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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Philly Still Sucks, But Cuban Still the Man!

WORLDS BIGGEST LOSERS!
Congratulations, Philadelphia. You're finally getting the recognition you deserve. With a loss this weekend, the Philadelphia Phillies became the first American professional sports team to reach 10,000 losses, therefore making them the biggest losers of all time. That's really all I got here. Philly sucks, there fans suck, and now they are associated with being the biggest losers of all time. Poetic justice if you ask me. Now, if only all those tarded out, Rocky lovin', Jersey leftovers can just choke on their EZ Cheez and cat meat sandwiches that their city is so famous for, so the rest of the world can be done with them. Reap what you sow, Philly fans. You boo your teams more than anyone else, so they lose more than anyone else. Here's to the next 10,000 losses coming even faster than the first, and here's to the 76ers, Eagles and Flyers setting similar records in due time. Yo Adrian! I Suck!!!

Red Sox Update
Overall: 56-36, 1st in AL East by 9 games
Status: The good news is that Papi's knee seems to be holding on, and both he and Manny have begun to flat out rake! The Sox are still only averaging a little over 5 runs per game since the All-Star break, but at least it looks like the offense is coming around. The only fear, is that once Manny and Papi actually start coming around, Youkilis and Lowell will tail off much like they did last year. The one place where there hasn't been any fear all season long, and there isn't any sing of it to come, and that's the pitching rotation. Not only have the guys we've come to depend on (Beckett, Wakefield, Dice K) been pulling through, but young guns Kason Gabbard and Manny del Carmen have been pleasant surprises that have helped bolster the already potent pitching lineup. Gabbard was on full display with his 3 hit shutout on Monday night, while all del Carmen has done, is pitch 7 scoreless innings in the pen since being called up from Pawtucket. With players like Timlin and Schilling that are injury prone, it's good to know that we can depend on some of the younger talent to contribute down the stretch. And for those of you that want answers to what's going to happen to Gabbard once Schilling comes back? Well, it's feasible that Julian Tavarez would be moved to the bullpen in the Kyle Snyder/ Bronson Arroyo role of stop starter/long reliever, but then what to do with Snyder? If Theo can't find a way to make room for Gabbard by trading Snyder or Tavarez, then he'll have to flat out release Snyder, and shift Tavarez to the pen. Gabbard hasn't totally proven himself yet (a shutout against the Royals does not an All-Star make, my friends), but if he continues to prove his worth, it's going to be hard, and it's going to look stupid, to send him back down to Pawtucket. It's a good problem to have, this "too much pitching", and should it continue, I really like the Sox chances. Eh who am I kidding, I always like their chances, especially when the best player on the main rival team wears purple lip stick.

Diamonds Are Forever
*In case you haven't been informed, the world of Major League Baseball is about to come crumbling down. No, not because of the rampant drug use, or internal racial issues. Nope, according to Florida Marlin's president Dave Sampson, it's the 5 year $95 million deal that Ichiro just signed with the Seattle Mariners that's due to destroy the national past time. Here's what he said when asked about the deal "I would say it's the end of the world as we know it. If Ichiro is worth $20 million a year, I am speechless by that contract. I'm hoping that report is false. There's no chance anybody is worth that. Ichiro has led his team to zero, nothing. Signing Ichiro to $20 million a year for five years is a joke. It's inexcusable. It's complete mismanagement. It can't be true." Damn Dave, why don't you let us know how you really feel? And I'm no fast Asian baseball player expert here, but I think he's getting that money because he's averaged .332, 230 hits, 40 stolen bases and 114 runs per season since arriving stateside in 2001, and shows no signs of slowing down. I would say the "end of the world" as you know it, Dave, is coming when your fan(s) watch Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera walk out the door because you refuse to pony up the dough. Look out, Dave. Here come the free agents to be.....and they wanna talk to Samson!! What a dope.

*Barry Bonds is struggling to hit, struggling to hit home runs, and now, he's struggling to hold back his emotions. I hear that's what happens when you shoot yourself with roids for the better part of a quarter century, you tend to get a little emotional. No worries though, Bar, because I'm sure this is just the tip of the emotional iceberg that you're about to experience until you hit the 5 home runs needed to break the record. Aaron had to deal with racist threats, Maris had to deal with people saying he wasn't a true Yankee or worthy of the record, and Barry has to deal with himself. He's going to make it look like the press has driven him to break down with all the steroid talk, but it's really his own inner demons coming out to play.

*So....Gary Sheffiled thinks Joe Torre is a racist manager, huh? In an interview with HBO Real Sports, Sheff told Andrea Kramer that Torre would call out black players in the locker room, while he'd always make a point to talk to white players in his office. He then back peddled, saying those guys were probably Torre's "favorites" (referring to players like Tino Martinez, Paul O'Neill, Scot Brosius and the half black-half white captain, Derek Jeter), but those are remarks you just can't go back on. Sure, maybe he was misunderstood, but the bell of racism is a hard one to un-ring. You know it's just Sheff being himself, and spouting off at the mouth, but calling someone a racist just isn't a matter of fact type thing. Imagine Sheff's reaction if he were called a racist by Joe Torre? That's what he doesn't get. With Sheff, it's just the world according to Gary, and nothing else matters. Well, Gar, news flash. Most people view you as a bigot and a racist, not Joe Torre. I mean, wasn't it you who just a few weeks ago said Spanish players were easier to handle than blacks, and that's why there were fewer African Americans in the MLB? Seriously Sheff, just keep your tongue in your mouth, and let your game do the talking. Sure, it gives me something to write, but truth be told, I'd much rather be writing about sketchy reality TV moments, or the latest gem from the mouth of Tim McCarver. "Sometimes you catch the ball, and sometimes....the ball catches you!" Thanks Tim, you retard.

*It's official. Dallas Maverick's charismatic and controversial owner, Mark Cuban, has begun the application process in hopes of becoming the owner of America's favorite losers, the Chicago Cubs. I love it, you should love it, and above all else, Cubs fans should love it. He's a proven winner as an owner, he brings great passion to what he does, and he's flat out fun to watch. Not only will it be fascinating to watch him butt heads with volatile head coach, Lou Piniella, but the credibility and promotional expertise Cuban will bring to the Windy City will make the Cubbies relevant again. Let's face it. When Boston, New York, Chicago and LA teams are good, it's good for sport, and the fact that the Cubs have been so bad for so long just isn't helping baseball's popularity. I know, Cubs fans can tell me all they want that they sell out their games, and that the atmosphere at Wrigley is one of the best in the game, but I'm telling you, it no longer resonates nationwide. Considering the size of the city, if the team became relevant again, Cub fans would start popping up all over. Trust me. I saw Red Sox Nation build 10-fold with the "idiots" and the eventual championship in 2004 and I don't see why the Cubs couldn't pull a similar trick. They've been down for so long, and Mark Cuban has a great chance to bring them back to the top of the game. He'll hire the right guys and he'll make sure the team gets more exposure than Peyton Manning, Coach K and Dwayne Wade combined. Get ready, MLB, there's a Cuban on the loose, and this one's one mother of a capitalist!

News and Notes
*Whoever said being a 6'6" vampire look-a-like was a bad way to go about life was dead wrong. At least, it doesn't seem to be stopping former tennis pro, Aussie Mark Philippoussis. Apparently, Philippoussis was too busy promoting his new reality TV show "Age of Love", in which women in their 20's (kittens) and 40's (cougars) pine for him, to defend his title at the Grass Court Championships in Newport, R.I. Talk about having your priorities in order. I've followed Mark's tennis game for a while, and I'm pretty sure he should be showing up to defend titles, seeing as he doesn't have many to his credit. Matter of fact, I'm gonna go ahead and say that Newport title was the only one he captured in 2006, and might be the only one he's had in several seasons. But you and I know, it all comes down to 2 major things when you're in any branch of the entertainment business: Exposure, and $$$. You gotta think this TV show is getting him more of both (despite being hosted by Kelly Ripa's husband), so that makes the choice somewhat of a no brainer. Sorry tennis, you just don't have what it takes any more. Just hope and pray and that we don't see Roger Federer skipping next year's Wimbledon to appear in Top Chef, Season 4. On second thought...

*Spoiler Alert. The 2007 World Series of Poker's $10,000 buy in Main Event has reached it's final table. The live action will be aired tonite on Pay-Per-View for (no I will not be watching), as the final nine contestants battle for the $8.25 million first place prize. With 1998 champion Scotty Nguyen eliminated in 11th place ($476,926), the only recognizable pro to make the final table, is 2006 Pot Limit Omaha World Champion, Lee Watkinson, who will start the night 6th in chips, with a shade under $10 million. Alex Kravchenko is another pro with a bracelet (2007 Omaha Hi-Low Split), but seeing as he's yet to appear on TV, nobody is really familiar with him. That could change though. Despite entering as a short stack with $6.5 million, you gotta like the chances of a guy who's cashing in his 7th event this year (2nd only to Michael Binger) and is appearing at his 3rd final table of this year's World Series. The rest of the field is basically a bunch of unknowns, with Hevad "Rain" Kahn playing the roll of the bad boy/Mike Matusow/Josh Arieh type, and guys like England's John Kalmar and America's Lee Childs tugging at the heart strings with their stories of unbelievable luck and good fortune. Denmark's own, Philip Hilm, will begin the night as chip leader, with $22 million, and is closely stalked by Tuan Lam, with $21.3 mil. Should be a great finish, and one that's sure to produce another name that will forever be etched in our poker memories....or maybe that's just me. Can a known pro like Watkinson be the first major professional to win since Carlos Mortensen took the title in 2001? Or will it be yet another unknown like Jamie Gold, Joe Hachem, Greg Raymer or the man who started it all, Chris Moneymaker? There's sure to be fireworks, so make sure you check back here for the results and the recap.

*Reports earlier this week from profootballtalk.com, among others, are claiming that it seems likely the Patriots Asante Samuel is going to show up on time at training camp, and play this year under the $7.9 million franchise tag. None of that is official, of course, but reports like that are always encouraging. What isn't encouraging, however, but is official, is that the window of opportunity to sign Samuel to an extended deal before training camp has closed. The Pats had until 2 pm EST yesterday to work out a new deal with Samuel, and all reports are that one wasn't reached. Oh well, now we all just play the waiting game. Only ten days man till training camp man! (July 27th) Let's get it on!!

*Let the social experiment begin. This week, Major League Soccer is set to prove that bringing the world's biggest metrosexual into your sport, is enough to make it relevant in a country that treats soccer players like 7-Up. You got it Snoop fans, "7-Up...never have and never will". I don't really get what that means, but you get my drift. ESPN and MLS are trying to pump David Beckham ads down your throat in the hopes that you'll tune in, buy tickets, buy jerseys, and basically fall in love with the sport. Well, I got news for ya, soccer losers....nobody cares! The people that like Beckham in this country, like him because of how he looks and who he's married to, not because of how he plays the game. They'll sell a few jerseys, and make a minor splash to begin with, but it won't last, and ultimately, it will fail. Not so much the league itself, but the idea of bringing soccer to the forefront. If Pele couldn't do it, then Beckham can't do it. Even if the top talent from around the world were in the US, I still don't think MLS would even be able to surpass the NHL (yea, seriously, the NHL) as a major sport in this country. It's a losing battle, soccer fans, and fighting that battle with the world's #1 gay icon (I know he's not gay, but it's true) and his pop star midge-wife, is totally not gonna do it.

*I always say, the only thing better than Tiger Woods winning a tourney, is watching Phil Mickelson choke one away. I didn't watch the Scottish Open, hell, I didn't even know there was a Scottish Open, but watching the highlights of Phil bogeying the final hole and lose the title in a playoff was good enough for me. Suck it Phil, you fat bastard!

Fantasy Update
Last Week : CRUSHED 4-17-3 vs Baby Punting MVP
Overall: 172-156-32 (.522), 4th place 36.5 games back

*Well, that couldn't have gone any worse. First week back from the break, and I get drilled harder than an 18 year old stripper on the set of an R. Kelly video. I'm guessing that was just one of those bad weeks, but if I lay another egg this week, I might have to start upping my game. I slipped to 4th place this week, and there is NO tiny trophy for 4th place! 4th place is a no tiny trophy having, insult to the name of fantasy sports. And I will not tolerate such mediocrity! Ahhhhhh!

*And seeing as I know you all love funny videos, feel free to check this one out. Everyone loves Will Ferrell, right? Enjoy...