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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

OJ Simpson Wants His Shit Back!


YOU STAY CLASSY, SAN DIEGO
If that wasn't an ass kicking, then I guess I've never seen one before. Wooo Eeeee. Another week, another 38-14 win and another dismantling of a team many predict to be in the playoffs. What happened on the field between the Patriots and Chargers on Sunday night wasn't a football game, it was a statement. It reads as follows:

"We are the best team in football. It's not even close. Anyone that wants a piece can bring it, and we will crush you like the stale Pall Mall's that you are. You want to call us cheaters, you want to call us arrogant? Fuel the fire, bitches, and feel the wrath."

OK, so maybe that's not a direct quote, and maybe I'm coming off as a huge "homer" here, but you get my point. San Diego was supposed to be right there with New England and Indy, yet the Pats just destroyed them. I guess you could say San Diego is overrated, but I think that's just a way of denying how good the Pats really are. That Charger D-Line is the best in football, yet they didn't touch Brady all night, and allowed Morris and Maroney to run all over them for 144 yards (4.5 yards per carry). My big question coming into the season, was whether or not the offensive line was going to give Brady enough time to properly utilize his new weapons. Well, after 2 weeks, that answer is a resounding, YES. With Brady having enough time in the pocket to sort out all of his non-marital affairs, there's no defense in football that's going to be able to hang, plain and simple.

That's not even talking about the defense, which held LT to 44 yards, and the explosive Charger offense to only 14 measly points. And did you see Adalius Thomas take that interception back for a touchdown? Holy mother of God is that guy an athletic freak. Those are plays you used to see from Vrabel and Bruschi, and it's glad to see that dimension of the defense is back in full force.

It's time to face the facts. The Pats are ill, they can't be stopped, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that if this team stays healthy, they will go 19-0. You heard me. It's not because I'm a fan, and this isn't a knee jerk reaction. I know football (though my current picks record will say otherwise), and this is the best team I've ever seen, period.

Patriots Update
Overall: 2-0, 1st in AFC East (only team in division with a win)

Next week vs Buffalo Bills (0-2)

Tackle Box
*Usually, I'd throw news about former athletes in my News and Notes section, but in the case of OJ Simpson, I think I'm just too giddy to wait. Can you blame me? This guy is just hysterical. According to audio evidence and eyewitness accounts, Orenthal rounded up some people at a wedding reception, and stormed into a man's room with guns demanding that he turn over sports memorabilia that OJ claimed was his. Now, for whatever reason. sting or otherwise, the man in the hotel room, at the Palace Station in Vegas, had an audio recorder running, and caught OJ and his gang in the act. In response to the charges of armed robbery against him, all the Juice had to say was, he thought "what happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas". HA! What a brilliant remark! I mean it's too bad it's coming from an "alleged" double murderer, but how freaking hysterical is that? I think he actually thought that mantra was true, and he could do whatever the hell he wanted while in Sin City. Why else would he think it was chill to round up some buddies with guns, and storm into another man's hotel room? Like he said when he was originally questioned, he's "OJ Simpson," and people were sure to "recognize him" if he tried anything like that. You're right, dude! You are OJ Simpson, and yet you still tried to rob this guy! You know what it is, though. It's that this guy has no fear of getting punished. And why the hell should he! Last time I checked, he tip toed his way through a double murder charge, thanks a a jury with the common sense God gave an autistic hamster and a legal team the size of Rhode Island (and just as corrupt). So why on earth would he be scared of an insignificant "armed robbery" charge. Ooooooo, what's next, you gonna charge Robert Blake with jay walking? Please. OJ lives for this, man, and he's just gonna weasel his way out of it, so why even bother charging him.

*Did the Cleveland Browns seriously drop 51 points on the Bengals this weekend? If it really happened, someone needs to let me know, because as of right now, I'm just writing it off as some sort of acid flashback, or perhaps a reaction from all the meth I'm not doing, but for some reason should be doing...

*Apparently, Eagles WB Donovan McNabb thinks black QBs get criticized much more often than white QBs, or at the very least, the two aren't treated the same in the eyes of the media. In a post game presser after his team's 20-12 home loss to the Redskins (a game in which McNabb played like complete ass I might add), McNabb said that the way he was treated wasn't consistent with the treatment of guys like "Carson Palmer" and "Peyton Manning." Well, there's a good reason you're treated differently, and actually, there are two pretty good reasons.

First and foremost, if you performed the way you did in Indianapolis or Cincy, they wouldn't be criticizing you like they do in Philly. Not because they like black QBs any more or any less, but because the nature of those markets is to coddle their athletes, not jump all over them. Philadelphia is one of, if not the most vicious sports media market in the country, so black, or white, you're gonna hear it from them if you're not performing.

Which brings me to the fact that, hey, Donovan, you haven't been too good, or too healthy in recent memory. Sure, the fans and media should be grateful for the success you've helped the team reach in recent years, but you haven't been able to put them over the top, and more recently, you just haven't been all that good. You say Peyton Manning has it easy? I say he was ripped up and down for years for not being able to beat teams like Florida in college, and the Titans and Pats in the pros. He took the criticism and used it as motivation instead of using it as an excuse like you are.

Face it, McChoke Artist, if you want to avoid the criticism, then you're just gonna have to play better. After that, if you still think they are treating you unfair, then go to another market. It's the nature of the beast in big city markets like Philly, Boston, New York and LA. If you can't handle the heat, then you need to be out, before it totally breaks you. And from afar, it looks like D-Mac might be starting to crumble...

*And while I'm talkin' about the Monday night game, I gotta rip into the broadcast team a little. I love how Mike Tirico kept referring to Eagles defensive back William James as "the former Will Peterson." Dude, we get it, he changed his name. Address it once, and move on for crying out loud! He's not Prince. And honestly, you really think there were that many people at home saying to themselves "Wow, that William James guy looks a lot like Will Peterson. I really wish they would address that on the air." You're supposed to be a "pro's pro" Tirico, and I expect a lot more from the guy that's going to be filling Dan Patrick's shoes on ESPN Radio. Step it up, big man, do the Cuse proud. 'Cuz if you don't, I'm gonna have to start making cracks about broads you "made out with" while up in the heart of Onondaga Nation. Don't make me go there...

My NFL Picks
Last Week: 2-3-1
Overall: 3-7-2
*Nice little hole I've dug myself into, I must say. And to be honest, I don't really know how I'm gonna fix it. I feel good about the games I pick for all of 10 seconds, and even when I watch them on TV, I still can't figure out why I'm so off. Regardless, this week was a small step in the right direction, and as teams define themselves from week to week, hopefully I too will be able to adjust, and right the ship towards another winning campaign...

Red Sox Update
Overall: 90-61, 1st in AL East by 3.5 games
Status: It's amazing what a dominating start by the local football squad and their "tapegate" scandal can do for a rapidly diminishing division lead for the Sox. The Yanks are closer than they've been since late April, our two Japanese imports seem to be breaking down and the lineup is still failing to produce runs on a regular basis. Other than that, things are pretty good. I just urge everyone to stay calm. The division title is not in jeopardy (yet), and for all of you serious worriers out there, a playoff spot is virtually guaranteed with a 6 game lead on Detroit with 11 games left to play. I'm just worried this team is gonna flop once they actually do get into the playoffs, but that's a different story, for a different day, when the Sox are already 2007 AL East champs. Until then, just hold on tight, every thing's gonna be just fine.

News and Notes
*Only one note here, and of course, it's about my man T-Woods. Tiger made a mockery of the new FedEx Cup this weekend, taking the 4-event title, while only playing in 3 events. Of course, it doesn't hurt that he won 2 of those events, and finished 2nd in a 3rd, but that's just how this guy rolls. Now he gets to sit back, collect his $10 mil for winning the cup (to go along with the checks he earned in the 3 events themselves, by the way), and rightfully lay claim to the first man to win "Golf's Playoff." Right, cuz if he lost it would have been disputed that he wasn't the best...

Fantasy Update
Last Week: Drunksco 79 Make It Reign! 76
Overall: 1-1, 6th place

Next week vs her name is ho ho (0-2)

*So I didn't win, but I'm really not all that disappointed. Sure, I would have loved to win, but to have LT give me only 3 points, and still score enough points to make it interesting isn't the end of the world. Hopefully, with Chicago and New England behind him, Tomlinson can go back to dominating for me, and leading my squad to flat out massacres sooner rather than later. As for this week, I should flat out murder Jared and his hapless band of hooligans. Hell, I scored 29 fewer points this week than last week, and I still would have beaten him by 24. Knock on wood, but I'm lookin' for a blowout of epic proportions...

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