Thanksgiving time is a busy one in my life, so excuse me if I didn't get to a full edition this week. And if you believe that, I have some rather angry dogs and a nice big house in Virginia I'd love to sell ya. Truth is, I've been more lazy than bust, so this is what you're gonna get. Don't worry, I'm all over the latest news with Mike Lowell (he signed), the Celtics (they finally lost), Nick Saban said some dumb shit (yeah, again) and Mike Vick (he went to jail...before he was sentenced) and I'll get back to it next week, but for now all you're gonna get is my Week 12 NFL Picks. Seeing as I'm in a festive mood, I'm picking the 3 Thanksgiving Day games and then then filling in 3 additional games to round out my weekly selections. I hope you enjoy, I hope you can parlay that enjoyment into some possible financial gain, and above all, I hope you and yours have a Happy Thanksgiving. Don't forget, we're celebrating the slaughter of this country's indigenous people by the White Man. So pass the cranberry sauce!!
Turkey Day Picks
Green Bay Packers (-3) @ Detroit Lions
*Gotta love the traditional Turkey Day match up, right? Sure, most years these two teams are about as relevant to East coast sports fans as surfing, soccer, wrestling, and pretty much anything going on west of the Mississippi, but you gotta watch, right? Maybe Barry Sanders isn't able to WOW us anymore, but we do have Brett "the Pharmacist" Favre, right? Come on, he's slingin' it around the yard, and besides, you only really need to catch glimpses between delicious bites of culinary mastery, right? That's part of the beauty of this match up. The game will be entertaining enough to provide a few ooo's and ahhh's during the drive for the appetizers, but not close enough to require any serious watching. So, while I'd love to root for Jon Kitna and Lions in this one, their offensive line is just way too leaky. I expect Favre to be Favre, and throw a few TDs, and the Green Bay defense to make the lead stick. It's bound to be another disappointing Thanksgiving in Detroit, but seeing as it's no different than any other day in that porta-potty, I doubt anyone will even bat an eye. My only wish is that John Madden could be there to hand out 25 Turducken legs to all his Thanksgiving MVPs. Brett Favre? John Madden? Loads of greasy bird arms? Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Boom!! It's a chicken, in a duck, inside a turkey! Boom!!
Dallas Cowboys (-14) vs New York Jets
*On one hand, the Jets just beat the Steelers last week. On the other hand, the Jets suck, and the Cowboys just convincingly beat down the Redskins with one of the non-Patriot offensive performances of the season. Gee, I wonder which hand I should take? That's like having a hand full of $100's, and another hand full of dead hooker panties. Sure, at one point those panties looked good, but you know as good as I that you can't very well touch them without having to dismember your hand, or at the very least let it soak in bleach for a solid 72 hours before you dare touch yourself again. Anyway. The moral of that disturbed analogy, is to take the Cowboys, and in a big way. That win over Pittsburgh may have done a lot for the confidence of a struggling Jet team, but that "high" won't be nearly as good as the "low" following this prime time holiday beatdown. Can't wait to see you in Foxboro, Mangina! We got some presents for ya!
Indianapolis Colts (-12) @ Atlanta Falcons
*Nothin' goes better on Thanksgiving with all the turkey, mashed potates and stuffing like a good dog fight, wouldn't you say? Oh, wait. No good? Then how about a good episode of Fat Albert? Hey! Hey! Hey! Right? Not down for that, huh? Well, neither are the Falcons, and with Mikey gettin' a head start on his prison time, and Fat Leftwich injured again, it's time to push the turkey aside for a big serving of PIG. As in Joey, "The Pig" Harrington. I don't care if Adam Vinatieri is breakin' windshields in the parking lot, and Peyton Manning is sitting behind a line made of actual street bums. Rest assured that Joey Harrington will provide the necessary interception for a TD, or "Pick 6", securing the Indy victory and the cover of the spread. So sit back, relax, and enjoy your pie during this one. Of course, only if you get the NFL network...DUN! DUN! DUN!
Week 12 Picks
Kansas City Chiefs (-5.5) vs Oakland Raiders
*Maybe this is a little backlash of finally being able to watch KC on TV this week against the Colts, but I'm feelin' the Chefs. Great Googly Moogly!! No, hell hasn't frozen over. I still think the offense is suspect at best (especially with no Larry Johnson, and now no Preist Holmes), and I still think Herm Edwards is about as smart as he is a good public speaker, but there's somethin' about that defense that just gives me confidence in their match up with the Raiders. I mean D-End Jared is a straight man beast. Banged up or not, he made a mockery of that Indianapolis offensive line, and I have a gut feeling he'll do the same this weekend against Oakland. Defense wins games, baby. And like Herm says..."We play to win the games!" I'm sure he's got a whole stash of those deep mental notes for us somewhere in that desk of his. I'm just waitin' on the next gem to come rollin' out! Do you practice to get ready? What league is this?!?
New England Patriots (-22) vs Philadelphia Eagles
*Come on, it's the freaking Holidays! Of course I'm taking the Pats this weekend! Even though it was a little tough for me to find a spread, seeing as a lot of places are apparently not taking any action on this game, I still managed to find a line I was willing to throw all my logical and unbias support behind. To be honest, the spread could have been 42 and I was still going to take the Pats here. They destroy everyone they play, and teams they seem to have some sort of grudge against, they flat out embarass. And whether he's playing or not, don't think New England has forgotten Donovan McNabb's "can we get our ring?" comment in the wake of "Spygate". In jest or not, giving the Patriots motivation is comparable to giving George Bush actual "reasons" to invade a country. Like they wern't just gonna stomp you out anyway, right? Face it, the only weapon the Philly offense has, is Brian Westbrook, and I have full faith that given a week's time, Belichik and crew will find plenty of ways to slow him down. What am I saying? Even if Westbrook does somehow manage to find the endzone 3 times (which I hope he does for personal fantasy football gain), Brady and crew will still rack enough TDs to cover the number. It's going to be another great Sunday, capping off one of the best weekends of the year, so make sure you're in front of a big TV, with some good peeps, and some good booze, and have yourself gay ole time. You know, gay like in olden times, not like Lance Bass. How appropriate, too. Thanksgiving weekend, and the Patriots are going to be dismembering a large bird, and tearing it to shreds. Isn't it just the smallest world ever!!??!
*Holiday Tip: Play the new "Randy's Candy" or "Straight Cash" drinking game with your friends this Thanksgiving weekend. Every time Moss catches a touchdown pass from Brady, you drop a shot of Jack Daniels (Moss), into a nice tall glass of Sam Adams Boston Lager (Brady) and you chug it down. The Jack represents Moss and his West Virginia roots, and the Sam represents Captain Tom Terrific and his association with all things New England, and the fact that he's so smoooooooth. It may taste like ass, but it's sure to get you so drunk, that even you will be out in your car hitting meter maids, pretending to moon people and maybe, if you're lucky, you'll get to play hoops with Jason "White Chocolate" Williams". Yes, I invented this game, and no, I've never tried those two alcohols mixed together. Give it a whirl and let me know how it works out for ya. (not responsible for excessive puke-fests and/or blackouts)
Miami Dolphins (+16) @ Pittsburgh Steelers
*Nothing is going to give me more pleasure than watching the Dolphins go 0-16 while the Patriots go 19-0, but I just don't see a Monday Night blowout in this one. The Steelers proved that they were less than the elite team Merril Hodge thought they were (the analyst had the Steelers ranked #1 in his power poll last weekend), yet I see them being good enough to eek out another W this week. Without star WR Santonio Holmes, and All Pro safety Troy Polamalu, Shittsburgh becomes more of an average team, but still talented enough to put some points up on the board, and defensively good enough to hold their own. Helping their cause, Miami is 0-10, and they pretty much blow. The only reason I even think they have a shot at covering, is the recent explosiveness of rookie WR Ted Ginn Jr., and the emergence of QB of the future, John Beck. You see Ginn finally take one to the house and haul in 6 balls for 70+ yards? Sure the Dolphins reached to draft him at #7, and probably should have taken Brady Quinn, but there's no doubt that if healthy this kid can be a game changer at this level. Now I might be going out on a little bit of a limb, here, but I just see Miami hanging close enough with some big plays to tease their fans for one more week. And how pissed is this going to make those grumpy old fools on the '72 Dolphins, the last team to go undefeated? Salty bastards. Can't wait to rub the 19-0 in their face while they're wallowing in their 0-16 feces pile of a franchise.
Last Week: 4-2-0
Overall: 38-27-4 (.579)
Good luck to everyone, and I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving! I can only hope is as much fun as it was at my house last year. Take a look for yourself. MY family is crazy! And yes, Samuel L Jackson is my uncle...