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Monday, July 17, 2006

TO Being TO, Sox Being Bad


T O the Hero?
In a shocking surprise to us all, TO is claiming that he was misquoted in his own autobiography. Owens starts the book by saying that all the words in the book are coming directly from his mouth to us, the reader. He then goes on to say that coming back from his leg injury to play in the Super Bowl was "heroic". That's where Owens claims he's been wronged. TO claims that the co-author, and brother of his agent Drew Rosen-bag, changed the wording of that section for effect. Wait, I'm sorry, you're telling me he altered a quote? Let's try this theory instead. TO didn't read the book before it was published, and actually did think that his actions were heroic. That sounds more like it to me. Matter of fact, I think Owens may have pulled a page from the J. Peterman catalogue and paid a bunch of weirdos to put their own stories in there. This man is a fool. And if you want to believe he got misquoted, then keep on living in your dream world. Not only do I think he said I, I know he said it. This is all from the man who famously barbed "I love me some me" and took shots at teammates and coaches on a regular basis. He thinks the world revolves around him, and as long as he can keep making plays in the league, he will have enough people to keep telling him that our green and blue sphere actually does make a trip around him every 365 days a year. Come on now. Misquoted in your own autobiography? Even Charles Barkley thinks that's dumb.

Bail Bonds
Barroid's lawyers say they don't expect an indictment on their client anytime soon for lying under oath to the grand jury. And why should they? Last time I checked, everyone and their brother knew that Bonds was using roids, and still nothing has happened to him, so why would this be any different? He's just going to keep on busting homers and hats until his dome explodes all over the left field bleachers in a glorious mix of brain and acne puss. I've said it before and I will say it again, as long as MLB isn't testing for HGH, Bonds and all these other cheaters will go unpunished. The drugs they finally are testing for are so outdated that the only people getting caught probably did use them by accident, or are so far down the ladder that nobody likes to tell them where to get the "good stuff". It's like the kid in high school that gets caught with oregano. His intentions were just as bad as the kids smoking weed and not getting caught, he just wasn't cool enough to get the good shit. Bonds has been smoking that good shit for years, and unless they can somehow get in a time machine and test him a few years ago, this will always be a war of words and nothing more. Worst case scenario is he gets indicted for lying to the grand jury. But you know he can beat the case when the witnesses against him were also his co-conspirators. Again, our only hope is he chooses to retire before he breaks the most recognizable record in all of sports. And I hope and pray every day that he does just that.

Keith Davis Shot....Again
If you're at all like me the first thing you probably say when reading this headline is "Who the hell is Keith Davis". Well my friends he's a defensive back for the Dallas Cowboys (yea that's him on the right), so on with the story. I can't say it's ever a persons fault for getting shot, unless they themselves have a weapon on them at the time. I mean who is to say you can't be the victim of a random act of violence, or even just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But when you're a pro athlete, and you're shot twice in 3 years, once at 3 am, and once in the parking lot of a strip club, questions tend to arise about your character. Parcells cut Davis after he was shot the first time, telling you that the Tuna himself probably figured something was up after the initial shooting. So why do guys like this keep getting a free pass from the press? One simple reason. He's not very good. Imagine if Keyshawn Johnson was shot twice in one year in two questionable sets of circumstances? The rumors would be flying about how he lives such a wild life and his partying is out of control. But Davis gets by with nothing. Everyone just wants to know what it was like being shot and how he's feeling. Hell I guess nobody would know better than Davis what it feels like to be shot. I heard 50 Cent himself called him up and said "Again? Are you kidding me?" I've always maintained that one of the best jobs in the world is to be a pro athlete that's decent, not great. You get paid millions of dollars, and get many of the perks of being a huge celebrity, but when it comes to your private life you have so much more wiggle room.

Stew On This
I'm not one to talk about NASCAR, seeing as I know less about cars than probably anything else, but Tony Stewart just fascinates me. Week after week Stewart offends someone, whether its after he wins, crashes, or gets put into the wall by one of his fellow drivers. And this week was no different. After being bumped by Ryan Newman, essentially ending his day at the Lenox Industrial Tool 300 (yea catchy name isn't it?), Stewart had this to say to his fellow driver. "It's amazing how he expects you to let him by, but he don't give anybody the same courtesy". Classic. This from a guy who is constantly trading paint with the opposition, cursing at other drivers after races, and cutting people off in the pits. Newman charged back by saying that Stewart didn't "live up to what he preaches and that's move over and let the faster car go". You really gotta love these guys. Only a bunch of hicks sitting on a couple hundred pounds of gasoline would think it's a good idea to try and hit someone as they try to pass you. But no matter how brash Stewart and his tactics are, he's great for the sport. Every sport needs a villain. Baseball has the Yankees, football has the Cowboys, and now NASCAR has Stewart. He's good, he's dangerous, and he's a great sound byte every time you put a mic up in his grill. So while I won't be watching a race anytime soon, I look forward to seeing the clips on Sportscenter the next time Tony lashes out about how someone tried to do the unthinkable and pass his race car.

Red Sox Update
Last Week: 1-3
Overall: 54-36
Standings: 1st place by 1/2 game

*Not exactly an inspiring start to the 2nd half, and the reasons why are just as startling. Losing is one thing, but the fact that Josh Beckett is about as dependable as North Korea's nuclear missile program is frightening. Without Schill, Beckett and Wake eating innings 3 nights a week, the bullpen should be worn down in no time. The Yankees are the least of our worries right now, we need starting pitching and fast. And something is telling me that Kyle Snyder may not be the answer. Maybe it's his 10.03 ERA. There may have been a reason the Royals cut him after all.

*Some actual good news for Sox fans. After suffering a brain aneurysm a few weeks ago, Peter Gammons has been moved to a rehab center and is said to be vastly improving. The sooner we can get him back on ESPN to give his great insight into the game the better. Not to mention balance out the racist and intolerable comments of my main man Joe "Did you know I played for the Big Red Machine?" Morgan. Here's to hopin'' the "Commish" makes a speedy recovery and gets back to his old self before the playoff push begins.

Diamonds Are Forever
*I've heard of some bad ideas in my day, but this one comes close to taking the cake. After being pulled over a few months ago, reliever Scott Sauerbeck (or Sauersuck to us Boston fans) bolted from police and hid in the bushes. When the cops found him, he was all liquored up and hiding in the bushes with a hooker. Needless to say his wife wasn't too pumped. So what's a good punishment for that you ask? Well apparently the court saw it fit to assign Sauersuck to community service. No he won't be picking trash up on the highway or reading to senior citizens, he will be talking to high school students about the dangers of alcohol! "Don't drink kids, because you don't want to be caught by the police naked in the bushes with a man jockey?" Riiiight. Or better yet. "Here's a good way to avoid capture by the police..." I don't know who dropped the ball more in this instance, Scott or our justice system. I guess that's what you get when you let men in robes not named Hugh Heffner call the shots.

*Yet another classy move from Cub fans. After the Mets dropped two grand slams on them in the 6th inning to take the lead Sunday, Cub fans began throwing trash onto storied Wrigley Field. Or as Jeff Gordon would say "Wrigley Stadium". I know it's gotta suck having to endure year after year of losing, incompetent management, Wood and Prior constantly flashing greatness only to land on the DL and of course Steve Bartman, but show some freaking respect. Your park is supposed to be hallowed ground, but instead you treat it just like the losers that you are. Look out Philly fan, because the trash hurlers in the Windy city are giving you a run for your money as the worst fans in all of sports. Maybe it's not a curse after all, maybe the sports gods just know undeserving losers when they see one.

*Talk about a one sided trade. When the Reds dealt Austin Kearns and Felipe Lopez to the Nationals this week for two bullpen bums it had most educated people scratching their heads. Just to recap, the Reds gave up two starting players to the Nationals and didn't get Alfonso Soriano, but instead Bill Bray and Gary Majewski. What was GM Wayne Krivsky thinking? Sure the Reds sit atop the Wild Card right now and they need bullpen help, but I'm pretty sure giving away two young promising starting fielders wasn't the way to go about solving the problem. Like any deal only time will tell if this one works out, but if the Reds miss the playoffs, no matter how well these bums pitch, consider it a bust. Good pitching may beat out good hitting, but two setup guys do not beat out two 26 year old guys that have combined this season for 35 doubles, 23 homers and 80 RBI while hitting at about .270.

*Let's finally put this to rest. Manny was no more injured than any other player on any given day in the majors. He simply would rather rest than play in the All-Star game. End of story.

Fantasy Update
Last Week: 11-9-2
Overall: 152-135-43 (25 games back)

Week 16 vs Bubba's Bitches (111-176-43)

*Didn't exactly burst out of the gate after the All-Star break, but I'll take it. Now it's time to dismantle the team in the basement and get the 2nd half train rolling. I'm 41 games ahead of this fool in the standings, so if I can't blast him even further into oblivion, then maybe I don't deserve to be league champ. But we all know not only do I deserve it, but it will be mine. This week call me Bubba...

*Just another fantasy note. I've begun preparations for a fantasy football league, so if you're interested just let me know and I'll give you more details.

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