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Friday, May 25, 2007

You Want The Truth? You Can't Handle The Truth!

Say It Ainge So...
Well NBA Draft Lottery, thanks for nothin'! The Celtics went in with a 20% chance to land the top pick, and delusions of Greg Oden dancing in their head. They left, with a swift kick in the junk, an embarrassed GM, and the rights to draft either a 7 foot Asian swing man, or a bunch of other suspect college bums. Of course, Ainge tried the "we are disappointed, but this is a deep draft" card, but absolutely nobody is buying it. The C's got the shaft worse than the fresh fish in Attica, and now they are left to wonder, what the hell do we do now?

As I said before the lottery, the only bullet that GM Danny Ainge has left in his water pistol of a gun, is Paul Pierce. Ainge's youth movement would have been sped up with the addition of either Kevin Durant or ideally, Greg Oden, but now that it's apparent that ain't happenin', it's time to trade the present, and make an honest attempt at building for the future. And when it comes to trading, Pierce is the only viable trade chip you have anyway. You don't want to deal Jefferson, who's finally come into his own, and there's nobody else that other teams might covet. I keep hearing the name Gerald Green come up in trade discussions, but I got news for ya. Sixteen teams passed on drafting Green, and he hasn't done anything since to make them rethink their decision. So if you think he's a hot commodity simply because he's raw and young, then your just going to have to think again. Even the #5 pick as a trading chip doesn't work. There are good players to be had at 5, but this draft is all about being in the top 2. In essence, there's two "franchise" guys in Durant and Oden, and everyone else.

But I ask the question. Is it a bad thing that Pierce is our only tradeable player? Not in my eyes. Granted, I think the guy is a marquee player in this league, but I have to say again, he doesn't jive with the rebuilding effort Ainge has put in place. Either we take this opportunity as a franchise to totally commit to a rebuilding plan (again), or we just accept the fact that the team, as currently constructed, will do no better than perhaps another Eastern Conference Finals appearance in 2-3 years from now. That doesn't cut it. The goal here, is to win titles. And if that is indeed what Danny Ainge is trying to do, then he has no choice but to trade The Truth, and start over. That's right....again.

Ah, fuck it. Just fire Ainge and Rivers. That's all I really want anyway. Bastards. That way we can tank one more year, and land OJ Mayo in the 2008 draft. Matter of fact. I hope we draft Mayo, and then he stabs Ainge with a rusty shiv, and has one of his homies blast Doc with some sort of sawed off shottie. That's talent, that's justice, and that's what it's gonna take for me to be a Celts fan again.....that and resigning Kevin Pittsnoggle. But you can't win 'em all I guess....right Danny?
Red Sox Update
Overall: 31-15, 1st in AL East by 9 1/2 games
Status: Neither team swept, Torre didn't get canned, and Schill didn't drill A-Rod for cheap shotting Dustin "Doug Flutie" Pedroia. All in all, pretty much a wash if you ask me. Did we learn anything from this series? Sure...the Yanks aren't "dead", and the Sox aren't invincible. I give the Yankees credit for winning a series they should have won, and if they can continue to hit like they did against the Sox, then the outlook could be much rosier than anticipated. It will still come down to pitching, but scoring 17 runs every 3 games isn't exactly going to hurt their cause. I never counted the Yanks out, so don't consider this me "counting them back in", but they did show life. The true test comes June 1st-3rd when the Bombers travel to Fenway, with the Rocket, Roger Clemens, in tow. Realistic or not, that's the series that everyone is going to base their season long outlook on. If Roger is good, and the Yanks get 2 wins or more, it's suddenly a race again. But should the opposite happen, and the Yanks lose 2 or more, then the New York papers will begin writing their obituaries on the '07 season. They may say that we here in Mass jump the gun on declaring our teams "dead" or "champions", but I guarantee that will be the reaction in the Big Apple. Right or wrong, I really could care less. I just love that these two teams seem to face each other every 10 days. And speakin' of the Yanks...

Diamonds Are Forever*Everybody freeze!....Nobody move! No, I'm not trying to reenact a scene from Half Baked, I'm just imagining what Carl Pavano said to the Yanks before his latest trip to the DL, this time for more than a season. MY only advice to Carl, is next time, if he's going to rob somebody, just stick to using a gun and a mask. That way, they can't identify you, and you won't have to continuously break your body parts in order to collect your loot. Guess I can't really argue with his methods though. For making just 19 starts in his Yankee career, Pavano will haul in a cool $40 mil. I could break down how much that is per inning, pitch or strike, but why even bother. It's an ass load of money, plain and simple. I'm not sure if this latest injury secures Pavano as the worst free agent signing in history (see: Chan Ho Park, Darren Dreifort, Mo Vaughn), but it definitely puts him in the running. Never fear though. With Pavano projected to be up and running about 12-15 months from now, expect another team desperate for pitching to give him another contract that he surely won't live up to. What a country. $40 mil for sitting on your ass, dating hot actresses and pitching once every month or so. I knew I missed my calling!

*I knew Tampa Bay rookie out fielder Elijah Dukes had somethin' special about him. I just didn't know that his "special" skills included threatening to kill his estranged wife and her two kids. I also didn't know he was such a technology buff, as he proved by sending her a photo of the gun he allegedly was going to shoot her with. Like she really needed that. What, he was trying to prove that he actually had a gun? Right, because people can't find pictures of guns online. If you really want to impress her, next time make a video with your phone of you shooting a dummy with her face pasted on it. Then, at the end of the video, make sure and say "that was me shooting you and killing you, you filthy whore". If she doesn't get the picture, then I'm afraid that marriage just isn't meant to work.

*And as long as we're talking about ugly baseball news, why not continue to kick dirt on the good name of recently deceased Cardinal reliever, Josh Hancock. This time though, instead of reporters digging into the former players tragic death, it's his father. Earlier this week, Dean Hancock announced his intent to sue Mike Shannon's Restaurant, for serving his son too many drinks, and Eddie's towing, whose tow truck was the vehicle that struck Hancock's, leading to his death. Not to mention, he's trying to sue the driver who's car was stalled, creating the need for the tow truck in the first place. Now, I understand suing the bar, but the rest of this shit is just totally unnecessary. As irresponsible as it is, any drunk driving accident is truly a tragedy. That being said, simply suing everyone involved is totally not the way to go about things. If I got drunk and drove into a telephone pole, should my family then sue the phone company? Of course not. Hancock's father just needs to move on. I know that may sound a bit harsh, but the longer he drags this thing out, the worse he's going to look and the more he is going to damage the memory of his dead son. This should be more about preventing drunk driving, or mourning the loss of a friend/son, than it should be about suing people. The money isn't going to bring your son back, Mr. Hancock, and all these frivelous lawsuits are going to do, is make the whole situation that much worse.

News and Notes*I've never been a huge fan of Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg in the morning on ESPN radio and ESPN2 TV, but they've always been worth watching at that time in the morning, seeing as there is basically nothing else on worth watching. That is, until now. Those of you that watch, have noticed that the show has recently upgraded from a simple radio station, to a full fledged TV set. Also, due to the fact that Mike and Mike do Arena football commentary, the show is often broadcast from remote locations such as bars or hotels. Well, it seems like all the changes have gone straight to Greenberg's head. Dude shows up every day looking more and more metrosexual, yet acting more and more macho. Listen here, Peenberg, you're a loser. I'm not just saying that because you're a journalist that wishes he were an athlete (because hey, what's wrong with that?). I'm saying it because you have the air about you lately that you're too cool for school, and you are sooooo not. You're jokes are beat, the music you play is beat, the way you talk down to everyone is beat, and your clothes look like you get styling tips from a 10th grader circa 1996. I understand you want to try and be a rebel when it comes to the ESPN dress code, but a necklace? And get a new hair style. It looks like an angry monkey hurls the gel at him from across the room, and he tries to catch it with his head. For crying out loud. Are you a grown man, or just a freaking metro loser? Can the attitude, and just talk sports. The show was a lot better when it was all about the sports, not all about the show. Let Golic talk, get to some news worthy topics, and stop trying to make a bit out of every topic that scrolls across the news reel on any given day. I understand the line between sports and entertainment is constantly blurred, just don't go out of your way to help erase the line by making the show more about how small and metro you are, and less about the actual sports news you're supposed to be discussing.
*Bengal head coach Marvin Lewis is right. It's not that his players act like total asses in public, causing them to get arrested. It's the fact that the police in the area purposely profile the Cincy players. Lewis said that, "most people don't get pulled over for failing to signal for a right turn", and that incidents like that were evidence that his players were being singled out. Sure Marv. I'm sure it has nothing to do with your boys being boozed 3 times higher than the legal limit (Chris Henry), and choosing to piss on the side of the road. Of course, immediately after making these comments, Lewis retracted them, but it's too little too late if you ask me. You can't just go throwing around the word "profiling" when it comes to black men driving cars, and expect people to instantly forget it. I do, however, have a tip for the Bengal coach, if he does indeed want his players to stop getting pulled over. Stop drafting thugs, stop drafting dudes from West Virginia, and stop making it mandatory that your team wear their jerseys when they go out to "get crunk" or "get their goose on". Maybe that way, it will be tougher for the cops to spot them. It's the jerseys that are giving them away! Not only do they have the players names on the back, but the jerseys are too expensive for any hick in the Cincy metro area to afford. If Chris Henry were strictly rockin' his over sized white T, then maybe this wouldn't be an issue at all!

*Seeing as I forgot to mention thus earlier in the week, I'll hit it now. Most of you have probably already heard, but the Patriots earlier this week resigned veteran linebacker, Junior Seau, for another season. Junior may be 38, and headed into his 18th season, but the guy can still play. He averaged almost 7 tackles a game in the 11 he played with New England last year, and at the very least provides depth to an already strong line backing corps. If there's one thing we've all learned over the years as NFL fans, it's you can never be too deep, especially on defense.

*Right along those lines, the Pats also decided to retain injury prone defensive back Randall Gay for this season. Gay was on the Pats last Super Bowl winning team, and should help provide depth to a position, defensive back, that is probably the biggest question mark entering the season. With Harrison aging, Samuel still unsigned, and rookie Brandon Merriweather new to the system, the Pats seem to need all the help they can get. Besides, his last name is GAY! And isn't that really what this is all about? Now I'm just holding out hope that Gay can stay healthy long enough for the Pats to have both he and WR Decody Fagg on their roster next year. Imagine those two matching up against each other in practice. Then all we would need was a QB named Tony Homo, and we'd be all set. Homo drops back, avoids the penetration from Gay....and finds a wide open Fagg who takes it in.....the ASS! Ha!
*Finally, we have Keyshawn Johnson. It was about a month ago that we last saw Key, telling former USC wide out, Dwayne Jarrett, that he couldn't wait to start work with him as a new Carolina Panther teammate. How quickly things change. Not only is Keyshawn no longer a Panther (they cut his ass a week after the draft), but he's no longer in the league! Johnson announced earlier this week that he would retire, and begin working as a football analyst for who else, but ESPN. Much like Marshall Faulk before him, Johnson started working for ESPN while he was still a player, more or less paving the way for a career after football. Good move if you ask me. I mean I don't really care for Keyshawn as an analyst, but you can't play forever, so why not change gears in your career while you're still relevant to the sports world? I just hope they don't decide to team him up with Michael Irvin. The last thing ESPN needs is someone egging him on, and don't we all know it. Seeing as his career is over however, it's time to ask the question. Is Keyshawn Hall of Fame worthy? Simply put, N to the O! After being selected #1 in the '96 draft, Key managed only one 100 catch season in his career ('01), only one double digit touchdown season in his career (10 TDs in '98), and only broke 1,000 yards receiving 4 times in his 11 seasons. He was one of the better possesion receivers in the league over the last decade, and maybe being #1 overall set the standards too high, but I just don't see him getting in the Hall. He will be remembered as an entertaining reciever, whose battles with Bill Parcells and Jon Gurden always kept us on our toes. And as a player who's talent was always overshadowed by his mouth. Maybe if he had stopped telling us how great he was for a few minutes, then his numbers actually would be Hall worthy. Oh well, maybe in the next life. For now, just give him the damn mic!

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