Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Journey and Onion Rings?!?

Joke's On Us, America
All I wanted out of the series finale of the Sopranos was an ending. Any ending would have done. Tony in prison, Tony dead, AJ shoots Tony, Tony in witness protection, that half dead Russian finally emerging from the woods and killing Paulie and Tony, Chris coming back from the dead to bang Meadow....OK maybe some of those don't work, but at least they were freaking endings! Instead, show creator David mother bleepin' Chase decides it would be artsy and clever to leave us all with a cliffhanger. An ending that left more people asking if something was wrong with their cable box than the time they turned on their TV and realized Wilmer Valderama was hosting some sort of trash talking smack down. No, I don't want to tell Yo Momma jokes for "straight cash monies", and I don't want to see the show end with no real resolution! Sure, Phil Leotardo's dome got crushed, and some peeps puked, but where was the big bang to pull it altogether? I thought it was coming when AJ was burning in his car, but no dice. Then maybe when Paulie was actin' all shady I thought he was gonna narc them all out, but again no luck. All the shady dudes in the diner at the end? Nothing! Fuck you David Chase. You're so damn lucky the first three seasons of your show were so dank, because basically the last half a decade has sucked some major ass. I see the novelty in ending the series as he did, but it just doesn't fly in my world. I know in real life shit doesn't always come together in the end in a nice little package, but I don't want real life! It's TV man! Gimmie the shootouts, gimmie the double crosses, and for crying out loud, give me some freaking answers! Thanks for nothin' Sopranos. You may have accomplished your goal of having everyone talking the next day, but you failed in actually delivering a truly entertaining ending to what many people consider one of the best series in television history. Of course, I still think Breaking Bonaduce is the gold standard for TV greatness, but I think that might just be me...

Red Sox Update
Overall: 41-21, 1st in AL East by 9.5 games
Status: I'm beginning to sense that all of my criticism and full blown hatred for David Jonathan Drew, has basically made all of my friends rabid Drew supporters. Perhaps it's because I always am spouting how right I am, so they want to shoot me down, but if that's the case I'll just chalk all that up to jealousy. After all, if I weren't me, I know I'd be jealous of my vast array of facts, puns, one-liners, and all around pimpness. But I'm lucky enough, that I am me! Who'd have thunk it? And as the all-knowing, all encompassing brain that is yours truly, all I have to say to all you Drewchbag's out there is this. Suck it! My stance all along has been this. Ideally, I would love for the Sox to thrive, and for Drew to suck. And for a good 55+ games there, everything was just fine. However, I've always maintained, that if the Sox need Drew to deliver in order to win, then I'll be right up front rooting for him to do so. I mean shit, I want the Sox to win more than I want Drew to struggle and ultimately fail. I just think the guy's a prick, I think we overpaid for him, and I think he's a weak minded under achiever that has no chance in hell of making it in this market. Getting 7 RBI's in one game (in a park where he had a career .486 average goin' into the series by the way) and going 8 for 17 in his last 4 games are both good signs that he's coming out of his slump, but by no means is he even close to justifying what he's being paid, or even living up to what he's done in the past. I know the players don't really control how much they make, which is why I'm just as unhappy with Theo Epstein as I am with Drew. It's bringing in guys like Drew has been what's kept this team spinning it's wheels since it's World Series in 2004. It was Theo that pulled the trigger on some great deals to bring us that title, but since, his eye for free agent talent apparently has a scratched cornea. But that's a whole other column all together. The idea here is I don't wanna hear about Drew until he's hitting .280, with 15 dingers, and 55 RBI. Then maybe I'll start to reconsider if he was a good pickup or not. I still won't like the money grubbin' under achiever, but maybe I can learn to respect his game, and appreciate what he's brought to the Sox. Haaaahahaha. Yea right. Even had myself goin' there for a minute. If Drew can pull that shit off, I'm not sure what I'll do. I am however, open to suggestions. Who's got the balls to propose a bet, huh?

Diamonds Are Forever
*I had the good pleasure of producing Roger Clemens' first game in 2007 for 99.7 and 790 The Score on Saturday. And while the Rocket was hurling his 6 innings and 108 pitches against the Pirates, I had the more distinguished pleasure of listening to Yankee broadcaster John Sterling repeat the phrase "Clemens, Pettitte, Wang, Mussina. There aren't going to be any staffs better than that." Geez, jump the gun much? I guess I should have expected that reaction from a guy whose partner, Suzyn Waldman, had feminine joy juice running down the sides of her hosiery when she saw Clemens announce his return at Yankee stadium. I'm not trying to downplay the Rocket's return, but let's take this start for what it was, and try to take from it what we will be seeing from Rog for the rest of the season. First, the positives. Roger was able to throw 108 pitches, which was more than anticipated, and he was able to strike out 7 batters. In addition, from the highlights I've seen, his splitter, the best pitch in his arsenal, seemed to be diving down in the zone and fooling batters just as it has since the mid 80's. All good signs. Now, the not so good news. While giving up 3 runs in 6 innings (4.50 ERA) isn't bad for a first start, giving up 3 runs to the team with the lowest on base percentage in all of baseball (.312) isn't exactly encouraging. Neither is giving up the lead the that same squad, let alone in your home ball park. So to recap. Clemens returned to his home park, against arguably the worst offensive team in baseball, and on 6 days rest, to throw a "pretty good" outing. I'm not saying he's gonna fall flat on his face or anything, I'm just waiting to see more. He basically came back into the perfect situation, and I want to see how this 44 year old reacts after 4 days rest, against good clubs, and on the road. Then maybe I'll start talking about how the Yankees now have a rotation worthy of competing with the Red Sox. Until then, suck on it John Sterling....or at least tell Suzyn Waldman to suck on it for you! I hear she inhales so much meat, they call her the Kobayashi of the locker room, so I like your chances John!

*Reason #4,985 why Ichiro Suzuki is the man. Check this quote out...

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

While I can think of safer ways to keep myself from saying something like that, you gotta admire his spirit! I personally would have rather him say it about Philadelphia, but I guess you can't win 'em all.

News and Notes
*I know the Belmont was this weekend (mainly because I lost all my Preakness winnings betting on it!), but the real horse race was naturally between some random horse, and Bengal wide receiver, Chad Johnson. Ocho Cinco is the man, and while maybe he didn't need such a large head start, you gotta love how afterward he was all pumped to take on all sorts of other challenges. This guy is one a of a kind, and in an age where there's so much negative press about athletes, it's great to see a guy that can laugh at himself. What a true entertainer! Matter of fact, I'm inspired by Chad, and I've decided to race a horse myself. No head start for me, though. My race is straight up. I have to run the 100 yard dash faster than Barbaro.....can be squeezed out of the glue tube he's in. Ouch? I got loots on me!

*There was a little matter that came up last week that I wanted to address, but didn't have the time. So, rather than letting you guys off the hook, I've decided to revisit the topic. Besides, I think you'll enjoy it. So, last week it was brought to my attention that a picture was posted on the front page of a Texas newspaper that displayed, by accident of course, Daniel Gibson's cock. Take a look for yourself... (Gibson is #1, and his alleged wang is hangin' out of the right leg of his shorts)

Hope you had a good laugh at that one, because now it's time for me to spoil your fun. As much as I'd like to tell you that we've found the long lost bastard child of Tommy Lee and (insert black female celebrity), it's just not the truth. First off, notice how Gibson is wearing spandex under his game shorts? Well, unless there's a huge hole in those suckers (which if that was his cock I think it might be able to poke through), I don't think it would be too easy for his cock to make it that far out there. The shadows in the picture certainly make it look like Gibson has a 3 foot flaccid man stick, but common sense (spandex) and logic (hugest cock ever!) tell us that it probably just isn't true. Oh, and since the Cavs are busy having their own "meat" handed to them by the Spurs in the NBA Finals, you can consider what I just wrote, my NBA Finals update for this week. Hey there third leg rumors!

*I guess you have to go through all the motions when it comes to the NBA Draft, but watching Joakim Noah speak to reporters after working out for the Celtics just made me laugh. I understand that Ainge and friends need to have all the potential lottery picks in for workouts to cover their asses, but if the C's are actually considering picking Noah with the 5th selection in the draft, then I'll be forced to laugh, then vomit, then continue laughing, then eventually cry....tears of joy of course. Not only does Noah suck, but he's possibly the ugliest bastard not currently riding on a small bus while wearing a helmet. I mean far be it for me to make fun of someone for the way they look, but I just can't stand this guy, so I feel the need to take cheap shots whenever possible. His hair looks like a bad perm, his lips are oddly large, and the gap in his teeth is so large, I'm pretty sure I just saw Al Cowlings slowly drive through them in a white Bronco, followed by several police cruisers. And yea I could mention that the Celts also brought in other top level stars to workout, but that's not nearly as funny, and it doesn't help support my claim that the C's are gonna draft Noah, now does it! I like to make a habit of only using facts that help my argument. That way, I'm always right, but I can also always say "oh but that's not what I said". What a country.

*On a much more positive note, the US Open is this weekend at Oakmont Country Club in Pennsylvania. Actually, it should be a more positive note, but thanks to the United States Golf Association, it might look more like your local Muni Open and less like the best golfer's in the world doin' their thang. That's because, every year, the USGA makes sure the rough is longer, the fairways smaller and the greens faster at the US Open than they have been at any course or any tournament in the history of the world. Matter of fact, after practice rounds early in the week, many players are predicting that the winning score could be as high as (+10). Brutal. Now, this wouldn't be the first time that the players have said stuff like that and then the winning score was (-2), but it seems like this is only an issue when it comes to the US Open. Many people think it's actually the goal of the USGA to embarrass players when it comes to the Open, rather than challenge them, and I tend to agree. It's one thing to make "par" a high score, and it's totally another to eliminate birdies and eagles from rounds altogether. One of the ironic things is, that when the Open was last held at Oakmont in 1994, Ernie Els won it in a playoff after finishing 4 rounds at (-1) 279. Sounds challenging enough to me doesn't it? Oh well, hopefully it will still be entertaining, birdie-golf, rather than boring grind it out golf, but one never knows with these things. As usual, my pick is T. Woods. I don't care he missed the cut at the '06 Open (won by Jeff Ogilvy), he's out for blood this time, and there's no denying him!

*And speaking of golf, blood, and entertaining, there's John Daly. Daly showed up at Oakmont this week with scratches on his face, that he claims came from when his wife attacked him. His wife, on the other hand, claims Daly came at her with a knife, and then scratched his face in order to make it look as if he attacked her. WOW. All I go for ya there, is it looks like these two deserve each other, doesn't it? Good luck JD. And we wonder why this guy is always hittin' the sauce like he's tryin' to drown his stomach. Damn.

Fantasy Update
Last Week: WON, 13-11-0 vs chisoxfan4life
Overall: 3rd place, 33.5 games back (121-103-16)

*It may have only been ten days since we've discussed the status of my fantasy squad "Coke Ho Crisp" (formerly known as J.D. Drewchbag), but my team has gone through some major changes in that short time. When it comes to building a baseball team, I find it's always a good strategy to model your team after guys with proven track records of success. So while I admire many general managers in the game today, I've chosen to use the Billy Beane method this year in hopes of attaining that small virtual trophy that I so deeply covet. In the book chronicling the Oakland A's GM, Moneyball, Beane said that when it came to building and evaluating your team, it was best to divide your season into thirds. First third you use as a time to evaluate what you have. Second third you go out and get what you think you need. And in the final third, you play the hand you got, and hope for the best. Well, the first third of my season is over, and I have thrown myself into the trading game with full force to address my team's needs. Through the trading market, and the free agent market, I hoped to bolster my team's power numbers, while at the same time adding speed, batting average, and a top of the rotation pitcher with good strikeout numbers. I feel good about the moves I've made so far, but I'll let you be the judge. Here are the boys I've shipped out, the boys I've shipped in, and the few precious pieces I was able to salvage from the crap shoot that is, the waiver wire. Take a look...

1B Derek Lee (.332, 6 HR, 35 RBI, 33 runs)
OF Aaron Rowand (.325, 8 HR, 30 RBI, 41 runs)

SP Mark Buehrle (3-3, 3.69 ERA, 52 K's)
RP Bobby Jenks (2-2, 2.59 ERA, 17 saves, 23 K's)
RP Francisco Cordero (0-1, 2.05 ERA, 22 saves, 37 K's)

OF Manny Ramirez (.291, 8 HR, 33 RBI)
OF Carlos Beltran (.284, 9 HR, 36 RBI, 9 SB)
OF Juan Pierre (.271, 13 RBI, 34 runs, 19 SB)

SP John Lackey (9-4, 2.60 ERA, 67 K's)
RP Jason Isringhausen (3-0, 1.80 ERA, 14 saves)

*Felt I had to totally revamp my outfield, and I think I did a pretty good job. Added stolen base threats in Beltran and Pierre, and added three guys that have a history of flat out hitting. They may all seem a little on the down side right now, but I don't think predicting that these guys will rebound into their All-Star form is all that big of a jump. With Lackey, I add a top of the line starter to go opposite Doc Halladay, and a pretty big strikeout guy. While I wait for Dontrelle Willis and Jeff Suppan to get into groves, I still have Tom Gorzellany, Oliver Perez and Boof Bonser filling in nicely. I did have to part with two of my stud relievers, but my hope is that I let Cordero go while he was at his peak, and that Isringhausen will be solid enough to keep me from having to deal for another closer. Slight risk, but relievers really only win you one category a week, so it's a risk totally worth taking.

Waiver Wire
C Mike Napoli (.266, 7 HR, 24 RBI)
3B/OF Casey Blake (.276, 9 HR, 32 RBI)
2B Kaz Matsui (.321, 1 HR, 14 RBI, 11 SB)

*All three of these guys have been on fire since I've picked them up, and in the case of Blake and Napoli, they have helped fill major voids on my squad. I know you were all really concerned about my lack of production at third base and catcher, so I just wanted to fill you in, so you can finally get a good night's rest again.

*And if you actually cared enough to read through all the goings on in my fantasy baseball trade-a-palooza, then I feel you should be rewarded. Reap the benefits of your hard work, and don't let me hear you saying I never do anything for you! If I do hear that, I'm flat out gonna cut you....go ahead, try me. Enjoy!


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