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Friday, May 18, 2007

Dice?...Check!...Meth?...Check!...Roids?...Check!

Red Sox Update
Overall: 28-12
Status: All is well in my Red Sox world. The Red dudes are cruisin' atop the AL East, and my arch nemesis, David Jonathan Drew, is suckin' harder than degenerate Vegas meth freak on a penny slot machine. You won't hear me, like you will most "hardcore Sox fans", bitchin' about the Pedroia vs Cora situation, Beckett's "avulsion" or beside myself trying to find a replacement for #5 starter, Julian Tavarez. Instead, I choose to revel in the fact that my home town team is in first place by 9 and a half games, fresh off a doubleheader sweep of the defending league champs, in which their Asian Sensation tossed his first complete game. And best of all, they're killing the Yankees. Mwwwuaahahahaha. The only bad part is, with nothing to bitch about, I have to face the harsh realization that interleague play is upon. Can't we get rid of this already? It was a a quirky way to get fans back into the game after the strike in '94, but the game is fine now, and the novelty has run it's course. Let's be done with

Diamonds Are Forever *Someone needs to tell Jason Giambi that he never actually admitted publicly to using steroids. Giambi came out this week and said that Major League Baseball should apologize for what steroids have done to the game, and that he too was sorry for using steroids. Whoa, what?! I mean, we all "knew" that Giambi used steroids, but unless I am mistaken, and I know I'm not, this is the first time he has ever admitted to it outside of a courtroom setting. Remeber his apology before? It was like, "what the hell are you apologizing for?!" But hey, I give him credit, it worked. People got off his back, and despite the fact that he got "sick" and shriveled up like a Golden Girl in a hot tub, he still won Comeback Player of the Year! So why did he speak up now? Did he just slip up? Not likely. What's more likely is, even though he never came out and said he used roids, he's probably heard that he has so frequently that Jason himself believes it's common knowledge that he was on the juice. And, well...he's right. But what is the league going to do about it? George Mitchell and his gang of bounty hunters have been scrappin' around for dirt for over a year now, and they got shit, and now Giambi drops this bomb? Shouldn't they now just go after him? The problem this whole time with Bonds, Sheffield and Giambi, is that their "admission" of using steroids was always part of leaked grand jury testimony so it couldn't be used against them. Well, now that Giambi has came forth and said it himself, can't they easily take him out? It certainly seems like they could, and I fully expect them too. I'm not too sure what Jason had in mind when he opened his mouth in this instance, but I'll be damned if it doesn't become a major distraction and a major inconvenience for both Giambi and the Yanks.

*About two weeks ago, thanks to FOX's mic on Julio Lugo, I realized for the first time that not only does Ichiro Suzuki speak English, but he speaks it better than most people I know! In case you missed that encounter, it went somethin' like this. The two teams were changing sides, Ichiro started talking to Lugo, and when he realized Lugo was packin' a recording device, gave a quick laugh and ran away like Carmelo after a quick right hook. So imagine my shock, when not only was Ichiro talking to the media, but spewing his thoughts on everything from his game, to steroids in baseball. On the latter, Ichiro said he didn't think it was cheating, because there was no rule against it, and that taking roids didn't make a player any better. Whatever. But it was his next statement that really grabbed my attention. Ichiro said, that when he turns 40, he would like to stop playing the field, and become a knuckle ball pitcher. Not only that, but scouts that follow the team say that Ichiro has thrown 95+ off of a mound in practice. Jesus Heroin Christ. Is this Ichiro Suzuki or Roy Hobbs in the Natural? I know the guy has a cannon strapped to his tiny little Asian fram, but hittin' the gun at 95? Damn son. Why don't the Mariners just toss this guy out there now? Do they have better guys they are hiding? Because if not, he may be the one of the best starters they got! Hey, I remember a certain Pittsburgh Pirates AAA first basemen that turned the knuckle ball into a nice fall back plan in his career. Of course that man was Tim Wakefield, and he didn't exactly have the offensive prowess of Ichiro. The switch doesn't work for everyone though. After a nice MLB career with Atlanta, 2nd baseman Mark Lemke was never able to make it past AA as a knuckler. It's a slippery slope Ichiro, but I think if anyone can pull it off, it's you....and maybe Brian Daubach.

*Uh oh, looks like Bonds is pissed. No, not Barry Bonds, that would make too much sense. This time, it's Bobby Bonds Jr. that has beef, and it's with none other than Hammerin' Hank Aaron. Little Bobby is upset over the fact that Hank keeps saying how he won't be present when Barry breaks his all time home run record. And you know what Bobby Jr.? You're going to have to keep on being bitter, because Hank's not backing down on this one. There may be plenty of sheep out there in the Bigs when it comes to steroids, but the Hammer isn't one of them. He worked hard to break, and set, that record, so let's not be shocked he's not tripping over himself to hand it over. Least of all to a guy that's got more chemicals in him than there was in Bob Marley's dreds. Sorry Bobby, but your brother cheated. He cheated the game, he cheated the fans, and now he's cheating Aaron. Just be lucky Hank isn't a vengeful guy, because if he were, you'd have just given him grounds to hunt you down and smack your arrogant ass. Keep your mouth shut until your ready to rat out your brother for your 6 figure book deal and 15 minutes of fame.

*Minor league baseball is all about the whacky promotions. Hell, I should know. I worked for the Syracuse Sky Chiefs and personally witnessed the following: "free ticket if you bring your dog", "bring a potted, plant get in for free" and the ever popular, "costume night". So, in an age where everyone is trying to "out-weird" everyone else, I feel it's right to give props where props are due for a truly original idea. The Portland Beavers, a triple A Padres affiliate, are having "Bob L. Head" night. The contest states that any man with the given name "Bob L. Head" can submit an essay explaining why they are the best. The winner, of course, gets their own bobblehead, fashioned in their likeness and the finalists get a trip to Portland to attend the contest finale. The finalists names are Robert Leroy Head, from Iowa, Bob Louis Head from California and Bob Lee Head of Illinois. Bob Louis Head already has a slogan going for his campaign saying "No matter what the score, I am always a Head". Clever Bob. I guess that's the humor you can expect from a guy who you know grew up telling people "my name is the same spelled backwards!". Good contest though, and that's really all that matters here. And besides, everyone loves a nice Beaver don't they?

News and Notes
*It was touch and go there for a while, but it seems Brett Favre has come down off of his Vicodin binge and decided to report to Green Bay Packers minicamp after all. After telling the team he couldn't attend because he had to "help prepare for his daughters graduation party", Favre realized he might have his priorities out of whack, and decided to pay the Pack a visit at their practice facility. So, it's all good now, right? WRONG. Not only has Favre already sent the message to the rest of his teammates that he doesn't have faith in them, but I think he's thinking about retiring now more than ever. It might sound like a suspect prediction at this point, but hear me out. After all the trials and tribulations Favre has put the Pack through, a retirement that seems to come out of left field after all this time is what makes the most sense. Combine the fact that he's pissed the team didn't improve in the off season, with the recent event in which he initially deemed his time with his family more important than his time with his team. Trust me. Over the next few weeks, this guy is gonna have a serious change of heart. He's got his Super Bowl, he's got his 3 MVP's, and it's time for him to hang 'em up. It's only appropriate too, that the man who has served as the face of this franchise for the past 15 years, be the one that send it into a tailspin with his untimely and inconsiderate departure. Mark my words!

*I love how ESPN.com teased their power rankings with a subtitle that read "Have Peyton and the Colts held off Tedy Brushi and the Pats?". Ummm, how about no? I know you're trying to get people to read the rankings, but even insinuating that the Pats aren't Super Bowl favorites at this point is absurd. They were a minute from the Super Bowl, and they added the two best players in the off season crop in Randy Moss and Adalius Thomas. Not to mention other quality additions like Donte Stallworth, Wes Welker, Kelly Washington, Tory James and draft pick Brandon Merriweather. The Pats are stacked, and everyone knows it. I know the point of the subtitle was to get attention, and I supposed that I'm doing you justice by commenting about it, but let me tell you this. I didn't read the freaking thing, and I guarantee they have the Patriots at #1 and the Colts at #2. Go ahead and prove me wrong, fact is I know I'm right. So, nice try ESPN, just make sure next time you try and get cute, you chose a team like the Eagles or Jets to do it with.

*It's Preakness time kids. And just because I went 0-for the Derby, doesn't mean for a second that I'm not throwin' some cake down on the second leg of the Triple Crown. The field has been cut from 20 to 9, meaning it's going to be tough to come up with exotic combinations. And Street Sense is such a large opening favorite at 7 to 5, that it's going to be tough making any money at all. That being said, it's totally not gonna stop me from trying to defy the odds. There are only 3 horses in the field at 20 to 1 or greater, and out of them I really only like Mint Slewlep at 30 10 1 to make any noise. Again, my logic in horse racing is based on a combination of "good name" and "good price", so don't try to read too much into any of this. Coming off strong Derby performances, much like Street Sense, are Hard Spun (5 to 2), Circular Quay (8 to 1) and Curlin (7 to 2), so make sure you sprinkle those fellas in among your exactas, trifectas and superfectas. The other new horses in the field are Xchanger (30 to 1), King of the Roxy (12 to 1) Flying First Class (20 to 1) and CP West (20 to 1). There's something about Xchanger that's making me think, but other than that I can't say I'm too impressed with the new comers. In the end though, just make sure you ride Street Sense heavy in this, if for any reason because of the length of the race. Street Sense charged late and was still pushing at the end of the Derby, so there's no reason to believe he should be any weaker in a race that's a full 1/16th of a mile shorter? Maybe it's because in my lifetime there have been so many horses that have won the first two legs of the Triple Crown, but I really have trouble picking against any Derby horse in the Preakness. So Street Sense is the pick for the win, the rest is up to you. One bad omen for Street Sense, this weekend is the one year anniversary of when the last Derby champ took the big leap from the winner's circle, to the glue factory. Barbar-Oh damn that horse is dead!

*If you live in the southeastern Mass / Rhode Island area, then you feel my pain on this next one. Al Cerrone, local big wig car salessman, has a new line of commercials with none other than Chevy's NASCAR superstar, Jeff Gordon. Now, I understand that Gordon is a big name in NASCAR, but if you watch the ad, he makes himself look like a complete donkey. With all the efforts that the left turn association has put forward to increase their popularity in the NorthEast, putting Jeff Gordon in ads where he says "R-OUT 1 in South Attleboro", probably wasn't one of their sharpest moves. It's pronounced "root" up here, you inbred, feathered hair mule. Then he proceeds to challenge Cerrone to a race to the dealership. Hysterical fellas. You really got me thinkin' that the two of you are gonna start tradin' paint on Route 1 in front of Mo Vaughn's new car wash. Listen Jeff. Stay off my TV and get out of my state. The only time I want to see you again, is if you have some front row tickets to offer me at say Wrigley Stadium, Fenway Field, or The YankeeDome.

*Finally, I have a sad note. A "Now You Know" favorite seems to have fallen on some hard times. No, I'm not talking about the celebriskank that's going to prison. I'm actually talking about a guy who at one time falsely alleged that he too made a movie with that human semen collector. That man's name, is Tom Sizemore. And sadly, he was arrested 9 days ago after police found two bags of meth, and 3 meth pipes in his '04 Mustang. Police showed up when Sizemore's boy, actor Jason Salcido, challenged a hotel employee to a fight. Shockingly, they found meth on that guy as well. Who'd have thunk it? So, it looks like it's back to jail for Sizemore, and while it's probably better for his health, it's really not helping my has been celeb-reality addiction. I mean we're two years removed from Bonaduce shootin' roids and probably will have to wait two years for the ground breaking Tanya Harding Show currently titled "From the Ice to the Pipe". Why do I have a funny feeling that Dog the Bounty Hunter will be a big fan of this show? Weird. I'm gonna miss you though, Tom, and good luck in the slammer. Watch out for your corn hole buddy, and steer clear of using your anal suitcase to store your cold medicine/lighter fluid cocktail surprise. Catch you on the flip side, just hope you'll be ready for season number two.