Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Hey, Jesus! Let Me Get 4 G's On That Pit Bull...

Talk about bogus apologies. When Michael Vick took the podium, moments after pleading guilty to dogfighting charges, he made sure to "speak from the heart" and remind people that he's not an experienced "public speaker". Well, Mikey, I for one am sorry, but I'm not buying your "apology." Listen, people only apologize if they are sorry, or if they get caught, and he is clearly doing the latter. He called his actions "immature" and swore that he would "redeem" himself, but that doesn't even begin to address the immorality of his actions? Immature? Try idiotic. Redeem yourself? Try, you're going to jail man, and you're never going to regain the power, respect and admiration you once had, period. And to claim that he's already found Jesus in all of this? Dude, everyone knows that Jesus is in prison, not at dog fights. Actually, from what I can tell, Jesus must be on the floor of the prison shower, or giving out free tats of himself in the mess hall, so I have no idea how he could find time to mix in a dog fight. So you can say you're sorry all you want, but until you show me you're sorry, I ain't buyin it. You proclaimed your innocence for too long my friend, so for you to say you're sorry now, is just you trying to save your own dog killin' ass.

As for his "plea" agreement, it may not be all it seems. In principle, the agreement is a recommendation from the prosecution to the judge, that the judge can reject, accept, or alter in any way he or she sees fit. So, the charges Michael Vick pled to, which was killing 6 dogs and operating a dog fighting ring, carry a maximum penalty of 5 years. Everyone has been saying he could get as few as 8 months, or possibly just probation, but unless he sings like a canary, I see him doing more like 3 of the 5 years. He didn't cooperate with authorities, he was the ring leader, and he was the last one to plea. All bad news for him when it comes to the judge handing down the sentence.

However, we could be looking at a situation similar to that in the movie Traffic. Remember when that bald guy get's busted movin' coke, and Don Cheadle says to him, "you better make us believe you have a boss, Eddie"? Well, that's what needs to happen here for Vick to get a big decrease on his time. The Feds have convinced the public that Vick was the leader of this ring, so if he can't turn over guys above him, or at least a ton of guys that are at about his level of involvement, then what good is his information? They say they want to bring down dog fighting as a whole, as a culture, but at what cost? IF he truly was the ring leader, and he has nobody above him, then he should do the time, minus a little for saving the state a trial. Three years, Mikey, then it's straight to the Surreal Life house. I expect you should be living with Taylor Hicks, Delicious from Flavor of Love 2, Lindsay Lohan and Tommy Lee's penis. Should be one hell of a season...

Red Sox Update
Overall: 80-51, 1st place in AL East by 8 games
Status: You know me. I don't like to call things until they're over, especially when it comes to the Red Sox, but it's getting dangerously close to calling the Sox '07 AL East champs. Anything short of a sweep this week by the Yanks, in the Bronx, and the Pin Stripers will be at least 7 games back, with only 28 games left to play. Even with a sweep, it'll ge a 5 game lead with 28 to play, but that would still put them at least in shouting distance. I don't want to get into how is Mike Mussina throwing BP up there, or how 25 dollar Bobby Kielty is out slugging 15 million dollar JD Drew, I just want to get to the games already. Here are the pitching match ups for the "Showdown to Decide the AL East: This time, it's personal....again"

8/28 Andy Pettitte (11-7) vs Daisuke Matsuzaka (13-10)

8/29 Roger Clemens (5-5) vs Josh Beckett (16-5)

8/30 Chien Ming Wang (15-6) vs Curt Schilling (8-5)

You couldn't ask for better pitching match ups, right? Let's get it on boys, and let's bring it home. Who's your daddy, now, huh? Fuhgetabouit!

Diamonds Are Forever

*Those crazy Detroit Tigers. If it's not one thing with these guys, it's another. If it's not Joel Zumaya hurting himself playing guitar hero, then it's Placido Polanco' shady errorless streak. And if it's not that, then it's Curtis Granderson hitting triples at a pace that would make Ty Cobb sit up in his grave (and more than likely let a few N-bombs fly, that racist bastard), or Gary Sheffield saying Latin players aren't as gangster as black players. They would be story #1 every day of the week in Motown if it weren't for all the murders, theft, rape and economic depravity in that city. I say swap the Devil Rays, and the Tigers. That way, the losers that like to riot, will get a team worth rioting about, and the good people of Tampa, will finally get a team worth cheering for. Rich get richer, poor get poorer. Done and done...

*If the "you never played, so you don't know what it's like" card doesn't work, then it's always best to pull out the "well you're a retard" card next. I mean just ask wife beating hot head Brett Myers of the Philadelphia Phillies. After giving up two dingers in a blown save that he referred to as "pop ups," Myers was asked by a reporter if he thought they really were just "pop ups," ya know, cuz they left the stadium and all. Myers, thinking it was a stupid question, called it retarded. Then the reporter, being a wise ass in such a way that you can't help respect him, asked Myers to spell retarded, at which point Myers became incensed, and had to be restrained by teammate Pat Burrell. He continued calling the reporter a retard, screaming at him and challenging him to fight, and the reporter stood his ground. The dude knew Myers couldn't touch him, and he knew Myers is just a complete moron to begin with. First off, he was scene on the streets of Boston, beating his wife. Second, who in the hell says that 2 dingers they just served up were really just "pop ups"? Yea, and the Atlantic Ocean is just a puddle, you tard. Own up to your performance, and you won't get wisecrack comments from the peanut gallery. And while I do think it is impressive that a story so fittingly has the words "retard" and "Philadelphia" in it, athletes that try to call out members of the media like that are just sad ,and should be forced to fight Serena Williams in one of Mikey Vick's main events. Who's the tard now, Myers? You freaking loser...

Patriots Update
Overall: 1-2, WON last week 24-7 @ Carolina Panthers
Status: While the Pats absolutely dismantled the Carolina Panthers on Friday in their 3rd pre season game, the story in Foxboro is the return of franchised cornerback, Asante Samuel. Samuel ended his holdout on Monday, reporting to camp and accepting to play for his one year, $7.79 million guaranteed he's owed as the team's "franchise" player. Samuel and his people were hoping that they could at least convince the Pats to promise and not franchise him next year (a proposed $9 mil), but even that seems unlikely. And why would the Pats even consider that? Samuel has a problem with the franchise tag, then he needs to take it up with the player's union. The tag itself may be unfair, and Lord knows it would never fly in the MLB, but it's in the contract you're people bargained for, so you're gonna have to live with it. As for Samuel's impact on the field? Well, I can't imagine it's gonna hurt the team, right? Despite what some conspiracy theorists will try to tell you, he hasn't come back just to dog it and collect his guaranteed loots. In fact, now that he's signed the tag, this year becomes the most important of his career, the year before he can potentially be an unrestricted free agent. Like I said, the Pats will likely franchise him, but if he sucks or suffers a devastating injury, he could find himself on the scrap heap next year with no place to play, or no team willing to pay him what he wants. So he's gonna ball it up, be sure of that. And of course, that only makes the Pats better. Guys like Ellis Hobbs and Notre Dame rookie Michael Richardson have been great in pre season, but they are relatively unproven, and at the very least, still developing. Hobbs is god, but I don't know about #1 corner on a contender good. What the return of Samuel does, is add quality depth to an important position, which is what the Patriots try to do with all their roster moves. I'm glad he's back, and as long as he's in shape and ready to go, I expect him to be on the field, and starting as soon as humanly possible. Bill Belichick and the front office know there's the business side of things, and the football side of things, and they've always done a good job of separating the two. There will be no grudges held. If he's the best we got, then he'll be out there. Period.

*As for the actual game, the Pats dominated in virtually every aspect. My man Stephen Gostkowski struggled again, missing his 2nd and 3rd kicks of the pre season, but I wouldn't worry. The kicks are going straight, he just needs to get them lined up better, which is a much easier problem to fix, at least one would think. I don't want to really talk about the game itself, because I mean it was four days ago, but I do have an interesting stat to share. Everyone talks about the pre season's 3rd game being the real "defining" game, and that if you play well in that game, then it's a real reflection on how your season will be. Well, I wanted to see if that were true, so I did a little investigating, and found some mixed results. In the last 2 seasons, teams that won their 3rd pre season game went on to combine for a 272-240 record (.531), and account for 14 of the 24 playoff spots. Seems like a toss up to me, but I still get the argument. The third game is where your starters play the most, so if you do well, it means your starters did well against another team's starters. Don't tell that to the Cleveland (4-12) and Oakland (2-14) fans, their teams both won game #3 last pre season. How's that workin' out for ya? Just goes to prove that figures lie, and liars figure, kids, and don't you ever forget it. Just a little free advice from Uncle Rooch, to you...

News and Notes
*Well, it looks like Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen are going to have to make due this season without Reggie Miller, or as I like to call him, the spawn of Splinter. Personally, I hope this opens the door for his sister, Cheryl Miller, to make a comeback with the C's. After all, she's always been the better player in the family, and we could use someone to bang down low for those tough boards. I'm fairly convinced she has a unit anyway, and she could totally pass for a guy if she were....well.....breathing. Ha! It's Miller time kids!

*I have to say, I'm liking this "FedEx Cup" playoff system that the PGA has adopted this year. Not because I think it determines an actual champion, the majors do that, but it's just an entertaining format. For those of you not in the know, the playoff system starts with the top 180 players on the money list, and whittles them down over 4 events until there is a champion. The winner, receives a $10 million deferred prize, and can lay claim as the inaugural champion. The first event was the Barclay's, won be Steve Stricker, who overtook Tiger as the Cup leader, since Tiger didn't play. Now sitting in 4th overall, Tiger will be at event #2, the Deutche Bank Championship, which is 5 minutes from my house in Norton, MA. And don't let the "TPC at Boston" fool you, the course is about 45 minutes from the Mass capital. All about the marketing, baby, all about the loots. So like I said, I don't think anyone will consider the winner of this thing golf's actual "champion," I think it's a cool event, a unique format, and should make for some exciting golf to round out the season. Oh, and I can't wait till Tiger wins it by only playing in like 2 of the 4 events....what a menace to the golf course that guy is.

Fantasy Update
Last Week: WON, 11-8-3 vs chisoxfan4life
Overall: 255-204-45 (.551), 3rd place 12 games back

*Honestly, I should have smoked this team like the delicious salmon that it was, but a win is a win. And I know it's going to sound like I'm crying poor with two loaves of bread under each arm, but I can't say I'm too pumped about being 2nd in wins, yet not being one of the teams that's already clinched a playoff spot, or one of the teams to likely receive a first round bye. Matter of fact, it's looking very likely that Frosco and I (yet again) are on course to meet in the first round, and we all know that when it comes to Fantasy, Frosco is the kryptonite to my Superman. Is it because we're in so many leagues together? OR do the fantasy Gods just have it out for me because I talk so much junk? Eh, fuck 'em...bring that weak sauce Frosco, and I'll scalp you like a Seminole ya hick lovin', Skoal chewin', NASCAR watchin', Piggly Wiggly shoppin bastid!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I Have LT on My Fantasy Team and You Don't!

To be honest, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to post anything this week, due to lack of time. But after being called out this weekend by a loyal reader as being "lazy" for only posting once a week, I didn't think I even had a choice but to stand up for myself. Mind you, this fan was also overheard saying that he had the "Jonathan Papelbon of sperm", referring to his combination of efficiency and potency when it comes to closing the deal (I suggested Dennis Eckersley, but was shot down). Yea, that's right, Mr. Danho, I don't ever forget anything! And you know! Now onto the abbreviated smack down....

Red Sox Update
Overall: 75-50, 1st place in AL East by 5 games
Status: I won't lie and say I was upset when Theo shipped Wily Mo to Washington for 3 tins of Skoal and a rosin bag, but he is again looking like quite the idiot. Granted, it's only been 3 games, but all the people that said "if given a chance to play full time, this guy could at least bring some pop to the lineup", are looking like modern day Abner Doubledays. In 11 at-bats, as a starter mind you, Wily Mo is hitting .455 with 2 homers, 3 RBI and (shocker) 3 walks. Gee, an outfielder with pop and great on base ability, huh? Too bad we can't get #5 hitters like that in this town. Oh well, once Drew was on board, there was no place for Pena. And with the team stubbornly sticking with Drew due to the massive amount of casheesh he's costing them, there was no room for Pena, no matter how well he could hit. Anyway, it's over, he'll hit 30 dingers next year some place, and I'm over it. Onto the more pressing matter of the AL East pennant race. With Boston in Tampa, a park where Tim Wakefield remains undefeated (9-0), and New York battling it out with the pesky Angels, bet on the division lead swelling back up a bit. Pundits have been saying for months, that if the Yanks can make the upcoming series (27-30) in the Bronx "meaningful", then they'll have a great shot at taking the division. After all, it was just one short year ago that the Pin Stripers stormed into the Fens and swept a 5 game set on their romp to the division crown for the 9th straight season. And they have made the series mean something, trimming the once 14.5 game deficit to 4 on several occasions. But a series loss at the hands of the Angels, combined with very possible Red Sox sweep in Tampa, and all of a sudden that lead that was once 4 games, is back to 7, with the Yanks heading to Detroit, while Boston travels to the now cellar dwelling Chicago White Sox. I'm on the record as saying that the lead would be 8 by the time Boston rolled into the Big Apple, and I stand by it. The two teams only have 6 games left against each other, and these next three could very well either seal the division for the Sox, or put the Yanks in perfect position to break the hearts of Red Sox Nation yet again. It's all in the next two weeks man, it's these next ten games that could very well make or break either team in their race for the AL East crown. Am I being over dramatic? Maybe. But it's crunch time baby. Time to get in gear. If for nothing else, it's time to make it so when you say "the last time the Sox won the AL East", you don't have to follow it up with names like "Mo Vaughn" and "Kevin Kennedy". Yeah, one works for FOX, and the other owns a car wash in North Attleboro. Think it's time to win one, or what?

Diamonds Are Forever
*Someone needs to turn a hose on Arizona's Brandon Webb, cuz that fool is flat out covered in filth. Webb extended his scoreless inning streak to 42 with a two hit shutout earlier this week against the Braves, putting him only 17 innings behind the record of 59 consecutive scoreless innings set by Orel Hershiser in 1988. While not quite as impressive, I think that record is right up there with Dimaggio's 56 game hitting streak, and could probably be considered the pitching equivalent. Even sweeter for Webb, however, has been the exposure he's been receiving. Even though he's the reigning NL Cy Young king, most people on this coast couldn't tell him from a member of O-Town before this week. Yeah, I'd say 42 scoreless innings will do that to a group of Red Sox and Yankee fans that are always blood starved for top end starting pitching. (In some hole of a bar in Ken-Mohhr Square kid) "Yo, when does that kid Webb hit the mahhhhket dude? Get this man, I cud make a t-shirt with Dice, like in a "web"....dude and then like Schill is lightin' the web on fi-ya...and like Beckett is standin' there with like a supa-man shirt on, cuz you know he's just all wicked good and always chuckin' the bean, dude. And he just has the haaaaht that it takes in this town, kid. Dude I could sell those things to the Rem Dawg, kid, you know I'd make a friggin' fohrchin." Yea, he's that good, kid.

Patriots Update
Overall: 0-2, LOST vs Tennessee 24-27
Status: Randy Moss, Richard Seymour and Laurence Maroney haven't played, yet the only thing that's bothered me about the Pats this pre season has been the offensive line. Whether it's end rushers like Dwight Freeney, Jason Taylor or Shawne Merriman, or quick safeties like Bob Sanders and Troy Polamalu, this offensive line just can't handle speed. And "franchise" left tackle, Matt Light, is the worst offender. I mean seriously, is there any DE in the league that this guy can actually cover one on one? I know the defenders I just mentioned are elite, but shouldn't an "elite" tackle like Light at least give them a good battle, rather than constantly requiring help from another lineman? It's these guys that are the last line of defense protecting Brady, and if he keeps getting exposed to big hits like he did last season and has so far this season, then I promise you we're not gonna like the results. Don't get me wrong, this team has a great defense, and great weapons in the passing game, but without Tom Brady, they look more like a one and done playoff team than a Super Bowl front runner. I mean, have you seen Matt Casell play? And don't give me that Matt Gutierrez shit, either. That guy will be lucky to make the practice squad, no matter how well you jabronies think he played against the Titan's 4th team, another group of dudes that have a better chance of baggin' my eats, than playing on my TV. So, to close things out, I'm worried about the O-line, just not worried enough to call off the 19-0 parade. At least not yet.

*One note on Asante Samuel. My sources are telling me that it's looking more and more likely that the franchised corner will sit out until at least week 6, and at that time the Pats will attempt to trade him. Good thing Ellis Hobbs has looked like the real deal so far this pre-season. Now we just pray that Randall Gay and Eugene Wilson somehow forget that they always get injured and actually stay on the field for a few games, and Rodney Harrison avoids Pittsburgh Steeler douche bags diving at his knees. Hmmm, maybe we should get Earthwind Moreland on stand by, jussssssst in case.

Tackle Box
*For shock value, and for pure entertainment value, I should have led with the Mike Vick plea agreement. But right now, in my world, Mike Vick and his dog fighting fiasco finish a distant 4th to the Sox, the Pats, and all my fantasy teams. Truth be told, he finishes behind hot dogs, poker, Vitamin Water energy drinks, sleep, major bowel movements and delicious iced coffee too, but I can't very well write about those things now, can I? I guess I could, and prolly will at some point, but onto Vick. A top athlete, in the top sport, being sent to jail in his prime, for killing dogs. Think about that for a second. Let it sink in. Prime of his athletic career. Dog murderer. That's some pretty intense stuff. To fall from grace that quickly, and that disgracefully, is just astonishing. It's like if some top NBA star went to Colorado, and boinked some groupie against her will. Or imagine if a legendary athlete murdered his ex wife and her friend in cold blood? Would the sporting world stand for those things? I don't think so! But make no mistake, Mike Vick has been found guilty, and in those other "instances" I mentioned, those guys were not. This guy, has been robbed of his livelihood by none other than himself. Mike Vick is to blame for all the bad things that have happened to him, and he deserves whatever he gets, period. And don't think that just because he has a plea deal for 12-18 months in place that his sentence is indeed going to be that short. Fact: It's at the judge's discretion the amount of time Mikey does, and the maximum penalty he can dish out is 5 years. Fact: Nobody, and I mean nobody does a day less than 85% on any Federal jail sentence. Whether you think Vick was a revolutionary talent, or just an overrated bum, you still have to respect the fact that this guy was just jailed in the prime of his career. Millions of dollars, gone. Why? Because he likes to fight dogs and his friends are all snitches. It's not everyday we see an icon like Mike ripped from the spotlight, and thrown in the clink, and I think if the weight and impact of this whole thing is lost on you, then you should take a deeper look. It's sobering to think about, but we're all just a few bad judgement calls away from our own individual dog fighting scandal...

News and Notes
*I guess game shows are technically sports, but if ESPN tries to pass poker as a sport, then I think this qualifies. Cleveland's biggest nerd, Drew Carey, virtually chopped off his right arm while filming an episode of the "Grocery Game" on the set of his new gig, The Price Is Right. Wait, so fat losers from Cleveland suck at doing physical activities? That's what you're tellin' me, here? Bob Barker goes like 300 years of hosting that show, with that tiny microphone, and the only injury he prolly got was the clap from one of his "beauties." I gotta give Drew a little but of love though. I happened to stumble upon that Power of 10 show, and it wasn't all bad. I was slightly intoxicated at the time, but it seemed winnable, there was big cash at stake, and it was fun to shout answers at the TV. Solid combo. Still, though. Hurting yourself on the set of the Price Is Right is like a kindergarten teacher choking on a wad of paste and glitter. It just shouldn't happen and it's just flat out sketch. At least now they'll have people tuning in each week to see if this putz is gonna get his tie caught in that big wheel and have his head lopped off like Venus Williams. No, not the tennis player....the dog named Venus Williams that Mike Vick decapitated in his back yard....that's right....I went there.....again...

Fantasy Update
Last Week: WON, 13-8-3 vs Nut Huggers
Overall: 244-196-40 (.550), 3rd place 17.5 games back

*Another big win, against another solid opponent. And while I may have been able to score a few more points had I switched a guy here or there, I've been getting really great performances at almost every position. Before, I was juggling to try and find a right group, now I have too many guys and I can't play them all! Lance Berkman, Jose Guillen, Juan Pierre, Adrian Gonzalez, Prince Fielder, Carlos Beltran and Melky Cabrera are all tearing the cover off the ball, yet I can only play like 4 of them at any given time. That's not even counting the offensive output I'm getting from Dustin Pedroia, Luis Castillo and Manny Ramirez. I guess it's a good problem to have, but the last thing I want to do is hurt my team my trying to get all these guys in. It's not like I think I'd be hurting their feelings, I just really want to play them all, all the time! Ahh! On a less stressful note, new pitching staff acquisitions Jake Westbrook and Joe Saunders have peaked just in time, joining with John Lackey, Roger Clemens and Roy Halladay to form quite the reliable stable of arms. No more rolling the dice with Oliver Perez and Derek Lowe for this guy! (at least for another know one of those guys I just mentioned, I simultaneously jinxed) So, I'm still lookin' solid going into the playoffs, and even though I lost 1/2 a game in the overall standings this week, I did move 3 games closer to that #2 spot, and a first round bye. Only two more weeks left, so I gotta hustle....

League Name: Straight Cash Homie! (14 teams)
Team Name: Make It Reign! (always subject to change either on a whim, or due to a lost bet)

QB: Eli Manning, Rex Grossman

RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, Ahman Green, Michael Pittman, Lendale White

WR: Torry Holt, Terrel Owens, Darrel Jackson, Mark Clayton, Eddie Kennison

TE: Alge Crumpler, Eric Johnson

K: Josh Brown

DEF: Philadelphia, Tampa Bay

*I could lie to ya, but I won't. I know it's still pre season, and none of my guys have even made it to day 1 without breaking both their legs, fixing games, or having dogs fight for money, but I pretty much got out of the draft exactly what I wanted. Due to unforeseen work issues, I was forced to pre rank my players at the last minute, and seeing as I only ranked my top 75, I ended up with a few bums towards the end. However, what I lack in depth, I think I more than make up for with my power trio of TO, T-Holt and the #1 overall player in fantasy football last season, LaDanian Tomlinson. Now, I know the best player from the year before usually isn't the best player the next year, but I don't even think I need him to be the best. Sure, I may be understating the vulnerability of my team at QB, TE and RB depth, but I think you may be understating just how dominating my Big 3 can be. I have the league's best running back, and in any argument, two of the league's top 5 receivers. Perhaps a bit nerdy, but I checked, and as the rosters are today, my team "projects" to out score every other team by at least 6 points each week. I know, I know, those don't mean shit, but it's not exactly a negative sign, either. Should be a good season, kids, and hopefully, a profitable one to boot!

*And anyone still interested in joining my Survival Pool, I'll just save myself the trouble and give you all the info you need, right here. Click on the link, and join a private league (you'll need a Yahoo account to join).

League ID#: 2890
Password: randymoss2007

Just make sure you hit me up and let me know you're in, or I'll likely just delete you. Entry is $10, due ASAP, unless you're already in my Fantasy Football League. You pick one winner each week, never the same team twice, and you're in till you lose. Winner take all, and all comers are welcome. Peace in the Middle...

*Oh, and the Iron Sheik is completely insane, as witnessed here.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Miller Time & My All Time Top 5 Athletes

13 Down, 5 To Go
Tiger, Tiger Woods ya'll. It may not have been the dominant weekend performance we're used to en route to a major title, but it was vintage Tiger as he scorched the field to take his 13th major title, and his 4th PGA Championship trophy to date. After firing a 63 on Friday afternoon to take the lead for good, Tiger shot back to back rounds of (-1) 69 in which he seemed like he was more trying to manage and course and his lead, rather than trying to pile on the strokes. The new school Tiger likes to protect his lead, rather than risk it with high risk/reward shots, and that's the way to go. Pundits will still argue that he's never won a big tournament that he didn't lead coming into the final round, but that's really just nit picking. If anything, it shows that when he's on his game, he's untouchable, and when he's not, he's still good enough to be in the mix come Sunday afternoon, more often than not. Not like this most recent win confirms this, but it is a reminder, that Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer of all time, and with only 5 major wins until he ties Jack Nicklaus record, it's more when he'll break the record than if he'll break it. That's what's so great about the guy. He's made it clear since day 1, that he's here to win majors, and he's not stopping until he has the record. We don't have to worry about Tiger leaving the sport in his prime like a Jim Brown or Barry Sanders, he's in it to win it, and he's set to destroy Jack's mark of 18 majors. To put his chase in perspective, Tiger has 13 major titles, and is only 31 years old. Jack, on the other hand, won 10 of his 18 majors past the age of 30, the time and age most people consider the prime of a golfer's career. Imagine that? Tiger isn't even in his prime yet?! That's why he's so fun to watch, and it's why it will probably only get more exciting as he gets closer to the record. He's the man. Just don't miss your chance to watch him on Sundays in the majors, because he's making history, and he's doing it in style. Tiger, Tiger Woods...

Red Sox Update
71-47, 1st in AL East by 4 games
The Yanks are charging hard, the bats are surprisingly silent, and it seems the only thing we learned since the trade deadline is that "Gagne" is French for "Gas Can". Still, I'm only worried about the way the Sox are playing, not how close the Yankees are. I look at it like this. When people said the Sox couldn't play .800 ball all year, I agreed. When people said the Yanks would play sub .500 ball all year, I agreed. So if you think I'm going to sit back and think the Sox will continue only scoring 3 runs a game, and the Yanks will continue scoring 15 per and winning at a .850 clip, then you are again mistaken. I still have confidence that the Sox will begin to hit again, and once Francona gets comfortable with his new bullpen alignment (AKA - he doesn't use Gagne again barring an 8 run lead or deficit) then the wins should continue to roll. It also helps that the schedule is pastry soft until they hit the Bronx on the 28th for a 3 gamer with the Pin Stripers. Looks like that series is gonna mean somethin', huh? Oooooo Eeee, is it hot in here, or is it this pennant race that anyone with a brain knew was on the horizon all season long?

Diamonds Are Forever

*Remember that guy that did a ton of roids? Yea, well he's the new home run king now. Good for him. Now his head actually has a reason to be big, if only hypothetically.

*I totally meant to mention this guy about a dozen times previously, but no there's no getting away from him. That man, of course, is prodigious young pitcher - turned erratic youngster - turned Chuck Knoblauch/Mackey Sasser - turned power slugging minor league out fielder, Rick Ankiel. After going 11-7 with a 3.50 ERA and 194 K's and finishing 2nd in the Rookie of the Year voting in 2000 as a 20-21 year old , Ankiel became straight unhinged in the '00 playoffs. In 3 post season appearances, Ankiel piled up a 15.75 ERA and became so wild he was a unable to even throw it to the catcher's glove. He tried to work the kinks out in the minors, but he had just lost whatever confidence he had previously had, and there seemed to be no way he would ever make it back to the majors. In 2005, Ankiel began his unlikely comeback story, as an outfielder with the single-A Quad City Swing. .270 and 11 HR over 51 games, and it was on to the (AA) Springfield Cardinals where he only hit .234, but managed 10 HRs in just 34 games. In 2007, he was invited to Spring training but didn't make the team and was sent to (AAA) affiliate in Memphis. All he did there was hit .267 with 32 HR and 89 RBI in a shade over 100 games. It was too much power for the scuffling Cards to overlook and they finally made the call. Since being called up, Slick Rick is hitting .375 and more importantly has 3 home runs. What a story. Only time will tell if he can keep it up, and become as good a hitter as he could have been a pitcher, but for now, it's a great story in a year full of bad ones. So let's enjoy. Here's to you Rick, and feel free to come to Boston next year. Brainstorm....if Ankiel can hit, then maybe JD Drew should pitch? Think about it. He sucks at hitting just like Ankiel sucked at pitching, right? Hot damn I'm not to somethin' here.....Theo!!!!

*Yea, I wish there was more baseball news this week too, but there isn't. The "eminent" collapse of the Sox is really the only thing the baseball world has goin' right now. Sure there are great pennant races going on all over the league, but since when does anyone care about the Diamondbacks, the Brewers, or the Phillies. Blah, blah, blah. Like any NL team has a real shot at bringin' this thing home to begin with...

*Oh, I'm sorry. When I said there was no other news, I meant news that didn't involve a Subs fan, a goat, and possibly some scented candles. Arthur Lawton, 63, has been charged with having sex with a goat, a goat that he says he was merely trying to "milk". A fellow employee at the Eatonville Pioneer Farm Museum claims to have caught Lawton in the act, a charge that he vehemently denies. Sure man, you were trying to milk the goat. And Mikey Vick was trying to milk those dogs when he accidentally shot, drowned, buried and electrocuted them. I can see it though, honestly. I've never tried to milk a goat, personally, but all that hair, those nipples and those sexy hooves....well let's just say shit could get intense, right? Annnnnd I just puked in my mouth a little. Oh, and I made that shit up about the dude being a Cubs fan. I just figured, any guy screwing a goat, would have to be a Cub fan, right? Maybe a Raider fan too, or anyone that bets on harness racing for a living. You freaks make me (laugh) sick!

News and Notes

*You know I'm not a NASCAR fan, but I do happen to be a Tony Stewart fan. NO, I've never seen the guy race, and I really couldn't tell you how good a driver he actually is, but I like the way he handles his bizz on and off the race track. I'm just sayin'. The guy has won 3 out of the last 4 races, he pisses off most of the other drivers, and his true fans seem really dedicated to him. Race on Tony. The more you win, the more sound bytes there will be of you ripping NASCAR officials, other drivers, and punk owners. Keep on keepin' on, and feel free to mix in a few punches. Even hitting Dale Jr. or maybe Jeff Gordon with your car wouldn't be a bad thing.

*Don't look now, but Danny Ainge is just a Jacque Vaughn away from making the 2007 Celtics, a reincarnation of the 1996-97 Kansas Jayhawks. With Raef LaFrentz fresh out the door, and Scot Pollard on his way in, Ainge and crew need only add former Jayhawk PG Jacque and wrestle Eric Chenowith and Jeff Boschee away from their Euroleague teams / 9-5 suit jobs / construction jobs for their father in law, and they'll be all set! Not to mention, the C's announced they signed Pollard at the same time they announced the signing of Arizona St.'s best player that never fixed games, Eddie House. Not too shabby, Danny. I mean, people wanted Marcus Camby and Troy Hudson, and you gave them Scot Pollard and Eddie House. That's like asking for P-Funks, and getting Marb Menthol Light 100's, right? Still, these guys add quality depth in two positions that C's needed it badly, so the moves are good ones. They might not be the guys we wanted, or expected, but you really can't win 'em all. And last time I checked, Ainge already landed Ray Allen and the Big Ticket, so we'll cut him some slack. As long as House doesn't start jacking up 3's, and Pollard does grow back his ill mutton chops circa 1997, everything should turn out jussssst dandy.

*Meanwhile, Celtic fans also want to know the odds of Reggie Miller coming out of retirement to play for the Green and go for the ring in '07-'08. So far, I guess I would have to say so good. Word from those close to Miller say he's been working out a lot recently to see if his body will respond like he hopes. And as far as the Human Rat possibly coming back and playing for another squad? So NOT true. Miller's people and those close to the situation are all saying that Reggie is strictly thinking about a return to play with Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett in Boston. He may look like an Rat from another planet, but he shoots like a man from another universe, so we'll take him. Worse comes to worse, and he can always flop his way to the foul line 5-8 times a game, right?

*Oh and one final note on the C's. Boston captain, Paul Pierce, hung out with none other than Stevie Wonder this weekend at The Truth's charity basketball event in LA, and had this to say about the legendary blind entertainer: "I swear he can see." Trust me Paul, if he can see, then the joke is on us, but there's no way you would have been the one to crack that case.

*All I'm askin' for, is that you don't lie to me. The Miami Heat are set to announce that their head coach, the legendary Pat Riley, will return as their coach next season after signing a new 3 year contract. Right. So I'm supposed to believe that a guy who has wrestled for months on whether or not to return next season, has all of a sudden had an epiphany and decided he's good through 2010? Just call it what it is here people, a golden freaking parachute! Why even try to hide it? Everyone and their brother knows Riles won't be around until 2010, and that the deal is just a security blanket from the team, a grandiose show of gratitude. Just don't lie to me people. cuz I'll see right thru the shit! You think Pat Riley signed back up to coach the newly acquired Penny Hardaway? He's in it for the pennies all right, but the one's that come in truck loads, not the ones that have look-a-like puppets more noteworthy than their own career. That was Tyra Banks fool!!

*It's been a while since I ripped the good folks at ESPN, but this latest beef I feel is well deserved. There must be a memo going around the campus at Bristol, encouraging analysts and on air personalities to use the word "retard" (as in fire retardant, not "re-re"). I mean it's almost like they are getting paid on a "per use" basis. All of a sudden, starting a rookie QB starting too too soon will "retard" his growth, or being late to camp will "retard" his mental growth. Bringing a starting pitcher up to the pros to pitch in the bullpen will "retard" his development", changing coordinators might "retard" the progress of the young offense. If you guys are trying to desensitize the word, or prove you're smart enough to use it correctly, point taken. Just stop using the word as if you're holier than thou. We know what it means. And if I wanted grammar and vocabulary lessons, I'd turn to TLC or pick up a book, not tune into the world wide leader in sports! If you say the word "re-tard", guess what, that means you probably are one (that is, you are a re-re). Gotta admit though, watching Mike Greenberg say retard over and over again kind of seems like poetic justice. That stupid metro midget...

*I heard any interesting argument on the radio this weekend, about the top 3 athletes of all time. People were calling in with their lists, and it got me to thinking who would be in my top 3. The more I thought about it, the more I figured if I were to truly make a list, it would have to only include players that I myself had seen play (on TV counts), and I would need 5 slots on my list, not just 3. I always say you can only intelligently comment on a sporting event if you yourself were alive and "sports conscious" during it, hence only people I've seen, and 5 slots because I'm too stubborn to narrow my list. And when I say "athlete", I'm talking about guys that were physically, and mentally dominant in their sport, and were so good, that other's in their own game often marveled at their achievements. So here it is, the best athletes in all of sports, as seen through these two eyes...

Honorable Mention: Barbaro - That dead, glue smellin' bastard. Ha! Just foolin'....but seriously, watching that horse die wasn't nearly as bad as it sounds when you say it out loud. (chuckle, chuckle...yea so make that reservation for one, to burn for all of eternity...) Nah, I really put him on here because I hate when people put Secretariat on lists like this. The only horses here, have huge hooves, and pull a sleigh full of delicious Budweiser beer. God bless those large 4 legged hoofed dogs...

5. Roger Federer
*He's won 11 major titles, and he just turned 26 on August 8th. People who know the game will tell you that he may already be, skill wise, the best tennis player ever. You gotta figure by the time he's done, he'll have a career grand slam, and all the records the pro tennis tour has to offer. He's smooth, he's powerful, and though he's quiet, he has the presence to command the respect of his opponents and the admiration of his fans and fellow players.

4. Michael Jordan
*A lot of people might be surprised to find Jordan this low on the list, but it's not meant as a sign of disrespect in any way. Jordan is arguably the greatest guard the NBA has ever seen, and his 6 Finals MVP's in his 6 NBA title runs may never be matched. He revolutionized the game, not only taking it above the rim, but taking it deep into commercial marketing as well with his Hanes, Gatorade and Nike campaigns, and his fingerprint will always be visible on the game. Arguably the greatest player of all time, just not the best baller on my list. That guy happens to be...

3. Shaquille O'Neal
*At 7'2", and 325 pounds, Shaquille O'Neal has been the most dominant center the NBA has seen since the days of Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain. He captured 4 NBA titles in his 6 Finals appearances with the Magic, Lakers, and more recently, the Miami Heat. I have Shaq ahead of Jordan, because while there are no other players comparable to the skill of MJ, there are not players even remotely like Shaquille O'Neal, period. Since he entered the league, he's commanded double and triple teams, and even inspired the "Hack-A-Shaq" defense in which teams tried to win by making the Big Aristotle shoot free throws. Either way, Wilt Chamberneezy has always found a way to win, with a few monster jams, and a few quick puns. He's the most dominant basketball player of my generation, and it's possible we might not see a big man with his athleticism and agility in another 10-20 years...

2. Ken Griffey Jr.
*During his prime years with the Seattle Mariners('89-'99), Junior Griffey was the absolute definition of a "5 Tool Player". Whether he was hitting tape measure home runs (like off the Baltimore warehouse in the HR Derby), or bringing them back into the park, he was simultaneously the most talented, and most entertaining player in the game. He was the Willie Mays of our era, and he was destined to become the all-time home run leader. Sure injuries may have sidelined the prodigal son once he arrived in Cincinnati in 2000, but his decade in Seattle is what gets him to the #2 spot on my list. Here is what he averaged during his 10 years with the M's: (.299 BA / 37 HR / 105 RBI / 30 2B / 15 SB) Oh yea, and he won the Gold Glove for his position every year from 1990-1999. He was the Kid, he was Junior, he was the total package. He may eventually be eclipsed in greatness by A-Rod, his Seattle protege so to speak, but for now, he's the best I've ever seen, and on my opinion, the 2nd greatest athlete of my time. And I just noticed something. Everyone on this list, but Shaq, is a key member of the Nike advertising stable, with my top athlete being their current #1 sugar daddy...

1.Tiger Woods
*He's the very picture of poise under pressure. He single-handedly brought fans to a sport. He revolutionized the game of golf. He is, Tiger Woods. In a game where no one person was meant to dominate, we're surprised when he doesn't win. He's opened the game up to everyone, young and old, no matter the skin color, and he's done it all with a huge grin on his face, and a passionate fire in his eyes. There's never been a greater competitor in any sense of the word, at least in my lifetime. And I think when all is said and done, Tiger Woods will not only go down as the greatest golfer of all time, but the greatest athlete as well. When you have more green jackets than you do socks, and Chris Rock is singing about you on his comedy CD, you've truly transcended the game, and the culture. Long live T-Woods. The man, the myth, the living legend and in my opinion, the greatest athlete of my lifetime.

Real Honorable Mention: Alex Rodriguez, LaDanian Tomlinson, Jerry Rice, Andre Aggasi, Deion Sanders, Michael Johnson, Wayne Gretzky, Kobe Bryant

Tackle Box
*As if it weren't funny enough that Pacman Jones appeared in an event for TNA Wrestling (props to them though, because I had no idea what TNA or "Total Nonstop Action" was before this. I mean I won't be watching, but like they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity.), when I found out the specifics of the actual event, I actually began swelling up with tears of laughter. This thing took place on a Universal Studios sound stage, and there were about 1,000 people actually in attendance. Wait, were they filming an episode of Tyler Perry's House of Pain, or were they putting on a pseudo athletic mix of roids, entertainment, roids, B-listers, and oh yea, roids? Pacman Jones is a pathetic loser, and the more we get to know him, the more it's blatantly obvious. Clean up your act and come back to the league, or lose yourself in the underworld of C-lo, hookers and fake entertainment, and never appear on my TV again! He who makes it rain, must suffer the pain!

*Ya know, you really gotta love the stories that teach you multiple lessons, don't cha? Example. Britt Reid, the 22 year old son of Eagle's head coach, Andy Reid, pleaded guilty to charges that stemmed from a road rage incident and will receive anywhere from no time to 22 months in prison (oddly enough, it was only days after his older brother had pled guilty to a drug related incident that happened on the same day, those crazy kids!). So to recap. The kid was charged with brandishing a gun at a fellow motorist, initiating an incident of road rage, speeding, endangering others, possession of an unregistered firearm, and possession of drugs, and he "might" get up to 22 months in prison. Now, I'm no law expert here, but I see dudes on Dog the Bounty Hunter on the regular that get canned for a year because they had a little ice on them when they were caught missing court! So, lesson learned here. Rich people can do whatever they want, and can usually find a way to pay their way out of it. The second lesson I learned, was that when it comes to hire an attorney to get you out of some serious shit, it's all in the name. You know how you like the way certain law firm names roll of your tongue, right? Just sounds like a winner. You gotta think that's the mentality the Reid's had when they hired defense attorney, William Winning. I shit you not. I can see this guy's ads on TV right now, and let me tell you, they involve ambulance lights, a man getting hurt on a construction site, and a phone number that has a catchy phrase like 1-888-GO-N-WINN, or 1-800-WIN-LOOT. What a bunch of charlatans. And you just know the dude's real name is Benjamin Santoro or Harvey Schweitzman. Bunch of frauds, lawyers. But hey, when you get caught waving a gun at people on the highway, they tend to come in handy, wouldn't you say? Rich bastards...

*Yea, yea, I know the Pats played this weekend, but the first game of the pre-season does NOT warrant the 2007 return of my Patriots Update. Look for it coming soon, when the games actually mean a little something, and when we can recognize at least 3/4 of the names on the back of the jerseys. 19-0 bitches, 19-0...I'm sure you can all wait a few more weeks before I start pouring it on with Patriot smack. You know, how your team has NO chance of winning the Super Bowl? OR Pay rent bitches, this is our house! You know, stuff like that. Oooooo Eeee the anticipation is killin' me!

Fantasy Update

Last Week: WON, 15-8-1 vs Butt Ticklers
Overall: 231-188-37 (.547), 3rd place 17 games back

*Another smashing performance by my boys this week, but yet another week where I'm not quite sure how or why I won. In a real game, my team was toast because I lost both ERA and batting average. But somehow, through this wacky system, my team was better, and they romped on to victory. So that's 34-13-1 over the past two weeks, with a chance to battle with the team right behind me in 4th. Still looking very solid for a push deep into the playoffs for my tiny trophy, but what I really want is that first round bye, man. That'd be sweet. I'm still 15.5 games behind 2nd place, but at the pace I've been going, I should be able to gobble that up in 2 weeks tops. Just in time, hopefully, for the playoffs, which start September 3rd.

*For all you football and fantasy honks out there, and I know there are tons of you, I got a little proposition for ya. I created a winner take all Survival Pool on Yahoo!, and I'm inviting anyone that's interested to join. You pick a game every week, and never the same team twice, until you lose. The last man standing gets all the cash. Inquire within to join, but don't wait, because once the season starts, you're flat out of luck. $10 to enter, and you can enter up to (2) times. Hope to take your hard earned loots! Peace in the middle...

*Oh yea..and here's some more funny Lil Penny commercials. That Lil Penny sho is funny!...enjoy

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Tiger Rors, Stanley Steams and a Moose Hits Coke

Teeny Weeny Sabbatini
You don't wear white after Labor Day, you don't go hunting with Dick Cheney, you don't attend strip club's with Pacman Jones, you don't allow Penus Williams to be on top, and you don't freaking mess with Elderick "Tiger" Woods. Pretty easy list to follow if you ask me, but apparently not so easy for the tiny but chunky South African, Rory Sabbatini. After the Wachovia Championship earlier this year, that fat midget said he thought Tiger was "as beatable as ever," to which Tiger responded by saying he had more wins this year (3) than Rory had in his whole career. There hadn't been much talk of the war of words since, until the two were paired together in the final round of the Bridgestone World Golf Championship event. Sabbatini opened the final round at (-4), one shot clear of Mr. Woods, and had the perfect opportunity to show everyone just how "beatable" the world's #1 actually was. Well, apparently not that beatable, you dumb South African weeble. After 5 holes, Tiger had turned a one shot deficit into a 4 shot lead, and he never looked back on his way to a 5-under 65 on the day, and an 8-under, 8 stroke win, the 6th time he's won the event, and the 2nd time he's 3-peated. And don't think it wasn't personal either. While Tiger stayed stoic and focused on crushing the field, Sabbatini was obviously caught up in the the hype he himself created. While making the turn, and already down 7 strokes, Rory had a fan in the gallery kicked out of the event when he asked Rory "how beatable does he look now?". Ha! Rory flipped, asked the man to be escorted off the course, and then promptly hooked his drive into yet another set of trees. Come on now Rory, you gotta know better than challenging Tiger. Didn't you learn anything from Stephen Ames, who made similar comments before the Match Play Championships, only to get his clocked cleaned by Tiger 9 & 8? Just don't call Tiger out, people! I want someone to honestly come up and challenge him as much as the next guy (as long, of course, as it's not a cocky Spaniard or a fat lefty), but the way to do it isn't to call him out on the media. Take a page out of the Vijay Singh book. Practice, practice, practice, and hope for the best. That's the only way you're gonna beat Tiger. I think it's pretty evident by now, that calling him out is not the way to go. On the plus side, now that Rory Sabbatini is out of the media spotlight, having failed to defeat the "beatable" giant, he can get to work on dropping say 20-30 pounds. I guess you never realize some things until you watch them on TV for 5 hours, but that is one round South African. I know golf doesn't require tons of athletic ability, but come on and humor us a little. I mean damn, looks like the fool swallowed a slightly smaller South African before he hit the tee. You'd think walking 18 holes, and tossing out spectators, would be a good enough workout to drop a few LB's, but I guess not. And since running his mouth isn't an option for exercise anymore (unless he feels like getting his plump ass kicked again), it looks like he'll have to take up cricket, or lawn bowling, or whatever the hell it is the do in South Africa. Tiger Woods: Putting foreigner wind bags in their place since 1997. Tiger, Tiger Woods Ya'll...

Red Sox Update
Overall: 68-44, 1st place in AL East by 6 games
Status: It's weird. The Sox lead over the rest of baseball keeps getting bigger (currently 2.5 games over the Angels and 4.5 over the Mets), but the lead in the AL East doesn't seem to move. Eh, whatever. The Sox can't help that the Yanks are playing well, and the best they can do is keep winning themselves, and it should all be straight. I know that's about as corny as it gets, but that's how it is. And maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the fact that the Blue Jays are the first above .500 team the Yanks have played since the All-Star break, a span in which they are 18-6. Just maybe, right? Anyway, on to more pressing Sox news. No, neither of these stories is actually related to the play on the field, but they're important to Red Sox Nation nonetheless. First, of course, is the fact that the Seattle Mariner's mascot, the Mariner Moose, almost ran over Coco Crisp between innings with an ATV! It doesn't appear that he was trying to take Coco out, but it was a serious scare. Who'd have thought we would have been saying that an injury to Coco could be costly a year ago, huh? Either way, since Coco wasn't hurt, it means the whole event is just flat out hilarious. I know most of you have seen it a million times already, but for those of you on the outside looking in (Frosco) on this one, here it is...

Now, onto the second issue, which deals with NESN's lovable broadcast tandem of former Sox 2nd baseman, Jerry Remy and the hired gun, or the "human thumb," Dandy Don Orsillo. It's bad enough that supposed Boston die hard, but actual super fraud, Bill Simmons, is taking runs at Remy and his candidacy for Red Sox Nation President, but to have NESN criticizing the broadcast duo is just redonkeytricks. A vicious rumor has been circulating that the suits at NESN have told the charismatic and giggly broadcast team to tone down the humor and the sideshow distractions, and focus on the game. I really hope that isn't true, because those guys are the shit. Sure, I can understand if some people think they wander too far from the action on the field on many occasions, but they never let their antics interfere with the integrity of the game. If it's a close game, or an important game, then they take it very seriously. But when it's a blowout either way, they like to talk about playing air guitar, Wally the Green Monster, or Rem Dawg Nation. Fact is, Sox fans love Don and Jerry. They love how they are, they love what they do, and they love their interaction with each other and the fans. If NESN knows what's good for them, they'll just sit back, shut up, and let Rem sell as many of those Wally the Green Monster lawn chairs that he wants. They're the best in the business, and should be left to their own devices. Rock on fellas! Rock on!

Diamonds Are Forever *Some roided out dinosaur lookin' fool hit his 755th homerun this week. That's all I got for ya...

*Oh, and some lip stick wearing metrosexual hit his 500th dinger this week. He'll prolly eventually pass the guy shot full of cow hormones, but not before Jose Canseco can write a few books about how "all Spanish guys do roids and then talk about it in Spanish to fool all the white owners." Thanks "Hose," but shouldn't you be in makeup getting ready for your appearance on that new celeb bull riding show? Oh, your agent didn't call you for that one? Damn man, tough break...

*In non borderline homo or giant headed roid freak record setting news, I give you Billerica, Massachusetts native, Tommy Glavine. This Sunday, with his Mets victory over the Cubs, Tom Glavine became what many are calling the last 300 game winner in baseball history. What a feat. What's even more impressive though, if you ask this guy, is how Glavine did it. He never had dominating stuff, never brought a high 90's heater, or a 12 to 6 hook, yet he always got the job done, winning 10 games or more 18 times, and collecting 2 Cy Young Awards over his 21 year career. Even more impressive than all that is this. In his 2+ decades in the major's, Glavine didn't spend a single day on the disabled list. You heard right. In the age of pitch counts, Tommy John surgery, and bullpen specialization, Glavine managed to stay in shape, stay effective, and stay on the field. So congrats to you Tom. You were one of my favorite's in my youth when I was a hue Braves fan, and you continue to be one of my favorite players to watch. Not to mention, the story I still tell to this day, about how you broke Neal and Scottie Donahue's (good friends of Now You Know) father's cup in a hockey game back in the day with a mean slapper. Priceless. This one, Tommy, is for you....Way to go man. And just think, maybe another 300 wins and you could actually land Heather Locklear! (from the looks of his wife, though, I think he's all set in the hot blond department)...

*You gotta love the Cubs. Just when they crawled back from the dead, and into a tie for first in the NL Central, a true freak coincidence occurred that might derail the season just enough to keep fans wanting more for yet another long Chicago winter. On the same night that the oft injured and once prodigious Kerry Wood came back from his 3rd major arm surgery in the last 4 seasons (appeared in his 26th game in the last 3 seasons; over that time he's made more than $30 million), star slugger Alfonso Soriano went down for the next month with a torn quad. Either there's something to this curse they got goin' on, or they just suck at life. Seeing as I hate the Cubs (until Mark Cuban buys them that is), I'm going with the latter. Here's laughing at you, Cub fan.

*Major League Baseball umpires say they won't submit to background checks unless MLB is willing to come to the negotiating table and redo the ump's current contracts. I can't say I blame the umps, but in light of the whole Tim Donaghy betting scandal, a little bit of good faith wouldn't hurt here. I understand that they have rights, just like any other union, but they should at least say they are in favor of such background checks. Whatever happened to everyone having the best interest of the game at heart, anyway? Oh right, the owners lied about roids, the players lied about roids, agents and GMs are all blood suckers, and the umps all feel they are above the game. Good faith negotiations in baseball? What the hell was I thinking?!

News and Notes
*How does the saying go? Oh, that's right. You can take the man off of the And1 bus, but you can't take the And1 bus out of the man. Houston Rocket guard, and former Mix Tape staple Rafer "Skip to my Lou" Alston, was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault and public intoxication this weekend after allegedly grabbing, shaking, and spitting on a parking attendant while his car was being towed. Of course, Mr. To My Lou is denying the whole account, but what else did you expect? I know everyone is innocent until proven guilty in this country (unless you love dog fighting that is), but excuse me if I don't rush to Alston's defense. I'm sorry, but NBA players have about the same credibility as the Bush White House, and almost as many weapons. Just another case of a dirty player, from a dirty league, doing things. And no, there's no truth to the rumor that Alston tried to cross up the parking attendant, got his money taken, and was so embarrassed that he started pummeling him into the ground. That only happens, well, on the And 1 Tour. I just hope that dude with the microphone that's always on the court in the And 1 tapes was there giving a play by play of the beat down. Ohhh baaaaby! Ohhhh baaaaaaaaaaaby! Ohhhhh shit here come the cops!

Tackle Box
*Someone needs to talk to Danny Bonaduce, because he's obviously the one giving Pacman Jones career advice. Either that, or it's Screech and his awkwardly large man unit (or so I've read). According to his agent, P-Money is prepared to take on a role in the TNA (some wrestling "league") as a corner or "hype man." Really? So in a day where wrestlers are killing their families on roid rages, and you yourself are suspended from the NFL for being a thug, you think it's a good idea for you to remake yourself as a wrestling bad boy? What's next PacIdiot? Gonna use the rest of your loots to finance Spice World II? Seriously, there are bad decisions, and then there are just stupid people. If he wants to become a media bad boy, then he's well on his way, but these actions are definitely not of a man who's trying to ready himself for a return to the NFL as a model citizen. Let's just hope he doesn't decide to make it rain in the ring, though. If shit hit the fan at the strip club, imagine tossing bills at the feet of roided out circus freaks that have prolly spent the last week packed in the back of a mini van and fed only rations of protein shakes and Ritz crackers. (WHAT?!?!?!!?!?!....Roid fight!)

*Patriot fans had a little scare this week when Randy Moss limped off the practice field at Foxoboro Stadium, but for now, it all seems to be "straight cash, homie." It's always tough to tell when it comes to muscle injuries, especially in the leg, but the early reports have been pretty good. I'd say you shouldn't expect to see Randy until prolly the second pre season game, just as a precaution. Good news is, while Moss went on the shelf, Donte Stallworth came off it, attending his first practice in New England. Gotta love the revolving door of All Pro wideouts....and speaking of dank receivers....

*I always tell people that I think I know more about sports than own age. It's important that you remember that fact, because when it comes to being able to recall facts of any kind, there's a major difference between having read about it, and having lived through it. Therefore, I can only expect myself to recall with great accuracy and detail, events that I was alive for, so I can remember the event itself, and all the circumstances that surrounded it. So, why am I bringing this up? No, not just to say how smart I am, although you may chose to pick that as the reason if you wish. This week, the New England Patriots began their new fan voting format for the Patriots Hall of Fame, and their first inductee was WR Stanley Morgan (beat out Ben Coates and Ron Burton). Admittedly, about 5 years ago I wouldn't have known Stanley Morgan from Joe Morgan (racist bastard), even though he played 13 seasons ('77-'89) for my favorite team. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was 6 when he left New England, or that most of the teams he was on were awful, and therefore never really talked about. But when I actually took a look at the man that was Stanley Morgan, a man that most Patriot fans older than I, grew up with, I found not only a man worthy of the Patriots Hall of Fame, but a clear snub from the NFL Hall of Fame. Here's what I mean. Take a look at the regular season stat comparison between 3 guys in the Hall, and Stanley Morgan. See if you can pick him out / no way in hell you can, because I couldn't...

Player A - 557 rec / 10,716 yards / 19.2 yards per catch / 72 TD

Player B - 750 rec / 11,904 yards / 15.9 yards per catch / 65 TD

Player C - 336 rec / 5,462 yards / 16.3 yards per catch / 51 TD

Player D - 537 rec / 8,723 yards / 16.2 yards per catch / 63 TD

OK. Think about it for a minute before you pick....Here's the breakdown of who's who. Player A, is Stanley Morgan. Player B, is Michael Irvin. Player C, is Lynn Swann. And Player D, is John Stallworth. All the other 3 are in the Hall of Fame, and Morgan isn't. Seem right to you? I never had the appreciation for Morgan, because I had never seen him play until a few years ago, but now that I know, he's become one of my causes. A Hall of Fame without Stanley Morgan, isn't a real Hall of Fame at all. Oh, and one other thing those 3 other guys have in common? They all have Super Bowl rings, and Stanley Morgan only has one Super Bowl appearance. His fault? Was it totally Irvin or Swann that won those rings? It's just stupid...

Fantasy Update
Last Week: WON, 19-5-0 vs Small Nuts Big Head
Overall: 216-180-36 (.542), 3rd place 22.5 games back

*In the words of central New York car magnate, Billy Fuccillo, that win was HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE. I trimmed 12.5 games off of my deficit, my team played well, and I managed to pull off another trade to help solidify my know injury plagued offense. Now if only my new aqcuisition, Yanks OF Melky Cabrera, can keep up his hot hitting, and I might have a shit at taking down the first place squad this week. Ohhhhh the Melk Man delivers!!! Thanks John Sterling (Yanks radio voice).

*And just to end on the most bizarre note possible, there's this story. Kirk Steven Ardern, a prisoner in some Florida jail, is suing the prison and the state corrections department for physical and mental harm he endured due to a practical joke played on him by the prison guards. No, they didn't play "drop the soap," but oddly enough, they did play "hide the sausage." I shit you not. According to Ardern, the guards had him hold a package, which he was told was drugs and cash, up his ass until he could deliver it to another man outside the prison walls. When Ardern went to make the hand off, he was busted, and interrogated as if he were actually in possession of contraband drugs. Hell, they wanted to fuck with him. He never saw what was in the package, so how would he know what was inside right? Problem was, the only thing he had hidden up his ass, was a raw sausage wrapped in paper and cellophane. Now, Ardern wants compensation for his embarrassment, and you're damn straight he's probably gonna get it. I'm confused though, isn't the whole reason we caged those fools was so we could degrade them? What's a little sausage up a dude's butt in the name of justice? I say next time, the guards use a guy that's already sticking shit up his ass, whether it be a shiv, a shank, or...well....ya know...and play the prank on them. Something tells me they would be a little more...ummm...receptive? Ewwww. I think my ass just cried a little when I wrote that....