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Thursday, April 17, 2008

Who Knew God Was a Keno Fan?

Greetings and salutations my good friends. Without fail, the improved weather combined with the start of the baseball season has really picked up my spirits. Not to say my spirits were low, but after a tragic end to the Patriots season and a slightly disappointing NCAA Tournament, the baseball season and the sweet summer breeze could not have come soon enough. This week, I'm comin' at ya with a lot of baseball stuff, a little bit of T-Woods, and some very astute observations about the NHL and NBA playoffs. I'll get in my cheap shots, sprinkle in some good analysis, and in some odd way you'll all be a little better off for having read it. Oh, and did I mention Hank Steinbrenner is a 5 year old trapped in the body of a huge tool? That's all in here somewhere, so check it out...


Obviously, with the Yanks and Sox in full swing, I have to start there. I just wouldn't be an angry NorthEast sports fan if I didn't, right?...


Red Sox Update
Overall: 9-7, 1st place tie in AL East



-I can't help but get the feeling that Curt Schilling thinks he's way smarter than the rest of us. It's either that, or his "good friend" and personal physician, Craig Morgan, is a liar, and/or an idiot. Dr. Morgan went on sports radio in Philly and Boston this week and said without a doubt, Curt Schilling told him he wanted to pitch for the Yankees next year, and that his rehab was going nowhere. He was given a chance to go back or re neg on any of his statements, but instead stood by his word. Not an hour after he was on with John Dennis and Jerry Callahan in Boston, Schilling came on, laughed at the mere notion of saying such a thing, and jokingly said Dr. Morgan must have "misremembered." One week, the guy knows your arm better than "anyone" in the world, and the next he's some old coot that can't figure out why his long johns are lined with chocolate pudding and raspberry preserves! I know it sounds like conspiracy, but I think Curt did say what the good Dr. is claiming. I don't think he meant it, but I think he wanted it out there and knew Morgan would blab to the first microphone shoved in front of his grill. After all, Morgan is already pissed at the Sox for denting his ego when they insisted Curt be looked at by other doctors, and then choosing a rehab plan that is radically different than the course of action Morgan had suggested. I think Schill knew the guy had an axe to grind, and he figured he could use his hard feelings to his own advantage. Curt's used to being in the media spotlight, and since he's been on the DL he hasn't been getting the love he's used to on his blog, in the papers and on TV. He wanted the "red lights" back on him, now they are, and I think that's all this thing was. It's what I hate about Schill, but if a little attention now and again is all it takes for him to get back on the field and contributing, then I say it's a small price to pay. Whether he's a fat, McCain lovin' glory hog or not...

As far as the actual play on the field through the first 16 games, I'd say it's been pretty damn good. Despite inconsistencies from Lester, Dice K, and Buchholz, an ineffective Big Papi, and a suspect bullpen, the Sox are still 9-6 and at the top of the division. Josh Beckett hasn't been lights out, and David Ortiz is hitting around .100, and the they're still above .500. While I hope it's not a sign of things to come for Papi and Beckett, it's good to see the rest of the team can pick up the slack when needed. Manny is flat out tearing the cover off the ball, and that's not just his average and his 14 RBI, it's just how he looks. He's in one of those zones that he's gotten in throughout his career. Hopefully more managers think like Joe Girardi and pitch to him in clutch situations. Then we might not even need Ortiz!



Youk's out to a hot start hitting .385 with 11 RBI and 11 runs, Coco's hitting .325 with 2 stolen bases, and even Drew is off to a good start hitting .316 with 3 dingers. That doesn't mean I still don't think he's gonna get hurt, but I'll get to that in a minute. The point is, even with some of the big guns still finding their groove, this team is more than holding their own. To me, that can't be a bad sign of things to come...


Oh and apparently we don't have to take Mike Timlin out back and shoot him....but I can't say he's bought himself all that much time to live. Just because he looked good matched up against Joe Borowski, doesn't mean he's back to his old form. IT just means that Borowski needs to be taken out back and turned into glue, while Timlin's bought himself about a week to prove that he hasn't gone all "every old dude that thinks he's still got it" on us. Giving up 3 runs and 4 hits in one inning against the Yankees on Wednesday? Not the best start to that all important week...


One last thing on the Sox. With the emergence of Ellsbury, and the steady improved play form Brandon Moss and Jed Lowrie, it makes me kind scratch my head about something. Theo Epstein wasn't willing to part with any of these guys to make off season moves, which I respect, but he also built a lineup filled with guaranteed money that's blocking these guys from getting any real playing time. Drew, Lugo and Crisp could have easily been 3 scrubs making half the money, that can now be easily moved aside for the emerging stars you've some patiently waited on to develop. Now I know they can still use these guys as pieces in late season deals, but that will just stick you with two, higher paid, and likely less skilled players a few years down the road. The plan has always been to go young as often as you can, to become as financially profitable as you can, and to win titles. Well in my eyes, a lot of these young guys are ready to produce, but thanks to questionable free agent dealings, there isn't any room for them to show what they can do. Now if only JD Drew can pull a skull muscle trying to tie his shoes. Maybe then at least Tacoby Bellsbury can get in the lineup on an everyday basis. The injury to Cora has already opened the door for Lowrie and Joe Thurston to walk on through, and I think the more experience these guys can get, the better off the entire team will be. Now, and for many years to come if they actually get the reps they need..


Oh and word on the farm is that Craig Hansen has been lights out in Pawtucket. A birdie told me before the season started that Hansen would be so good by the end of this season, that the talk again next off season would be moving Papelbon into the rotation. Obviously still crazy to say that now, but if this kid's got his head right again, there's no doubt in my mind he play prominently in this bullpen by the All Star break. At least after I shoot Mike Timlin and tell the team that he went to live on a farm upstate, there will be a roster spot available for him...


Diamonds...She'll Pretty Much Have To
-Seeing as I'm all up in the Yankee biz these days at work, I figure it's my duty to give my thoughts on how the Pin Stripes have started their own '08 campaign...



Now I hate to be the bearer of bad news to Red Sox Nation, but the Yankee team I've been following to start of this year has all the makings to be a big time threat for the American League Championship. Like the Sox, a few of their stars have gotten off to slow starts, but like in Boston, that void has been filled quite nicely by their role players, which only bodes well for the long grind of the season. SS Alberto Gonzalez, C Jose Molina, and IF Morgan Ensberg have been much appreciated contributors, while Hideki Matusi and Bobby Abreu have truly risen to the top and provided real clutch, power hits. The starting rotation has been Wang and the Gang (with the "gang" sucking ass for the most part) but the bull pen has emerged as a real strength. Much like the Mariano to Wetteland tandem that got their dynasty started, Joba to Mariano is just as dangerous. Once their lineup starts scoring runs, and they will, they'll only need to ask 5+ innings out of their starters before handing the game over to their pen with extreme confidence. Kyle Farsnworth has been much better from a year ago, and with young arms like Brian Bruney and Jared Albaladejo emerging as dependable options to bridge the gap New York is going to be kept in a lot of games that can use their offense to win. Wang has really emerged as a #1 so far this year, and while the rest of the staff looks a bit suspect, I have faith that no matter how nutty Hank Steinbrenner is, he knows enough to go out and get another guy to fill out the top end of rotation before the stretch run. Believe me, it pains me to say this, but from a strictly business standpoint, I have to say this is a team that looks like it's going to be really scary come July and August. With a lineup and a bullpen like that, they'll find enough pitching to be a major factor, no matter how much the average Boston fan will try to tell you otherwise...


Now to go a little "Red Sox" fan on ya, I think what Hank Steinbrenner has been doing lately has been very un-Yankee of him. Matter of fact, between his denouncing of Red Sox Nation, and the digging up of the buried Ortiz jersey in the new stadium, he's coming off looking an awful lot like the pre World Series winning Red Sox! He's bitchin' about things he can't control, he's pickin' a fight with the World Champ, and he's just lookin like a whiny bastard while he's doin' it! Listen, little George. We already thought you were gonna be an ass in the mold of your father, but at least that guy had some stones to kick some ass and build a winner. So far, all you've done, is bitch and moan about how the Red Sox got your number, and taken some of the shine off the glowing beacon of a franchise your father used his sweat and tears to build. Listen, I understand not wanting that jersey buried in your stadium, but so far all your actions have made your team look a little soft, and a little scared. Ya know, a little like the old Boston Red Sox...


-Hey Cub fans. I believe in God, and the only man I fear, is Kaisar Soze. That is to say. I don't
believe in curse's, but I believe in you and your dumb ass fans. That franchise flat out sucks, and they're already starting to fall apart. Soriano is now hurt, and though Kerry Wood has been a pleasant surprise at closer, you get a feeling that the bad energy that's always surrounded this team is just too much to overcome. Especially in a year where Moises Alou comes out and says he actually had "no shot" of fielding that Bartman ball in the '03 NLCS (uh OK...but did you not see the picture? ). Poor, nerdy bastard. Got run out of town because some guy that pisses on his hands, and a bunch of tarded out fans, through a freakin' hissy fit and blame him for all their life's problems! Sure he looks like a tool, but that doesn't mean you have to force the guy into witness protection, does it? Bunch of clowns. Uhhhhh you know it's not called the Windy City because of the actual wind??? Shut the Hell up. I hope all your players get hurt, and the next time the army misfires a projectile, it lands in Wrigley freaking field. You're not cursed, you're just inept. If you wanna win, sell the team to Mark Cuban. If you want to keep entertaining the rest of us with your embarrassing franchise, then by all means just keep doin' what yer doin. just be glad that Harry Carey isn't around. By now even he would have gotten laser eye surgery, realized you sucked, and offed himself by leaping out of the box with a rope around his neck during the 7th inning stretch. A ONE! A TWO! Hey, evry'body! Go Fuck yourselves! I'll see you in Hell cuz I got liquored up and hit a kid with me car in the 50's....and then did things with his corpse that apparently are only legal in West Virginia and certain alleys in Cincinnati.....and then he's dead....Much like the horse I just beat....CHICAGO SUCKS...



News and Notes
-Who would of thought that a week after Tiger fails to win the Masters, and mere days after he went under the knife for knee surgery, that PGA Tour players would be more scared of Mr. Woods than ever. Just think, if the guy was playing this well while he was hurt, then how does anyone else stand a chance once he's actually 100%?!? Not that I'm saying the only reason he didn't win the Masters was because he was hurt, because you could easily blame his putting, but the fact that he wasn't healthy in losing by only 3 strokes has to be a little disconcerting to the rest of the field. It's a shame that he wasn't in peak physical condition in a year he was allegedly making a run at winning all 4 Majors, but I say once he gets healthy and returns for the US Open in June, he'll go on a run of winning either 5 straight Majors, or 6 out of the next 8. Yeah, I know how ridiculous that sounds, but that's how good I think he is, and how well I think he's going to rebound from this injury. He'll be swillin' that new Gatorade he's got out there, and even workin' on a new formula, Gatorade Recovery Glacier Jordan Special Nighttime Formula. You thought the new Gatorade for athletes during the day was hot, then you gotta try this shit. It's the Gatorade that's built for someone that's fresh out of surgery, someone about to go into surgery, or someone that's just so poor they need to sleep at the hospital. A few weeks of poundin' those bad boys down, and Tiger will be fist pumpin' and primal screamin' in no time. He's Tiger freaking Woods, and once he's back in good health, the rest of the PGA is going to return to being as relevant as it was before he even joined their ranks. Fore!!!.....




-According to Father Shanley, "God sent coach Davis to Providence." Shanley is the President of Providence College and some sort of church guy. Coach Davis is former Drake head man, Keno Davis. And as far as God goes, well he allegedly created heaven and earth. That was Shanley's quote plastered on the front of the Providence Journal sports section. Really? I think one of those alter boys you were "checking for moles" must have slipped you a mickey my good man. If anything, it's the Devil himself that has a watchful eye on the PC Friars. Like have you even watched this team play? OR heard how the fans rip them a part? And was I out of the room, or have you guys not done anything in the post season since Austin Croshere white-manned that team to the Elite 8? God sent Keno Davis to Providence? Maybe God gave him the idea for that camp he's got goin' there, but I'm not sure he's sending him to a place a stone's throw from Central Falls. By that logic he must have sent Keno to Southern Indiana and Drake before hand. What kind of screwed up God is sending anyone they like to Drake!? I say thanks but not thanks, your emminence, but I would rather be stoned (think Bible, not Half Baked) and pecked apart by birds of prey than be sent to the Mid West!...


And If God was the reason that Keno ended up in the capital city, then dare I say I'm fairly sure I know more about college hoops than the man upstairs. The guy the Friars really wanted, Travis Ford, turned his PC visit into a big extension in Amherst, and has now bolted for the greener pastures of Stillwater, Oklahoma. Travis Ford was the best man for the Friar job, and while Davis is a good hire, he's at best a silver medal. He'll be able to coach the kids up, and probably have them competing for a tourney spot next year, but like Ford, he'll always be looking to move up the coaching ladder. That's what PC fans have to accept, but it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. You may have a "stepping stone" type job, but like Crean in Marquette, if you can get a guy to stay a little longer than he should, then it can really give your team a great foundation and a nice tradition to recruit behind. I think Davis is capable of doing that at Providence, but with that success will come the big money and lure of a National Title at the bigger schools both in conference and out...

So I guess in the long run, it won't make a huge difference that Ford is at Oklahoma St. and Davis is at Providence, just don't tell me he was your #1 choice. And certainly don't try to tell me God sent him there. God has no time for PC and their miserable fans. He's busy trying to figure out why there were minorities in Washington chanting "the Pope is worse than Osama bin Laden"...Ouch...Apparently they aren't big Keno Davis fans, eh?...Either that or they really like Osama, in which case I hate to tell them they might be in the wrong country. Just a thought...


-Sticking with hoops, the NBA regular season has finally come to an end, and now the second season is upon us. After watching the Celtics all season long (prolly saw majority of like 40-50 games), I've been itching for the playoffs to start for a while now, but to be honest, this 1st round thing isn't really doin' it for me. Matter of fact. With home court on their side, it seems anything short of the Eastern Conference Finals isn't even going to get my blood boiling. I mean I know this team isn't playoff tested as a group, and that anything can happen in the playoffs, but I just don't see the need to watch. I think the Celts gots through the first two rounds easy, and no matter who they play in the Eastern Finals, it's gonna be a great series. Maybe I'm just making it easier for me to hate on them if they do happen to tank in the first few rounds, but I seriously think they're gonna cruise to at least the Conference Finals. I don't think they're first few round match ups will be all that entertaining, so I'll just stick to watching the Sox, catch the box score, and wait for big time playoff basketball to return to the Bean for the first time since I was still thinkin' taking a bath was the best way to clean yourself. Seriously, how is sitting in a pool of your own stank and grime possibly a good thing, huh? I'm sure I'll go back on all this when the Wizards, who were 3-0 against the C's in '08, are up 1-0 against them in the first round, but I won't flip flop on that one until I actually see some results. After all, Washington needs to get by LeBron first. And I'm not totally sure, but I think there might be a "witness" in that series. And that might prevent the Wiz from even tasting round #2...


(Note: It's a good thing that Danny Ainge doesn't have to do much as GM during the playoffs. otherwise I would think all his brothers/sisters/parents/cousins/lovers/cousins/uncles that are really just your dad's drinkin' buddy/cousins were getting arrested at that "religious compound" they got goin on there in Texas. I'm sure God told you to hook up with all those 14 year olds right after he told Keno Davis to take the PC job. At least that would seem like the consistent move, wouldn't it? Hope you can iron out all these family issues Dan, see you at the parade!)


As for who the Celts could possibly meet from the West, I have to give the nod to the Lakers or the Spurs. New Orleans and Utah would be the next two for me, but they seem to lack the experience and real big time veterans to really be counted on in the grind of a playoff series. In San Antonio, you have a team that obviously knows what it takes, and is clicking at the right time. And in LA, you have a team that's surpassed all expectations , with the trade for Pau Gasol having the Los Angelino's hopping on the bandwagon so fast they spilled their Starbuck's all over the leather interior of their Mercedes convertible. Kobe has been a legit MVP candidate all season long, and unless he tries to rape somebody between now and the Finals, I would have to say his team has the best chance of taking the West. And hey, who am I to argue with the great Mike Tyson? What? I don't want him to eat my children. And I sure as Hell don't want him to blast me into Bolivian...hmmmm...or maybe I do, you face tat wearin' freak...


-The NFL Draft is nearly upon us, yet thanks to the lack of skill players at the top of the board, the pre draft buzz has softened considerably compared to years past. The one thing I've been thinking about as a Patriots fan, is the intrigue involved with what the team might do with their #7 pick. Now the Pats are usually impossible to read when it comes to the draft, so I won't try to guess who they'll take. What interests me, is the position of power they might be in should QB Matt Ryan or RB Darrent McFadden fall to them at the 7th pick. I won't bother to speculate at what they might do should that happen, but it's really the only storyline worth following as the draft draws near. As always, you know it's gonna be entertaining to watch what they do, and you know it's gonna be some move that screws another less fortunate team, and helps the Pats add another car to the train that's become their powerful dynasty. Choo Choo baby. Choo Choo...


-So Herschel Walker has 12 different personalities. What I wanna know is. If he's not on the Surreal Life, with the other 11 personalities as his co-stars...and they aren't all somehow competing for the love of Devine Brown (Hugh Grant's black hooker), then I gotta say I'm just not interested. Pfffff. Multiple personalities. That's so 1980's Lifetime Movies. Get a meth addiction, a busted marriage or a rage problem, and then we can talk. Until then, get off my TV. I got DVR shit needs watchin...


Fantasy Update
-I know I said I wasn't gonna keep constant tabs on my fantasy baseball teams this season, but there have been a few changes made to my teams that I thought I'd keep you abreast of. That, and I like saying "abreast." In my head-to-head league, all is still the same. My team, Bartolo Colon Cancer, is off to a decent start and is currently nestled right in the middle of the pack. They've got some issues in the bully, but it's nothing they can't overcome...


NOW. On my Rotisserie team, there has been a big time shakeup. First off, since I was becoming confused, I changed the name of this team from Bartolo Colon Cancer to J-Roll's Rainmakers. Having two teams with the same name was seriously just screwing with my head, and seeing as the teams have some of the same players, I could never remember which guys were on which team. Now, my head is straight, and it's time to Make it Rain, like my man Super Mario Chalmers. I picked J-Roll for Jimmy Rollins, because he was my first round pick on both teams. Not workin' out so great just yet, but ya'll better watch the F out! When J-Roll step in the cut, shits bound to get so bumpin' that the jump off bound to be jumpin' in. Bam! Second, thanks to some queer feature afforded me by the good folks at Yahoo!, I've been able to bring Frosco on board as my co-manager. Personally, I think he's just trying to gravy-train his way to half a tiny trophy, but he claims he's in it to give it his all. Only time will tell, but I'll keep you updated on every mis step that tiny Italian makes, and how detrimental it is to my ultimate quest for victory...

Well thanks to a late night Sox/Yanks game, I'm wiped and ready for another rest, but I'm glad I was able to bang this out for the week and keep all you vultures nice and satisfied. I'll be back next week with no doubt some more off beat news, more baseball analysis, and maybe even a few off color jokes that you can't say in urban areas or synagogues. Hey, that's how I get down..

Later pimps. Have a good weekend and be easy...

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