Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Hey, Jesus! Let Me Get 4 G's On That Pit Bull...

Talk about bogus apologies. When Michael Vick took the podium, moments after pleading guilty to dogfighting charges, he made sure to "speak from the heart" and remind people that he's not an experienced "public speaker". Well, Mikey, I for one am sorry, but I'm not buying your "apology." Listen, people only apologize if they are sorry, or if they get caught, and he is clearly doing the latter. He called his actions "immature" and swore that he would "redeem" himself, but that doesn't even begin to address the immorality of his actions? Immature? Try idiotic. Redeem yourself? Try, you're going to jail man, and you're never going to regain the power, respect and admiration you once had, period. And to claim that he's already found Jesus in all of this? Dude, everyone knows that Jesus is in prison, not at dog fights. Actually, from what I can tell, Jesus must be on the floor of the prison shower, or giving out free tats of himself in the mess hall, so I have no idea how he could find time to mix in a dog fight. So you can say you're sorry all you want, but until you show me you're sorry, I ain't buyin it. You proclaimed your innocence for too long my friend, so for you to say you're sorry now, is just you trying to save your own dog killin' ass.

As for his "plea" agreement, it may not be all it seems. In principle, the agreement is a recommendation from the prosecution to the judge, that the judge can reject, accept, or alter in any way he or she sees fit. So, the charges Michael Vick pled to, which was killing 6 dogs and operating a dog fighting ring, carry a maximum penalty of 5 years. Everyone has been saying he could get as few as 8 months, or possibly just probation, but unless he sings like a canary, I see him doing more like 3 of the 5 years. He didn't cooperate with authorities, he was the ring leader, and he was the last one to plea. All bad news for him when it comes to the judge handing down the sentence.

However, we could be looking at a situation similar to that in the movie Traffic. Remember when that bald guy get's busted movin' coke, and Don Cheadle says to him, "you better make us believe you have a boss, Eddie"? Well, that's what needs to happen here for Vick to get a big decrease on his time. The Feds have convinced the public that Vick was the leader of this ring, so if he can't turn over guys above him, or at least a ton of guys that are at about his level of involvement, then what good is his information? They say they want to bring down dog fighting as a whole, as a culture, but at what cost? IF he truly was the ring leader, and he has nobody above him, then he should do the time, minus a little for saving the state a trial. Three years, Mikey, then it's straight to the Surreal Life house. I expect you should be living with Taylor Hicks, Delicious from Flavor of Love 2, Lindsay Lohan and Tommy Lee's penis. Should be one hell of a season...

Red Sox Update
Overall: 80-51, 1st place in AL East by 8 games
Status: You know me. I don't like to call things until they're over, especially when it comes to the Red Sox, but it's getting dangerously close to calling the Sox '07 AL East champs. Anything short of a sweep this week by the Yanks, in the Bronx, and the Pin Stripers will be at least 7 games back, with only 28 games left to play. Even with a sweep, it'll ge a 5 game lead with 28 to play, but that would still put them at least in shouting distance. I don't want to get into how is Mike Mussina throwing BP up there, or how 25 dollar Bobby Kielty is out slugging 15 million dollar JD Drew, I just want to get to the games already. Here are the pitching match ups for the "Showdown to Decide the AL East: This time, it's personal....again"

8/28 Andy Pettitte (11-7) vs Daisuke Matsuzaka (13-10)

8/29 Roger Clemens (5-5) vs Josh Beckett (16-5)

8/30 Chien Ming Wang (15-6) vs Curt Schilling (8-5)

You couldn't ask for better pitching match ups, right? Let's get it on boys, and let's bring it home. Who's your daddy, now, huh? Fuhgetabouit!

Diamonds Are Forever

*Those crazy Detroit Tigers. If it's not one thing with these guys, it's another. If it's not Joel Zumaya hurting himself playing guitar hero, then it's Placido Polanco' shady errorless streak. And if it's not that, then it's Curtis Granderson hitting triples at a pace that would make Ty Cobb sit up in his grave (and more than likely let a few N-bombs fly, that racist bastard), or Gary Sheffield saying Latin players aren't as gangster as black players. They would be story #1 every day of the week in Motown if it weren't for all the murders, theft, rape and economic depravity in that city. I say swap the Devil Rays, and the Tigers. That way, the losers that like to riot, will get a team worth rioting about, and the good people of Tampa, will finally get a team worth cheering for. Rich get richer, poor get poorer. Done and done...

*If the "you never played, so you don't know what it's like" card doesn't work, then it's always best to pull out the "well you're a retard" card next. I mean just ask wife beating hot head Brett Myers of the Philadelphia Phillies. After giving up two dingers in a blown save that he referred to as "pop ups," Myers was asked by a reporter if he thought they really were just "pop ups," ya know, cuz they left the stadium and all. Myers, thinking it was a stupid question, called it retarded. Then the reporter, being a wise ass in such a way that you can't help respect him, asked Myers to spell retarded, at which point Myers became incensed, and had to be restrained by teammate Pat Burrell. He continued calling the reporter a retard, screaming at him and challenging him to fight, and the reporter stood his ground. The dude knew Myers couldn't touch him, and he knew Myers is just a complete moron to begin with. First off, he was scene on the streets of Boston, beating his wife. Second, who in the hell says that 2 dingers they just served up were really just "pop ups"? Yea, and the Atlantic Ocean is just a puddle, you tard. Own up to your performance, and you won't get wisecrack comments from the peanut gallery. And while I do think it is impressive that a story so fittingly has the words "retard" and "Philadelphia" in it, athletes that try to call out members of the media like that are just sad ,and should be forced to fight Serena Williams in one of Mikey Vick's main events. Who's the tard now, Myers? You freaking loser...

Patriots Update
Overall: 1-2, WON last week 24-7 @ Carolina Panthers
Status: While the Pats absolutely dismantled the Carolina Panthers on Friday in their 3rd pre season game, the story in Foxboro is the return of franchised cornerback, Asante Samuel. Samuel ended his holdout on Monday, reporting to camp and accepting to play for his one year, $7.79 million guaranteed he's owed as the team's "franchise" player. Samuel and his people were hoping that they could at least convince the Pats to promise and not franchise him next year (a proposed $9 mil), but even that seems unlikely. And why would the Pats even consider that? Samuel has a problem with the franchise tag, then he needs to take it up with the player's union. The tag itself may be unfair, and Lord knows it would never fly in the MLB, but it's in the contract you're people bargained for, so you're gonna have to live with it. As for Samuel's impact on the field? Well, I can't imagine it's gonna hurt the team, right? Despite what some conspiracy theorists will try to tell you, he hasn't come back just to dog it and collect his guaranteed loots. In fact, now that he's signed the tag, this year becomes the most important of his career, the year before he can potentially be an unrestricted free agent. Like I said, the Pats will likely franchise him, but if he sucks or suffers a devastating injury, he could find himself on the scrap heap next year with no place to play, or no team willing to pay him what he wants. So he's gonna ball it up, be sure of that. And of course, that only makes the Pats better. Guys like Ellis Hobbs and Notre Dame rookie Michael Richardson have been great in pre season, but they are relatively unproven, and at the very least, still developing. Hobbs is god, but I don't know about #1 corner on a contender good. What the return of Samuel does, is add quality depth to an important position, which is what the Patriots try to do with all their roster moves. I'm glad he's back, and as long as he's in shape and ready to go, I expect him to be on the field, and starting as soon as humanly possible. Bill Belichick and the front office know there's the business side of things, and the football side of things, and they've always done a good job of separating the two. There will be no grudges held. If he's the best we got, then he'll be out there. Period.

*As for the actual game, the Pats dominated in virtually every aspect. My man Stephen Gostkowski struggled again, missing his 2nd and 3rd kicks of the pre season, but I wouldn't worry. The kicks are going straight, he just needs to get them lined up better, which is a much easier problem to fix, at least one would think. I don't want to really talk about the game itself, because I mean it was four days ago, but I do have an interesting stat to share. Everyone talks about the pre season's 3rd game being the real "defining" game, and that if you play well in that game, then it's a real reflection on how your season will be. Well, I wanted to see if that were true, so I did a little investigating, and found some mixed results. In the last 2 seasons, teams that won their 3rd pre season game went on to combine for a 272-240 record (.531), and account for 14 of the 24 playoff spots. Seems like a toss up to me, but I still get the argument. The third game is where your starters play the most, so if you do well, it means your starters did well against another team's starters. Don't tell that to the Cleveland (4-12) and Oakland (2-14) fans, their teams both won game #3 last pre season. How's that workin' out for ya? Just goes to prove that figures lie, and liars figure, kids, and don't you ever forget it. Just a little free advice from Uncle Rooch, to you...

News and Notes
*Well, it looks like Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen are going to have to make due this season without Reggie Miller, or as I like to call him, the spawn of Splinter. Personally, I hope this opens the door for his sister, Cheryl Miller, to make a comeback with the C's. After all, she's always been the better player in the family, and we could use someone to bang down low for those tough boards. I'm fairly convinced she has a unit anyway, and she could totally pass for a guy if she were....well.....breathing. Ha! It's Miller time kids!

*I have to say, I'm liking this "FedEx Cup" playoff system that the PGA has adopted this year. Not because I think it determines an actual champion, the majors do that, but it's just an entertaining format. For those of you not in the know, the playoff system starts with the top 180 players on the money list, and whittles them down over 4 events until there is a champion. The winner, receives a $10 million deferred prize, and can lay claim as the inaugural champion. The first event was the Barclay's, won be Steve Stricker, who overtook Tiger as the Cup leader, since Tiger didn't play. Now sitting in 4th overall, Tiger will be at event #2, the Deutche Bank Championship, which is 5 minutes from my house in Norton, MA. And don't let the "TPC at Boston" fool you, the course is about 45 minutes from the Mass capital. All about the marketing, baby, all about the loots. So like I said, I don't think anyone will consider the winner of this thing golf's actual "champion," I think it's a cool event, a unique format, and should make for some exciting golf to round out the season. Oh, and I can't wait till Tiger wins it by only playing in like 2 of the 4 events....what a menace to the golf course that guy is.

Fantasy Update
Last Week: WON, 11-8-3 vs chisoxfan4life
Overall: 255-204-45 (.551), 3rd place 12 games back

*Honestly, I should have smoked this team like the delicious salmon that it was, but a win is a win. And I know it's going to sound like I'm crying poor with two loaves of bread under each arm, but I can't say I'm too pumped about being 2nd in wins, yet not being one of the teams that's already clinched a playoff spot, or one of the teams to likely receive a first round bye. Matter of fact, it's looking very likely that Frosco and I (yet again) are on course to meet in the first round, and we all know that when it comes to Fantasy, Frosco is the kryptonite to my Superman. Is it because we're in so many leagues together? OR do the fantasy Gods just have it out for me because I talk so much junk? Eh, fuck 'em...bring that weak sauce Frosco, and I'll scalp you like a Seminole ya hick lovin', Skoal chewin', NASCAR watchin', Piggly Wiggly shoppin bastid!


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