Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Duck Gets Knocked Up!

I love me some Tiger Woods, there's no doubt about that. But seeing as Tiger didn't win the US Open this weekend in Shittsburgh, there isn't a guy I would have rather seen walk away with the trophy than Argentina's very own, Angel Cabrera. I mean what's not to love about this dude? His nickname is "the Duck", he smokes more butts than DeNiro in Casino, and he worked his way from local country club caddy to US Open champion with no coach, no trainer....basically no freaking help at all! Matter of fact, Cabrera said that while the other guys on tour have head doctors and swing doctors to help them with their game, he's got good 'ole nicotine to calm him down or to set him straight. That a boy! And while Cabrera might not be a household name to fans in the US, or even a regular contender in major tournaments, it's not a total shock that he came away with the title due to his competitive nature. When the course is as difficult as Oakmont was, it almost takes the advantage away from the top players. Think about it. The top guys in the world got that way by shaping their game around mastering the courses on the PGA Tour schedule, and every year, the US Open is unlike any course the players see. So when they say Open, they ain't kidding. So, since it was there for the taking, why not the aggressive Argentinian? While players like Woods and Furyk were aiming at the center of greens, Cabrera was shooting for the flag sticks. Sure, it cost him a few bogeys on his way in, but it was also the strategy that gave him two rounds under par this week, when nobody else had more than one (and the entire tourney had 8 total rounds shot under par).

That's also why I don't think it's fair to say Tiger choked the Open title away. All the way through his final round, Tiger had to think that most of the inexperienced and flat out not as skilled players would come back to the pack. Especially Cabrera, who was taking so many chances. Then, all of a sudden, Woods finds himself one shot down, with three holes to play, and no real chances left to take. Once he failed to get up and down from the bunker on 17 for a lead tying birdie, you knew he'd blown his only chance. His putter never got hot, and it cost him. So no, he didn't choke in that final round, he just didn't have command of his entire game, and it cost him his 13th major title. I laugh at the guys that say Tiger has lost his edge because of his consecutive 2nd place finishes in majors, because they're just trying to stir up some bull shit. He's still the mack daddy pimp of the PGA, and he will be until he decides to retire, with the record for career majors well in hand.

This isn't about Tiger though, for once, it's about Cabrera. He's the new "Everyman" in golf, at least for a few months, so let's enjoy him. In a day and age where everyone is so serious in the game, it's great to see such a jolly man take home the crown. Now all we need is for John Daly to stop harassing/trying to stab his wife, and maybe we can get these two in some sort of buffet/golf/cig smokin' triathlon. Can you say Pay-Per-Puff? Lord knows I can!
Red Sox Update
Overall: 44-25, 1st place in AL East by 8 games
Status: Who would have thought the new found JD Drew bandwagon would have had a shorter shelf life than OK Soda? Kidding, kidding. Even though I could lay into Drew for continuing to struggle, he is batting .292 this month (although only .269 since that 7 RBI game on June 8th). Nah, these days my beef is with head coach Tito Francona, for moving Drew to #1 in the batting order! I know that the offense has been scuffling of late, but how is putting Drew in the one hole the answer? I'll admit, the offense does need to pick it up (3.6 runs per game in last 13 games), but that's mostly because guys like Drew and Lugo are clogging it up. So, while moving Lugo to 9th was a help, he was replaced with Drew, which is like replacing Curly with Shepp. I understand that everyone is still convinced that Drew is gonna start to hit, and how he's always been an On Base Percentage machine, but if he's not actually doing any of these things it's just a good "idea" and not a good "decision". I can't say I have a great solution to the Sox lead off problems, I just know that it would have prolly been better left alone than tinkered with in this fashion. If the boys in the middle can start to crank out the runs, none of this is gonna matter anyway, and with Manny really startin' to swing a hot bat, I think a lot of these issues will just work themselves out. Winnin' and scorin' runs tends to take care of stupid shit like an idiot leadoff man.

*And no, I'm not even gonna start with how Curt thinks he sucks now. Just because he had his first outing without a strikeout since 1993, and got knocked around a little by the Bravos, doesn't mean the world is coming to an end. If you want access to the drama queen's brain, feel free to check it out @

Diamonds Are Forever
*Dare I say it, but it looks like George Mitchell and Major League Baseball may be close to getting somewhere with their steroid investigation. The word on the street, is that Jason Giambi has gone Henry Hill/Sammy the Bull, and has "worked a deal out" to cooperate with the Mitchell investigation. I'm tellin' ya, this guy is about to sing like the roided out canary that he is. His comments to the media earlier this year about how everyone needed to apologize for steroids, was just the first chink in his armor. This shit is eating at him. Unlike Barroid, his integrity and his conscience might have actually gotten to him and he wants to come clean? We'll have to wait and see what he says, but this could turn out to be some real shit. All it's gonna take is one RAT to sink this roid inflated ship, and it looks to me like MLB has found their martyr. And yes, he has tribal tats around his rapidly shrinking biceps.

*Baltimore Orioles. Ten years, 5 head coaches. Hmmmm. I'm gonna go ahead and say it's not the coaches. Message to Peter Angelos: Please sell the team, so the Oriole's can be decent competition in the AL East again. Let whoever comes in trade Miguel Tejada, and try to rebuild that once proud franchise, or just get the hell out of the baseball business. You can only blame so many other people, before realizing you're the problem, my man. Hey there Mark Cuban! Screw the Cubs and buy the Orioles! They actually have a nice ball park that's not full of boozed out retards (although Camden Yards is mostly full of Sox fans, oh well).

*Props to Derrek Lee and Chris Young for brawlin' on Saturday afternoon. I'm not really condoning brawling in baseball, or for throwing at guys for that matter, it's just I was so pleased to see baseball players actually throwing punches! After Young tagged Lee with a 2-strike heater, the two had words, which quickly led to a thrown punch by each. Sure, neither connected, but what a sight it was! Lee at 6'6", and Young at 6'10" standing toe to toe and trying to trade blows. Woo! Really gets the blood flowing, doesn't it? My only question is, what the hell were the umpires doing? Don't they know the Cubs love to scrap, or that when two guys that size walk towards each other yelling it usually doesn't end in a game of paddy cake? I'm glad they didn't interfere, but still, shouldn't they be watching the field, rather than chatting it up with the catcher? And at the risk of biting the hand that feeds me, what's up with this sketchy video? Is it me, or does this A)look like it was recorded off of a small Tokyo boy's TV or B)the game was somehow played in 1955, recorded by Marty McFly, and brought back to the future? It's too close a call for me, you be the judge....

News and Notes
*The flat out fact of the matter is, some people have vices, addictions, and habits that they just can't break. For me or you, it could be food, a beverage, or gambling that's got us hooked. But when it comes to Adam "Pac Man" Jones, he can't seem to stop going to strip clubs till 4 AM, making it rain on the stage, and having someone in his entourage empty a few clips or paralyze a security guard or two. Yep, it happened again. Fresh off his suspension by NFL Sheriff Roger Goodell, and Jones' own pledge to clean up his life, "PacYourBags, Man" and his peeps were again involved in another strip bar shootout. Evidence says Pac Man wasn't at the scene at the time of the shooting, this time, but that he was at the club into the mornings wee hours, and he was with the thugs that ended up shooting someones car up. Story goes, P-Money's boys asked a chick "how much for a lap dance", only she wasn't a stripper. I'm sure you can imagine what happened after that, as I know we've all seen Cheaters, Jerry Springer and Cops, so I'll spare the rest. But come on Pac Man! Can't you just pay the strippers to come to your crib? I mean what's your obsession with going to flesh factories with your liquored up, gun totin' homies? Do you just not want to play in the NFL anymore? If you need nonstop sex shows, use the Internet man! Why the hell you think Al Gore created that thing anyway? I understand you have a lot working against you (named after a yellow ball, went to West Virginia, addicted to making it rain), but your talented man, and as fans we want to see your ass on the field! So stay home bro. Mix in a few nights at the movies, or a few dinners with the fam, and stay out of the nudie bars! I figure, if Hugh Heffner can serve his sex addiction without ending up at the police station with his cheeks spread on a weekly basis, then so can you, P-Man. Last thing we want is for you to end up on a leash, with Roger Goodell walkin' your ass to and from the can.

*Hey make room Billy Donovan and Brett Favre, because apparently Kobe Bryant is aching to be a member of your "Flip Flopping Frauds Club". You know, the guys that like to ask for trades, or sign contracts, and then...ooops!...they change their mind! Yeah, apparently none of them were there in grades K-12 and beyond when you were taught every day that the only thing you have is your word, and that when you sign a freaking contract or ask for a freaking trade via various media outlets, you need to stick to it! I don't want to hear about how it's a bargaining ploy either. If you want to make a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life, you should sit down and really, really think it through before opening your big yap. Don't just blurt shit out, and then go back on it, because that makes you a FRAUD. And nobody likes a FRAUD my friends. Matter of fact, the only thing I hate more than a FRAUD, is one that is flip flopping so much, that he's taking up precious headline and column space! So let mew contribute no more, and let these tools keep their thoughts to themselves, and wait for their agents and managers to edit them before they come spewing across the front pages. Stay, go, I don't care.....just do it quietly before I vomit.

Fantasy Update
Last Week: WON, 13-8-3 vs I'm Better Than You
Overall: 3rd place, 32 games back (134-111-19)

*Well, I won another week I should have totally lost, so now I'm just confused and/or weirded out. My team still can't seem to pitch worth a damn, and every time I look up it seems one of my stud outfielders just went 0-for with 3 K's. Guess I shouldn't mess with a good thing? Hmmm, I just don't like the looks of this.

*Stop feeling bad for Tiger Woods for not winning the US Open, because he had a baby! And in honor the the next/first Michelle Wie, (her name is Sam Woods), here's a video treat. It's a deleted scene from the new comedy, Knocked Up and while I haven't seen it, I can only imagine how funny it is if this is what they're leavin' out. Mouth full of Ledger?! Enjoy...


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