really married to El Tigre, but her performance on the course actually does deserve Tiger-like acclaim. In just 6 LPGA events this year, Ochoa has a major championship to go along with a mind boggling 5 wins! Hey, I'm not saying you need to care, watch, or investigate further, but I just figure I'd give ya the heads up. I know I just ripped chicks that play sports, but all kidding aside what Ochoa is doing is both note-worthy and impressive. She's actually playing a sport, for one. And while she might not look nearly as good in a bikini, we should still at least acknowledge that she's kickin' everyones ass. See, now I got you thinkin' about girls kickin' each others asses. C-c-c-cat fight!...


-And as if it weren't insulting to the game enough to have it buried behind two stories about humans with boobs, I'm here to officially toss the dirt onto the grave of a Nation that rivals mine for number of fans. Naturally, I'm referring to the embarrassing Euro-mess of a game that is the NHL, and more specifically, the Boston Bruins. At least that's what they were being called the last time I could actually find their games on TV. In an area where championships are now the gold standard, and pink hats rule the day, we'll only watch when the B's have the next Sidney Crosby anyway. And with that management team...well...let's just say they would have to make '08 Dany Ainge look like everyday Isiah Thomas in order to get that one done...


-Back to relevant sports news. The NFL Draft is creeping up upon us this weekend which could mean only one thing. No, not an increase in hookers around the Radio City Music Hall, although be on the lookout for Mo Vaughn. No, what I've been awaiting like clock work has arrived right on cue. And that's an announcement that an agreement has been reached for former Patriots cameraman, Matt Walsh, to finally spill his guts to Roger Goodell and the NFL. I mean, not that I'm keeping track, but why does all the news surrounding this guy always seem to pop up right before big NFL events? It's obviously some sort of cash grab/Arlen Specter is apparently back from vacation and ready to put his agenda back on the front page. It's very akin to how MLB drags out their post season awards for all the off season publicity. The people that want to see the Pats go down, made sure all this came up at the perfect time for it to gain the most attention. Fine. At least we're finally gonna see what this guy has to say, and more importantly what he has to show. In true red tape bureaucratic form, none of this will be known until a solid week or two into May, but at least it seems that the ball has actually begun to roll after quite the delay. Time for Walsh to put up or shut up, and time to see if all this fuss was worth the time fools like me spent talking about it...

Oh, and that Adam Pacman (the #1 White-T Jew) trade finally went down, and he's now free to roam about the Dallas skin joints....DING!


-From across the room I heard four key phrases that brought me to this next story. Meth, British, CNN and Sex Toys. Of course I'm referring to British CNN correspondent Richard "Johnny" Quest, who was caught in a rather scandalous after hours adventure this week in NYC. Reportedly, the cops found Quest in the park, with a rope tied around his neck and genitals, a pocket full of meth, and a few sex toys in his trunk, apparently waiting for some sort of kinky Central Park gay lovin.' Now I don't claim to be any sort of kinky-homo-meth-outside-oxygen deprivation sex expert here, but this whole thing just seems really off. Not the meth, of course, which undoubtedly was the cause of the whole thing, but what's with the freakin' rope?! I don't even want to think about what kind of tripped out shit your doin' with that, man! I mean, don't you know that you work for CNN? People might actually recognize you, man. I sure as shit didn't, but obviously these cops did! Well, I guess to be fair they just recognized him has a drugged up homo-skank, but any publicity is good publicity, right? Wow. Even somethin' like this is a little out there for me to imagine, and I've seen the best that cable has to offer in the way of drug/police documentaries. Tying a rope around your junk, and searching the bushes for a gay junkie to tug on it. All while that same junkie apparently tries to choke you out, and then presumably steals your meth, and your rope, and gets the fuck out of dodge? Creepy man. That shit's just flat out creepy. And the fact that I can picture you saying "cheerio" all fast and shit while this all goes down, isn't exactly helping the mental image...


-Now I don't wanna get political on ya here, but I figured I'd pass this along. No, not the WWE shtick with the Presidential hopefuls, although I left that there if you haven't seen it. No, what prompted these political ramblings was a run in I had with one of our country's US Marines at a local gas station. As I walked in, it became evident that the cashier, who couldn't have been older than 19, was having trouble processing this Marine's order to pre-pay for a tank of gas. So, after a few seconds of patience, the guy began ranting and raving at how he took gunfire for his country in Afghanistan, but couldn't even get a tank of gas in his own country. The country HE, mind you, played a key role in defending. He was pissed because he thought somehow he should be treated better by a credit card gas pump than the next guy, simply because he had served the country in "a time of war."


Yeah. Well listen up, Jethro. You're the reason the war in Iraq scares me. I'm afraid that dumb ass, ignorant hicks like you are the ones over their representing me and my freedom to all the nations of the World. Telling the people over there that they somehow owe us a debt of gratitude. That we're the mother fuckin' United States, and their towel wearin' ass would be neck deep in camel shit if it wasn't for us and our guns. You really make me sick. You attach yourself on to all the proud veterans who served in WWI, WWII, Korea and Vietnam, and somehow think that because you fought for this country, that you deserve to be treated like a King upon your return. Well news flash, Jarhead. While I'm happy that you're out there providing me with the freedom to write this blog, I don't need that thrown back in my face because your dumb ass can't pump gas. I'm grateful for what you do, but I "owe" you about as much as you owe me. I mean you freaking volunteered didn't you? I don't see the guys that recycle cursing peeps out at the Stop and Shop, tellin' them they owe you their life because they are helping to save the environment!
I know you're only in the army because you barely made it out of high school and you have a thing for camo and guns, but even a mind that simple should be able to comprehend that telling people how important you are to their survival isn't exactly the best way to endear yourselves to them. Now I know the umbrella I just cast will make a lot of people upset, and for that I apologize. I know you're not all the same, and many of you actually bring good intentions and honor to the work you do. Matter of fact, those of you that do perform your duty with honor are probably more sickened by these tards actions than I am.

So help me God, the next time I stumble on a guy that wants to tell me how much I owe him, or how much he's owed by the country, we're gonna have to throw down. Not hand to hand, mind you, because they'd kill me. But a battle of the minds. Bring that shit to me, and I'll rip your moral values apart like Dakota Fanning at Ron Jeremy fantasy camp. Not in my country, man. And certianly not in my Cumberland Farms! This is America. If you don't like Cumby's you can get the fuck out!...


OK then. On that note, I'm gonna shadily sneak out the back way like the guy who didn't look around before he told that black joke...

Have a solid weekend everyone and enjoy the beautiful weather. Gas prices may be high, but the sun is shinin' and the air is so dewy sweet, you don't even need to lick that 20 bag. I'll be back next week with an update on how my quest to make it in the sports radio industry, and more than likely a breakdown of the NFL Draft. Until then, I'm out like Hillary...

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Who Knew God Was a Keno Fan?

Greetings and salutations my good friends. Without fail, the improved weather combined with the start of the baseball season has really picked up my spirits. Not to say my spirits were low, but after a tragic end to the Patriots season and a slightly disappointing NCAA Tournament, the baseball season and the sweet summer breeze could not have come soon enough. This week, I'm comin' at ya with a lot of baseball stuff, a little bit of T-Woods, and some very astute observations about the NHL and NBA playoffs. I'll get in my cheap shots, sprinkle in some good analysis, and in some odd way you'll all be a little better off for having read it. Oh, and did I mention Hank Steinbrenner is a 5 year old trapped in the body of a huge tool? That's all in here somewhere, so check it out...


Obviously, with the Yanks and Sox in full swing, I have to start there. I just wouldn't be an angry NorthEast sports fan if I didn't, right?...


Red Sox Update
Overall: 9-7, 1st place tie in AL East



-I can't help but get the feeling that Curt Schilling thinks he's way smarter than the rest of us. It's either that, or his "good friend" and personal physician, Craig Morgan, is a liar, and/or an idiot. Dr. Morgan went on sports radio in Philly and Boston this week and said without a doubt, Curt Schilling told him he wanted to pitch for the Yankees next year, and that his rehab was going nowhere. He was given a chance to go back or re neg on any of his statements, but instead stood by his word. Not an hour after he was on with John Dennis and Jerry Callahan in Boston, Schilling came on, laughed at the mere notion of saying such a thing, and jokingly said Dr. Morgan must have "misremembered." One week, the guy knows your arm better than "anyone" in the world, and the next he's some old coot that can't figure out why his long johns are lined with chocolate pudding and raspberry preserves! I know it sounds like conspiracy, but I think Curt did say what the good Dr. is claiming. I don't think he meant it, but I think he wanted it out there and knew Morgan would blab to the first microphone shoved in front of his grill. After all, Morgan is already pissed at the Sox for denting his ego when they insisted Curt be looked at by other doctors, and then choosing a rehab plan that is radically different than the course of action Morgan had suggested. I think Schill knew the guy had an axe to grind, and he figured he could use his hard feelings to his own advantage. Curt's used to being in the media spotlight, and since he's been on the DL he hasn't been getting the love he's used to on his blog, in the papers and on TV. He wanted the "red lights" back on him, now they are, and I think that's all this thing was. It's what I hate about Schill, but if a little attention now and again is all it takes for him to get back on the field and contributing, then I say it's a small price to pay. Whether he's a fat, McCain lovin' glory hog or not...

As far as the actual play on the field through the first 16 games, I'd say it's been pretty damn good. Despite inconsistencies from Lester, Dice K, and Buchholz, an ineffective Big Papi, and a suspect bullpen, the Sox are still 9-6 and at the top of the division. Josh Beckett hasn't been lights out, and David Ortiz is hitting around .100, and the they're still above .500. While I hope it's not a sign of things to come for Papi and Beckett, it's good to see the rest of the team can pick up the slack when needed. Manny is flat out tearing the cover off the ball, and that's not just his average and his 14 RBI, it's just how he looks. He's in one of those zones that he's gotten in throughout his career. Hopefully more managers think like Joe Girardi and pitch to him in clutch situations. Then we might not even need Ortiz!



Youk's out to a hot start hitting .385 with 11 RBI and 11 runs, Coco's hitting .325 with 2 stolen bases, and even Drew is off to a good start hitting .316 with 3 dingers. That doesn't mean I still don't think he's gonna get hurt, but I'll get to that in a minute. The point is, even with some of the big guns still finding their groove, this team is more than holding their own. To me, that can't be a bad sign of things to come...


Oh and apparently we don't have to take Mike Timlin out back and shoot him....but I can't say he's bought himself all that much time to live. Just because he looked good matched up against Joe Borowski, doesn't mean he's back to his old form. IT just means that Borowski needs to be taken out back and turned into glue, while Timlin's bought himself about a week to prove that he hasn't gone all "every old dude that thinks he's still got it" on us. Giving up 3 runs and 4 hits in one inning against the Yankees on Wednesday? Not the best start to that all important week...


One last thing on the Sox. With the emergence of Ellsbury, and the steady improved play form Brandon Moss and Jed Lowrie, it makes me kind scratch my head about something. Theo Epstein wasn't willing to part with any of these guys to make off season moves, which I respect, but he also built a lineup filled with guaranteed money that's blocking these guys from getting any real playing time. Drew, Lugo and Crisp could have easily been 3 scrubs making half the money, that can now be easily moved aside for the emerging stars you've some patiently waited on to develop. Now I know they can still use these guys as pieces in late season deals, but that will just stick you with two, higher paid, and likely less skilled players a few years down the road. The plan has always been to go young as often as you can, to become as financially profitable as you can, and to win titles. Well in my eyes, a lot of these young guys are ready to produce, but thanks to questionable free agent dealings, there isn't any room for them to show what they can do. Now if only JD Drew can pull a skull muscle trying to tie his shoes. Maybe then at least Tacoby Bellsbury can get in the lineup on an everyday basis. The injury to Cora has already opened the door for Lowrie and Joe Thurston to walk on through, and I think the more experience these guys can get, the better off the entire team will be. Now, and for many years to come if they actually get the reps they need..


Oh and word on the farm is that Craig Hansen has been lights out in Pawtucket. A birdie told me before the season started that Hansen would be so good by the end of this season, that the talk again next off season would be moving Papelbon into the rotation. Obviously still crazy to say that now, but if this kid's got his head right again, there's no doubt in my mind he play prominently in this bullpen by the All Star break. At least after I shoot Mike Timlin and tell the team that he went to live on a farm upstate, there will be a roster spot available for him...


Diamonds...She'll Pretty Much Have To
-Seeing as I'm all up in the Yankee biz these days at work, I figure it's my duty to give my thoughts on how the Pin Stripes have started their own '08 campaign...



Now I hate to be the bearer of bad news to Red Sox Nation, but the Yankee team I've been following to start of this year has all the makings to be a big time threat for the American League Championship. Like the Sox, a few of their stars have gotten off to slow starts, but like in Boston, that void has been filled quite nicely by their role players, which only bodes well for the long grind of the season. SS Alberto Gonzalez, C Jose Molina, and IF Morgan Ensberg have been much appreciated contributors, while Hideki Matusi and Bobby Abreu have truly risen to the top and provided real clutch, power hits. The starting rotation has been Wang and the Gang (with the "gang" sucking ass for the most part) but the bull pen has emerged as a real strength. Much like the Mariano to Wetteland tandem that got their dynasty started, Joba to Mariano is just as dangerous. Once their lineup starts scoring runs, and they will, they'll only need to ask 5+ innings out of their starters before handing the game over to their pen with extreme confidence. Kyle Farsnworth has been much better from a year ago, and with young arms like Brian Bruney and Jared Albaladejo emerging as dependable options to bridge the gap New York is going to be kept in a lot of games that can use their offense to win. Wang has really emerged as a #1 so far this year, and while the rest of the staff looks a bit suspect, I have faith that no matter how nutty Hank Steinbrenner is, he knows enough to go out and get another guy to fill out the top end of rotation before the stretch run. Believe me, it pains me to say this, but from a strictly business standpoint, I have to say this is a team that looks like it's going to be really scary come July and August. With a lineup and a bullpen like that, they'll find enough pitching to be a major factor, no matter how much the average Boston fan will try to tell you otherwise...


Now to go a little "Red Sox" fan on ya, I think what Hank Steinbrenner has been doing lately has been very un-Yankee of him. Matter of fact, between his denouncing of Red Sox Nation, and the digging up of the buried Ortiz jersey in the new stadium, he's coming off looking an awful lot like the pre World Series winning Red Sox! He's bitchin' about things he can't control, he's pickin' a fight with the World Champ, and he's just lookin like a whiny bastard while he's doin' it! Listen, little George. We already thought you were gonna be an ass in the mold of your father, but at least that guy had some stones to kick some ass and build a winner. So far, all you've done, is bitch and moan about how the Red Sox got your number, and taken some of the shine off the glowing beacon of a franchise your father used his sweat and tears to build. Listen, I understand not wanting that jersey buried in your stadium, but so far all your actions have made your team look a little soft, and a little scared. Ya know, a little like the old Boston Red Sox...


-Hey Cub fans. I believe in God, and the only man I fear, is Kaisar Soze. That is to say. I don't
believe in curse's, but I believe in you and your dumb ass fans. That franchise flat out sucks, and they're already starting to fall apart. Soriano is now hurt, and though Kerry Wood has been a pleasant surprise at closer, you get a feeling that the bad energy that's always surrounded this team is just too much to overcome. Especially in a year where Moises Alou comes out and says he actually had "no shot" of fielding that Bartman ball in the '03 NLCS (uh OK...but did you not see the picture? ). Poor, nerdy bastard. Got run out of town because some guy that pisses on his hands, and a bunch of tarded out fans, through a freakin' hissy fit and blame him for all their life's problems! Sure he looks like a tool, but that doesn't mean you have to force the guy into witness protection, does it? Bunch of clowns. Uhhhhh you know it's not called the Windy City because of the actual wind??? Shut the Hell up. I hope all your players get hurt, and the next time the army misfires a projectile, it lands in Wrigley freaking field. You're not cursed, you're just inept. If you wanna win, sell the team to Mark Cuban. If you want to keep entertaining the rest of us with your embarrassing franchise, then by all means just keep doin' what yer doin. just be glad that Harry Carey isn't around. By now even he would have gotten laser eye surgery, realized you sucked, and offed himself by leaping out of the box with a rope around his neck during the 7th inning stretch. A ONE! A TWO! Hey, evry'body! Go Fuck yourselves! I'll see you in Hell cuz I got liquored up and hit a kid with me car in the 50's....and then did things with his corpse that apparently are only legal in West Virginia and certain alleys in Cincinnati.....and then he's dead....Much like the horse I just beat....CHICAGO SUCKS...



News and Notes
-Who would of thought that a week after Tiger fails to win the Masters, and mere days after he went under the knife for knee surgery, that PGA Tour players would be more scared of Mr. Woods than ever. Just think, if the guy was playing this well while he was hurt, then how does anyone else stand a chance once he's actually 100%?!? Not that I'm saying the only reason he didn't win the Masters was because he was hurt, because you could easily blame his putting, but the fact that he wasn't healthy in losing by only 3 strokes has to be a little disconcerting to the rest of the field. It's a shame that he wasn't in peak physical condition in a year he was allegedly making a run at winning all 4 Majors, but I say once he gets healthy and returns for the US Open in June, he'll go on a run of winning either 5 straight Majors, or 6 out of the next 8. Yeah, I know how ridiculous that sounds, but that's how good I think he is, and how well I think he's going to rebound from this injury. He'll be swillin' that new Gatorade he's got out there, and even workin' on a new formula, Gatorade Recovery Glacier Jordan Special Nighttime Formula. You thought the new Gatorade for athletes during the day was hot, then you gotta try this shit. It's the Gatorade that's built for someone that's fresh out of surgery, someone about to go into surgery, or someone that's just so poor they need to sleep at the hospital. A few weeks of poundin' those bad boys down, and Tiger will be fist pumpin' and primal screamin' in no time. He's Tiger freaking Woods, and once he's back in good health, the rest of the PGA is going to return to being as relevant as it was before he even joined their ranks. Fore!!!.....




-According to Father Shanley, "God sent coach Davis to Providence." Shanley is the President of Providence College and some sort of church guy. Coach Davis is former Drake head man, Keno Davis. And as far as God goes, well he allegedly created heaven and earth. That was Shanley's quote plastered on the front of the Providence Journal sports section. Really? I think one of those alter boys you were "checking for moles" must have slipped you a mickey my good man. If anything, it's the Devil himself that has a watchful eye on the PC Friars. Like have you even watched this team play? OR heard how the fans rip them a part? And was I out of the room, or have you guys not done anything in the post season since Austin Croshere white-manned that team to the Elite 8? God sent Keno Davis to Providence? Maybe God gave him the idea for that camp he's got goin' there, but I'm not sure he's sending him to a place a stone's throw from Central Falls. By that logic he must have sent Keno to Southern Indiana and Drake before hand. What kind of screwed up God is sending anyone they like to Drake!? I say thanks but not thanks, your emminence, but I would rather be stoned (think Bible, not Half Baked) and pecked apart by birds of prey than be sent to the Mid West!...


And If God was the reason that Keno ended up in the capital city, then dare I say I'm fairly sure I know more about college hoops than the man upstairs. The guy the Friars really wanted, Travis Ford, turned his PC visit into a big extension in Amherst, and has now bolted for the greener pastures of Stillwater, Oklahoma. Travis Ford was the best man for the Friar job, and while Davis is a good hire, he's at best a silver medal. He'll be able to coach the kids up, and probably have them competing for a tourney spot next year, but like Ford, he'll always be looking to move up the coaching ladder. That's what PC fans have to accept, but it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. You may have a "stepping stone" type job, but like Crean in Marquette, if you can get a guy to stay a little longer than he should, then it can really give your team a great foundation and a nice tradition to recruit behind. I think Davis is capable of doing that at Providence, but with that success will come the big money and lure of a National Title at the bigger schools both in conference and out...

So I guess in the long run, it won't make a huge difference that Ford is at Oklahoma St. and Davis is at Providence, just don't tell me he was your #1 choice. And certainly don't try to tell me God sent him there. God has no time for PC and their miserable fans. He's busy trying to figure out why there were minorities in Washington chanting "the Pope is worse than Osama bin Laden"...Ouch...Apparently they aren't big Keno Davis fans, eh?...Either that or they really like Osama, in which case I hate to tell them they might be in the wrong country. Just a thought...


-Sticking with hoops, the NBA regular season has finally come to an end, and now the second season is upon us. After watching the Celtics all season long (prolly saw majority of like 40-50 games), I've been itching for the playoffs to start for a while now, but to be honest, this 1st round thing isn't really doin' it for me. Matter of fact. With home court on their side, it seems anything short of the Eastern Conference Finals isn't even going to get my blood boiling. I mean I know this team isn't playoff tested as a group, and that anything can happen in the playoffs, but I just don't see the need to watch. I think the Celts gots through the first two rounds easy, and no matter who they play in the Eastern Finals, it's gonna be a great series. Maybe I'm just making it easier for me to hate on them if they do happen to tank in the first few rounds, but I seriously think they're gonna cruise to at least the Conference Finals. I don't think they're first few round match ups will be all that entertaining, so I'll just stick to watching the Sox, catch the box score, and wait for big time playoff basketball to return to the Bean for the first time since I was still thinkin' taking a bath was the best way to clean yourself. Seriously, how is sitting in a pool of your own stank and grime possibly a good thing, huh? I'm sure I'll go back on all this when the Wizards, who were 3-0 against the C's in '08, are up 1-0 against them in the first round, but I won't flip flop on that one until I actually see some results. After all, Washington needs to get by LeBron first. And I'm not totally sure, but I think there might be a "witness" in that series. And that might prevent the Wiz from even tasting round #2...


(Note: It's a good thing that Danny Ainge doesn't have to do much as GM during the playoffs. otherwise I would think all his brothers/sisters/parents/cousins/lovers/cousins/uncles that are really just your dad's drinkin' buddy/cousins were getting arrested at that "religious compound" they got goin on there in Texas. I'm sure God told you to hook up with all those 14 year olds right after he told Keno Davis to take the PC job. At least that would seem like the consistent move, wouldn't it? Hope you can iron out all these family issues Dan, see you at the parade!)


As for who the Celts could possibly meet from the West, I have to give the nod to the Lakers or the Spurs. New Orleans and Utah would be the next two for me, but they seem to lack the experience and real big time veterans to really be counted on in the grind of a playoff series. In San Antonio, you have a team that obviously knows what it takes, and is clicking at the right time. And in LA, you have a team that's surpassed all expectations , with the trade for Pau Gasol having the Los Angelino's hopping on the bandwagon so fast they spilled their Starbuck's all over the leather interior of their Mercedes convertible. Kobe has been a legit MVP candidate all season long, and unless he tries to rape somebody between now and the Finals, I would have to say his team has the best chance of taking the West. And hey, who am I to argue with the great Mike Tyson? What? I don't want him to eat my children. And I sure as Hell don't want him to blast me into Bolivian...hmmmm...or maybe I do, you face tat wearin' freak...


-The NFL Draft is nearly upon us, yet thanks to the lack of skill players at the top of the board, the pre draft buzz has softened considerably compared to years past. The one thing I've been thinking about as a Patriots fan, is the intrigue involved with what the team might do with their #7 pick. Now the Pats are usually impossible to read when it comes to the draft, so I won't try to guess who they'll take. What interests me, is the position of power they might be in should QB Matt Ryan or RB Darrent McFadden fall to them at the 7th pick. I won't bother to speculate at what they might do should that happen, but it's really the only storyline worth following as the draft draws near. As always, you know it's gonna be entertaining to watch what they do, and you know it's gonna be some move that screws another less fortunate team, and helps the Pats add another car to the train that's become their powerful dynasty. Choo Choo baby. Choo Choo...


-So Herschel Walker has 12 different personalities. What I wanna know is. If he's not on the Surreal Life, with the other 11 personalities as his co-stars...and they aren't all somehow competing for the love of Devine Brown (Hugh Grant's black hooker), then I gotta say I'm just not interested. Pfffff. Multiple personalities. That's so 1980's Lifetime Movies. Get a meth addiction, a busted marriage or a rage problem, and then we can talk. Until then, get off my TV. I got DVR shit needs watchin...


Fantasy Update
-I know I said I wasn't gonna keep constant tabs on my fantasy baseball teams this season, but there have been a few changes made to my teams that I thought I'd keep you abreast of. That, and I like saying "abreast." In my head-to-head league, all is still the same. My team, Bartolo Colon Cancer, is off to a decent start and is currently nestled right in the middle of the pack. They've got some issues in the bully, but it's nothing they can't overcome...


NOW. On my Rotisserie team, there has been a big time shakeup. First off, since I was becoming confused, I changed the name of this team from Bartolo Colon Cancer to J-Roll's Rainmakers. Having two teams with the same name was seriously just screwing with my head, and seeing as the teams have some of the same players, I could never remember which guys were on which team. Now, my head is straight, and it's time to Make it Rain, like my man Super Mario Chalmers. I picked J-Roll for Jimmy Rollins, because he was my first round pick on both teams. Not workin' out so great just yet, but ya'll better watch the F out! When J-Roll step in the cut, shits bound to get so bumpin' that the jump off bound to be jumpin' in. Bam! Second, thanks to some queer feature afforded me by the good folks at Yahoo!, I've been able to bring Frosco on board as my co-manager. Personally, I think he's just trying to gravy-train his way to half a tiny trophy, but he claims he's in it to give it his all. Only time will tell, but I'll keep you updated on every mis step that tiny Italian makes, and how detrimental it is to my ultimate quest for victory...

Well thanks to a late night Sox/Yanks game, I'm wiped and ready for another rest, but I'm glad I was able to bang this out for the week and keep all you vultures nice and satisfied. I'll be back next week with no doubt some more off beat news, more baseball analysis, and maybe even a few off color jokes that you can't say in urban areas or synagogues. Hey, that's how I get down..

Later pimps. Have a good weekend and be easy...

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Kansas Wins, Memphis Loses

Greetings again my friends. It's been another busy week for your favorite pimp, so instead of delaying any longer, I'll just get right down to business...




First and foremost I'd like to start off by thanking both Kansas and Memphis for single-handedly restoring my faith in the NCAA Tournament. In a March that lacked it's usual Gus Johnson screams, plethora of last second games and an emergence of a breakout star, the Memphis Tigers and Kansas Jayhawks provided a championship game that will make all the tourney's disappointments seem like mere footnotes in what turned out to be a great book.

After trading blows for nearly 37 minutes, it seemed like everything had fallen in place for coach John Calipari and his Conference USA champs. They led by 9, they had the ball, and super frosh Derrick Rose had already nailed an improbable bank shot that seemingly drove a stake through Kansas' heart. All that was left, was to hit the free throws that they'd been knocking down with regularity after all the pundits had labeled it as their fatal flaw. They were 12-14 at the line up til that point, and with a sound game plane of getting the right guys the ball, they shouldn't have any trouble making sure Chris Douglas-Roberts and Derrick Rose were the ones to take the foul shots that would give them the '08 title. Not only was the championship there for the taking, but it had been earned, and was there to be rewarded...



Cue, wheels falling off...

Joey Dorsey fouls out of the game on a stupid foul on the perimeter. Didn't look huge at the time since the game appeared all but over, but that bad judgment by Dorsey to commit the foul was just a sign of things to come...

Next Jayhawk Sherron Collins grabs a steal (one of 7 in the game by the KU back court), and converts it into a 3 on the other end. Oh, and speaking of 3's. At this point the earlier Hail Mary bank shot from Rose had been changed from a 3 to a 2, meaning Memphis only led by 5. It was blatant that he had both feet on the line, but Tiger fans can thank CBS mic man, Jim Nance, for pointing out to the officials during the commercial break that they'd gotten the call wrong. Not only do you have to love the fact that they allow and encourage the use of replay for 3's in college hoops, but you also have to love how Jim Nance has more pull than a Taiwanese happy ending. You think if Gus Johnson went and told the refs that they would have listened? "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! That was only a Twooooooooooo!!!". Yeah nice try Gus, but no cigar...

From here on out, with the Jayhawks now down 5, it was the free throw shooting and suspect coaching that would spell the end for Memphis. Having gone 12-14 from the line during the game, Memphis proceeded to go 1-6 to wrap it up, including 2 straight bricks from All-World scorer Chris Douglas-RobertSlavin. Rose rimmed one out, and despite some great hustle plays from Robert Dozier, the Tigers found themselves up only 3, with less than 11 seconds showing on the clock...

Mario Chalmers comes flying off a screen. Sets himself. Squares to the hoop. And the rest, as they say, is history. Derrick Rose had tried to bump Collins before he could get Chalmers the rock, but in a consistent move by the officials, they didn't see nearly enough contact to warrant a foul. Which brings me to 2 points. 1) The officiating in that game was straight up nasty. They let the kids play on the inside, and really only called fouls if the contact truly affected the outcome of the play. It was refreshing to see. 2) Calipari, knowing this, needed to tell his boys to make sure and straight up grab Kansas before they had any inkling of getting a shot off on that last possession. Hindsight nothing, cuz I was saying it at the time. Not nearly enough coaches employ that strategy when the time calls for it, yet in the aftermath it always seems like it would have been the prudent choice. I know Cal said he told his boys to foul, but unless he told them to make it blatant and make it hard, then I don't think he did his job up to par. If you wanna put it on Rose, that's fine by me too, but I'm putting this one squarely on Jonny Cal. It's fundamentals that will win and lose you games when the talent is balanced, and for Memphis, their lack of the basic physical and mental fundamental understandings of the game is what ultimately cost them the 2008 title...

I guess I have to thank them, since their inability to make even the most basic plays opened the door for an ending for the ages, and saved the worst tournament in years from becoming one of the biggest duds of all time. After those Final Four games, I thought I would have to take March Madness around back and give it the Ol Yeller treatment. But thanks to a blend of Kansas clutch, and Memphis meltdown, we'll all remember the 2008 NCAA Tournament as the one that that started with chalk, and ended with Hawk. It figured the only year I don't take them, Kansas actually cuts down the nets. But due to the entertainment value their win provided, I won't hold it against them. That is until I think they're ill next year, and have them losing in the Sweet 16! Oh!


Hey, at least I don't hold a grudge as long as some people I know...


Red Sox Update
Overall: 4-5

-I know as a Red Sox fan I'm supposed to be saying how after a 5-4 start there's now way this team can make the playoffs and win it all, but I'm gonna do that today. Haha Granted I might be thinking it, but Ii'm instead deciding to focus my Sox time this week discussing the events that occurred on the day of the home opener. Returning to Fenway Park for the first time in 18 years, maligned first baseman, Bill Buckner, tossed out the first pitch of the '08 home season to good buddy Dwight Evans, and received a rousing applause and a standing ovation. Sure he received a similar reception when he rejoined the Sox in 1990, but this was different. In '90, it was more like "Hey, we went a bit overboard, and we realize it wasn't ALL your fault" combined with "If we don't cheer for you, we're afraid you might off yourself. And we don't want that on our conscience". On Wednesday it was "Hey man don't sweat it, we got 2 rings now! And oh yea, turns out you were a pretty good player for us too, so good work on that". Whoever said winning cures all ills, was right on the money. After that ball went through his legs in '86, Buckner was driven from this state like the gays from...well...pretty much everywhere, right? I mean this guy was straight up chastised. Never mind that he shouldn't have been in the game. Never mind that the bullpen went Gagne on 'em. And never mind that there was still another game they could have won to get the title!! No. He let the ball go through his legs. It's all his fault. He needs to die. The tape of him misplaying that grounder played again and again, and Buckner the man came to be how people identified the Red Sox curse. So while he hasn't added a single hit to his more than 2,700, the fact that the curse has been "lifted", has opened the doors to forgiveness in the minds of Red Sox fans. After all, it's ALWAYS just about winning, no matter how loudly someone tries to tell you otherwise. So now, what once was looked upon as a stain in the Boston sports conscience, is looked at as a sign of why things were once so tough, and why we're now all that more deserving. It made us stronger, and we still persevered. Sad that it took destroying a man's like and credibility to do so, but that's all water under some sort of bridge...or at least through some one's legs...



-So while one curse went by the wayside, there may be a new curse developing at the Fens that might actually work in favor of the Sox. No, I'm not talking about Jerry Remy blowing Marb Red clouds into the faces of opposing batters, I'm talking about the Fenway Hawk. The Hawk first made an appearance last week when it attacked a young girl in a school tour group named, and I shit you not, Alexia Rodriguez. I guess he swooped near her and grazed her scalp, but she wasn't hurt that badly, so it was cool to laugh. The next appearance came on Tuesday at the home opener, where he flew across a large portion of the field with a freaking dead mouse in his mouth! It was money! I'm watching the game on TV, and as they panned away from the hawk, you could still see all the fans behind home plate ignoring the action on the field and instead choosing to gawk at the hawk! And I can't blame 'em. What I'm waiting for is the Sox front office to capitalize on this thing and make some etxtra dough. You know they're already printin' up some pink hawk shirts or bumper stickers with Remy's head on the hawks body. Hey, you know that shit'll sell so I can't say I blame 'em. What I'm waiting for is the day where Manny just holds out his arm, and the hawk flies down to him, lands on his arm, and rests on his shoulder for the entire inning while he pets it's head. Now that, would be impressive...


-And if you're thinkin' the Sox 4-5 start is a sign of bad things to come, calm yourself. I have concerns too, but they're nothing to get all fired up about. Besides, by this time next week, the ship will either have been righted, or we'll have a whole new batch of problems no discuss. So why waste my precious time right now?...


Diamonds...She'll Pretty Much Have To

-If it smells like crotch, and you feel like you can't move, it's because you jumped on the jock of the Toronto Blue Jays at the same time as the rest of the MLB free world. The Jays currently only sit at 4-4, but after impressive performances against both Boston and New York to open the season, both of those respective fan bases are thinking they may have underestimated the team from America's attic. Listen. They have talent. This much we knew. The only question when it came to Toronto is weather or not they'll be able to keep their guys healthy for a bulk of the regular season. Last time I checked, 8 games in isn't exactly proof that these guys are gonna stay healthy. Hey, if you didn't know how good they were, then I guess you were really impressed by their play. For the rest of us that actually know of what we speak, this is more than likely just the tease, that's going to followed by a heavy dose of mid-season DL reality. Enjoy it while it lasts, you Canadian bastards...


-The Jays aren't the only ones impressing early, either. Two teams I buried in my MLB preview, Baltimore, Kansas City and St. Louis, have also had impressive starts out of the gate. My theory withe these "over-achievers", is that right now they flat out don't know any better. They're so young they don't know they're supposed to be rolling over and losing every night. Trust me, I'd still put my money with a slow starting team like Detroit, but it's nice to see that at least for a month or two, the scrubs and bottom dwellers can get a few W's, and get their mugs on ESPN. Besides, that's the only way they're ever gonna get good, and be able to screw there small market club in free agency. Open market and no salary cap. Gotta love it...


-And if there was ever an example of "no publicity being bad publicity", it's noted author and cattle hormone ingestor, Jose Canseco. Upon the release of his new tell all book, Vindicated, Jose has been making all the usual rounds as far as talk shows and has had an unusual tactic when dealing with his interviews. In separate radio interviews I heard, the Sultan of the Syringe was always on the defensive, and if at any time his character was questioned, he insulted the host and hung up the phone. Classic. I think at this point even Jose knows that he used up all his credibility in the first book, and is now just grasping for dollars. I mean he comes on a show, probably just long enough to collect his appearance fee, and the second he's being questioned himself, he makes like a 5 year old and takes his toys crying home to his mom. Listen...Joe...If you're gonna try and make at living at dragging people's names through the mud and extorting them for cakes, then you're gonna have to get some thicker skin. No, not tanner skin...thicker skin. You obviously have an agenda against A-Rod, and say as much in the book, so why is it so difficult to admit that when your asked point blank? You say it's not about you, that it's just about what you know, but at this point all you seem to know, is that you want to tarnish a lot of people's reputations whether they cheated or not. Maybe it's our fault as the fans for letting you garner all this power to begin with, but I know it won't be our fault if you don't self destruct, crash and burn into a million little leatherized roid filled pieces. The path you've been heading down a while is gonna lead you to money-grubbing freak status, it just seems like with your latest press tour, that "path" has become a freakin' Auduban...


News and Notes


-In case you've missed it, CBS and ESPN seem to think that Jesus Christ is about to return to Earth and explain to all of us the meaning of life. Well, either that or the Masters is starting up this week. I love the chase for the green jacket as much as the next guy, but that melodic music combined with Jim Nance's voice just makes me think I should be swallowing a bunch of anti freeze and ascending to a magical spaceship in the sky. I get it. It's a tradition unlike any other. What I wanna see, is Tiger ripping that tradition right off Mickelson's back, and spanking that fat Ford slanger up and down the Augusta National fairways. Tradition or not. I tune in for one reason and one reason only. OK two reasons. First and foremost it's to watch Tiger freaking Woods mop the floor with the entire field, beating them as if they'd just surrendered to the US Military. Secondly, it's in case John Daly shows up wasted, whether to play golf or not, and makes a complete ass of himself. Hey, I know it's sad to root for a guy's demise like that, but I can't help it. I'm human after all, and I sure as Hell can spot funny when I see it. Fat dudes all liquored, smokin' butts, and launchin' 400 yard Scuds? That's just too funny to resist. So make no mistake, ESPN and CBS, I'll be watching this so called "tradition", but I'll be watching it for all the wrong reasons! So take, THAT!....


-Word out of a Kansas prison says that Mikey Vick has been playing full squad flag football games with his fellow inmates....wait...or has he? Falcons owner Arthur Blank said Vick was playing QB for both sides in the prison league, but prison officials say they're season hasn't even started yet. Ohhhh. You know what. I think Blank was just a little confused. He saw that prison football movie with The Rock on HBO the other day, and thought he saw Vick in the background. Honest mistake, Art. I was watchin' TV the other day, and I cudda swore I saw Charlton Heston attempting to free all the Jews. Turns out...he's dead. So I was mistaken. See, man. TV is tricky, and we can all make mistakes...



-I asked last week if there was anything funnier than the Olympics, and thanks to the Olympics themselves, I actually found an answer. The Olympic Torch relay. I mean is this thing funny, or is it just me? I mean it seems like I can't turn on the TV for 5 seconds lately without seeing some young girl, or some guy in a track suit, carrying the Olympic torch, and getting mugged by a huge crowd of protesters. It's like "she's running, she's waiving, she's smiling.....uhhh!!...she's down....and the flame is out". Forget the fact there are like 50 of these torches makin' the rounds, too. When this torch hits the ground, it's as if the freaking Pope has been shot. People tossin' bows and tackling protesters as if the whole World's fate depended on the resilience of this glorified witch hunting tool. Seriously, people. Give it up. I mean what did you expect? The only people that give a damn about your event and your stupid torch, are stupid track and field fans that are nothing short of political fanatics. They like them some government over throwin', and they like them some baton transfers and Fosbury flops. Combine a Communist host country with w bunch of radicals, and this was bound to be what you got. I guess it's a plus though as far as ratings. Personally, I was only gonna tune in going in and out of commercials to hear the wonderfully melodic theme song. Now I guess I have to stay tuned to see which noble Frenchman or former KGB member is gonna try and bomb the Beijing Olympics back into the stone age with a backpack full of C4. Hey, maybe I'm wrong for tuning in for that reason, but I'm telling you just wait. Sure my morals may be off kilter, but I know must see TV when I see it. And thanks to all the attacks on the torch, the Olympics might actually be worth watching, just to see which country REALLY wins...


-And speaking of hysterically idiotic things that only Europeans and retards care about, the NHL playoffs are upon us. Oh, excuse me. The "Stanley Cup" playoffs are upon us. All I know, is the Bruins are in 8th and they're playing the Canadiens for what seems like the millionth time in a row. I know it's not like the B's are often IN the playoffs, but it seems every time they are it's the Habs that end up giving them the boot. Matter of fact, if memory serves, it was the 8th seeded Canadiens that did in Boston the last time they were #1 in the East. Couldn't tell ya what year that was if you offered me a delicious plate of BBQ, but I'm pretty sure it happened. I couldn't tell you how they're gonna do this time around because I don't watch and I don't care. All I know, is that when this thing is done, a bunch of guys that never shave and never bathe are going to be drinking high alcohol content beer out of a trophy that's no doubt been used to was a teammates genitals. Hey, who are you kidding. You know you'd be dippin' your junk in there and gettin' your clean on, so I don't wanna hear any different. And if it isn't what you were thinkin', then just know that the NHL is so pointless, and so irrelevant, that me dipping my junk into the actual "Cup" is actually a fairly accurate representation of how most of this country feels about it. Until the actual Mighty Ducks...you know, the kids from the movie...form the V and take that thing home, I don't wanna be bothered...


-From the "I can't wait till some reality TV exec gets his hands on this bad boy" department, there's Craftsman Series truck driver, Aaron Fike. In an ESPN the Magazine story, Fike admits to shooting up heroin before races, yet was never suspected to be a drug user, and never even tested for drugs by NASCAR. Whoa! First off, shame on you NASCAR. In a country where drunken driving is viewed as homicide, we're not even seeing if these guys are chemically stable enough to get behind these 200 mph rocket ships? I mean come on! Heroin! This guy was shooting heroin and driving around like a stoner would smoke a blunt and eat an entire bag of Funions and a large cheese pizza! I mean I'm all for gettin' ur kicks, but that's really not chill for all the other drivers out there on the track, is it? For all I know Jeff Gordon is strung out on Prozac while Dale Jr. is shootin Meth between his toes, but until I get some facts to back me up, that's just a little large of a leap to take. You're already basically drug testing your cars for enhancement purposes, so I don't think it's too much to ask that your driver's are sober enough to 3 point turn. I know nobody "tested yer pappy when he was runnin' shine thru dem Smokey Mountians", but that's the way the world works now, and it's time you 'backy spittin hicks got with the program. Remember. Drugs are cool. Even the ones you can make in your shed. But car accidents are bad. Especially the ones you make at 200 miles an hour...


-To finish up this week, I figured I'd leave you with a few delicious videos that will hopefully make you chuckle.


I'm not sure if it's the brilliance of the creepy Steve Buscemi-esque actor, or just the great comic timing, but I just love that freaking commercial. It came back recently, and while I'm not sure why, I'm glad it's back on TV. And while I;m sure many of you have seen this next clip, I wouldn't feel right if I didn't put it up here. I have no idea how many months ago I first saw this, but I know I just stopped hysterically laughing from it about 10 minutes ago. Get back in there, little mouth!...



Ahhh it's always good to end with a laugh. I'll be back next week, probably around the same time, with a lot of NFL draf stuff, some more baseball notes, and a look at the Celts as they head towards the playoffs. Until then, try not to upset any sexually-confused aliens, and try to steer clear of the Olympic torch relay. Shit's dangerous, son...