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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Tiger Rors, Stanley Steams and a Moose Hits Coke


Teeny Weeny Sabbatini
You don't wear white after Labor Day, you don't go hunting with Dick Cheney, you don't attend strip club's with Pacman Jones, you don't allow Penus Williams to be on top, and you don't freaking mess with Elderick "Tiger" Woods. Pretty easy list to follow if you ask me, but apparently not so easy for the tiny but chunky South African, Rory Sabbatini. After the Wachovia Championship earlier this year, that fat midget said he thought Tiger was "as beatable as ever," to which Tiger responded by saying he had more wins this year (3) than Rory had in his whole career. There hadn't been much talk of the war of words since, until the two were paired together in the final round of the Bridgestone World Golf Championship event. Sabbatini opened the final round at (-4), one shot clear of Mr. Woods, and had the perfect opportunity to show everyone just how "beatable" the world's #1 actually was. Well, apparently not that beatable, you dumb South African weeble. After 5 holes, Tiger had turned a one shot deficit into a 4 shot lead, and he never looked back on his way to a 5-under 65 on the day, and an 8-under, 8 stroke win, the 6th time he's won the event, and the 2nd time he's 3-peated. And don't think it wasn't personal either. While Tiger stayed stoic and focused on crushing the field, Sabbatini was obviously caught up in the the hype he himself created. While making the turn, and already down 7 strokes, Rory had a fan in the gallery kicked out of the event when he asked Rory "how beatable does he look now?". Ha! Rory flipped, asked the man to be escorted off the course, and then promptly hooked his drive into yet another set of trees. Come on now Rory, you gotta know better than challenging Tiger. Didn't you learn anything from Stephen Ames, who made similar comments before the Match Play Championships, only to get his clocked cleaned by Tiger 9 & 8? Just don't call Tiger out, people! I want someone to honestly come up and challenge him as much as the next guy (as long, of course, as it's not a cocky Spaniard or a fat lefty), but the way to do it isn't to call him out on the media. Take a page out of the Vijay Singh book. Practice, practice, practice, and hope for the best. That's the only way you're gonna beat Tiger. I think it's pretty evident by now, that calling him out is not the way to go. On the plus side, now that Rory Sabbatini is out of the media spotlight, having failed to defeat the "beatable" giant, he can get to work on dropping say 20-30 pounds. I guess you never realize some things until you watch them on TV for 5 hours, but that is one round South African. I know golf doesn't require tons of athletic ability, but come on and humor us a little. I mean damn, looks like the fool swallowed a slightly smaller South African before he hit the tee. You'd think walking 18 holes, and tossing out spectators, would be a good enough workout to drop a few LB's, but I guess not. And since running his mouth isn't an option for exercise anymore (unless he feels like getting his plump ass kicked again), it looks like he'll have to take up cricket, or lawn bowling, or whatever the hell it is the do in South Africa. Tiger Woods: Putting foreigner wind bags in their place since 1997. Tiger, Tiger Woods Ya'll...

Red Sox Update
Overall: 68-44, 1st place in AL East by 6 games
Status: It's weird. The Sox lead over the rest of baseball keeps getting bigger (currently 2.5 games over the Angels and 4.5 over the Mets), but the lead in the AL East doesn't seem to move. Eh, whatever. The Sox can't help that the Yanks are playing well, and the best they can do is keep winning themselves, and it should all be straight. I know that's about as corny as it gets, but that's how it is. And maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the fact that the Blue Jays are the first above .500 team the Yanks have played since the All-Star break, a span in which they are 18-6. Just maybe, right? Anyway, on to more pressing Sox news. No, neither of these stories is actually related to the play on the field, but they're important to Red Sox Nation nonetheless. First, of course, is the fact that the Seattle Mariner's mascot, the Mariner Moose, almost ran over Coco Crisp between innings with an ATV! It doesn't appear that he was trying to take Coco out, but it was a serious scare. Who'd have thought we would have been saying that an injury to Coco could be costly a year ago, huh? Either way, since Coco wasn't hurt, it means the whole event is just flat out hilarious. I know most of you have seen it a million times already, but for those of you on the outside looking in (Frosco) on this one, here it is...



Now, onto the second issue, which deals with NESN's lovable broadcast tandem of former Sox 2nd baseman, Jerry Remy and the hired gun, or the "human thumb," Dandy Don Orsillo. It's bad enough that supposed Boston die hard, but actual super fraud, Bill Simmons, is taking runs at Remy and his candidacy for Red Sox Nation President, but to have NESN criticizing the broadcast duo is just redonkeytricks. A vicious rumor has been circulating that the suits at NESN have told the charismatic and giggly broadcast team to tone down the humor and the sideshow distractions, and focus on the game. I really hope that isn't true, because those guys are the shit. Sure, I can understand if some people think they wander too far from the action on the field on many occasions, but they never let their antics interfere with the integrity of the game. If it's a close game, or an important game, then they take it very seriously. But when it's a blowout either way, they like to talk about playing air guitar, Wally the Green Monster, or Rem Dawg Nation. Fact is, Sox fans love Don and Jerry. They love how they are, they love what they do, and they love their interaction with each other and the fans. If NESN knows what's good for them, they'll just sit back, shut up, and let Rem sell as many of those Wally the Green Monster lawn chairs that he wants. They're the best in the business, and should be left to their own devices. Rock on fellas! Rock on!

Diamonds Are Forever *Some roided out dinosaur lookin' fool hit his 755th homerun this week. That's all I got for ya...

*Oh, and some lip stick wearing metrosexual hit his 500th dinger this week. He'll prolly eventually pass the guy shot full of cow hormones, but not before Jose Canseco can write a few books about how "all Spanish guys do roids and then talk about it in Spanish to fool all the white owners." Thanks "Hose," but shouldn't you be in makeup getting ready for your appearance on that new celeb bull riding show? Oh, your agent didn't call you for that one? Damn man, tough break...

*In non borderline homo or giant headed roid freak record setting news, I give you Billerica, Massachusetts native, Tommy Glavine. This Sunday, with his Mets victory over the Cubs, Tom Glavine became what many are calling the last 300 game winner in baseball history. What a feat. What's even more impressive though, if you ask this guy, is how Glavine did it. He never had dominating stuff, never brought a high 90's heater, or a 12 to 6 hook, yet he always got the job done, winning 10 games or more 18 times, and collecting 2 Cy Young Awards over his 21 year career. Even more impressive than all that is this. In his 2+ decades in the major's, Glavine didn't spend a single day on the disabled list. You heard right. In the age of pitch counts, Tommy John surgery, and bullpen specialization, Glavine managed to stay in shape, stay effective, and stay on the field. So congrats to you Tom. You were one of my favorite's in my youth when I was a hue Braves fan, and you continue to be one of my favorite players to watch. Not to mention, the story I still tell to this day, about how you broke Neal and Scottie Donahue's (good friends of Now You Know) father's cup in a hockey game back in the day with a mean slapper. Priceless. This one, Tommy, is for you....Way to go man. And just think, maybe another 300 wins and you could actually land Heather Locklear! (from the looks of his wife, though, I think he's all set in the hot blond department)...



*You gotta love the Cubs. Just when they crawled back from the dead, and into a tie for first in the NL Central, a true freak coincidence occurred that might derail the season just enough to keep fans wanting more for yet another long Chicago winter. On the same night that the oft injured and once prodigious Kerry Wood came back from his 3rd major arm surgery in the last 4 seasons (appeared in his 26th game in the last 3 seasons; over that time he's made more than $30 million), star slugger Alfonso Soriano went down for the next month with a torn quad. Either there's something to this curse they got goin' on, or they just suck at life. Seeing as I hate the Cubs (until Mark Cuban buys them that is), I'm going with the latter. Here's laughing at you, Cub fan.

*Major League Baseball umpires say they won't submit to background checks unless MLB is willing to come to the negotiating table and redo the ump's current contracts. I can't say I blame the umps, but in light of the whole Tim Donaghy betting scandal, a little bit of good faith wouldn't hurt here. I understand that they have rights, just like any other union, but they should at least say they are in favor of such background checks. Whatever happened to everyone having the best interest of the game at heart, anyway? Oh right, the owners lied about roids, the players lied about roids, agents and GMs are all blood suckers, and the umps all feel they are above the game. Good faith negotiations in baseball? What the hell was I thinking?!

News and Notes
*How does the saying go? Oh, that's right. You can take the man off of the And1 bus, but you can't take the And1 bus out of the man. Houston Rocket guard, and former Mix Tape staple Rafer "Skip to my Lou" Alston, was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault and public intoxication this weekend after allegedly grabbing, shaking, and spitting on a parking attendant while his car was being towed. Of course, Mr. To My Lou is denying the whole account, but what else did you expect? I know everyone is innocent until proven guilty in this country (unless you love dog fighting that is), but excuse me if I don't rush to Alston's defense. I'm sorry, but NBA players have about the same credibility as the Bush White House, and almost as many weapons. Just another case of a dirty player, from a dirty league, doing things. And no, there's no truth to the rumor that Alston tried to cross up the parking attendant, got his money taken, and was so embarrassed that he started pummeling him into the ground. That only happens, well, on the And 1 Tour. I just hope that dude with the microphone that's always on the court in the And 1 tapes was there giving a play by play of the beat down. Ohhh baaaaby! Ohhhh baaaaaaaaaaaby! Ohhhhh shit here come the cops!

Tackle Box
*Someone needs to talk to Danny Bonaduce, because he's obviously the one giving Pacman Jones career advice. Either that, or it's Screech and his awkwardly large man unit (or so I've read). According to his agent, P-Money is prepared to take on a role in the TNA (some wrestling "league") as a corner or "hype man." Really? So in a day where wrestlers are killing their families on roid rages, and you yourself are suspended from the NFL for being a thug, you think it's a good idea for you to remake yourself as a wrestling bad boy? What's next PacIdiot? Gonna use the rest of your loots to finance Spice World II? Seriously, there are bad decisions, and then there are just stupid people. If he wants to become a media bad boy, then he's well on his way, but these actions are definitely not of a man who's trying to ready himself for a return to the NFL as a model citizen. Let's just hope he doesn't decide to make it rain in the ring, though. If shit hit the fan at the strip club, imagine tossing bills at the feet of roided out circus freaks that have prolly spent the last week packed in the back of a mini van and fed only rations of protein shakes and Ritz crackers. (WHAT?!?!?!!?!?!....Roid fight!)

*Patriot fans had a little scare this week when Randy Moss limped off the practice field at Foxoboro Stadium, but for now, it all seems to be "straight cash, homie." It's always tough to tell when it comes to muscle injuries, especially in the leg, but the early reports have been pretty good. I'd say you shouldn't expect to see Randy until prolly the second pre season game, just as a precaution. Good news is, while Moss went on the shelf, Donte Stallworth came off it, attending his first practice in New England. Gotta love the revolving door of All Pro wideouts....and speaking of dank receivers....

*I always tell people that I think I know more about sports than anyone....my own age. It's important that you remember that fact, because when it comes to being able to recall facts of any kind, there's a major difference between having read about it, and having lived through it. Therefore, I can only expect myself to recall with great accuracy and detail, events that I was alive for, so I can remember the event itself, and all the circumstances that surrounded it. So, why am I bringing this up? No, not just to say how smart I am, although you may chose to pick that as the reason if you wish. This week, the New England Patriots began their new fan voting format for the Patriots Hall of Fame, and their first inductee was WR Stanley Morgan (beat out Ben Coates and Ron Burton). Admittedly, about 5 years ago I wouldn't have known Stanley Morgan from Joe Morgan (racist bastard), even though he played 13 seasons ('77-'89) for my favorite team. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was 6 when he left New England, or that most of the teams he was on were awful, and therefore never really talked about. But when I actually took a look at the man that was Stanley Morgan, a man that most Patriot fans older than I, grew up with, I found not only a man worthy of the Patriots Hall of Fame, but a clear snub from the NFL Hall of Fame. Here's what I mean. Take a look at the regular season stat comparison between 3 guys in the Hall, and Stanley Morgan. See if you can pick him out / no way in hell you can, because I couldn't...

Player A - 557 rec / 10,716 yards / 19.2 yards per catch / 72 TD

Player B - 750 rec / 11,904 yards / 15.9 yards per catch / 65 TD

Player C - 336 rec / 5,462 yards / 16.3 yards per catch / 51 TD

Player D - 537 rec / 8,723 yards / 16.2 yards per catch / 63 TD

OK. Think about it for a minute before you pick....Here's the breakdown of who's who. Player A, is Stanley Morgan. Player B, is Michael Irvin. Player C, is Lynn Swann. And Player D, is John Stallworth. All the other 3 are in the Hall of Fame, and Morgan isn't. Seem right to you? I never had the appreciation for Morgan, because I had never seen him play until a few years ago, but now that I know, he's become one of my causes. A Hall of Fame without Stanley Morgan, isn't a real Hall of Fame at all. Oh, and one other thing those 3 other guys have in common? They all have Super Bowl rings, and Stanley Morgan only has one Super Bowl appearance. His fault? Was it totally Irvin or Swann that won those rings? It's just stupid...

Fantasy Update
Last Week: WON, 19-5-0 vs Small Nuts Big Head
Overall: 216-180-36 (.542), 3rd place 22.5 games back

*In the words of central New York car magnate, Billy Fuccillo, that win was HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE. I trimmed 12.5 games off of my deficit, my team played well, and I managed to pull off another trade to help solidify my know injury plagued offense. Now if only my new aqcuisition, Yanks OF Melky Cabrera, can keep up his hot hitting, and I might have a shit at taking down the first place squad this week. Ohhhhh the Melk Man delivers!!! Thanks John Sterling (Yanks radio voice).

*And just to end on the most bizarre note possible, there's this story. Kirk Steven Ardern, a prisoner in some Florida jail, is suing the prison and the state corrections department for physical and mental harm he endured due to a practical joke played on him by the prison guards. No, they didn't play "drop the soap," but oddly enough, they did play "hide the sausage." I shit you not. According to Ardern, the guards had him hold a package, which he was told was drugs and cash, up his ass until he could deliver it to another man outside the prison walls. When Ardern went to make the hand off, he was busted, and interrogated as if he were actually in possession of contraband drugs. Hell, they wanted to fuck with him. He never saw what was in the package, so how would he know what was inside right? Problem was, the only thing he had hidden up his ass, was a raw sausage wrapped in paper and cellophane. Now, Ardern wants compensation for his embarrassment, and you're damn straight he's probably gonna get it. I'm confused though, isn't the whole reason we caged those fools was so we could degrade them? What's a little sausage up a dude's butt in the name of justice? I say next time, the guards use a guy that's already sticking shit up his ass, whether it be a shiv, a shank, or...well....ya know...and play the prank on them. Something tells me they would be a little more...ummm...receptive? Ewwww. I think my ass just cried a little when I wrote that....

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

You very sad person to asume so much about someone you dont even know. I hope you never see the inside of a prison, or have such a prank played on you. This young man has a family, and the cruel people that did this deserve to be put in gaol also. I hope you have a good life.

Anonymous said...

i fully agree with wat the last comment said u shudnt assume so much without knowing all the facts. And this young man does have a family in fact me, i hope tjose men end up in jail.

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