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Friday, July 11, 2008

Hookers 'N Blow, Man...Hookers 'N Blow

Greetings, pimp cocktails. I may be a day late, but rest assured I'm far from a dollar short with this week's pot-shots and spot on analysis. We got some pre All Star break trades to take a look at, a few big moves in the NBA free agent market, rampant back-woods drug use, and of course, all things having to do with eating hot dogs, and how shameless hookers can help your team win a World Series Title. Read on, homies...Read on...


Naturally, I'll start with the surging Sox. A week ago, heads were ready to roll in the Bean, but for all the wrong reasons. Now that the boys are headed back towards the top of the AL East, pink hats and real fans alike have slightly raised their palms above the every ready panic button, but should they feel safe? Not if a few of these trends are a sign of things to come over the long grind that is summer time in the MLB...


Red Sox Update


Overall: 55-39, 2nd in AL East by 1.5 games

-Everyone has been eager of late to point to Jason Varitek and Julio Lugo as the cause of te Sox recent offensive decline, but I have a few others that might actually be the cause of some of latest struggles. Observe...

*Manny Ramirez, while hot lately, has just 2 home runs since June 10th. He's the straw that stirs the drink in the Boston lineup, and if he's not on his game, you start to ask too much from the supporting cast...

*Jacboy Ellsbury, who can do no wrong in PHN (Pink Hat Nation), has a stellar on base percentage of .271 since the start of June. Yeah, that was sarcasm...

I know Lugo sucks, and while many of us criticized the move at the time, it's now just become too much of a salary issue to do anything about. We're stuck with him until we can Renteria his ass, and that's about as likely to happen at this year's trading deadline as it is that Kobe actually tells us how Shaq's asshole tastes. In either instance, I wouldn't recommend holding your breath...

-Now what's funny is all this talk about the Sox possibly bringing in Barry Bonds to replace David Ortiz for the rest of the season. I'm already on the record as saying I would denounce my fan-ship, which I will, but rather than fear the worst, I'm looking at this with a bit of strategic intrigue. Call me optimistic or a flat out conspiracy theorist, but I think Theo and the boys may have floated the rumor out there themselves just to take some heat off the actual team on the field. Sounds crazy, but the rumor did directly preceed the Sox 3 game sweep of the Twins that's now found them only 1.5 games back of the suddenly slumping Rays...


Diamonds...She'll Pretty Much Have To
-So far, the big splash before the MLB trading deadline was the deal that sent CC Sabathia from Cleveland to Milwaukee for highly touted AA slugger, Matt LaPorta (LaPorta, by the way, was drafted by the Sox just a few years agao, but chose to attend the University of Florida instead). Now, color me a tard if you must, but I just don't get this deal, from either side really. Breakdown...

*Cleveland sucks this year, that I get. But do the Indians look like a team that's going to continue to be awful in the near future? They've been ravaged by injuries to Fausto Carmona and Victor Martinez, while at the same time suffering through what appears to be a big time off year from powerful lefty, Travis Hafner. Long story short, even while CC's in the midst of a bad year, and is due a big payday when the season ends, this team is way too young and talented to decide and "rebuild" even before the All Star break. Should they happen to re-sign CC when free agency hits they'll look like geniuses, but that would look awfully shady and seems just as unlikely...

*As for Milwaukee, this one's easy. You're not gonna win shit this year, and you have as good a shot at re-signing the hefty lefty as airport customs officials have of discovering the 6 key's of smack Serena Williams is smuggling in her hind quarters...

Oh and just a note: I said before the year began that the Brew Crew would make a big move to help them contend, so I got that goin' for me...which is nice...

-A deal that might be just as risky, but makes more sense to me, is the Chicago Cubs deal for the A's Rich Harden. Harden's injury history (4 major DL stints in the last 4 years) makes David Jonathan Drew look like Lou freaking Gherig, and the Cubs didn't need to give up nearly as much as the Brew Crew in return. And yeah, as much as it pains me to say, the Cubs actually do have a legit shot at winning...



-Candice Houlihan is a hooker and a Red Sox fan. More importantly, she makes no bones (pun intended, as usual) about either one. In a recent chat with various media outlets, Houlihan admitted/gushed about how she and A's-Rod had quite the rompous time in 2004 during the epic ALCS collapse. She admitted to feeling bad afterwards, seeing as Alex had a wife 'n all, but also added that if what she did helped the Sox win the World Series, then it was all worth it. Way to look at the big picture, Candy. Just too bad for your soon to be drug addicted kids that you hadn't looked at the same big picture about 5-10 years ago. Ya know, before you started selling your body for loots and/or gift certificates to Lechmere and Caldor...

-And while the term "pink hat" has come into vogue up here in the New England area, I've coined a phrase to help personify those same fans that may happen to route for a certain team in pin stripes. "Staches"...as in moustache. That's right, those same Yankee fans that claim to hold themselves to such a high baseball standard have now become victim of the very bandwagon mentality they've always claimed to resist. With admitted liar and cheater, Jason Giambi, having a great year and making a push for the All Star team, 25,000 Yankee fans showed up in the Bronx on Wednesday to receive, and proudly wear, their free Jason Giambi like moustache. Now, let's forget how hanus the thing looks on the dude (paging, to catch a Predator), and instead focus on how embarrassing those so-called "righteous" fans are making themselves look. I know they've never made any bones about buying the best team money can buy, but this is just too much. I mean the guy's on record for making the worst apology of all time, he sports the worst lip apparel in the history of the world, and yet you fools come out in droves to support him? Just embarassing man. And if George Steinbrenner were actually dead like many of us have mock-wished for decades, he'd be spinning in what no doubt would be a coffin line with money, and covered in pin stripes...and his ghost would be spanking Hank's ass, and enjoying it way too much...


News and Notes
-Mark this date down, because it's not often that Sports Illustrated and I agree on anything. But with their latest issue calling the Federer/Nadal Wimbledon final the best tennis match ever, I might have to rethink my staunch opposition to almost everything SI. But for real, that was not only the best tennis match I've ever seen (and yes, I've seen a shatload), but it is definitely one of the top 20 sporting events I've ever witnessed in my life, TV or LIVE. These two titans of tennis matched wits and skill for 5 grueling sets, outdoing each other time and again with dazzling shotmaking, and clutch point after clutch point. Rafa had Roger on the ropes, not once, not twice, but 3 times, and the 5 time Wimbledon champ kept on coming. The most impressive of these comebacks came in the 4th set tiebreak. In a quest to reach 7 points first, Rafa held a 5-2 lead, with two serves to help close out the title. What happened next brought back memories of Sampras and Aggasi, but delivered oh so much more. "The Fed" fought back, taking the next 3 points, and eventually the set, while trading baseline blast for baseline blast with the lefty from the Spanish island of Mallorca. In the end, Nadal reigned supreme, and even though I had been rooting for Roger, I couldn't help but stand up and applause. Sure it looked weird, because I was alone in my house and half naked, but such drama and such entertainment shouldn't go unappreciated. Truth is, while I thought all this time that I had been watching the greatest tennis player of all time in the prime of his career, this Wimbledon proved we all may have had the wrong guy in the rivalry pegged as the best to ever pick up a raquet. The drama was great, the atmosphere surreal, and the outcome everything anyone could have asked for. Well done, gents, well done...

-So Brett Favre sent a text to Packer GM Ted Thompson letting him know he wanted to talk. Oh wait, I did this last week. Get out of my life, Favre! Suck down a couple Xany's with a bottle of washer fluid and be done with it already...that reminds me, I need washer fluid...and Xany's for that matter...

-Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley did battle this week during the NBA Summer League's opening night, and round one went to Bease Nuts. And seeing as he's the far superior player, I'd imagine the next 100 or so rounds are gonna go his way too. Hey, I'm just sayin'. I'll be right (again), and you'll on be back on Deez nuts soon enough...

-41-year old Dara Torres qualified for the US Olympic swim team this week, and was immediately put on the spot by ESPN.com's SportsNation. A mere hours after the Olympian clinched a spot on her 5th US Olypmic team, this question was posed to the many perusing the World Wide Leaders website. "Does Torres making the Olympics at 41 make you suspicious she's been using steroids?" The vote at the time was 71-29 saying they didn't think she was a user, but what does that even mean?!? Unlike notable rodiers like Bonds or Giambi, who can seriously say they know a single thing about this old broad in a bathing suit well enough to make a snap character judegment? Hell, we don't even really know Giambi and Bonds that well, but at least we have a little info and past history on which to make a decision! Shame on you, ESPN. Just because you have space to fill on your multitude of media outlets, doesn't mean you should just accusing everyone who succeeds of roiding up! Besides, you figure with the Tour de Lanceless goin' on right now, they'd have plenty of C level athletes to finger as cheaters and drug users, wouldn't you?...



-Jacksonville Jaguar Matt Jones was arrested this week when Arkansas po-nines caught the former Razorback player cutting up a white substance that Matty later confirmed as cocaine. You may remember Matt as the white QB that scouts thought had the skill set of a black WR, but he'll now just be remembered as the guy that never panned out, and decided to do a bunch of back-woods blow instead. See, you learn somethin' new everyday. I thought losers in Arkansas only did meth and drank moonshine....and then they're supposed to beat up their wives, not sit in a car in the wee hours choppin' up drugs with a credit card. That's for city kids, Matt...



-And just to make it 3 straight drug stories (3's are good, or so I've been told), I give you former Florida Gator PG, Teddy Dupay. You may remember him from the National runner up team of 2000, but I prefer to call him the ex backup to the one and only Jason "White Chocolate" Williams. Sure he might not be the Jason Williams that murdered his butler or crashed his motorcycle, but apparently he's quite the role model both on and off the court. Dupay, who was booted from the Gators in '02 after allegedly asking another student to take betting action for him, now finds himself facing kidnapping, assault and rape charges due to a recent scuffle with his one time girlfriend. Ahhh, Teddy. Just one of the good 'ole boys...and yes, that is still one of my favorite commercials of all time, despite the fact I know it was filmed mostly in the cesspool known as West Virginia...

(and yes, I was channeling TRoy McClure when I wrote those last 2 little diddies. You may remember him from Man vs Nature: The Road to Victory! or maybe even McBain IV: Fatal Disharge...oddly enough that was the same title that was going to be used for the )

-Joey Chestnut did America proud last weekend in a match up with Takeru Kobayashi that did it's best to match the hype of the Federer/Nadal Wimbeldon Final. Winning in a 5 dog eat off after a tie in regulation, the World's #1 gurgitator did just enough to best the former hot dog king, and send his ass back to his nuke riddled home. A little harsh, perhaps, but I'm basically insulted by how little those guys respect the deliciousness of the heavenly Nathan's hot dog. It's like this. The Jews have pigs, the Hindu's have cows and I have Nathan's hot dogs. Sure it might be the exact opposite principle seeing as I love to eat them, but I think it really speaks to the high regard in which I hold the totally tubular summertime treat. Either way, that shit sure was fun to watch, and I can't wait for the highly anticipated round III next year, when Chestnut will have to result to shoving those bad boys up his nose in order to break his own record. Again, I know it's insulting to the dog, but the crater in his colon will serve as sweet, succulent justice...

-Oh, and if you plan on seeing Will Smith's Hancock any time in the near future, allow me to save you the loots. The action gets a B-, the acting gets a B-, and the M. Night Sha-na-na-esque twist at the end gets a big, fat F. I'd be well within my rites to ruin it for you, but seeing as I'm such a nice guy, I'll just let you waste the money and realize what I've known for quite some time. When it comes to movies, I'm always right, and the rest of you just take a little longer to come around. Hence that movie being #1 in the World right now...



...on a positive note, I can't wait to see Gary Busey's latest, Hellboy II...looks like a winner!

Well that's it for me this week, friends. Hope you have a great weekend, and to get it kicked off, here's a song by a gay guy... http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=35436912

Enjoy

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