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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Banner 17? Wicked Easy Kid...


Greetings and salutations my fellow pimps and possible pimpettes. How are you enjoying the NBA Finals? Are you as confused as I am on how the first 3 games have unfolded? Or are you sitting there with a Cheshire cat grin on your face, watching this thing unfold exactly as you had envisioned? Well, if you're the latter, then I have a hot tip for you in the Belmont. If you're the former, I have some reasons why this year's Retro Classic Finals isn't exactly shaping up the way we thought it might. And a few predictions as to why the ending might be drastically different than what you might think...Pimp it...


To start off, NO, I'm not surprised that Boston leads this series 2-1 going into game 4 in LA. And YES, I did expect the Celtics to win games 1 & 2, only to lose in game 3. Where I'm lost is how all this has gone down...


In Boston, the Lakers basically played only one good quarter, that being the 4th in game 2. Kobe and the boys not only seemed shaken by the smothering Celtics defense, but they also seemed to have been totally taken out of their comfort zone. A team that made the West it's bitch this year with great ball movement and timely shooting, was settling for mid-range jumpers, and not hitting them to boot. Kobe didn't have any answers, the LA bench didn't have any answers, and in the oddest occurrence of all, Zen Master Phil Jackson didn't seem to have any answers either. (Like did he really think Vlad Radmonovic was a good option to guard Paul Pierce?) It was truly odd to watch this team, that had seemingly steamrolled the best the West had to offer throughout the regular season and playoffs, had nothing to offer on the road, and limped out of the TD BankNorth Garden behind 0-2...


OK, so they were outclassed in games 1 & 2, not totally unexpected when facing a great home team like the Celts. But then what the Hell was goin' on in game 3?! Again the Lake Show came out with very limited energy, and again the Boston defense was controlling the flow of the game. And in a series that I was sure would go at least 6, hard fought games, I found myself thinking it might be over just halfway through quarter #3 of game #3. Pau Gasol was being pushed around, Lamar Odom was confused and thought he was still on the Clippers, and Luke Walton was....OK he blows so I guess he was just doin' his thing. But where was this "great" team? The one that had rolled to 8-0 in the playoffs at home, and the one that was one of the top scoring teams in the league all season long?


Well I'll tell you where they were. They were there, and they were giving it their all. They just aren't nearly as good as the C's. And it's not even close! This coming from a non green-hat to boot! I mean can you really have watched those first 3 games, and really think the Lakers have a realistic chance of finishing the Celtics off, let alone on the road? I certainly can't. When it takes miracle performances from foreign dudes that sound like they should be playing hockey, then you really can't like your chances.

I'm always touting how I call it like I see it, and I don't think there's any way to view this thing as an inevitable banner 17 for Glen Rivers and the Big Three. It'll still be in 6, but now I'm thinking it will only be because KG and crew will want to put the finishing touches on this masterpiece in front of the same crowd that helped propel them to the league's best home mark. Celts win game 4, and they still win in 6, baby! And shame on LA for bringing such weak sauce to the table. Freakin' Eurotrash...



-And you have to love that amidst Phil Jackson (and the rest of the free world) complaining about the blatant home court reffing bias, that former mobbed-up ref Tim Donaghy is now deciding to spill all. He's claiming that the league and it's refs were easily influenced by coaches and GMs, and went out of their way to "fix" games and series to try and guarantee a desired outcome. Naturally both David Stern and a few of the officials in question have called out Donaghy as a crook and a liar, but it doesn't help that his story holds some water. One series in question, the '02 Western Finals with LA vs Sacramento, was so poorly officiated in a Laker game 6 win (to force a game 7, mind you), that even consumer advocate, Ralph Nader, spoke up in its aftermath demanding an investigation (I knew there was a good reason I voted for him for President). LA went on to win the series in 7, no investigation was ever put together, and David Stern still was the gaul to publicly ponder why fans think his game might be fixed. Get it straight, Dave. A lot of people think every game in every sport is fixed. It's just that your constant apathy when it comes to the issue has everyone believing that all this smoke is covering up a towering inferno of injustice. Is Donaghy ratting people out to save his own ass? Most definitely. Is he lying? Probably. But is your league's credibility enough to simply smash those theories as frivolous conspiracy talk? Not by a long shot...



Red Sox Update
Overall: 41-27, 1st in AL East by 2 games

-Well one thing is for sure. This Red Sox season has not lacked any drama or excitement. This week, the drama I'm referring to is obviously the tussle between Coco Crisp and the entire Tampa Bay roster. To put it simply, Coco is a punk, and got exactly what he deserved when he was pegged in the 2nd by Tampa starter, James Shields. I mean what did Coke expect? A night after an aggressive slide into 2nd base saw him take out the wrong guy (he was pissed at Bartlett but slid hard into Iwamura), of course Coco was gonna get dotted in his next AB! In fact, in his post game comments, Shields even said as much, saying he meant to do it, and that he thought it was appropriate payback. To quote Morgan Freeman in Seven when talking to Brad Pitt "for the first time ever, you and I are in complete agreement". It's the rules of the game, man! The only guy in the freakin' building that seemed to be put out or surprised by this whole thing, was Crisp! And while his charging of the mound and ducking of Shield's punch was an admirable effort, the whole mess left him looking like a a punk. Maybe the lack of playing time has finally gotten too him, I don't know. But I do know that it looked to me that he was acting out, more than he was trying to retaliate. That, makes him unprofessional. And that, my friends, makes him a punk who has officially outworn his Beantown welcome. God, what is it about those weird named outfielders from the Cleveland Indians farm system anyway?...

-Probably the only good news to come out of the David Ortiz trip to the disabled list has been the emergence of JD Drew. I still think he's a huge toolbag, but that toolbag has been on fire since Papi hit the DL, hitting .500 with 3 homers in just the last week alone. I'm sure he'll be dinged up himself again soon, but it's always nice to see at least some return on a multi million dollar investment...

-Julio Lugo is officially out of excuses. The one saving grace the guy might have had going for him was his speed. But after grounding into his 10th double play on Wednesday night, it's safe to say that too has gone wherever the rest of his talent is residing. He's not that likable, he's not that talented, and he's rather ugly to boot. I call him, "El Scalabrino" (said with that Spanish thing over the n). Get that guy off the field, and just pray he doesn't decide to show up on the bench wearing blue jeans that appear to be attempting to swallow his torso...


Diamonds...She'll Pretty Much Have To
-ESPN.com did an article earlier this week discussing how some of the players mentioned in the Mitchell Report are still without jobs. The main focus of the article was former Baltimore OF, Jay Gibbons. Gibbons had 3 years of 20+ homers with the O's, but after being penned in the legendary roid document can't seem to find work. Matter of fact, it's gotten so bad, that Gibbons recently wrote to all 32 MLB teams, explaining his plight, and asking for a second chance. He even went as far to say he would play minor league ball, or even donate his entire salary to charity if any team gives him a shot. Truth hurts, Jay my man. But unless you're a guy like Bonds that basically IS his whole team, then you're inclusion in the Mitchell Report makes you instant clubhouse poison right about now. You say you want a second shot? I say the minute that first "shot" hit your cold bare ass cheeks, that's when you lost you're right to deserve that 2nd one...

-Wanna make sure and give props to my man Ken Griffey Jr. for belting career homer #600 this week. Sure it may have been in front of about 16 people due to the rabid Florida Marlin fan base, but it was still a momentous occasion. I just think back to my younger years, how gracefully dominant that guy was, and how much fun he seemed to have playing the game, and part of me feels like his accomplishment is like a rite of passage. Not just for him, but for me. I grew up watching this guy in his prime, and while his 600th might be a signal that my youth is in the rear view mirror, it also signals to me that I've watched some great players, and some great plays along the way. And that, my friends, is just fine...


-Talk about bizarre. After hearing an announcer belittling him during a game on Wednesday night, psychotic Texas Rangers slugger, Milton Bradley, sprinted up the stadium stairs in search of the the guy, wanting to beat him down. Fortunately for Bradley and the announcer (but not for us), Milton was intercepted before he actually found the guy. And as if that wasn't enough, Bradley broke down after the game and began crying to reporters, asking them to stop picking on him. Man oh man is this guy unstable. I'd make fun of his mental status further, but he's on my fantasy team, and to be honest...I'm afraid he might actually read this, come to my house, and kick the living shit out of me.


-Oh, and just in case you still needed a reason to hate Canada, Deadspin.com gives you one. I'm all for heckling, but how many rings you got, you round bacon eatin' hick? Go smother yourself in the snow bank you call a mattress, and leave the baseball to those of us that know what we're doin' eh?


...What? Canada sucks...


-....and so do the Cubbies. Still think they aren't damned to be bad? Soriano. Out 6 weeks. A One! A Two! A Three!


News and Notes
-As far as sporting events go, the 2008 Belmont Stakes might have been one of the biggest letdowns in modern history. I mean what a load of shit. Not only did Big Brown not win to complete the first Triple Crown in 30 years, but that bastard, his midget, and his pompous trainer came in dead-fucking-last. Sound bitter? Well I am. I was ready for Big Brown and Casino Drive to duel it out in a race for the ages, and all I got was a lot of talk, a mysterious pull-up mid race, and a long-shot (Da'Tara) that took the thing from wire to wire.

I should have known somethin' was amiss when Casino Drive, the #1 contender, pulled out of the race after hurting his hoof on a pebble (yea....really). But even I didn't see this debacle comin'. And after dominating the Crown's first two legs, and his trainer talking all that smack along the way, how could I? Eh screw it. I guess this is what I get fro attempting to care about horse racing in the first place. Freakin' Big Brown and his pompous trainer, Rick Dutrow. No wonder nobody likes you man. No wonder you were living in a horse stall just a few years ago. You're a prick! And what's worse, is you can't even own up to your own failure!! You and your gay UPS horse got exactly what you had coming to you. I just wish it hadn't come at the expense of my wallet, and hadn't ruined what was setting up as the best day horse racing has seen in the last 30 years. Thanks for nothin'...


-Lucky for me, one event that's usually able to deliver of it's promise of excitement and entertainment is right around the corner. The 2008 US Open. Tiger is fresh off his recent rehab, paired with Phatty Boom Batty in the first 2 rounds, and eager to show the world that slightly dinged or not, he's still the best this little green planet has to offer. Oh, and did I mention they'll be tackling a picturesque, and ruthless Torrey Pines gold course? It's gonna be a beauty, kids. I can't say I feel as confidant as I usually do that T-Money's gonna take the title home, but it's unique situations like this that often bring out the true champions. Corny I know. But there's no truer champ than my man T-Woods, and somethin' tells me he will defy odds yet again, and find a way to rise above to capture the '08 Open Title...

-CNN.com is already slackin' on their "headline t-shirts" campaign. I told you a few weeks ago that the news website was allowing readers to grab headlines from their page and instantly make them t-shirts, but I feel they're really not taking advantage of their new weapon. Not only didn't they allow me to purchase a shirt talking about Ronaldo and a bunch of trannys, but now they've let this one slip through their all mighty grasp. I mean imagine the chicks I could be pulling if I had a nice, long white-T that said this...Police: Women Wanted Crack For Rare Japanese Machine Gun Trade. Like how are you gonna tease me like that, and then not let me buy the freaking t-shirt!?! It's a cock tease, I tell ya. A flat out virtual cock tease...


And that's it for me this week, kids. Enjoy game 4 of the Finals tonight, and make sure whichever team you bet on, is the one David Stern wants to win. Otherwise, you too might be living in a stall one day...

Peace in the Middle...

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