Friday, June 22, 2007

You Can't Handle The Truth!?

Every Boston sports fan with a pulse has been on red alert since hearing the news that the C's might be working a deal to bring Kevin Garnett to the Hub to team up with Paul Pierce. I know Garnett is saying he doesn't want to go to Boston, and has basically squashed the deal already, but Danny Ainge and captain Paul Pierce really need to convince this guy to change his mind, and come to the Bean. How amazing would that be? The Truth, and the Big Ticket, would be on the same squad, surrounded by some decent role players, in a conference that is still ripe for the taking. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is the ideal situation for the Celtics to be in, but I do think it's a move that will symbolize Danny Ainge actually putting his long term strategy into motion. All along, Ainge has said he wants to stockpile young talent, keep some of it, and deal some of it away for veteran role players. Well, he's whiffed on a bunch of his picks, and even the good ones are still a year or two away from coming of age, so he's decided to cash in his biggest chip right now, and try to capitalize on the final years of Paul Pierce's career. Those chips in this case are Al Jefferson, and the #5 overall pick in next week's draft. There's more to the proposed deal, but that's the meat of it.

It totally works for the T-Wolves, who can get younger in a hurry and begin life post-Garnett with a talented big man and some room to add pieces around him. GM Kevin McHale might not want to look like he's doing any favors for his former team, but fuck it, that's just public perception. Just because he played for the Celts, played with Danny Ainge, and would probably love nothing more than to be a part of pulling the once proud franchise out of the doldrums, doesn't mean he's screwing over the Wolves. Wait a minute....Besides, Forbes Magazine said he was the best GM in sports, so you gotta trust him, right?......Right?

More importantly, the deal can totally work for the Celtics, if the players left behind are able to support Garnett and Pierce. They still have point guard issues, and with the health of Tony Allen in question, they still don't have anyone even close to being a lockdown defender. Those are weaknesses, but they are weaknesses that can probably be overcame, until of course the Eastern Conference and possibly NBA Finals. It's all about adding the glue guys. You know, the Bruce Bowens', the Robert Horrys', the Steve Kerrs' of the world. Danny and Glen Rivers MD will have the star power, they'll just need to find the right complimentary parts. They'll have about 2-3 years to get those pieces in place, or we'll all be sitting here having this same discussion in another 8 years, when at this rate, Brian Scalabrine will be the GM, and Mahmoud Abdul Rauf will be the head coach. And oh what a beautiful time that will be.

With any big deal like this, however, there are inherent expectations. If this trade goes through, and the Green fail to secure at least a #5 seed in the Eastern Conference playoffs next year, heads will be rolling down Boylston Street faster than a greased up Kenyan on a rainy Patriots Day. With great power, comes great responsibility...or so says some insect wannabe in a red unitard, right?. Get it done, Danny, and keep the moves comin'. It gives the team a fighting chance to be an immediate Eastern Conference contender, and keeps them there for the next 3-4 years. Pull the trigger you impotent Mormon. The "future" was 3 years ago, it's time to make shit happen, and the faster the better. (disclaimer: I'm almost 100% positive that if the Celtics do land Kevin Garnett, that either he or Pierce will go down in the first few weeks with a season ending injury....sorry)

*And who knows. Maybe KG doesn't want to play with Pierce after he saw how shabbily #34 treated Mini Me during a recent encounter in Beverly Hills. Check it out, and make sure you hang around for the best moment at the end, involving a Mexican line cook that loves famous midgets! (courtesy of

Red Sox Update
46-25, 1st place in AL East by 10.5 games
Status: Again. Just because David Jonathan Drew hits a homerun, does not mean that I am a complete imbecile. Now, if you already think I'm one, that's one thing. But to hinge my credibility on each one of his at bats is not only laughable, it's beginning to become flat out enjoyable. Why? Well sure he hit that dinger to lead the romp against the Braves, but then within 30 minutes, he's been removed from the game for "precautionary" measures. Isn't that game right there Drew in a nutshell? Flashes of brilliance, brought back down to earth by durability and consistency issues. I've been enjoying watching him waffle so much, I've even come up with a new nickname for him, FRAUDZILLA. I'm not sure why it works, exactly, but you know it does, so don't even question it. As for some guys that actually contribute to this team's success, Coke Ho Crisp has been absolutely on fire at the plate (12/23 3 HR 5 RBI last week), and has continued to consistently deliver big defensive plays as well. The grabs where he seems to cover a half a mile in 2 seconds, and ends up parallel to the earth, are almost becoming routine, and more than make up for his lackluster arm. A lot of people had already written Crisp off, and were sternly fixed on minor leaguer Jacoby Ellsbury (.279, 0 HR, 13 2B, 19 SB in (AAA) Pawtucket) as the center fielder of the future, but maybe now that he's finally healthy, and in a less pressure spot in the lineup, CoCo can finally begin to thrive. I'm not saying he's where he needs to be, yet, but you have to admit it appears as though he may be turning the corner. So Crisp is hitting, Manny's hitting, Ortiz is hitting, and fine, even Drewchbag is hitting a little bit. Looks good. I don't care if Schilling's arm falls off (although I surely hope he recovers fully from whatever is wrong with him during his stint on the 15 day DL), with an offense like this clicking on most of it's cylinders, you could throw me on the mound and prolly walk away a winner. Hey, I used to be an ill pitcher, just ask me. Sidearm bitches!

*Oh and Yankee fans, I'm still listening if you want to tell me about how Roger Clemens is "rounding into form". 4 1/3 innings, 7 hits, 4 runs, 6 K's against....the Rockies. Hey, I think he'll get better too, but I don't wanna hear how this was what we would have expected. But Rocket aside, the offense could use a kick in the ane as well. Five runs in a 3 game set at Coors Field? I don't care who's on the bump when your only getting 1.6 runs per game. Truly pathetic. Make it a race already, you insolent bastards!

Diamonds Are Forever
*Joe Girardi is a smart guy. I told you earlier in the week that the Orioles were a mess, and good ole Joe must have been reading. They made it known that he was their number one candidate, they brought him in, and he simply said thanks but no thanks. Rough. Now, on top of sucking, your fans know for a fact that a dude would rather work as a broadcaster than try to coach that pathetic excuse of a baseball team. What a disaster. Anyone else just counting the days until the O's hire Dusty Baker? You just know it's gonna be a bad hire, so why not just go all the way, right? Thank you Baltimore, for at least making your managerial implosion exciting enough to temporarily distract us from the Double (AA) product you're putting on the field.

*Everyone and their brother has told me that I am naive and downright ignorant to think that Jason Giambi is gonna spill the beans to Senator George Mitchell and his steroids investigation committee. Well, hello? I believe it's called me going out on a limb, and perhaps a little of me predicting events I'd like to be played out in a future movie. Possibly starring Mike Madsen (Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill, Donnie Brasco) as Giambi, or maybe even George Burns' corpse, reeking of cigars and hooker sweat, as a young Bud Selig? I just wanna see some fireworks here people! Where's you're passion for media shit storms, anyway? Bring it all on I say. Name names, dammit! Squeal like the freaking rat you are! Then we'll see who's naive and ignorant then, won't we? (note: I'd bet against everything I just said right there actually happening...that is, if I were a betting man)

*I never thought I'd ever say this about an oil tycoon Republican from Texas, but Rangers owner Tom Hicks is flat out the man (evident by his huffin' down that hot dog with a vengeance). When asked about what he thought his biggest mistake as team owner was, Hicks decided to blast ex slugger Juan Gonzalez with this shot: "Juan Gonzalez, for $24 million, after he came off steroids probably...we just gave that money away". Wow, what's not to love there? If I'm not mistaken, he's basically saying he wished Gonzo stayed on the needle isn't he? I mean, you have to think, knowing what we know now, that Hicks and the Rangers were very aware before they signed Gonzalez whether or not he was pokin' needles into his ass didn't they? I guarantee Hicks would have much rather Juan Gone stayed on the roids, and hit more than 32 home runs for that $24 millstein. However, Tommy Boy, until you have some actual evidence, it's prolly best you just keep to yourself. Remember, Jason Giambi thinks you too, as an owner, should apologize, so don't go pointing fingers. You knew what you were getting in Gonzalez, you gambled, and you lost. Don't be bitter. Just go drill up some more oil, and continue to blow your billions son sports teams, houses, vacations to Myanmar and possibly swimming in a vault filled with coins (or more realistically bills), a la Scrooge McDuck. (And don't even get me started on why Donald Duck has no pants, yet he wears a towel when he's getting out of the shower. Some mysteries are better left unsolved.)

*Ironically, another alleged ex-roider, and current Texas Ranger, Sammy Sosa, hit his 600th career homerun this week. Hell, Sosa even managed to do it against the Chicago Cubs, the team with which he swatted 545 of his career 600 dingers, and had left with harsh words and burned bridges. The one time golden boy of the MLB post-strike renaissance, who shriveled up like a prune both on the field and in front of Congress, returned to take center stage, and try to recapture at least a little bit of the magic he once brought to the game. Problem is, Sammy, we're not as dumb as you think we are. We haven't forgotten that when asked about steroids you "no habla Ingles", and how you cowardly backed down when challenged by SI's Rick Reilly to take a piss test on the spot. A lot like Bonds, we have no proof, we just have our eyes. Oh wait, and a corked bat. So you can even play the "well, he cheated before" card if you want. So in light of this milestone, there are sure to be the usual questions. Like, is Sosa worthy of the Hall of Fame? And if so, will he get in his first time on the ballot? Well, you know I have the answer. Plain and simple, based on statistics, Sosa should get in on the first ballot, but he won't. If Big Mac didn't, then neither will Sosa. You can decide for yourself if it's a case of guilt by association or not, but that's just the way it is. These baseball writers are weird like that. They talk about how selective the selection committee is, but they are always voting guys in who were on the ballot for several years. Well, were they Hall of Famers or not? How does a guy become more or less worthy in a time period where he isn't even playing? Mind boggling. So, based on past voting trends, Sosa will more than likely have to wait until his second year of eligibility to get in. Voters will view his exclusion the first time as sending some kind of "message", but that's just those pencil pushers trying to puff their chests out. Fact is, he's going in eventually, like it or not. His numbers are too damn good (only player with 3 60 homer seasons), and there's no physical evidence that he cheated (our eyes aren't proof enough I guess). If MLB wanted to keep roiders that no habla ingles out of the Hall, they would have dealt with the rampant steroid problem in their sport about a decade ago. For now, just eat the humble pie, accept the guy as a Hall of Famer, and just never forget how he was able to achieve such numbers. He'll serve as a reminder to a tainted age, a time where Barroid the Great ruled the throne and Bud Selig served to his every need.

News and Notes
*Problem: A husky, chain smoking, former caddy just won the most prestigious title your sport has to offer. Solution: Immediately begin steroids testing! You have to think that was at least part of the thought process of tour commish, Tim Finchem, who in the past had resisted attempts to install a drug policy on the worlds largest golf tour. Personally, I was surprised to find out there was no drug testing already in place, and laud the implementation of such a policy. I understand that most golfers idea of a workout is pounding Michelob's after a long day of riding in cart, but with Tiger setting the bar athletically, the shape of the average golfer is bound to continue to morph. Last thing we need, is a father genetically enhancing his young kid (Michelle Wie), turning him into a dude (Michelle Wie), and attempting to take the ladies tour by storm with the Ivan Drago of the Red Tees (Michelle Wie). Way to nip steroids in the bud, PGA Tour. Now all you have to work on is incorporating half naked cheerleaders, loud arena style music, and get a few more of your players on the police blotter (I know Daly, you're doin' your part), and maybe people will start watching on days when Elderick Woods isn't romping to yet another title, or Phat Mickelboobs isn't choking away those same titles. PGA Tour: No Roids? No Problem!

*For the record, "news" would be if Pacman Jones was spotted handing out grilled cheese's to crackheads at the local shelter, not when he allegedly bites a bouncer at a strip club in the ankle and then proceeds to smack a stripper in the face a few times. When it happens all the time, it ceases to be relevant. Adam Jones is obviously addicted to strippers, guns, and staying up until 5 in the izzim, after he told Commissioner Goodell that he was imposing a midnight curfew on himself. He's a real smart guy. And I expect nothing more, than for him to continue doing real smart things, and to continue seeing really positive results. I hope for your sake, you finished your degree in NASCAR with a minor in Moonshining, while at West Virginia, cuz Lord knows you're gonna have to start mixin' batches of meth for a living after you come out of prison, and are no longer able to play. Watch yer corn hole buddy...

*I heard a rumor the Boston Bruins hired a new coach. If anyone can either confirm or deny that the Bruins still play, and have possibly hired a new coach, then I'd love to hear about it. And by "love to hear about it", I obviously mean, if you bring up hockey in my presence, be prepared to have all of your moral and/or social values attacked. And I'm a verbal assault artist, so make sure and chose your words wisely. All I know is the last time I checked, the coach looked like Hitler's bastard son, and the team was losing 4-0 late in the third to cast of Lord of the Rings on ice. Frodo makes a glove save and a beauty!...A glove save!....and a beauty!

*How funny is it, that I successfully predicted the NBA Finals matchup, and it's winner, but didn't even think to brag about it my next post after the Finals ended. I rarely miss opportunities like that, and can only attribute the mistake to the fact that the Finals were about as entertaining as the blooper reel from "Yo Momma: Salt Lake City". Still, I am the man, and I have nobody to thank but myself. So props to me, and until one of you start making your predictions known in writing, I'm still the king, and you are all still the jesters and serfs that serve me my goblets full of delicious ale, and a meaty bone the size of a small motorcycle. Make it snappy! And don't be stingy with the wenches either!

*We can all take one giant sigh of relief....Takeru Kobayashi is officially in this years Nathan's hot dog eating contest on the 4th of July in Coney Island, New York. Kobayashi, the former world record holder, had been MIA since the breaking of his record by American, Joey Chestnut, coincided with the death of his mother. The ex champ has come out of hiding, though, and made it very clear that he means business when it comes to regaining his title. Takeru bested his own world record last year at the Nathan's event with 53.75 , but Chestnut recently smashed it, eating 59 hot dogs in 12 minutes at a qualifier in Las Vegas. If Kobayshi is in top form come the 4th, this could be a showdown of epic proportions. It's like the Ali-Frazier, Magic-Bird, or perhaps Agassi-Chang of it's time. And of course, it's the rapid intake of the world's most delicious hot dogs. Do it for America Chestnut! If we're gonna be the fattest country in the world, we might as well show it off!

*Last thing for the week. I try whenever I can, to supply you gangstas with a quality video to help get you through the benality that is your life. So this week, I'm gonna stick with my theme of Will Ferrell SNL skits that make me urinate myself. Crank it up, fuckers!


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