Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Snatchural: From Grand Slams to Slam Pigs...

Greetings and salutations friends. After taking last week to focus on just Tiger and the Celts, I've returned back to form. I got some Sox news for ya, some NBA draft shit, and of course the latest news on all things relating to sodomy, steroids, and how Stuart Scott reminds me of the rectal anatomy...

Red Sox Update
Overall: 49-32, 1st by 1 game

-While it seems the Sox can't catch a break these days when it comes to injuries and weather (4 of last 6 games affected by rain), it hasn't seem to stopped them from winning games. And thats always a good thing. With the first half of the '08 season in the books, and Big Papi just a few weeks away from returning to the lineup (fingers crossed), there are a lot unexpected positive developments that should have every Sox fan anxiously anticipating a deep run into this year's post season...

-Doesn't hurt that when the roster seems to be getting a little thin, guys like Justin Masterson and Chris Smith step up and seize their opportunity. We know what Masterson has done, but Smith has been impressive of late as well. He picked up his first Major League win this week, and is 1-0 with a 1.50 ERA, 4 K's and just 1 walk in the 6 innings he's pitched. Just something to keep in mind next time you feel like trading away pitching to get a mediocre bat at the trading deadline. Pitching depth is the best weapon a team can have, and at least right now, it seems the Sox have that young pitchign in abundance...

-Speaking of, Jon Lester was once viewed as a great prospect, but may have already arrived as the talented, top of the rotation lefty we were all promised. Once a start-to-start anomoly, Lester has become so consistent you could argue he's currently the ace of the staff. In the last month, Lester is 3-0 with a 2.20 ERA and 30 K's in a shade over 32 innings. As impressive as that is, look for Theo and Tito to give Jon some rest before the stretch run. With 103 innings pitched in '08, he's on pace to top the 200 inning mark. Granted that should be expected of one of your better starters, but not of a guy that had only pitched 145 innings total coming into the '08 season. Gotta keep those guys fresh, man...

-In a recent poll, MLB players ranked both Derek Jeter and Kevin Youkilis as the two most overrated players in the game. With Jeter, it's obviously jealousy, as the guy has the rings and the stats to back up all the praise he gets. And in a poll involving the same players, asking who you would pick to start a team, Jeter finished in the top 3. So, like I said, it reaks of jealousy. With Youk, I have to admit that assessment sounds rather spot on. Or at the very least, well deserved. As I've mentioned here before, Youk rubs basically every baseball purist the wrong way. I'm not exactly hating on the dude, but the way he acts after making any out is bound to get opposing players pissed, and this is just a way for them to voice their frustration. Personally, I would have voted for Miguel Cabrera or Travis Hafner, but all those votes for Youk should let Sox fans know how the rest of the league views their "Greek God of Walks"...Most underrated? I'd have to throw my support behind either San Diego 1B Adrian Gonzalez, Pittsburgh C/1B Ryan Doumit, or possibly Chicago White Sox veteran OF Jermaine Dye...

-And just a little heads up. If you're looking for the Sox to get your weekend off to a great start on Friday, I wouldn't hold your breath. Despite being 49-32 and atop the AL East, the Red guys are only 4-8 on Friday's, including losses in their last 3. Yea I was too busy drinking to notice too. 8 beers deep, and they all look like wins. If only the weekend could start on Tuesday, where the good guys are a stellar 11-2. Eh, maybe it's just a sign that we should all start drinkin' on Tuesday. A strategy that I'm all for by the way...

Diamonds...She'll Pretty Much Have To
-Hell, pretty much have to? How about, wants to! The picture above is of Alabama special needs teacher, Julie Pritchett. Or should I say, former, special needs teacher Julie Pritchett. I say former, because the woman, who appears to be the bastard child of Peter Griffin, Shelley Smith and Patriots center Dan Koppen, has been fired for having sex with members of the schools baseball team. And not just one, mind you, but 8! She now faces up to 20 years in prison for sodomy, and a lifetime of living down this myriad of hilarious nicknames, courtesy of the fellow basement dwellers at

"The Snatchural"



"Field of Creams"

"A Beav of Their Own"

"Eight Men In"

and of course

"Innings Eater"

Hilarious. And allow me to add another hysterical, yet oddly appropriate nickname that she might hear in the not too distant future....."Alyssa Milano". She's up to 8 MLBers by now, and she used to be jail bait! Ha! But seriously, all I could think about when reading those nicknames was in Field of Dreams, when Kevin Costner described Shoeless Joe's glove as the place "triples went to die". Julie Pritchett's vag, is where frozen ropes go to LIVE baby! Tag that mound boys!!

...oh, and "The Snatchural" is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life...

-Ben Sheets told the Brewers on Wednesday that he will opt out of his deal at the end of the year and test the free agency market. The oft injured righty is 9-1 this year, but hasn't made more than 22 starts in a season since 2004. No matter. He's got the talent, and the Yankees have an open spot in their rotation. Translation? Cha-CHING!!! Welcome to the Bronx, Benji, and say hi to Carl Pavano for me...

-And speakin' of funny shit that takes you back to high school, Cito Gaston is back coaching the Toronto Blue Jays. And in this case, when I say "high school", I obviously mean "elementary school". And by Cito Gaston, I mean Cito Suave. Paging Joe Carter and Kelly Gruber...

News and Notes

-Probably one of the funniest stories to surface in quite some time is the recent revival of the Kobe Bryant/Shaquille O'Neal feud. Now I've always been a full fledged member of "Team Deisel", and if anything, this latest incident has motivated me to start paying Team dues. How freaking hysterical. Not only is the rap Shaw performed at a New York night club thsi week hilarious and obscene, but it has all the catchiness of the latest sugary-teen-pop hit that keeps the tune in your head all day long. Like one minute your gettin' some work done on your computer, and the next you find yourself bobbing your head, and asking Kobe how Shaq's asshole tastes. Was it offensive and/ or out of line? Perhaps. But seeing as Kobe is a douche, and Shaq is the always entertaining Wilt Chaimberneezy, then there's really only one way this thing can go. Rap on Diesel, rap on...

-While we're on the NBA, I have a few thoughts on tonite's NBA draft. And instead of trying to eloquently weave all my thoughts into a few concise paragraphs, I've decided to cheat, and give you my opinions in list form. Peep it...

*Memphis PG Derrick Rose seems to be the consensus #1 pick, but not for me. Matter of fact, he's not even the best PG, or guard in general when it comes to making my big board. Touted as a player in the Chris Paul/Deron Williams mold, Rose did nothing in his one year with the Tigers that would suggest he even has the potential to match what those 2 are doing at the pro level. He's a great player, but he's no pure point. And if he isn't. then how valuable can he possibly be? My #1 player? Nope, not Michael Beasley, but Arizona guard Jerryd Bayless. In Bayless I see a lot of the qualities that former Wildcat, and 2nd round sleeper, Gilbert Arenas had when he entered the league. He's lethal off the dribble, can get to the rack, handle the pill, and while his jumper isn't quite there yet, neither was Gil's at this stage of his career. Simply put, in 3-5 years, when we look back on the '08 draft, it will be Bayless that people will be kicking themselves for passing on...

*As for Beasley, I've been making this comparison since he stepped on campus in Manhattan, Kansas. He's the next Derrick Coleman. For better or worse, that's the skill set I see him having, and that's the type of career I see him having. OK, maybe a little better, but I certainly don't view him as the game changer that many pundits have him pegged to be. That doesn't mean he's not the best big man in the draft, or even worthy of going #1, I just don't see him evolving into one of the league's best players any time in the near future. It would still be a mistake for Pat Riley and the Heat to pass on him if they stand pat at #2, but I can't blame them for trading out either. Just don't stay there and pass...

*Now what's going to help Big Bease, is the lack of any other decent big men in this year's draft class. Between the two dude's with chick names (the not so Lil Lopezers), DeAndre Jordan, Roy Hibbert, Kevin Love, Kosta Koufos, Jason Thompson, Anthony Randolph and a few Euro prospects, there isn't a single big man I'd touch before pick #20. Sure the upside is there for many of them, and guys like Love and Thompson should be able to contribute right away, but I think a lot of the appeal, as awlays, is potential. That's dangerous. Case in point. Why is Robin Lopez considered a first round pick with upside, when he never averaged more than 5 boards a game playing at Stanford? Head scratcher to say the least. My move, if I was a GM in desperate need of a big man, would be to either trade up and take Beasley, or trade down and take your pick from Marreese Speights (Florida), JaVale McGee (Nevada), or any one of the guys mentioned above that happens to be free falling. Unlike a lot of other sports (minus drafting a QB), if you whiff on a high pick in the NBA Draft, it could really cost you, so my startegy is always better safe than sorry. Trade down, take an established guard, or prepare to be paying Darko Milicic or Robert Swift (who?) a ton of cakes to sit on your bench...

(if you didn't get the Scarface reference in that last paragraph, then you need to watch that flick again...that line was damn funny!)

*As for the Celtics in this year's draft, it would be prudent for them to start filling out that 2-gaurd and PG spots. The ideal fit is Texas PG DJ Augustin, but seeing as he should be talking to Stuart Scott by the time the C's pick, I'd love to see them go with Western Kentucky shooting guard, Courtney Lee. Most people only saw Lee play in the NCAA tourney, but I'm tellin' ya, this combo guard has the goods to be an all-around contributor on both ends at the next level. Combined with last year's draft pick Gabe Pruitt, it would give the Green some good options to replace Ray Allen, the most likely of the Big 3 to be the first to go...

*And while this is usually only a tactic used in the NFL draft, here are the top 10 players I would take if "need" wasn't a concern. Read 'em, get frustrated, and feel free to tell me why I'm a total tard. Just remember, that when it comes to college hoops, I am the King, and you are my peasants....or serfs if that makes you feel any better...

The Top 10 Players of the 2008 NBA Draft
1. Jerryd Bayless, G Arizona
2. Michael Beasley, PF Kansas St.
3. Danilo Gallinari, F Italy
4. OJ Mayo, SG USC
5. Derrick Rose, PG Memphis
6. Eric Gordon, SG Indiana
7. Donte Green, F Syracuse
8. Chirs Douglas Roberts, F Memphis
9. Kevin Love, PF UCLA
10. DJ Augustin, PG Texas

just missed: Russell Westbrook, G UCLA; Courtney Lee, SG Western Kentucky; Joe Alexander, F West Virginia; JJ Hickson, F NC State; The Better Lopez Twin, C Stanford

Feel free to copy this list and keep it on your bulletin board. Just as I predicted that after his strip club incident Adam Jones would remove the "Pacman" from his name, I'm gonna be right about these guys too...

-Big news out the Roid world this week, and surprisingly none of it involves Barry, Roger, or some sketchy track and field star that you had previously thought was actually a member of Boyz II Men. Well, actually I guess one kinda has to do with Marion Jones, and that's Big Brown trainer, Rick Dutrow Jr. The oft maligned, and always outspoken trainer has been caught cheating yet again. Apparently, he was caught injecting one of his horses (not Big Choke Artist), with an abnormal amount of some legal horse roid, and will be forced to serve a 15 day suspension....karma much there, buddy?

And in football, Tery Bradshaw said this week that he too used roids in the 70's, but only to recover faster from injuries, not to build muscle. Hmmmmm, I can't say I buy that from you any more than I bought it from Andy Pettitte, but seeing as you weren't that good anyway, I''' cut you some slack. Plus, you;re bald, so I figure you've already suffered enough...

-So ESPN has a new ad campaign using it's personalities to help promote male health awareness. In theory, it's a good move and very responsible. In reality, it's hilarious. Like I said, I think the message is a good one, but how appropriate is it that at the end of the commercial, Stuart Scott appears next to a blown up picture of the human colon?! Maybe if he let his right eye smoke whatever his left eye's been smokin', he wouldn't suck so much, and I wouldn't have to rip on his ass. Then again, that wouldn't be much fun at all now would it?...

Now before I bid you all adieu for the week, I'd like to give thanks to my man Neal Donahue for throwing a fairly ill BBQ at his pad in S. Attleboro this weekend. There may have been a sketchy homeless meth head that tried to trade a potted plant (that wasn't his by the way) for some sort of food/beer, but still a more than solid time was had by all. Good eats, good people, and free booze. Always a great combination. Plus, I got to see the shed that his brother, Scottie, locks himself in when he tells the rest of us that he's out on the Cape "fishing". Hey, just because you're gutting people in there and it smells like a bait shop, doesn't mean you're fishing. It does mean you might be a serial killer, but you're still my boy, so I'll let that one slide. Thanks again boys...

Next week I'll tackle the questions "Is it really embarrassing if you've never seen the Godfather movies?" AND "If you haven't seen the Godfather, should you be allowed to comment on anything having to do with pop culture?"....Only I have the answers, and they are YES and NO respectively...OK so now I won't need to talk about it next week, but I just needed to get that out there. That was an actual argument I recently had with a friend of mine, and you can most likely imagine how passionately I defended my side of the argument...

Leave the gun, take the canolis...

...and I'm out like Carolo Rizzi...


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