Picking up the Pieces...

Uhhhhh, so when does fantasy football start??


As much as I love the NCAA tournament, that was the first thing that popped into my head on Monday morning. Not only did my bracket tank (and you know I'll be getting to that), but March Madness is one of the few opportunities I allow myself to bet on sports. With my bracket in shambles, and any chance of winning loots about as likely as Larry King throwing on a belt, I can't help but look forward to fantasy football, the only other time I have cash on the line.

Mind you, I'm not trying to distract from, or make excuses for, my first weekend meltdown. Matter of fact, in my complete analysis of the Sweet 16 games yet to come, I'll tell you exactly why and how I came to only have 3 Final Four teams left, and virtually no shot at taking home this year's crown. It's a sad tale. But as a man that stakes his reputation on tellin' it like it is, it's one that needs to be told. So getcha popcorn ready...

First, we'll start out in the East. My bracket isn't completely screwed in this region, as I have Tennessee in the Final Four, but if the Tar Heels continue playing at their current level, I can't say I'm lovin' my chances...


EAST
(1) North Carolina vs (4) Washington St. @ 7:27 pm
(2) Tennessee vs (3) Louisville @ 9:57 pm

-Seeing as everyone was telling me leading up to the tourney that they were having trouble picking upsets, I'd have to imagine I'm the only one on the planet that doesn't have these 4 teams in the Sweet 16. I happened to pick Notre Dame as one of my "sleeper/upset" picks to reach the Elite 8, so I'm on the outside looking in, but it's my pick of Tennessee as the region's Final Four representative that has me more than a little bit concerned. Yeah, I know the Irish had a suspect defense and that Carolina is dripping with an abundance of NBA prospects, but it was just an upset pick that went wrong. Never did I think Notre Dame would make the Elite 8, it's just that I thought there was also no way I would be right with all my tourney predictions. Now I'm stuck rooting for Washington St., and praying to God that the Tennessee Vols can survive what should be an all out war with geographical rival, Louisville. At this point, I'd give Louisville a shot at knocking off UNC given their impressive play in the first two rounds, but even that's looking rather unlikely. Make sure to catch that Louisville/Tennessee game, as it's bound to look like half track meet, and half street ball. I'm just afraid whoever comes away the winner won't have enough left in the tank to take out Roy Williams and his mighty Heels. The smart money in the East has been on UNC since Selection Sunday, but if any of that smart money is destined for my pocket, then they'll have to take a dive this weekend. Hopefully, they'll save me the drama and take it in game #1, but like I said I'm not really lovin' my chances...


Next up is the West. They also play their Sweet 16 games on Thursday, and seeing as I need UCLA to cut down the nets to have any chance of winning, I'll be watching these bad boys with baited breath...


WEST
(3) Xavier vs (7) West Virginia
(1) UCLA vs (12) Western Kentucky

-If you're looking for the reason why I hate the 7/10 first round match up, you need look no further than the West Virginia Mountaineers. In another brilliant example of me going against my logic, I removed WVU as a Sweet 16 team (I had them there in EVERY bracket I had filled out before I did my $$ brackets) and replaced them with the Arizona Wildcats. I figured, the team that nobody seems to think deserves to be in the field ('06 George Mason, '07 VCU) is always bound to win one game, and seeing as Duke sucks this year, I pushed whoever won that 7/10 game right on through to the Sweet 16. Well, I was right about Duke, I was right about West Virginia, and I was WRONG thinking that hunch would be incorrect....if that makes any sense at all. The good news for me in the West, is that my champion, UCLA, is still alive, and the three teams surrounding them don't exactly come off as any sort of threat. Western Kentucky made an impressive run in knocking off mid major power Drake and potential Cinderella San Diego, but it looks as if they're run should most definitely end when they meet up with Kevin Love and friends in Phoenix. Oh yeah! That was another reason I liked Arizona in the first two rounds. I figured they'd be motivated because they were playing for a chance to get to Phoenix! Eh, what do I know. I'm just lucky that the Bruins have clearly been the #1 team in this region, and barring some sort of Gonzaga/George Mason shit being pulled off by WKU, my championship dreams should still be alive as we head to the Final Four. OK, maybe not "alive", but at least equivalent to whatever state Walt Disney's frozen corpse is currently in...."Are the Jews gone yet??"...

The Midwest region of my bracket looks a lot like...well...the Midwest region of this country. There's a lot of screwed up shit in there, and there's just as little hope. They'll get their games goin' on Friday with the team that's done the most work on my bracket to date...


MIDWEST
(3) Wisconsin vs (10) Davidson @ 7:10 pm
(1) Kansas vs (12) Villanova @ 9:40 pm

-The biggest blow to my tourney hopes came when the Davidson Wildcats beat the Georgetown Hoyas. They basically exposed the the Big East champ as mediocre, something I tried to claim all year long, but at least this time I can't really blame my "reverse logic". Unfortunately for me, the Hoyas impressive run to end the season made me flip flop and choose them to run to the championship game, which has left this region of my bracket as dead to me as Johnny Damon's caveman hair-do. I knew G'Town was gonna be in a lot of close games and that I'd need to sweat through virtually all their wins, but I can honestly say their second round exit caught me off guard. Davidson is good 'n everything, I just didn't see that comin. As for the other half of the region? It's just really painful for me to look at. Much like with West Virginia, Villanova was a team that I had in the Sweet 16 in virtually all my ESPN.com and other free contest brackets, but decided to switch at the last minute in all my big $$ pools. Unlike most people I know, I didn't pick Clemson because I thought they were good, I picked them because I thought they'd get lucky and advance. My brain told me they were the best team in their group of 4, but like in so many regrettable hook-up moments, I ignored my brain and let another organ do my thinking for me. NO, that doesn't mean I had a hard on for Clemson, you pervs. It means I went with my gut! Either way, it's pretty ironic that the only team left standing for me from this region is the Kansas Jayhawks. I said before the tourney started that there was no way in Hell they were gonna take home the crown the one year I didn't pick them, and if they make it to the Final Four as the Midwest's rep, then it could be bon voyage to my possible money making opportunity. That my friends, is what we call a nice swift kick to the junk. And at no point to those kicks start NOT to hurt. Trust me, I've received many...

Finally, we come to the South, where the last pieces of the Final Four puzzle will be put into place. The good news here, is that I have both my Elite 8 teams left. That bad news? Hell it's all bad news...


SOUTH
(2) Texas vs (3) Stanford @ 7:27 pm
(1) Memphis vs (5) Michigan St. @ 9:57 pm

-The Memphis Tigers are still holdin' it down for me in the South, and are a good example of a last minute switch gone right...at least for now. While I can lament about not taking West Virginia or Villanova, I had the Pitt Panthers in the Final Four in a lot of my mock brackets, and making that change has actually kept the door slightly ajar for me to make a last minute dash for all the loots. Matter of fact, if it weren't for that miracle fade away throw in by Robin Lopez to beat Marquette, my South region would actually resemble something I would be proud to call an NCAA bracket. Freakin' Lopez twins. Somethin' told me they were gonna screw me, and while it hasn't totally happened yet, I can't say I like the pace they are currently on. Tall bastards. The good news from the South from a fan standpoint, is the possibility of great games that could still yet to be played in the region. Three of the coaches are elite (Calipari, Izzo, Barnes), the programs are experienced and all the teams are playing some of their best ball of the year. Should be fun to watch. Also from the South, comes a reason to believe that even the best of us get things wrong now and then. Since Selection Sunday, ESPN's Bobby Knight was telling anyone that would listen that the Pitt Panthers were his favorite to win this year's title. WHOA!! I mean when the tourney started I would have called that pick "gutsy", but after the Panthers pulled a one-and-done, it's looking downright foolish. Yup, it all happens just that quickly. I don't know, maybe Bob hasn't demoralized enough teenagers lately and he's lost his magic touch. But whatever the reason, it does make me feel good that a guy that's forgotten more college hoops than I could ever possibly know, could himself be so far off as to the outcome of this year tournament. That's the beauty of this thing, after all, and it's what makes me excited to watch these games despite not having a real horse in the race. As for the favorite in this region? Can't say I got one. I guess if forced to pick, I'd take Texas because they're the most balanced. But like I said, my heart and my cash are with Memphis, so I'm hopin' that Guinea Calipari can bring me home the sweet Sazeech!...OK, that came out wrong...


Well now that I got all that NCAA bile and blood out of my system, it's time to finally revisit the other portions of the sporting world. Naturally, I'm gonna kick things off today...on Opening Day...with the defending World Champion Boston Red Sox. They opened their title defense at the crack of dawn today in Japan,




Red Sox Update
Overall: 1-0

-Now I love me some Red Sox, but job or no job there was no way I was waking up at 6 AM to catch the entire season opener from Japan. I did manage to catch from the 6th inning on, however, and while I may have missed an inconsistent Dice K, I caught a lot of action that made me very pleased. Jacoby Ellsbury made a game saving catch in the 8th. Brandon Moss, a late fill in for a "Sore" Nancy Drew, smacked a go ahead RBI in the 6th and a game tying home run in the 9th. Manny continued being Manny, with 2 doubles and 4 RBI, including the 2 go ahead RBI in the 10th. And Paps picked up right where he left off...sort of...dancing his way out of a jam and nailing the door shut on the Sox first win of the year. I'm gonna wait till the Sox are stateside to really start taking this season seriously, but it's always better to start of the year with a win, so my expectations for the Sox this year still remain very high...


News and Notes
-Between the tourney and the Sox, it's been pretty easy for me to forget about the Celtics this week, even if they did pull off one heck of a road trip. The C's became the first team since cable TV to go 3-0 through Texas' big 3, but for some reason I still remain skeptical about their championship aspirations. Granted it doesn't help that after that 3 game sweep they went on to come-from-ahead wins against New Orleans and Philly, but those losses did as little to convince me of their inferiority as the wins did to convince me of their dominance. Maybe it's the fact that the team is stacked with stars that have never been able to get over the hump in the playoffs, or maybe it's because they're depth is entirely too young. I'm not sure. I know they've added PJ Brown and Sam Cassell to help address both issues, but there's just somethin' about this team that when I watch them, I don't see the 2008 champ. Beating those Western teams on their own courts one at a time is impressive, but beating them 4 out of 7 in the the Finals might be another story all together. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Allen, Pierce and Garnett will be able to do together what they were never able to do apart. But they're career records tell you they have trouble winning "series", not winning "games", and until they beat the Pistons in a 7 game playoff series, I'm not gonna give them much of a shot to take home the title. I know that seems like a tall order since they won't play Detroit till the Eastern Finals, and it will look like I'm jumping on the bandwagon if I pick the Celts after they win that series, but until I see them do it, I'm not gonna believe they have a legit shot at being this year's NBA champs...

-Another hot topic in the Hub these days has been the possible acquisition of PacMan Jones by Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots. Granted, the rumor of the Patriots interest was started by Adam Pacman (I pronounce it as if he were a Jew...like Adam Pacman and Associates), but that doesn't mean it's stopped the local media from running wild with the idea of the ultimate bad boy joining the league's model franchise. OK. So a little of the "model franchise" luster has been scuffed off due to SpyGate, but bringing it Pacman would still appear to be a step out of character for the usually calculating front office. I know they've taken chances on bad boys in the past like Randy Moss, Roidney Harrison and Corey Dillon, but comparing those moves to adding the Rain Maker is like comparing strippers to prostitutes. Those guys were team malcontents with maybe a few marijuana charges against them, and this guy spits at bartenders, makes it rain and gets dudes paralyzed. We were mildly surprised when they took chances on those other guys, but I personally will be rather shocked if they decide to take a chance on the currently suspended kick returner and corner, no matter how dynamic they think he can be on the field. It's one thing to hope that your locker room leaders will be able to rub off on a guy and set a good example, but it looks as though what Pacman really needs is a babysitter. I know Tom Terrific has been doing a good job playing errand boy for Giselle, but to think he's gonna drive Adam to and from practice, teach him how to talk to the media, and make sure he's in bed by 11? That just seems like a lot to ask, and a big risk to take when it comes to team chemistry. It's gonna sound hipocritical for me to say, but I think Pacman deserves a shot in the NFL, just not with the Pats. Granted, that chance should probably involve a day-by-day contract and a strip club restraining order, but if the league opens it's arms to juicers and drunk drivers, then I figure they outta give a second chance to the Rain Man as well...

-The Olympic torch was lit in Athens, Greece on Monday, and has begun it's 4 month, 14 day voyage to open the '08 Summer games in Beijing, China. If you actually care about that, then I feel sorry for you. Then again, you're probably the same person that likes Lance Armstrong, owns an eliptical and has special "mixes" set up on your iPod to help get you in the ZONE when you're at the gym, so I already think you're a huge tool anyway. Track and Field sucks. Other countries suck. The Olympics suck. Do you believe in boredom? Yes!!!...

-Now from a boring sport that nobody cares about, to a boring one that many happen to love, golf! I'm not sure what's more amazing. The fact that Tiger Woods finally didn't win (I won't say "lost") an event on the PGA Tour, or the fact that he's become so dominant that we're actually surprised it happened. In my mind, I don't see his 5th place finish as losing or ending a streak, I see it as a sign that his complete dominance allows him to have an off week and still come within 2 shots of taking home a 6th straight title. The guy is flat out amazing, and I hope that just because he didn't take first is going to take away from what he's doing. Do yourself a favor, and watch Tiger this year during the 4 majors. I didn't think so before the year (mostly because it's such a tall order), but the more I watch him play, the more I think he has a realistic shot of taking home all 4 Major titles in one season. If it's an historic event, it's golf and it's destined to happen, then Tiger's the one to bring it home. Everything about him this year says he's gonna do it, and the fact that a 5th place finish is viewed as a disappointment, means that this might be the year his skill and drive and finally on par and in synch with his unquenhable desire to win the Major championships...

-Seeing as everyone loves naked chicks, I figured I'd toss this last story in here just to give you what you've come to love and expect from the super-medium known as the information super highway. These pictures happen to be from "Weird-Face/Hot-Body" contest participant, Audrina Patridge, from MTV's "reality soap opera", The Hills. Here's the link to the pics so you can check them out yourself at WWTD.com (what would tyler durden do). http://wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=3694 I could say more, or try to crack some jokes about the pics, but I believe they speak for themselves. After all, who doesn't like 19 year old chicks that think the only way for them to get ahead in the world is to take their clothes off for the camera?!? Hey, little girl. You want a nice stiff cock-tail before we take these "artistic" photos, or what??


Fantasy Update
I got three words for ya. Bartolo. Colon. Cancer. With fantasy football still a long summer away, I've saddled up with 2 Yahoo! fantasy baseball teams, and christened them both with the hysterically insensitive name using the very 3 words that I just mentioned above. Colon, seen in the picture looking like Jared from Subway pre weight loss meets Side Show Bob, is a fat man with a weird name, a combination I figured would make for a great fantasy team name. Only time will tell if the name has any sort of power, but for now, I'll just relish in the fact that I get to tell people that's my name. Trust me, I've alrady gotten more than a few curious comments from the fellow baseball nerds in my league. I mean what kind of loser plays in two baseball leagues, takes them seriously, all while knowing there's no financial gain to be made at the end of the day? A poor man with a lust for tiny trophies, that's who! I'm a slace to those tiny pieces of virtual gold, and I'll be damned if I don't bring back at least one for all this year's fantasy baseball efforts. Wish me luck!...Or don't. Either way, I still own you....yea, that's right...no matter how bad my bracket may be, I'm still gona claim to be the pimp!! So get used to it, accept it, whatever you have to do. Just don't think any of these bumps in the road are gonna deter me from tearin' up the rest of the track. That's just not my style, not my deal...

Well that's it for me today, boys and girls. Hope you enjoyed. I'll be back in the near future, but probably not until early next week. Figure I'll wait for the rest of the NCAA dust to settle before I unleash the next wave, so you'll have to wait with eager anticiaption until then. And hey, you never know. In one week I might FINALLY have the brand new logo and page setup I've been promised for the past month+. I know it's gonna be pimp, and well worth the wait, but even the biggest of pimps get a little restless from time to time. If it's not up by next week, I'll make up for it with more pics of nude psuedo-celebs...or at least a funny story about Pacman Jones and an Anna Nicole autopsy photo...

Peace in the Middle...and I'll catcha on the Flip...