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Friday, October 03, 2008

NFL Week 5 Picks

Greetings, pimps...

It's not often during any week of the NFL season that another sport will trump the action the mighty League has to offer. But alas, we've come to such a crossroads. While the Pats leap back into the fold this week, it's the Sox the take center stage for the time being as they too do battle on the West Coast...



Well Game 1 couldn't have gone any smoother. Lester was the ace we needed him to be. The bullpen held up nicely. And Jason Bay was even able to start building his own post season legacy, while constantly being compared to a certain nappy-dredded man now residing on the Left Coast. Beautiful. They stole homefield advantage, which is always nice. And still get to throw Josh Beckett once in the next 3 days, which would have been the case had he been healthy. So that begs the question. Is Lester the new Beckett? And 2, if he is, is that enough for the Sox to make it 2 World Series titles in a row?

Trying to answer that question after just one start would be a little foolish, but if Dice K can answer the call in Game 2, then we might have a little better set up than originally thought. But that's Game 2, and we all know how a series can change from game to game. So instead of trying to predict the future when it's a mere hours in front of me, I'm just gonna sit back 'n watch...

Besides, criticizing and analyzing is a lot easier than trying to predict...


Uhhhhhhhhh, I mean predictin' shit is easy! And fun!!...

Here are my picks for week 5 of the NFL season...

Week 5 Picks
New England Patriots (-3) @ San Fransisco 49ers

It's like some sort of pink-hat magic trick, I swear to God. When the Patriots season opened, it became almost like the Sox didn't exist. Then Tom Brady goes down, and the focus on the team becomes even more intent, everyone watching to see what could possibly happen next. But now, with expectations and morale susbstantially lowered and the Sox making a run at the Series, it's almost as if the Pats have disappeared almost just as rapidly as they arrived...

I mean think about it. I know it was the bye week, so the buzz around the team was a little low to begin with. But after the Dolphins came to town and stomped out the post-Brady illusions that a lot of people were having, it seems blatant to me that a "Nation's" collective sports hopes now move squarely back on the shoulders of the Boston Red Sox. The Pats are out, and the Sox are in. And I think this week's game against the Niners will go a long way towards proving whether I'm right, and the fans are disinterested. Or that I'm wrong, and we all just had the bye week blues. I say it's a gut check for the pink hats. We'll see if I'm jumpin' the gun...

To breakdown the game itself, it's like this. There's no one I like more coming off a bye week than Bill Belichick, and there's no one I'd rather he be going against more than Mike Martz. Granted the "Mad Genius" is only the Niers Offensive Co-Ordinator, but seeing as offense is the only way San Fran can hurt the Pats, then I'd say it's basically all the same. That being the case, I'll assume Billy Boy will be in Martz's head much like he used to be in Peyton's back in the day, and SF QB JT O'Sullivan won't stand a chance...

The Patriots defense will again announce their presence with authority, and a little faith will be restored in a once rattled Patriot Nation. Whether it's enough to re focus the fan base, well that's somethin' that will take a little longer to figure out...


Chicago Bears (-3.5) @ Detroit Lions

To be blunt, I have two prominent reasons as to why I'm picking the Bears.

1) Thanks to Brett Favre's bye this week, I'm starting Kyle Orton on my fantasy team. Yeah, I can't believe it either, but he actually hasn't been all that bad. Besides, I picked him up almost 90% based on the fact I knew he'd be playing the Lions this week, so I figure I better stick with my guns. I'm even tempted to start Devin Hester too. The perfect bootleg version of Favre to Cotchery if I do say so myself...

2) Detroit sucks. Good looks by firing Matt Millen. Bad looks by doing it about a decade too late. You may have fixed a problem that could save you in the long term, but it ain't gonna do shit for you in the short run...

And hey, Jon Kitna. Jesus doesn't send guys he likes to Detroit. And he certainly doesn't throw them behind an offensive line built ouf on Lincoln Logs. Take a hint, bro. The gig is up...


Dallas Cowboys (-9) vs Cincinnati Bengals

Well Ocho Cinco done gone up 'n did it. Just days before his 0-4 Bengals are set to host the Dallas Cowboys, the infamous lip smacker said he again wants out of Cincy, this time asking that he be traded to Dallas. Why Dallas, you ask? Well to team up with TO, of course. Johnson says that if he went to Dallas, the team would have to cease playing on regular TV, and start playing all their games on Pay Per View. Riiiiiight...

Either way, I expect Ocho to lay down this week to TO and the boys, and for the Cowboys to roll them up like an extra wide Zig Zag. Take a page from TO's playbook, Ocho Cinco. You can yap all you want when your team is doing well, and people will listen. But when your team is beat, and you keep bumpin' your gums? Well that's when you come off looking like a whiny, spoiled little prick. Which is exactly what you're lookin' like right now, and it will be exactly what you sound like in the locker room after this epic beat down...


New York Giants (-6.5) vs Seattle Seahawks

Plaxico Burress or no Plaxico Burress, that doesn't change the fact that the Seahawks are awful. Even if they were at home and getting nearly a touchdown I'd still take the Giants...

Not like he needs it, but this week will serve as yet another chance for QB Eli Manning to shove it in the face of all his critics. He might not be an MVP candidate or anything, but giving all the credit to the defense has got to stop. They're good, and they're the main reason the Giants win, but Eli's more than just a working piece of their machine. Look for him to come up big to guys like Kevin Boss, Amani Toomer and Steve Smith, and look for the G-Men to cruise their way to 4-0 with a disgruntled Plax looking on from the sidelines...

And props to Tom Coughlin. If the rumors are true, and Plax has been fined 40-50 times since coming to NY, then the head coach has done a great job of keeping all that shit in house. Especially in the Big Apple...


Indianapolis Colts (-3) @ Houston Texans

On the road or not. If the Colts can't beat the Texans by at least 3 points this week, then they might as well just throw in the towel right here and now. It doesn't mean they're season is over or anything , but it just means I'll be done pickin' 'em. Houston is 0-3, 18th overall in offense, and 25h overall in defense. I thought they'd be a lot better when the season began, and I'm not sure what role Hurricane Ike played in their demise, but this team is as good as 0-4...


Buffalo Bills (-3) @ Arizona Cardinals

Lane Kiffin-OUT! Buffalo Bills-IN! I rode Lane and the Raiders until Al Davis finally booted him, but now I've hitched my star firmly to the bandwagon of the Buffalo Bills. They've won for me 3 weeks in a row now, and I'm not about to quit on them with such a small spread against the Arizona Cardinals. If there's a "lock of week", it'd be this one. Dick Jauron may no longer "have it goin' on", but the Bills are quickly becoming this year's most surprising story, and are looking to stay strong and become 2008's most unlikely division champion...


Oh and if you thought I was just gonna gloss over that whole Al Davis fiasco you were sadly mistaken. Dude is a flat out whack job, and his instant-classic of a press conference is one I'm sure the beer industry won't soon be letting us forget. If you haven't seen it, then I don't know what to say. It's like a great work of art. Any words I could use to describe it just wouldn't do it justice. You need to check it out for yourself, and bask in all it's geriatric mind spazzing hilarity...

So dude is nuts, right? I mean between his constant scathing of the name "Mortensen!", his throw back use of the overhead projector, and his insistence that he had just cause in firing that "LIAR!", Lane Kiffin, Davis only vindicated the public's view of him as an obsessed, diaper soiling old man that just refuses to let his team go. And that whole "letter" that he claims to have sent to Lane a few weeks ago where he expressed his disapproval? Hell I've seen reality TV episodes that didn't come off as fake as that. I mean is he seriously trying to convince us that, even though he was "talking to Lane on a regular basis", he needed to send him a letter voicing his concerns through FedEx?!? Come on, pops. Just because you live in a world where you word is gold, doesn't mean the rest of us are drinkin' that same peyote laced Ensure that your swillin'...

It's great. I knew this thing was gonna end with a bang, I just had no idea it could be this good. Davis blows up, makes up reasons not to pay Kiffin, and in one fell swoop became the Silver & Black reincarnation of former Cincinnati Reds biggoted owner, Marge Schott. Just another crazy 'ole coot, thinking the rest of the world has gone crazy when it's obvious to the rest of us that he's completely out of touch. Only difference I can spot between the two, is that so far Al hasn't revealed himself to be a disgusting racist. Maybe that makes him more like a George Steinbrenner type, but seeing as I wanted to put a picture of shriveled Marge Schott up here, my comparisons stands...

Now the page turns to the search for the next Oakland head coach. It's a job that's been held by like 25 dudes over the last 5 seasons, and I can guarantee that at the rate Big Al is going, that the revolving door will continue until he's a solid 6 feet underground. Let's just pray he doesn't have his own little "Hank Steinbrenner" relative type protege waiting in the wings. Shit doesn't need to get any uglier than it already is...

MORTENSEN!!...



If you're still itchin', or you just had plans to throw your action on a game I didn't pick, here ya go. I don't have much in the way of analysis this week, but if you're looking for some sort of reassurance, fear not. I've been on fire with my picks of late, and I'm even runnin' hot in the MLB playoffs. I got all 4 teams that are currently leading their respective series, so I figure pickin' a few NFL games right shouldn't be no thang. You be the judge...


Miami Dolphins (+8) vs San Diego Chargers

Tennessee Titans (-3) @ Baltimore Ravens

Carolina Panthers (-9) vs Kansas City Chiefs

Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5) vs Washington Redskins

Denver Broncos (-2.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Jacksonville Jaguars (-4) vs Pittsburgh Steelers

Green Bay Packers (-4) vs Atlanta Falcons



Monday Night
New Orleans Saints (-3) vs Minnesota Vikings

Some games just stick with ya. And one that's always stuck with me, is the reason I'm taking the Saints. It was the 1st game back in the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina, and the Saints were pegged as I think 5 point "dogs" to one Mikey Vick and the Atlanta Falcons. I picked the Dirty Birds, and had to sit and watch as the energy in the Superdome alone catapulted the Saints to the impressive victory. Granted that was a homecoming, so the energy probably won't be as great this time, but it's not changing my strategy. I just have bad karma picking against the Saints on Monday Night, so this time I'm goin' with 'em...

...doesn't hurt that I have half the NO roster on my fantasy team either. Robert Meachem WHAT!?!



Last Week: 10-3-0

Overall: 33-25-0 (.583)

Top Picks: 13-7-0 (.650)

Pretty standard stuff this week with my college picks. I'm still a big fan of siding with any home team when the talent level is fairly equal, and I'm still a big fan of siding with most of the top ranked teams despite last week's massive shake up. Even better, I've been using my strategy of "thinking as little as possible" while making my picks, and it's helped me to stop overusing this large organ of mine. Ya know, the huge one that all the ladies are always talkin' about. You can mull that over for a while as you dine on my picks. Check 'em out...


NCAA Top 25 Picks
(1) Oklahoma (-26) @ Baylor

(2) Alabama (-16.5) vs Kentucky

(4) Missouri (-10) @ Nebraska

(5) Texas (-13) @ Colorado

Purdue (+14.5) vs (6) Penn St.

Kansas St. (+7.5) vs (7) Texas Tech

(8) BYU (-29) @ Utah St.

(23) Oregon (+15.6) @ (9) USC

(12) Florida (-24.5) @ Arkansas

(19) Vanderbilt (+4) vs (13) Auburn

(18) Wisonsin (+1.5) vs (14) Ohio St.

(16) Kansas (-12) @ Iowa St.

(20) Virginia Tech (-28) vs Western Kentucky

(21) Oklahoma St. (-25) vs Texas A&M

(22) Fresno St. (-22) vs Hawaii

North Carolina (-7) vs (24) UCONN


Last Week: 9-6-0

Overall: 56-32-2 (.633)


So there ya have it. My latest strokes of genius, laid out, and delivered to you speedily courtesy of the Al Gore Super Information Network. I took a great deal of time making my picks and Al spent a great deal of time getting you the info, so make sure you appreciate it!

I'll be back next week after I digest another week of football, another few games in the MLB playoffs, and an extra large, peyote laced Ensure. Goes down smooth, baby...

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