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Thursday, April 24, 2008

So Are You a Fan? OR Is That a Rope Around Your Junk?

What it is, boys and girls? Welcome to the Nation for those of you joining me for the first time, and let me get right down to business. Due to my flourishing Intraweb poker career, my increased role at work, and my need for necessary substance abuse and sleep, it's getting harder to squeeze these weekly blogs in. However, seeing as I know so many of you depend on me for the real stories behind the stories, and the REAL takes on all things sports and entertainment, I couldn't leave you hangin' just because I have a little on my plate. That being said, here's what's good in the Nation for this week, and boy is it a doozy...


As usual, I'll get down to brass tacks right off the bat, and analyze the play of YOUR white hot Boston Red Sox. Another Nation that I just so happen to endorse...


Red Sox Update


Overall:
15-8, 1st in AL East by 2 games

-Wow. I mean what else is there to even say at this point? Other than the influenza tearing through the clubhouse, there isn't one bad thing I can even think of saying about the Sox play so far in '08. The young guys like Lowrie and Ellsbury are doin' the damn thing. Manny, Youk and Pedroia are rippin' the cover off the ball. JD Drew isn't injured yet. Ortiz has finally come around. And even Jason Varitek is providing some offensive pop! They've won 10 of their last 12, and even though the pitching hasn't been anything to write to Hahhhhvid about, their repeat, clutch, comeback wins have everyone in this town singing nothing but happy tunes. And not like gay, old timey good tunes either. And certainly not anything by Dropkick Murphy's. I'm talkin' strutting down the street, aviator shades on, and bumpin' the shit that shakes the shudders, and shatters the windows. This team can do no wrong so far, and instead of trying to figure out how they're doing it, I've decided to just leave good enough alone. Pass the beer and enjoy the show, kiddies. It's shapin' up like one heck of a summer...


Diamonds...She'll Pretty Much Have To

-Well you really gotta hand it to those folks at the new, "edgy" news magazine program on the World Wide Leader, E60. In their latest attempts to find suitable work for suits like Jeremy Schaat-stain and Michael "do I own a tie that's not pink" Smith, the show decided to go Ashton Kutcher on lovable yet controversial slugger, Miguel Tejada. First, the show called the Orioles to ask permission for the interview. During which, the Orioles asked if the show would be discussing the Mitchell Report or Jose Canseco's book. If so the deal was off, but E60 said they need not worry. They only wanted to ask Miggy a few "baseball" questions. Right...then how the Hell did this happen?



Hey good work, fellas. Way to ambush a guy and make him look foolish. Sure it makes for good TV, but there's a way to do things, and a way that'll make you look like...well...a sniveling weasel like Jeremy Schaap. This is what ESPN's all about now, huh? Tricking guys into looking like fools on National TV? There's a time and a place for that shit. It's called VH1, E!, and the time is late at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. Freaking ESPN. Guess it's no surprise that Mike & Mike are getting closer and closer to Dingo and the Baby with each passing day. They already have the gay baby, now they just need a talking dog. Paging Dana Jacobson...Paging Dana Jacobson...

*Now I'm not a total ESPN hater, actually far from it. As evidence, I provide you two excellent articles from ESPN.com that you really should check out. One deals with the aftermath of Mike Gundy's "Fat!" rant, and the other deals with the whereabouts of former coaching prodigy, Quinn Snyder. Both are great reads and I highly recommend that you check them out. Not now, mind you. First stay here and finish seeing what I have to say. Those other articles are good (the Gundy one was especially interesting), but I wouldn't say either of those flunkies holds a candle to this pimp...

Snyder Story: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=pearlman/080418

Gundy Story: http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3341578


-Not nearly as lovable, but just as controversial, has been the actions so far this season of Little George, aka, Hank Steinbrenner. Most recently Hank's been on the front pages for telling anyone that would listen that keeping phenom Joba Chamberlain in the bullpen is just "stupid." Typical short-sighted rich crybaby. Sure Joba could ultimately end up as a starter, but moving him now would just be robbing Peter to pay Paul. And if you want to be the GM, you own the freakin' team, so make it happen. This isn't some version of Madden '05 where you can just trade, shuffle and rebuild your team anytime you like. It takes calculated decisions and actual baseball knowledge to make a good team. We've all seen how turbulent a process it is to try and run a team via the media from the owners box, and I for one can say I'm looking forward to see if Hank is up to the task. He's wrong about, Joba, at least for '08, and if he keeps flappin' his gums like the old man before him, he might find the new coach isn't on his side. I happen to remember something about Girardi scrapping with the Marlins owner...on the field...during a game...and being showed the door just a few days down later. Hmmm...Now picture that happening in the most ferocious media and baseball market of them all. Yeah, like I said before. This is gonna be a GREAT summer...

-Oh, and just to keep that ball rolling, I have to call myself on a little "forest through the trees" when it comes to the New York Yankees and their suspect pitching staff. I gushed a little about the Yanks bullpen a little last week, but failed to see the plain fact that's right in front of me on a nightly basis. If your starting pitching sucks, it really doesn't matter how good your bullpen is. I don't agree with moving Joba to the rotation, but I do think Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy better start showing some improvement for this team to have the run I think they're capable of having. I still think even with those two developing that they'll need another big arm to contend, but if the pitching doesn't improve soon, and the stellar bullpen gets burned out, it might be the classic case of too little too late. Granted we're only 22 games in, but at some point you have to start looking at what this team actually IS, and that's a team without enough horses at the front of their rotation. At least for now...


News and Notes
-Now I know I said I wasn't going to really pay attention to the Celtics until they reached the Eastern Conference Finals, but some of the talk surrounding their first round series with the Hawks has piqued my interest. After a game one beat down, Atlanta point guard Mike Bibby called out the fans at TD BankNorth Garden, going as far as to label them as "fair-weather." Well, Mike. I have only one thing to say to that bold remark. THANK YOU. You might be a pussy, and your intentions might have been in line with mine, but I love the message your sendin' out. As witnessed by the recent one week love affair with the Bruins, the pink Tom Brady jerseys, and the remake of Fenway Park into a minivan filled Chuck E Cheese, I would say it's painfully obvious that the former Arizona grad hit the nail right on the head.

What? SO you think I'm calling myself out? Far from it. In fact, I'm calling most of you out. I've been a Red Sox and Patriots fan since I can remember, and I haven't cared for the Bruins or Celtics in about a decade+, and let me tell you right now. No title runs. No MVPS. And no Duck Boat parades are ever gonna change that. I'm not a hater, mind you. I just happen to know what it actually means to be a fan. I can enjoy what the Celtics or Bruins are doing, but how is that any different from enjoying any good team do good things, whether they be from Boston or Tahiti? It's not. Difference is, real fans are the ones that stick by, live, and die with their team, not the ones that are simply drawn in by fashionable success. I'm not saying you can't enjoy a team like the C's that have brought themselves back from the dead. And I'm not saying that you need to be some sort of encyclopedia of sports knowledge to be a fan. All I'm saying, is being a fan isn't a part time gig, and it's certainly not some geographic rite of passage. A fan is with their team through think and thin. The Garden was empty when the Celts were tankin' it up, but yet now it's full. How you figure that? In a time when the economy is in the shitter, and the Euro is raping the dollar at 1.6 to 1, people in Boston suddenly have cakes to sling around for premium club seats cuz they just can't miss that next Kevin Garnett dunk. Not buyin' it. You're there cuz it's the cool thing to do, and Mike Bibby and I can see right through your poser ass. Again, there's no shame in getting caught up in championship fever. Hell, it happens to the best of us. Just don't go around calling yourself a fan, because you're giving all us REAL fans a bad name.

Maybe it's just a definition of the word "fan," and maybe it's my high standards, but if what I see in this area now is what passes as a fan these days, then I'm gonna have to come up with a superior word when referring to how I feel about my teams. Oh, and if you're not sure if you're a legit fan or not, take a look around you real quick. If there isn't a plastic logo cup of your team, with crusted beer or soda foam sticking to the side in your plain view, then you should probably start searchin' eBay for that pink Rajon Rondo jersey. I hear they're big sellers...


-So Danica Patrick finally pulled out a victory in her 50th start as an Indy car driver this past week, becoming the first female to grab a win in the series history. What does that tell us about the "sport" of car racing? Say it with me now kids. If a chick can win, then it's not a real sport. People say bowling and poker aren't sports because you can drink and smoke while yo do 'em, and I say then the same must apply to driving. I was just drinkin' a Wild Cherry Pepsi as I drove to work for cryin' out loud! Props to her for the win, but it really just proves what most of us have known all along. That driving's not a sport. All she did was make it official. Thanks babe, and thanks for the ass shot...really helps me put my argument into perspective...


-One woman that's actually doing her sport proud these days is Ms. T-Money Woods, otherwise known as pro golfer Lorena Ochoa. Obviously I know she's not really married to El Tigre, but her performance on the course actually does deserve Tiger-like acclaim. In just 6 LPGA events this year, Ochoa has a major championship to go along with a mind boggling 5 wins! Hey, I'm not saying you need to care, watch, or investigate further, but I just figure I'd give ya the heads up. I know I just ripped chicks that play sports, but all kidding aside what Ochoa is doing is both note-worthy and impressive. She's actually playing a sport, for one. And while she might not look nearly as good in a bikini, we should still at least acknowledge that she's kickin' everyones ass. See, now I got you thinkin' about girls kickin' each others asses. C-c-c-cat fight!...


-And as if it weren't insulting to the game enough to have it buried behind two stories about humans with boobs, I'm here to officially toss the dirt onto the grave of a Nation that rivals mine for number of fans. Naturally, I'm referring to the embarrassing Euro-mess of a game that is the NHL, and more specifically, the Boston Bruins. At least that's what they were being called the last time I could actually find their games on TV. In an area where championships are now the gold standard, and pink hats rule the day, we'll only watch when the B's have the next Sidney Crosby anyway. And with that management team...well...let's just say they would have to make '08 Dany Ainge look like everyday Isiah Thomas in order to get that one done...


-Back to relevant sports news. The NFL Draft is creeping up upon us this weekend which could mean only one thing. No, not an increase in hookers around the Radio City Music Hall, although be on the lookout for Mo Vaughn. No, what I've been awaiting like clock work has arrived right on cue. And that's an announcement that an agreement has been reached for former Patriots cameraman, Matt Walsh, to finally spill his guts to Roger Goodell and the NFL. I mean, not that I'm keeping track, but why does all the news surrounding this guy always seem to pop up right before big NFL events? It's obviously some sort of cash grab/Arlen Specter is apparently back from vacation and ready to put his agenda back on the front page. It's very akin to how MLB drags out their post season awards for all the off season publicity. The people that want to see the Pats go down, made sure all this came up at the perfect time for it to gain the most attention. Fine. At least we're finally gonna see what this guy has to say, and more importantly what he has to show. In true red tape bureaucratic form, none of this will be known until a solid week or two into May, but at least it seems that the ball has actually begun to roll after quite the delay. Time for Walsh to put up or shut up, and time to see if all this fuss was worth the time fools like me spent talking about it...

Oh, and that Adam Pacman (the #1 White-T Jew) trade finally went down, and he's now free to roam about the Dallas skin joints....DING!


-From across the room I heard four key phrases that brought me to this next story. Meth, British, CNN and Sex Toys. Of course I'm referring to British CNN correspondent Richard "Johnny" Quest, who was caught in a rather scandalous after hours adventure this week in NYC. Reportedly, the cops found Quest in the park, with a rope tied around his neck and genitals, a pocket full of meth, and a few sex toys in his trunk, apparently waiting for some sort of kinky Central Park gay lovin.' Now I don't claim to be any sort of kinky-homo-meth-outside-oxygen deprivation sex expert here, but this whole thing just seems really off. Not the meth, of course, which undoubtedly was the cause of the whole thing, but what's with the freakin' rope?! I don't even want to think about what kind of tripped out shit your doin' with that, man! I mean, don't you know that you work for CNN? People might actually recognize you, man. I sure as shit didn't, but obviously these cops did! Well, I guess to be fair they just recognized him has a drugged up homo-skank, but any publicity is good publicity, right? Wow. Even somethin' like this is a little out there for me to imagine, and I've seen the best that cable has to offer in the way of drug/police documentaries. Tying a rope around your junk, and searching the bushes for a gay junkie to tug on it. All while that same junkie apparently tries to choke you out, and then presumably steals your meth, and your rope, and gets the fuck out of dodge? Creepy man. That shit's just flat out creepy. And the fact that I can picture you saying "cheerio" all fast and shit while this all goes down, isn't exactly helping the mental image...


-Now I don't wanna get political on ya here, but I figured I'd pass this along. No, not the WWE shtick with the Presidential hopefuls, although I left that there if you haven't seen it. No, what prompted these political ramblings was a run in I had with one of our country's US Marines at a local gas station. As I walked in, it became evident that the cashier, who couldn't have been older than 19, was having trouble processing this Marine's order to pre-pay for a tank of gas. So, after a few seconds of patience, the guy began ranting and raving at how he took gunfire for his country in Afghanistan, but couldn't even get a tank of gas in his own country. The country HE, mind you, played a key role in defending. He was pissed because he thought somehow he should be treated better by a credit card gas pump than the next guy, simply because he had served the country in "a time of war."


Yeah. Well listen up, Jethro. You're the reason the war in Iraq scares me. I'm afraid that dumb ass, ignorant hicks like you are the ones over their representing me and my freedom to all the nations of the World. Telling the people over there that they somehow owe us a debt of gratitude. That we're the mother fuckin' United States, and their towel wearin' ass would be neck deep in camel shit if it wasn't for us and our guns. You really make me sick. You attach yourself on to all the proud veterans who served in WWI, WWII, Korea and Vietnam, and somehow think that because you fought for this country, that you deserve to be treated like a King upon your return. Well news flash, Jarhead. While I'm happy that you're out there providing me with the freedom to write this blog, I don't need that thrown back in my face because your dumb ass can't pump gas. I'm grateful for what you do, but I "owe" you about as much as you owe me. I mean you freaking volunteered didn't you? I don't see the guys that recycle cursing peeps out at the Stop and Shop, tellin' them they owe you their life because they are helping to save the environment!
I know you're only in the army because you barely made it out of high school and you have a thing for camo and guns, but even a mind that simple should be able to comprehend that telling people how important you are to their survival isn't exactly the best way to endear yourselves to them. Now I know the umbrella I just cast will make a lot of people upset, and for that I apologize. I know you're not all the same, and many of you actually bring good intentions and honor to the work you do. Matter of fact, those of you that do perform your duty with honor are probably more sickened by these tards actions than I am.

So help me God, the next time I stumble on a guy that wants to tell me how much I owe him, or how much he's owed by the country, we're gonna have to throw down. Not hand to hand, mind you, because they'd kill me. But a battle of the minds. Bring that shit to me, and I'll rip your moral values apart like Dakota Fanning at Ron Jeremy fantasy camp. Not in my country, man. And certianly not in my Cumberland Farms! This is America. If you don't like Cumby's you can get the fuck out!...


OK then. On that note, I'm gonna shadily sneak out the back way like the guy who didn't look around before he told that black joke...

Have a solid weekend everyone and enjoy the beautiful weather. Gas prices may be high, but the sun is shinin' and the air is so dewy sweet, you don't even need to lick that 20 bag. I'll be back next week with an update on how my quest to make it in the sports radio industry, and more than likely a breakdown of the NFL Draft. Until then, I'm out like Hillary...

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