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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Cheap Shot Rob and the Comeback Kids


Red Sox Update
Overall: 26-11
Status: Well, either people want to focus on the 6 run 9th inning comeback, or they want to talk about the "ripped skin" on Josh Beckett's finger. Lucky for you, I got takes on both topics. First, the comeback. All I really got on that is it's great the Sox didn't give up, and it's even greater that the Orioles choked that one away like Mama Cass on a delicious ham sandwich. If you're waiting for me to laud the comeback, it's just not gonna happen. In a long season, you win some games, you lose some games, and you have some games gift wrapped for ya. This one was totally the latter. First, Orioles manager Sam Perlozzo yanked starter Jamie Guthrie way too early. Guthrie cruised through the first 8 innings in less than 90 pitches, and hadn't given up a run. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize you should have left the guy in. Perlozzo said after the game he was thinking of taking him out even earlier, as if that somehow justifies it, but it was flat out a bad move. So, with Guthrie out. the Oriole pen proceeded to through a few walks around, and end the game with a nice error to cap their amazing come-from-ahead effort. Well done Baltimore, thanks for the win, thanks for the karma, and have fun on your summer long adventure into the depths of the AL East. Make sure to toss us a postcard every once in a while and let us know how it is down there. That brings me to Beckett. I don't care if the Sox are calling it an "avulsion" and not a "blister". It's a freaking blister. We heard all off season before Beckett arrived last year that his blister issues could potentially turn into a long term issue, but I'm not hearing it. You wanna know why his hand got cut up? Look no further than the 18th green, my friends. That's right, it was none other than Josh Beckett hitting the links before his last start, with who else but Okajima, Wakefield and Dice K. Anyone that's been golfing can tell you that if your grip has any sort of abnormality to it, your bound to get a blister now and then. Maybe it's just me being optimistic, but I think this time it was Beckett's stupidity, and not his genetics that caused this particular "avulsion". They plan on holding him out a maximum of one start, so we'll see. Should this turn into an extended DL trip, I may be singing a different tune, but for now I'll just let a nice FOOOORRRRRRRRRRREEE rip, and move on with my life. NEXT!

Diamonds Are Forever
*Well, the Roger Clemens watch has officially begun. Seeing as the Rocket jumped the gun and signed with the Yanks before any fervor could really grow, don't think the media is going to miss a single chance to track his climb from the celebrity gold circuit, back to Yankee Stadium. That's right kiddos. Turn on your local sports station and you're sure to hear how Roger is set to make his debut later this week in Single A ball. Hahaha oh man. When the Yankees suck their fans really start to reach don't they? Call me up when the guy is actually on the mound in a meaningful game, then I'll actually care. I'm not interested in how Roger does against guys that remember him as a Toronto Blue Jay, I wanna see what his old ass actually has when he's facing a tough American League lineup in the middle of a pennant chase. Screw the media circus, and screw the Yankees!

*Paging Todd MacFarlane. Paging Todd MacFarlane. Why am I calling out the comic book pioneer and Spawn creator? Simple, it's because there's an historic baseball to be bought at auction, that's why. Even better, this ball doesn't even exist yet! That's right, Sports Auctions, a Dallas auction house, has already made a standing offer of $1 million to anyone that delivers Barry Bonds 756th home run ball to them. Nice offer guys, but do you seriously think anyone is going to bring you that thing? You tell them you want to buy it for a mil, only to sell it, and you think they're just gonna fork it over? Give the fans some credit here. I understand that selling the ball immediately would free the owner of any grief from the media, but that's not gonna deter anyone from wanting to hold on to it, or just sell it themselves. The auction house could argue they are taking a risk buying the ball for $1 mil, but if they really want me to believe this ball is going to sell for less than that, then they're gonna need to give me two full doses of whatever they give Keith Richards before every Stones concert. Namely lots of H, booze, Marbs and some sort of Red Bull, Pop Rocks and Andrenaline concoction to chase the coke mixed in with the ashes of all my dead relatives. Whoever gets that ball is milking it for all it's worth, and you gotta believe that. Hell, I bet their are guys mapping out those games in order to have a best shot at catchin' the damn thing. So thanks sketchy Texas auction house, but no thanks at the same time. You're not trickin' me out of my millions, not to mention my 15 minutes of fame.

*Coming to a DVD player near you, it's Ken Griffey Jr. in "Get Off My Jock". That's right, this new smash hit has all you'd want in a movie about a fat booze hound, a past his prime legend and of course, his underwear. After being heckled at a game recently, Ken Griffey Jr. told the fan that he "couldn't carry my jock". Pretty standard smack. But then Griffey actually came out and gave the fan one of his used jock straps. Mmmmmmmm, smells like victory. Congrats to you Junior Griff. I'm guessing Griffey read my piece on Vernon Wells last week, and decided to turn the tables on the fans too. Now it's time to go to the next level, predict what will be the next step if you will. If Vernon Wells wrote a fan a message on a ball, and Griff brought out his jock, what's next? I have an idea. Maybe D-Backs outfielder Eric Byrnes can tell the fans to suck his unit, and then next inning walk out with Randy Johnson, stark naked holding nothing but a lollipop. Bet that would shut 'em up. Or at the very least cause them to go blind and begin vomiting like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.

News and Notes
*One minute he's chasing Vicodin with Gatorade, the next he's going back on his word. Apparently, Brett Favre took so many pills, that he can't even get all 5 of his brain cells to agree on what he said. One second, he's saying how pissed he was that the Packer's didn't land Randy Moss, that the Packers could have added him for less than what New England did and how he wants out of Green Bay. The next second, he's saying how he's fine with the way things are in the Cheese State, and he doesn't want to be traded. Right, Brett, whatever you say. Face it, your career is over, and even with Randy Moss, the Packers would have been little more than a team "in the hunt" for a playoff spot. Just shut up and retire already. Your team is beat and you throw more picks than Joe Perry at the end of an Aerosmith show. Go home to Alabama, or Louisiana, or whatever ass backwards hick state your from, and let the true playas handle what goes down in the NFL. Besides, if you don't leave soon, Aaron Rodgers is going to forget why he's there, and wander over to Wisconsin's world famous Testicle Festival. Yup, it was this weekend, and they ate lots and lots of fried animal balls. Apparently, they taste just like meatballs, but to quote Samuel L. in Pulp Fiction "Shit could taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know because I never eat the shit." Well put Sammy, but look out for those snakes nigga!

*There are some things that you learn right away in the media business. One example, is that when a colleague tells you something off the air, unless they say otherwise, it was usually said in confidence and isn't meant to be repeated over the airways. Well, apparently someone didn't get that memo to Fox Sports Radio's Chris Landry. After having a convo with former Falcon and current analyst, Ray Buchanan, Landry went on air and proceeded to tell listeners that Ray knew that Mike Vick was having dog fights at his Virginia home. Not only did he know, but Vick was funding the whole operation, and when approached by neighbors at the home, he basically told them to grab Ron Mexico's sex organ and suck. Of course, immediately after the broadcast, Ray came out and said that the information wasn't true, and he never said anything of the kind to Landry. Right. Listen Ray, we all know you said it, but we also know that you probably didn't expect Landry to repeat it. In an industry full of weasels that would rather build their career than any sort of personal relationship, you always have to watch what you say, and who you say it to. Lesson learned Ray. And as for Vick funding the dog fights? Duhhhhh. Call the guy dumb all you want, but anyone letting a cousin use their million dollar home sure as hell knows what's goin' down there, especially if it's rampant dog fighting. Am I really supposed to believe that Vick walked in one day and said "Holy shit! Why the hell are there 50 dogs on my property biting each other and looking hungrier than than a gaggle of Somalians at the local Ponderosa?" Of course he didn't. Mike's down with the dog on dog violence. You know it, I know it, and thanks to Chris Landry's big mouth, now the entire world knows it. Hey Mike, line one is for you, it's Roger Goodell. Just a tip. He's not gonna buy the "oh, we were running a retirement home for dog's that used to be in fights" line, so start thinkin' of somethin' a lot more clever.

*Should you go for the win, or go for the cash? That's the argument everyone is making after Sean O'Hair had a Van de Veldian meltdown this weekend at the Player's Championship, turning a likely first place finish into sole possession of 11th. In case you missed it, O'Hair had second place nailed down until he decided to go for broke (we call it going "Tin Cup") on the famous island green at 17, and hit it in the water......twice! I give the guy credit. He didn't want the pay day, he didn't want the exemptions that come with a finish like that, he wanted the freaking win! So what if it cost him hundreds of thousands (let's call it $500,000 difference from 11th to 2nd). The guy now has experience that few others on the tour have. He was in a pressure spot, and he let it get away from him. No harm there. Next time he's in a situation like that, maybe he'll back away maybe he won't but at least he has a firm grasp on what the consequences of his actions were. In today's sports, where it all seems to be about the money, it's real refreshing to see a guy that's all about winning. Sure the money is great, but they are all out there to win, and no matter how much money you make, you'd much rather have the trophies to back up than being forced to say to people "well I had a shot to win, but I decided to play for the paycheck instead". He's not Greg Norman and he's not Jean Van de Velde. Norman played far too conservative, and Van de Velde far too aggressive with a big lead. O'Hair did what he had to do to win, and he choked. Big deal. I just like that he had the guts to go for the glory, rather than laying back and waiting for that Phat loser to blow it. Good looks by you Captain Bucky O'Hair, and I hope that this experience will one day give you the confidence to seize the moment and finally get that big tour win you've been looking to add to your resume.

*Finally, I'll end with the NBA. The ending of the Suns/Spurs game on Monday night leads to two interesting thoughts. Should Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw be suspended for leaving the bench after Robert Horry hip checked little Stevie Nash? And are the Spurs actually a dirty team? First things first. Yes, both Stoudemire and Diaw should be suspended for the next playoff game. I understand they didn't really get into it with anyone, and that it was initiated 100% by Horry, but leaving the bench is leaving the bench. In the past, commissioner David Stern has always stuck by the rule book, and in this instance it's a no brainer. Amare Stoudemire can say all he wants that he was already on his way to the scorer's table to check in, but that's not fooling anyone. And I could really care less if a cheap shot by Big Shot Rob will ironically cause the two Phoenix stars to miss a crucial game 5, because those guys simply have to know better. If a player can get under your skin that easily, then maybe you flat out don't belong in professional sports to begin with. That being said, are the Spurs a dirty team? Horry's shot was definitely dirty, and we all know the reputation Bruce Bowen is known for, but is that enough? Personally, I don't think so. They don't get more than their fair share of technical and flagrant fouls, and you hardly ever see Spur players involved in fights or brawls. Listen, if Bruce Bowen is so dirty, then why isn't he ever ejected or T'd up? Being in a guys shorts for an entire game is not a violation. Sure, it sounds perverted, but it's not against the rules. Guys get frustrated with Bowen because he D's them up, plain and simple. If the Suns wanna call him dirty, I'm sure he doesn't mind, after all he's just doing his job. This is playoff basketball, and if the Suns want to cry and bitch every time one of their boys takes a hard shot, then maybe they just don't belong. I think it points more to the fact that this is why the Suns can't win. It's not their up and down style that is preventing them for going to the next level, it's their puss'n'boots attitude. If you can't handle the heat (ironic for a team called the Suns), then stay the hell out of the kitchen. And good luck having any shot the rest of the way if you do lose Amare and Boris. Now there's something worth crying over.

Fantasy Update
Last Week: LOSS, 10-12-2 vs Backside Hitters
Overall: 3th place, 15 games back

*It's one thing to lose a close matchup against a solid team. But it is totally not cool that the first place team won this week by a score of 19-1-4. Bea-freaking-utiful. How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?! And I'd say this is what you get for having so many inactive teams in your league, but the kid that lost was actually trying! What a tool. Oh well, it's onto next week. Just don't for a second think that this minor setback has somehow affected my boys. The drive for the tiny trophy is still in full force baby! Eyes on the mother fuckin' prize!

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